Being a bitch- seeing results

[hotgirlsummer26]

Has anyone else realised that once you start putting your foot down and saying no, people tend to start to listen?

I was very much a people pleaser up until this year when I snapped and thought, enough is enough. I’ve seen my relationship change for the better (literally tell him to piss off when he tells me to wear makeup and the guy just accepts it, whereas before I used to go running to fix my face).

In-laws used to pop over whenever suited them and expected me to stay and host them as did husband. Now I just walk out saying I have errands to run.

Same thing with parenting clubs, a mum who used to make digs at me like “your daughter eating fruit in the morning, has she not had her breakfast?” And now I just reply saying, she likes her fruit and has had porridge for breakfast thanks. No more comments from her.

There has been backlash, husband saying no one wants to come over anymore, that I look a state (cut my hair short because I wanted to and he hates it), Some side eye from some mums- but overall just a general improvement in my quality of life!

Anyone else experience this or have I turned into one of those bitchy people no one likes and will probably die alone :) ? Although honestly at this point, I wouldn’t care- I feel so light and care free!

AIBU- nice is the way
AINBU- no one listens to nice

Yanbu at all

You are not being unreasonable to put your foot down and mean it. But you are unreasonable to say you have to be a bitch to do that. For me, bitchy behaviour is going out of your way to dig at someone. Just setting out expectations is just assertiveness.

You sound incredible, well done for asserting your boundaries. This too is something I'm working on and already feeling so much better being in control of MY life xxx

Those examples sound fine, just being assertive, and your husband sounds like a dick anyway.

That mum was an idiot - doesn't pretty much every kid have fruit as a mid morning snack?

I guess the only thing I batted an eyelid at is you saying you're getting 'side eyes' from some mums - how many mums and how often?? There's always one or two annoying ones but if it's every mum then maybe you are taking it a bit far...

It’s called giving zero fucks and yes it’s liberating. No need to be a bitch with it though, most assertive comments can be breezy.

Who said that to you? It sounds like the type of comment aimed at shutting you down.

Yeah this. I can't believe you've been scuttling off obediently to put on some lipstick when he tells you to.

No I tend to find reasonable and unblinking is my most effective energy

I've always been so keen to avoid confrontation or offending people. Perimenopause has brought with it an absolute dgaf attitude about speaking up for myself and putting my foot down - it's so freeing! 😃

As a reformed people pleaser I hear you 💯. It’s easy to slip back , it takes focus to change life long habits.

Your husband actually tells you to put make up on? WTF

I always tell my girls that the only way to be a nice person is to have boundaries otherwise you become angry and resentful.

So really....you're just being nice.

@Battiesit was my Sister in law , well 3 of them all agreed 🤣 - I just replied “Is what it is, new year new me” and walked out. @Thesummerits the ones who used to set up the play dates and expect others to bring an entire pasta dish, sandwhiches , dessert while they bought paper cups, plates and drinks. During the feb half term, just told them I didn’t have the energy to cook for 11 kids.. gc went quiet (I’m sure they’ve made another one Bar me)

I am a very nice person.
I am known by everyone as being nice and I try hard to be nice to everyone I meet.

But that doesn’t mean I’m a pushover.
I actually have very strong boundaries.

You don’t sound like a bitch.
You just sound like you used to be a pushover/have no boundaries and you’re finally finding your voice.

You can set boundaries without pushing everyone away.

But ultimately you will never be happy whilst you’re still with a man who doesn’t respect you.

I call it my ‘give no fucks era’

THIS!!! ALL DAY LONG!!!

Completely fair enough! Then you aren't a bitch, you've gone from being a (no offence BTW) doormat to, well, not a doormat!

It’s sounds like you’re surrounded by people who don’t show you very much respect.

Please don't let people call you a bitch. It's unacceptable, sexist and an insult being used to keep you in your place.

This!!

Wait 'til you enter perimenopause! 😂

There's nothing bitchy about any of that. You are establishing boundaries. That's a good thing. Your response to your SIL was great. I'd probably have said something like, "Yes, I found being nice just got me walked all over, so now I have boundaries." Yours was better though. If Mum's are side eying you, it's just because they aren't used to it from you. They'll adjust.

People start to listen because your tone is firm. If you don't have boundaries and say things decisively, they think there's room for negotiation.

Exactly and the fact we do just shows how poor boundaries are encouraged in women and why we end up as such people pleasers.

Of course, imposing healthy boundaries will not feel good to those on the receiving end because their petulant tantrums arent being met so you'll get accusations of "you've become a bitch" or "you never used to be this selfish" but you should absolutely rejoice in these phrases and cheer internally when you hear them because they are a sign that you are finally standing up for yourself and taking care of yourself and not allowing yourself to be the world's doormat.

It sounds like you are just trusting yourself to know how best to manage situations. I am, and have always been, similar. Nothing bitchy about knowing your own mind.

As everyone else said, all you’re doing is that you’re no longer cravenly people-pleasing, often to people you neither like nor respect.