to gift mum Mother's Day gift she won't want

[brainsandgrains]

My mother is not in the best financial situation and never treats herself.

I am in quite a bad financial situation and she has no idea. I lost two clients due to budget cuts 7 months ago so monthly income went from £4.5k a month to £1.5k a month.

I am the breadwinner. We are dipping into savings every month and all spending that isn't essential has ground to a halt.

I don't want my mum to know this. The situation is too complex to explain why but this is really important to me.

Last year for mother's day I went all out. Her friend had died two months before, I got an unexpected £500. So I took her to a spa, then out to a three course meal and got her a giant bouquet. It cost a lot more than I was planning to pay as I didn't intend for it to be three course but I got carried away.

She has spoken about this all year.

I was a guest a panel last week and received the most lovely hamper as a thank you. It's from a social enterprise, it's full of sustainable products and is really really lovely, every product has an interesting story.

I was about to tuck into it myself but then I had the idea to regift it to mum but obviously she wouldn't know it was a regift.

But it's not the same as a £150 spa day and £150 dinner.

I looked up the brand online and I couldn't find the exact one so I think it was a build your own hamper and I guess around £50.

I wouldn't give her a gift I thought she wouldn't like.

If she wasn't comparing to last year it would have gone down really well. It's not that she would dislike the gift, just that she would be expecting more.

She messaged this morning saying how much she loved Mother's Day last year and how special it made her feel. I know this is a hint and I feel so rubbish.

I have to be careful with mum because if I do something like offer to cook her dinner she will say 'let's just go out to eat'.

AIBU to give her this gift?

Same here - reflecting the behaviour back is sometimes the only way through it but obviously it depends how it will land.

Your brother though, I would draft something like blunt like "I don't have the £300 she's upset over. If you'd like to help, please feel free to pay for the reservations she wants."

Or you can reframe as but we can do something nice and then ignore her pleas of it isn't enough.

What if you say you have to be really sensible and cautious with money right now so that you can be sure to be able to help her if she ever needed it?
But ultimately this is unsustainable. The only way you can prove to her you have enough money is by spending extravagantly, and you can't do that unless you give up eating or something.

sometimes I think the only way to deal with people is to speak the same language back at them rather than always being the one to take the high road. Even if it doesn't 'work' neither will trying to explain it the way you would to a sensible person, and it might make you feel better! So even if it doesn't feel natural to you, go for the whole guilt trip, as that is what she understands.

"Mum you have really hurt my feelings by saying that. I spent £xxx on you last year and I could only afford that because of my bonus - which I chose to spend not on myself or (if you have any of them) my DP/children/mortgage, but on you, exactly because I do love you and want to treat you. If I spent the same amount every year I would go into debt. Is that what you want? When you say I have lots of nice things, that is because I work hard and buy them myself. It is your choice not to treat yourself. I think you deserve to! Think of how you would feel if I said 'All my friends' parents gave them a huge house deposit, and because you didn't that means you don't love me, and I'm embarrassed you are my mother. That is exactly how your message makes me feel. Perhaps it is better if we don't see each other this year if my only value to you is how much I spend."

Maybe next year, if as it sounds she likes 'stuff' to evidence you think of her, go that way rather than monetary and do the sort of stuff she does for your birthday. You might think you don't have the time, but you can cheat! e.g. buy a cake that 'looks' homemade, and/or just buy fancy toppers etc of etsy to decorate it, so it looks amazing and you can honestly say you did it yourself! Or make a basic sponge you can freeze weeks in advance when you're cooking something else. Ask AI to write a cheesy poem - you can literally get it to personalise it to her by feeding it some info.

But honestly OP as pp's have said - this all sounds like the tip of an iceburg and if I were you I'd be eating the hamper yourself, turning your phone off on mother's day and looking into getting counselling for what is a very unhealthy relationship.

She is a very kind hearted person.
She's really, really not, if this is the way she responds to you. She can be neurodivergent and still understand that words hurt people. Which is why I suggest responding in the same vein.

It may be a trauma response but it is HER trauma response, so it is on her to manage and get help for it, not relay the trauma on to you so it becomes generational!

He can piss off!

She's lucky you're not me because at this point I'd be telling her to fuck off!

I have adult DC, I'm also ND and have had multiple traumas in my life. In no way ever would I treat my DC this way. I'm shocked and horrified on your behalf.

At this point I think you should just say "I'm sorry you feel that way" and leave it at that, that's if you really don't feel you can tell her about your financial situation. Because what ever you say/offer now won't be good enough anyway.

And yes eat the chocolate!

Give her the hamper and each year reduce her expectations

Is there a reason you don't want her to know your not as flush as pervious..?I'm guessing she's toxic?

Is your brother also ND ? What a c**t and I rarely use that word .

She doesn’t sound like a very nice mum at all. My mum would never act this way. She is a genuinely nice and kind, considerate person and would hate the thought of me worrying about her Mother’s Day gift.

I think you should step back from the relationship for a little while and evaluate it. It doesn’t sound normal, or good, at all.
Mother’s Day gift should be the last of your concern right now. Give the hamper and a card and draw a line under it. Any reaction other than a good one is her problem not yours.

