to keep him off school some days at the moment

[tinyyturtle]

hello first post so hope im doing this right

i have 3 boys ds1 is 4 and in reception ds2 is 2.5 and doesnt walk and ds3 is 10 weeks old today

school is about 2 miles away and i dont drive. walking isnt really possible for me as i have mobility problems myself so the bus is the only realistic way of doing it

ds2 technically still fits in a normal buggy but it doesnt support him properly and he kind of slumps to one side. he does have a sen buggy but its massive and its honestly a pain on the bus. half the time theres no space and trying to get on with that plus ds1 and the baby in a sling and bags is a whole thing

bus drivers also dont see it as a disabled buggy they just see a big buggy and expect me to fold it. which is hard because then i have to find somewhere safe to put ds2 while i fold it and hold the baby at the same time which isnt exactly easy

people do tut as well which doesnt help

some mornings its just chaos. if i take the big buggy i struggle getting it on and off and folding it while holding the baby. if i take the normal buggy ds2 just slides about and i feel bad about that

the baby cries a lot on the bus too which makes the whole thing more stressful

so the truth is ds1 has missed a fair bit of school recently. more than id like really. some mornings i just cant face doing the whole bus situation and i keep him home

i know reception isnt technically compulsory but i also know its not ideal for him missing days and i do feel guilty about it

aibu to just keep him off sometimes for now until the baby is a bit older and things settle down a bit or should i be pushing myself to get him there every day even if its a nightmare

im honestly exhausted at the moment and just wondering what other people would do in this situation

Kind of wonder how your kids will manage when they get a job if you have an attitude like this. 🤷

So, what’s on your action plan this week to sort your situation?

Don't be silly and extreme! They are at home for years before they go to school and you can't have this complex that you are kids need and schools are bad!

I've never seen a thread have.so many posts deleted! I am happy to report you for fake accusation as you know full well that I haven't said that kids shouldn't exist! You have made up a fake and highly bersion of events! You don't keep.usvomg kids if they keep being born with mobility issues and mum has mobility issues and can't take one of the kids to school and is going to be in a situation where she's got 3 kids to get school and at least two with mobility issues but you think the more pregnancies the merrier? Really? The kids don't matter eh? Responsible behaviour os for losers eh!
If only you'd done your due diligence before reporting me! I have seen two discussions in the last several days about schools sending people to houses and grilling families of kids who have not turned up to school.for a few days! I'm talking people who have demanded to go in a teenagers bedroom to check he was definitely ill in bed, a father being questioned why he was in his pyjamas at home because he and his daughter both had a bug! On a thread I literally read today, a woman's kids are in care because one of the kids has bowel incontinence, it was a thread started by another mother whose daughter has bad bowel issues keeping her off school and the school are not happy and making the families life very difficult! And you think social services would be ok with the OP being too tired and too far away to get three kids to school every single day? Please can you stop being the free speech police! You are gas lighting the OP by not wanting anyone to speak the truth. Nothing I said was incorrect, I'm telling the OP what I've seen from other posts!

Okay, so come up with a workable solution then! The OP's current morning routine sounds completely horrific. Simply saying the child must go to school, which the OP already knows isn't helpful.

Whether school is compulsory or not doesn’t matter, if the child is enrolled then they’re expected to attend. The only other option is to de register unless there’s some sort of action plan in place with reduced attendance in place due to special needs/behaviour etc.So if he’s registered op, he must attend.

You’ve had some good advice on here op, the breakfast club sounds particularly viable. I’m
afraid you not being keen on it because you’d worry, is not reason enough to discount it as a way forwards. There’s presumably no reason you couldn’t do that some days and bus others- with a tag on the pram/wheelchair and learning to be more assertive- you’ll be sorted! These are all things within YOUR control.

No, research indicates the opposite. I'm not talking about home Ed, it's you that's 'banging on about it'

Quite the opposite actually, starting school too early can cause anxiety and lack of confidence. No difference found at age 11 in reading & writing and maths for children starting at 5.

I worked in education for most of my career. It's been diminishing returns over recent years unfortunately. The school system is not really fit for purpose any longer but political short termism means the change needed is too much of a project and commitment of funds for a parliamentary term.

