to keep him off school some days at the moment

[tinyyturtle]

hello first post so hope im doing this right

i have 3 boys ds1 is 4 and in reception ds2 is 2.5 and doesnt walk and ds3 is 10 weeks old today

school is about 2 miles away and i dont drive. walking isnt really possible for me as i have mobility problems myself so the bus is the only realistic way of doing it

ds2 technically still fits in a normal buggy but it doesnt support him properly and he kind of slumps to one side. he does have a sen buggy but its massive and its honestly a pain on the bus. half the time theres no space and trying to get on with that plus ds1 and the baby in a sling and bags is a whole thing

bus drivers also dont see it as a disabled buggy they just see a big buggy and expect me to fold it. which is hard because then i have to find somewhere safe to put ds2 while i fold it and hold the baby at the same time which isnt exactly easy

people do tut as well which doesnt help

some mornings its just chaos. if i take the big buggy i struggle getting it on and off and folding it while holding the baby. if i take the normal buggy ds2 just slides about and i feel bad about that

the baby cries a lot on the bus too which makes the whole thing more stressful

so the truth is ds1 has missed a fair bit of school recently. more than id like really. some mornings i just cant face doing the whole bus situation and i keep him home

i know reception isnt technically compulsory but i also know its not ideal for him missing days and i do feel guilty about it

aibu to just keep him off sometimes for now until the baby is a bit older and things settle down a bit or should i be pushing myself to get him there every day even if its a nightmare

im honestly exhausted at the moment and just wondering what other people would do in this situation

Do this.

Your partner sounds fairly useless tbh. I can't imagine leaving the other parent struggling like this.

But a lot of men won't ask to vary hours and maybe he's one of them! So you need to solve it.

It sounds like you haven't actually tried breakfast club?

I have a feeling it was a thinly veiled dig about her probably not really going back to work in the future

I said SEVERE. It’s a spectrum. Your ADHD obviously means you jump to conclusions and have no attention to detail. Hypermobility is very very common in cases of SEVERE ADHD.

It's usually better to talk to people than about them. In general I agree with your point but the word safeguarding can mean very different things to different people. So Disabled children are entitled to support by virtue of the disability and if there are particularly challenging circumstances- that's where the ' in need' bit comes in.
There are plenty neuro divergent parents especially of disabled children, and it's a factor that should be acknowledged as part of the family's needs. Ie, if a parent needs information presented in a certain way you do that, if more overwhelmed than the next person you may need to give extra help.
This can all be done for disabled children and their families under in need and they have a right to it. This is the reason early help and disabled children teams exist. Each situation is unique. So most disabled children are not children in need but for some that's absolutely what works for them and their families.
Parents don't automatically know how to ask. Safeguarding is a professional term and it's important concept but the language can frighten people. A struggle with disability because the correct supports are not yet in, is not usually construed as a ' safeguarding' problem. But I knew a GP who called all CIN ' safeguarding' when they weren't really. You can see how that'd prevent kids from accessing the bog standard help.

Is there a reason he’s at this school in particular? Is it your closest? If other schools nearer are available I’d look to move him and asap.
Or whilst it sounds counterintuitive have you explored other schools that might be on a quieter bus route?
Do you have neighbours? Where do their kids go and how do they get there?

I know it feels tough at the moment with the youngest being so young but you really need to woman up for your kids. Tell the bus driver it’s classed as a wheelchair and can’t be folded, chase up the wheelchair, sort out your benefits. All of this will help in the long run, short term pain, long term gain.

This sounds really hard but I wouldnt be wanting to keep your son off school. I have a ds in Y1 and they dont reteach anything from reception, just plough on with more complex reading and writing. So if he is missing the basics, Y1 will be tough.
I'd speak to the school, see if other parents can help twice a week, look at a taxi, or a babysitter to walk or drive him to school. We have an excellent facebook page for our town where little jobs like this are posted. Could be something a uni student or retired person could help with.
Seems like this will be a very long term problem that may get harder when the baby is too big for a carrier.

Your son should not suffer because you didn’t think things like this through when popping out two more children after him, knowing you can’t drive and have mobility issues! Honestly don’t know what to suggest for you, maybe your partner needs to rethink his work hours instead of being able to swan off to work and leave it all to you!

thanks - completely take what you are saying onboard 👍

Can I make an observation - that you’re doing well in the circumstances. 💐 Life with a baby is tough even without all of those extra factors. It is going to take a little extra effort I am afraid, but it is possible to make things easier. You have had some helpful suggestions already. This is what I would do.

