Im not excited with announcement of the first grandchild

[FirstNight]

23years ago I found mumsnet and became the network I shared and found strength and support as I raised my 3 children and make 100s of Mars lemon drizzle cake 😁

Really didn't think I'd be back here so soon seeking advice.

2026 the final child is 18. The mortgage will be paid in 2mths and the silver wedding anniversary will be upon us in the autumn.

Middle child ..21 in Sept. Moved out 2 yrs ago with the boyfriend. Back in December they noted the tenancy on flat was up and won't be renewed (house being sold). In January they asked if could bunk down with us for 6mths so they could save some extra £ before moving to a new place. Yes of course we say...for a rent payment that covers utilities and food and evidence of saving.

Now today...we have an excited couple informing us they are pregnant. But no other plans than still to move in with us. Dd job is likely not to pay more than maternity allowance , the only saving grace is that career chosen is term time so in 6 yrs will work well for them. Boyfriend has just moved from salaried to self employed...so not a positive for applying for new tenancies.

I was looking forward to enjoying freedom without a small child hanging about and time to reconnect to hubby. Seems we may end up as additional hands, broken nights sleep and a kitchen and lounge full of baby related paraphernalia.

I want to be excited but all I'm thinking and remembering is those first few years with our eldest and the struggles and challenges that come with this.

The emotional blackmail on here. So as mothers we're expected to cheer on terrible choices that our children make or else:

they'll choose a shit nursing home
they'll never speak to us again or see us again.

For some reason we're not seen as people in our own right, we're just support team for our adult children and the decisions they make.

If we don't comply with their demands then that's it - get rid of us. We're clearly only worth a relationship if we're paying for stuff, or providing childcare services.

Has it ever occurred to people that it's probably better not to have a relationship with children who view you this way?

As to the care home - already got my advance directive thanks. I'm making my own decisions about what happens to me.

This ... adult choices, have adult consequences.

Well, you said they can move in, you should still honour that, make it clear what the rules are on you not being a live in babysitter but obviously offer to help, its what families are supposed to be for... to help each other.

Your 1st grand child will benefit from you helping his or her parents out. I just do not understand people who have kids and want to forget they are part of a family forever! My own mother is a selfish woman with her time for me and my kids, we do not have a good relationship.

I dunno......when I had my first DC I felt our house was full of baby paraphernalia.....from bouncy chair to car seat (in and out of house if they'd fallen asleep in it) - same goes for the pushchair, changing mats, playmat, bottle steriliser, box of nappies + cream + wipes both upstairs and downstairs....we were overrun with "stuff"

It’s not about they are eighteen and still your child.

When life doesn’t go to plan that doesn’t mean that as a parent you should champion it or sacrifice your own finances and time to fix it. Supporting your child doesn’t mean you have to feel pleased about every decision that they make. The op is allowed to have her own feelings.

Support doesn't mean giving in to their every demands. You don't do that with toddlers so why would you do it with adults?

Support might also be different to what they expect or want. I'd support them but it wouldn't be with them living in my house with a baby. I don't think that makes anyone a dragon.

People or women? There seems to be this expectation of women doing nothing but be care providers. Even when they have adult children.

There isn't this expectation on men.

My house was full with all the baby stuff in the early days. Play gym, moses basket, changing mat, nappies, bottles, steriliser, clothes, baby bath, highchair, car seats, pram. Then everything had to be rearranged once DC started crawling. I wouldn't want to go back to those days again!

What about your father? Is he around? How involved is he with your kids?

But with MN women need to know their place, feminism is only for other people's children

A couple in their 30s could be in the same financial situation as OP's kid. In this case they are.

She's 21/22 years old! She'll need no more support than any other mum.

A rental property is at least making the effort to be independent. It isn't just getting pregnant with little to no thought as to where that baby will live or expecting someone else to put them up without even a discussion first.

OP's child is not in their 30's and has plenty of time to have children which is also different.

We didnt have a baby when we were living with her rent free. That happened 6 years after we moved out to buy a flat. Dh's white british colleague (dh works for a bank) also did the same thing as us and unlike us are not jewish. Except we were legally married and he wasnt, he lived with girlfriends parents before buying a little house in reading and then getting cat/dog/baby before getting legally married. This was in 2019. Its even more common now i suspect.

Ironically dh's sisters who immigrated are now living with inlaws with their young families.

What about those young familes who move back in with parents cos life is too expensive

It must be a huge shock OP and hard to feel excited when you are rightly worried about how your dd will cope and what impact the baby will have on your life.

My dc are still in their teens so I can imagine being excited about a new stage where you can put yourself first after years of parenting - and of course you're still working ft so bus enough. This is not what you expected! There may be some difficult conversations ahead and you and dh will need to agree on boundaries with the living situation and what kind of support you are prepared to offer.

You don't mention any concerns about your DD's partner - do you think they will work well together and rise to the challenge?

I hope once the shock has worn off, you can have some decent conversations about the practicalities and feel calmer about the sutuation.

Yes if this was one of my children, I would support them but OPs daughter has acted in a very presumptuous and entitled way. OP’s daughter is young and she could have saved before starting a family.
Landlords like to have 2 working people to rent a flat to. The boyfriend is going self employed and the daughter is pregnant. They are going to find it very hard to rent anywhere.

I don’t know why posters are giving you such a hard time, I’d be heartbroken to have to deal with DD and a baby in my property right now. I’d help, sure, but it would probably severely affect my relationship and frankly if I wanted a baby in my house, I’d have another one myself.

In your case I would inform them they need to get themselves on the housing list or something along those lines. I don’t understand why they’re having a child they can’t really provide for and have just assumed you’re fine with it.

I think I'd be saying "Congratulations! Now how do you think this is going to affect your plans for saving for a house?"

Wow

They aren't actually pregnant. She is.

Not how excited you are to be a grandparent and you hope the pregnancy goes well.🙄

Why should the OP be excited when she’s clearly worried sick about the situation

What is this thing about being married. What era are you living in. Move out the dark agesm
It's totally acceptable for people not to be married today and it has no bearing in their ability to raise a child.
Judgemental much.

Hi OP
I feel for you and can understand why you were looking forward to some time to reconnect with your husband.
As parents, we don't know what is around the corner. I talk from experience.
I hope you can come up with a solution that supports you all.
There aren't any easy answers but I don't think it's fair or helpful of those posters who are questioning/criticising your daughter and partner's choices.
Nothing to be achieved by that.
Take care OP