I’m not sure what evidence you’re talking about or in what capacity you worked in education but as a KS1 teacher for 25 years I can tell you that children who miss significant chunks of their education and have poor attendance are seriously impacted in confidence, socialisation and attainment. That’s my experience.

Most people exercise self censorship around other people's kids but People think they can say literally anything to parents of disabled children. It's a thing. I didn't personally delete your comment but I felt it wasn't ok to say that to the parent.
if you want a philosophical discussion about the value of human life in all it's manifestations perhaps start anther thread and keep it general.

You keep repeating this but OP has said she takes the children to a local park ten minutes away and to the local shops, then the rest of the time is spent playing with toys or watching TV at home. There is no mention of groups or soft play, or meeting up with friends with small children. At almost five her DS should have the opportunity to socialise with children other than his siblings (one of whom is a tiny baby) and if he does not he will find it even harder to fit back in to his class at school when OP finds a solution to getting him there.

I mentioned on an earlier post about what to say to the bus driver. I think that it's sometimes hard to advocate for yourself when you have so much to deal with and with a bunch of people listening in.

I think I'd keep a laminated sheet of paper on me explaining your child's rights under the equality act for their pushchair to be treated the same as a wheelchair. I'd get it out and show it to the driver so that you don't have to remember what to say. Plus the buggy tag.

I wouldn't refer to the buggy as a buggy or pushchair, I would start referring to it as a mobility aid. I'd also explain that your child can't walk at all at the age of 2.5 and that is what the space on the bus is for - for people who ordinarily should be able to walk but can't.

Another poster's idea about contacting the bus company is a good one. Explain the situation and ask their advice on how you should explain it to the driver so that they understand it's a mobility aid and not a normal buggy and therefore needs to be treated as a wheelchair.

Good luck! I know how overwhelming these things are when you have children with needs and also your own needs to contend with.

Actually research shows that socialising with children of different ages is better for social development of a child (even if those children are siblings). A 5 year old with siblings at home doesn’t need daily interactions with the same peers to develop. Occasional interactions in the park or wherever are fine. Softplay are awful places, not sure why they are mentioned as somewhere OP should be taking her kids.

Be kind

Ok, your son is only 4 now but if he's having repeated absences you need to sort this sooner than later.

Your options as I see it:

1. Learn to drive and get a car (I see you've addressed this)
2. Get the bus with the buggy and get a thicker skin about tutting. Tell the bus driver it's the equivalent of a wheelchair and raise it with the depot if he causes a problem
3. Source some additional help, maybe from school or the council? I don't think that's right about they don't offer transport for that age group, unless they mean because he's still under 5?
4. Move closer to school
5. get a sling for the baby while he's still little, or a double buggy and put an insert in?

This isn't insurmountable, I promise. But I think in the first instance you should approach school and talk to them about figuring out these difficulties. They might just tell you to get him in when you can, and not to worry about it until after Easter.

But honestly, re the bus, do make a complaint to the depot. You have a right to use the wheelchair space.

Good luck!

@Jane143

Be kind

What's that supposed to mean?

I am not being in any way unkind. I'm just pointing out that saying it's fine for the OP to keep her child at home isn't a permanent solution. It may be OK for a few months but sooner or later she needs to find a way to allow her son (and her other children) access to education.

Why are soft plays awful? 🤷

Three kids is tricky for anyone OP, with two very young children and SEN in the mix you've really set yourself up for a challenge! But you made the choice at the end of the day so you do need to step up and find a way for your eldest to get to school one way or another, particularly as it's unlikely that things will actually get easier when the baby becomes a toddler.

So you're ND OP with dyspraxia, it sounds like your second child may also be dyspraxic - maybe you both have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome too? but I'm wondering about your eldest. Fussy with food, your worries that he just won't eat at school, struggles with change and possibly transitions - are we talking possible ASD? ND conditions tend to run in families so I'd definitely be wondering. I wouldn't count on school picking it up either.

You say MIL gives you a lift sometimes - would she be able to help out with getting the kids to school? Could you do a mixture of things so MIL takes and picks up one or two days a week, DS goes to breakfast club one or two days a week and you take the bus one or two times a week?

I really don't think you can rely on things getting easier, toddlers don't tend to be easier than babies and your youngest may also be ND. I think it's really important to get something in place now and get as much help and support as you can. Talk to school and tell them how you're struggling and see if they have any suggestions.