Prioritise phoning your local Citizens Advice to make an appointment. You need help with the PIP appeal as I believe this is time limited. They can also do a benefits check to make sure you are claiming all you are entitled to. You might be eligible for things like Healthy start vouchers for example. Please don’t put this off. I know it’s not fun but the CAB people are really supportive.

As you don’t drive, you don’t have the expense of a car, so could you find money in the household budget to use for taxi’s? Can you talk to your partner? Knowing that you could use a taxi, even just a couple of times a month, on particularly challenging days, might help you feel that life is more manageable. Appreciate this may not be possible if you’re not working, but throwing money at a problem can sometimes help. If your partner can’t work flexible hours to help - he needs to help you in other ways. It isn’t your sole problem. Your family may not be nearby but could they help financially at all?

Bus drivers shouldn’t be making you fold up what is in effect a wheelchair. Do get a tag for it. Please also speak to the bus company. If it’s stagecoach, here are their contact details.
https://www.stagecoachbus.com/corporate/contact-usStagecoach

Ask them if they still have a journey assistance card system - this is information you can show to the driver when you get on. Bus companies are keen to make their services accessible.

When I used to commute by bus, it was always the same one at the same time, and I would say hello to the regulars. This might feel difficult if you are introverted but just start saying hello, or smiling. Over time you may slowly develop some allies, so if the driver is unreasonable, others will advocate for you, or help you. Often people don’t step up because they don’t want to be seen as interfering. I am a mum (now of adults 😁) and would absolutely help if I felt you needed some back up on public transport.

Finally, what are you doing to look after your own wellbeing? You’ve sound exhausted. Is there any way you can carve out some time to yourself?

You’ve got this, so make a list and get that extra support you deserve.

Reception hasn’t been about play for years - my oldest is doing her GCSEs and her reception year was all about reading. I hear it’s even more hard core these days.

@tinyyturtle I sympathise but this can’t continue. Your DS is being set up to fail at school. The foundations in early years are so important. I don’t disagree that it should be different, I think we should be having only play-based learning until Y1 but I’m not in charge.

Your two options are to power through with the bus option, breakfast club, or a combination of the two. You could, for example, agree with your DH that he drops at breakfast club Monday and Friday, and you do Tues-Thurs on the bus.

Ring the bus company and explain that your child is in a collapsible wheelchair and you are feeling under pressure to collapse it on the bus as it’s similar in appearance to a pushchair. They will have an inclusion policy. With some luck the drivers will be asked to look out for you. Buy a luggage label for the Maclaren - it will help. And power through.

amzn.eu/d/0fXnJ3xa

God that's rare. :)

What about his literacy, maths, the whole curriculum and all the other learning that goes on in School? How long do you think this struggling mum might keep her children from school?

You mentioned that your DS would struggle with breakfast club because he finds new situations overwhelming - but if he went every day, it would soon enough no longer be a new situation and he might feel more comfortable with it?

If your partner is unable to change his working hours in his current job then he needs to start looking for a new one which is compatible with doing the school run.

Perhaps contact the bus company to enquire about their policy on SEN buggies - they may have official badges they can issue you, or be able to give a reminder to the drivers that you shouldn’t be made to fold these.

Of course a taxi to/from school every day is going to be unaffordable for most people, but could you use this as a fallback option on those days when you really just can’t face it and would otherwise keep your son at home? You could get a taxi there in the morning and take the bus home when it’s less crowded?

It sounds like a really tough situation but I think you are doing your son a disservice by keeping him off school.

At home with siblings and parents. Where has this notion come from that 4 year olds most only mix with other non-related 4 year olds in order to be social? There also may be a park or softplay in walking distance, a library or a church hall with groups around the corner which are more accessible for OP, we don't know. School at 4 is not the only, or I would suggest, the preferable option developmentally.

Not now applicable for the OP but for anyone else who doesn't already know, childcare hours are valid up until a child reaches compulsory school age, so eg. the OPs child is June birthday they could have been in nursery or with a childminder until end of this August 2026. This may have given more flexibility for this year for the OP, finding a nursery or childminder in walking distance or arriving at non-peak time to help with public transport and choosing only to put DS4 in for a day or 2 a week.

I think this is very unfair on your DS. It's not his fault the adults in his life have made the decisions that have led to this situation. Ultimately, your DH needs to help. Work is important to support the family but that doesn't excuse him of any parental involvement or responsibility to support his sons education .

If you have 4 year olds in a classroom who have mat time, arithmetic and phonics taught to them at set times which they can't get up and walk away from as they please, that's formal. My agenda, insofar as I have one, is matching child development to child education, something that putting children in a classroom environment at 4 doesn't achieve. I think we need to question the agenda that pushes that development mismatch and the consequent harm it can cause.