Ask him what he’s got planned

Nope absolutely don't lie. Personally I (and a lot of other MNers I imagine 😂) would just be telling Mum and Brother to fuck right off. They're both manipulating you.

You’re setting yourself up to fail at Mother’s Day forever. Really think about this and being emotionally blackmailed from here on in.

Personally I’d send the message preferably by a third person (flying monkey style)that your money situation has changed but you don’t want her to know because you don’t want her to be worried. And that you are very upset about the emotional blackmail.

OP were you the "adult" growing up while she just had space to be the child in the relationship? I've read the first page + all your repsponses so sorry if this has already been said. Look up parentification. And has she actually ever been diagnosed with neurodivergence? Sounds more like a personality disorder, treating your kids like this. The lavish gifts (handicrafts, poems etc) are to give her power over you and to make you feel indebted to her. The constant contact is to ensure you're not your own person when you can be hers instead. The manipulation is off the scale. Really, I'd let this play out. Try not to feel like you're her "fixer" because you're not. In THIS relationship, she should be the mature adult, you should have space to share your thoughts and feelings too. And I get the sense you don't and never have. You've learned that your role is to placate her. But it's not. She's an adult and you're not responsible for her. You're not her mother.

All of this.

And also makes me so unbelievably grateful for my own mum who would never, ever expect anything from me and would be so happy with even just a card and some chocolates (although I did used to always treat her to more when I could afford it!)

Yes you need to eat the chocolate.

For your mother:
How disappointing that you only feel that way if the gift is very expensive. I'm doing the best I can with what I have but if that isn't good enough then I won't bother.

For your brother:
It's your turn to take her.

What does "full anxiety mode" look like?

Frankly you’re enabling her behaviour

just tell her things have changed financially temporarily and you hope to be able to nice things in the future but Mother’s Day is about spending time together not money

frankly I’d tell her and your brother to fuck off at this point

how dare anyone suggest you’ve embarrassed her because you’re not taking her to the spa!!!

wtf have I read!!

OP, in the kindest way, you need to stand up for yourself and not be manipulated.

Your brother is the proverbial flying monkey and your mum is manipulating you - ND or not.

I’d call her and tell her the truth including why you haven’t told her about your financial situation at the moment.

She’s hardly behaving like the type of mother who deserves the treats.

Please tell your brother to but out or better still, spend £500 on his mum.

I know you've said she is neurodivergent and that there is a lot of background you haven't included. I could of course be wrong, but I think she's taking you for a mug! She is trying to play on your emotions so she gets her present and dinner at an expensive restaurant, when you've already indicated funds are tight. Sorry but this isn't what good mothers do!

My 2 DS are both adults. 1 DS and I are planning on having a coffee and doughnut together (from M&S - have you tried pistachio they are amazing!!). The other is coming back from Uni to see us. No one needs all the spa days and expensive restaurants and whatever else. She understands the money situation she just doesn't accept it. @ThejoyofNC is entirely correct! I'd honestly be drawing back a bit if my DM put that over me (she never did, sadly passed away now).

Having had a complicated mother, I feel your pain. My take though is that you do need to rip off the plaster and explain your financial situation to her. The thing is ,you are coming at this from a position of knowing you can’t afford it so it makes sense to you, she doesn’t understand that so thinks you are being mean or selfish ( not that you are at all ). This issue is going to crop uptime and time again if she is this materialistic. You need to just sit her down, explain that you love her and will always be there for her , but that you do not have money to splash at the moment.
plus give your brother a big kick up the backside !

OP, the only way out of this is to be honest about your situation. Tell her you have lost some contracts, that your income is less than half and that you just don't have the money, that last year was due to a windfall.

Whining to your brother is ridiculous and done purely so he would have a go at you and she would get her own way if you caved.

She can tantrum as much as she likes, but you can't do what you can't afford.

A decent mother would understand that

Maybe she really enjoyed spending time with you ! For me as a mum of adult children; I appreciate spending time with them! It doesn’t have to be pricey either.

OP has offered to spend time with her. She want's to go to a fancy restaurant and is furious it's not happening.

I'm so sorry OP, what a horrible situation.

For your brother - you'll know best if he should just be ignored. He's being a dick, but it's not your responsibility to make him realise that if doing so will just draw you into a horrible tit for tat where he disrespects you and blames you for things that aren't your fault. You can just ignore him, he's irrelevant to your situation.

For your mum, I would just be really calm and factual about it. Try and take the heat out, while still standing up for yourself. Something like:

"I love you very much and I am always here to support you. I can't provide a spa treatment and an expensive meal for mother's day every year, but we both know our love for one another does not depend on expensive gifts. I am looking forward to spending the day with you on Sunday.'

Don't respond further to anything else she says. She's trying to manipulate you - out of fear and trauma, yes, but nonetheless manipulation is what it is. You've said your piece and you don't have to keep relitigating it just because she has decided that maternal devotion has a monetary value.

I wouldn't even give her the hamper. Enjoy it yourself - it sounds like you'd appreciate it much more than her!