What research shows that spending 90% of your time at home with 1 non mobile sibling and a non mobile baby is better for social development than attending playgroups, preschool/school, clubs, activities and groups? (Why did they do that research in the first place?)

Home education where it is chosen by a parent that is able, motivated and willing to be the child's primary educator and where there are time, money and resources in the family to do that well is one thing. This situation is very far from that.

This is a mum with her own quite severe physical limitations and a lack of support and financial resource. These children are spending large amounts of time at home with very limited out of the home experiences. I think you would struggle to find an evidence base for the educational outcomes in this scenario to be better than if the dc went to school.

@FakeTwix

Home education where it is chosen by a parent that is able, motivated and willing to be the child's primary educator and where there are time, money and resources in the family to do that well is one thing. This situation is very far from that.
This is a mum with her own quite severe physical limitations and a lack of support and financial resource. These children are spending large amounts of time at home with very limited out of the home experiences. I think you would struggle to find an evidence base for the educational outcomes in this scenario to be better than if the dc went to school

Absolutely. I find it quite frustrating that people are positioning this as a conscious choice to keep the children out of school for developmental reasons and ignoring the red flags.

This is chaotic and unplanned parenting with limited resources and while it might be OK for now, this isn’t a setup that will allow the parents to meet the children’s educational needs as they get older.

It’s no doubt hard for OP and she has my sympathy but let’s stop pretending this is some act of alternative parenting. If she can’t put a structure in place for school as the kids grow it’s potentially a recipe for disaster.

You were saying she lacks resilience and organisational skills. She has asked for support and ideas not judgement

Its not about judgement. I am aware that she needs support.

But several posters have told the OP that this is all fine because her son doesn’t need school yet so will be better off at home.

That may or may not be true now but telling her to carry on is preventing the OP from taking the steps she needs to take to prepare for the point where it will be mandatory that she either gets her kids to school or she provides them with home education.

At the moment she’s clearly not in a position to do either: telling her to crack on with what she’s doing now without any thought for how she’s going to cope when school is essential seems irresponsible to me.

That may be your anecdotal experience but it's not backed up by research. I've worked as a classroom teacher and in academic research.

Here's some places to start with the research, linked below. I'm surprised you're not already familiar with this concept 25 years into a career as a classroom teacher. A CPD session might help if you can arrange with your school.

School starting age: the evidence | University of Cambridge https://share.google/Gn3m7hSmDFZb4GoMU

STS0017 - Evidence on Evidence check: Starting school https://share.google/Z2DqtwAuN68utbhlo

Summer‐born struggle: The effect of school starting age on health, education, and work - PMC https://share.google/YkQUHsCbg5axdh7Hs

DFE-RR017.pdf https://share.google/gxEzXm5MFa4xAQdWd

44414.pdf https://share.google/DqVcSYwfdAq0zZPLB

Yes that’s true

I think with your ‘educational research background’ you’re failing to actually understand your own research. I’m surprised the someone with such clear credentials as yours… is wilfully misleading this op with a clear agenda.

I don’t need you to suggest any research to me thank you. I’m highly trained, skilled and experienced.

You are wilfully talking about the argument that children start school too early in this country and providing it as evidence against people stating that the ops child missing sporadic school sessions is ok. You are clearly too dim to recognise the difference.

I have stated that a child who starts school like the op’s child has and has very patchy attendance is having choices made by their parent that affect their confidence, attainment and socialisation. You are then counteracting this with your own ideas about how children start school too early. Can’t you see that these are two different ideas and your ‘’evidence’ doesn’t disprove this?

A previous poster mentioned your clear agenda for misleading the poster and I see it here. What are you hoping to achieve telling the op that this is ok? It’s not ok for children who are signed up for school to miss large chunks. If all children start school at the same time (whatever age this might be) this means all children progress from this point at the same age. The op’s child is missing school when their peers are not. This is damaging.

Whether you choose to believe my experience and opinion is up to you and matters not a jot to me. I speak from my experience, that is all.

As an educator we have a duty to put children first. This is what I do. This includes advising parents using our professional opinion. By misleading the op you are doing the exact opposite.

Shame on you.