It doesn't sound like those things are around the corner or that she would actually be able to get them there. It is very important for him to socialise with his contemporaries but you obviously have an agenda.

In short bursts of time. In other countries they would be doing this in the kindergartens and other forms of places they use to teach numbers. I genuinely don't think it is a good idea to advocate home ed for OP. I have a disabled child. There is no way I would have time to be able to do any form of learning for other children.

You should apply for pip for yourself and use the money to pay for taxis to and from school. Or put your eldest in breakfast club and get your partner to drop him at school.

It sounds exhausting for anyone, even more so if you also have mobility issues.

I was going to suggest an automatic, but you have explained that didn't work either.

I know you have said that you were refused pip. Have you looking into whether anything can be claimed for DS2? I don't know how things work, and i know there are lots of changes, but is any form of carer allowance relevant to you?

Not sure how practical it would be, but could you speak to citizens advice, or somewhere in your area that helps with benefit claims. If DS 2 has any appointments/support they may be able to support/direct you.

Maybe look at getting a notice for the buggy to say that it is to be treated as a wheelchair. May not make much difference, but may make a few people think before acting.

3 children under 5 and you have mobility issues- you need some help, problems like this are only going to get worse, so you need some support in place now- family, paid, charity, it doesn't matter but you have to find some.

I think it sounds like excuses because you don’t seem to want to solve this in the mid and long term, or at least you seem to not know how. Not going in for reception is NOT a solution. If you don’t solve this now it will get harder. You need to take on the responsibilty for solving this and stop finding reasons why not to. My husband and extended family have this type of severe ADHD. Looking at his younger brother and my MIL’s inability to find solutions in order to parent properly, I urge you to get into the right mindset now. I know ADHD is hard, especially severe ADHD, so ask the school, SS etc for help and BE CONSISTENT!

to the people saying i cant cope with 3 children and why did i have them, thats a bit unfair really. i am coping, its the school run that is the problem not the children themselves. the days ds1 is home arent chaotic or anything like that

a normal day if hes not at school is breakfast at home, then we usually go out somewhere once everyone is dressed and sorted. theres a park about 10 minutes away that we go to quite a lot if the weather is ok. sometimes just a short walk or to the little shops nearby. ds1 plays, ds2 goes on the swing with support, baby usually sleeps in the sling. then back home for lunch, bit of tv or playing and then the afternoon goes quite quickly between snacks, sorting ds2 and the baby etc

so we do get out, we arent housebound or anything like that. its specifically the early morning bus situation with all three of them that is the struggle

a few people asked about breakfast club again. part of my worry with that is ds1 can be funny with food and if he doesnt eat breakfast at home im not convinced he would eat there either and then id be worrying he was hungry all morning

re dh work they are already being fairly flexible with appointments for the boys. he doesnt go to all of them but sometimes he does. usually mil or another family member will drop me off and then he will pick us up depending on the time or sometimes they do both if hes working. so he already feels like work are being quite accommodating and he doesnt really want to push it further

someone asked about dla for ds2. yes we do get the care component for him. obviously not mobility as hes under 3

we dont get anything for ds1 as his needs arent that severe so we havent put anything in for him

again i do appreciate the helpful suggestions. im not ignoring advice im just explaining what our situation actually looks like because some things people suggest unfortunately just arent possible for us right now

He doeent have to eat breakfast at breakfast club. Its just somewhere for him to go before school so your other half can drop him.

When we used our disability buggies, I put signs on with the disabled symbol saying 'Please class as a wheelchair's. If you Google it, you will find ones out there.

I would also practice something in your head to say to bus drivers when they ask you to fold such as "This is a mobility aid for a disabled child and is legally classed in the same category as a wheelchair so I'm allowed to use the wheelchair space in the same way as a wheelchair user would be able to use it. My son cannot walk at all and he therefore needs to remain in his mobility aid and it cannot be folded".

If pushed and they insist you fold it, say something like "By asking me to fold my child's mobility aid when he can't walk at all due to his disabilities is the same as you telling a wheelchair user that they can't use that space. Is that what you're actually saying? If so, then I will make a complaint of disability discrimination to your employer".

It will be hard at first but buses usually have regular drivers so once you've set that boundary a few times, then you shouldn't have to do it again very often.

Also, there is a guy called GEMZ Disability Aids (or disability buggies) on Facebook. He reconditions second hand mobility aids and helps people to source them. There is a two seater buggy out there that can has a seat for a disabled child and another seat for a baby/toddler. So, once you can't sling your baby any more, this could be an option perhaps? It may be worth you starting to look now?

I'll see if I can find a link to the one I'm thinking of...

I would also talk to your LA as they may be able to offer transport for your eldest due to your circumstances. No harm in asking the question.