to gift mum Mother's Day gift she won't want

[brainsandgrains]

My mother is not in the best financial situation and never treats herself.

I am in quite a bad financial situation and she has no idea. I lost two clients due to budget cuts 7 months ago so monthly income went from £4.5k a month to £1.5k a month.

I am the breadwinner. We are dipping into savings every month and all spending that isn't essential has ground to a halt.

I don't want my mum to know this. The situation is too complex to explain why but this is really important to me.

Last year for mother's day I went all out. Her friend had died two months before, I got an unexpected £500. So I took her to a spa, then out to a three course meal and got her a giant bouquet. It cost a lot more than I was planning to pay as I didn't intend for it to be three course but I got carried away.

She has spoken about this all year.

I was a guest a panel last week and received the most lovely hamper as a thank you. It's from a social enterprise, it's full of sustainable products and is really really lovely, every product has an interesting story.

I was about to tuck into it myself but then I had the idea to regift it to mum but obviously she wouldn't know it was a regift.

But it's not the same as a £150 spa day and £150 dinner.

I looked up the brand online and I couldn't find the exact one so I think it was a build your own hamper and I guess around £50.

I wouldn't give her a gift I thought she wouldn't like.

If she wasn't comparing to last year it would have gone down really well. It's not that she would dislike the gift, just that she would be expecting more.

She messaged this morning saying how much she loved Mother's Day last year and how special it made her feel. I know this is a hint and I feel so rubbish.

I have to be careful with mum because if I do something like offer to cook her dinner she will say 'let's just go out to eat'.

AIBU to give her this gift?

‘Not unless you are paying! (Smiley face) Last year was a once off treat and I had to pay for x (children’s activity/school item) this week so will not be going out to dinner any time soon. Kids eh!!’

Or Maybe just lie mum, like I do about all the expensive things I am treated to.

Don’t tell her anything and protect yourself.

"Yes mum, I went a bit OOT last year as I had an unexpected bonus and felt you needed a special cheer up last year so wanted to do sonething extra that one time. But Im glad it was appreciated, do know I appreciate you all the time."

Over the years my mum has gotten Mother’s Day gifts ranging from home made cards and a bar of dairy milk to a week long holiday. She showed appreciation for each of these things and never expected to be taken on holiday or anything like that, but I did it because I got my first adult job bonus and she’s done a lot of me. If your mum isn’t happy with a £50 hamper then sorry but fuck that. I would never want my kids to feel like that, especially in a cost of living crisis. Don’t get me wrong I expect a card every Mother’s Day from now until the day I die - but I think that’s fair.

Exactly. @brainsandgrains your dm is probably only nice if things go her way. She's manipulative.

You definitely could do with some counselling.
Can anyone here at least recommend some books or sites that could help op understand this?

I know this might sound a bit blunt OP, but saying very clearly 'I love you very much, and it makes me very sad that you only feel loved when the gift ia expensive' isnt one she can get round, surely?

I would change the message to the brother to
'Remind me, how much did you spend on her last year?' But then ive got an evil streak

I know this might sound a bit blunt OP, but saying very clearly 'I love you very much, and it makes me very sad that you only feel loved when the gift is expensive' isnt one she can get round, surely?

I would change the message to the brother to
'Remind me, how much did you spend on her last year?' But then ive got an evil streak

The only way you can deal with it is to be honest.

"I didnt want to worry you but I lost two clients recently and our income has gone down to a third of what it was. We are barely scraping by. I simply do not have any spare money and we are dipping into savings just to pay the bills. I promise that if I had the money then of course I would treat you but I dont."

Yeah I would definitely be pulling the brother up on this. I would bet he barely puts his hand in his pocket for her.

You don't have to mention your financial situation to her but I would tell her that you are not a cash cow and what you did last year was never intended to become a yearly thing. You already got organised for this year and it's disappointing she makes you feel it's not good enough. Surely, mother's day is not about the price tag.
I would also seriously reconsider your gifts to her if/when your financial situation improves.

I hope your friends are not that shallow mum to think that spending money = love.

But you can show them this love poem I wrote for you:

Roses are yellow
Snowdrops are white
Having a materialistic mother
Is absolutely shite

I think you have been conditioned to be scared of her mental health.

You need to drop the rope and stop being her safety valve.

Just be straight with your Mum, tell her your finances have changed and surely she will be ok with a card and small gift.

She can’t tell her mother about her money situation because her mother will melt that down and use it as bullets.

Information is ammunition with a mother like that.

Well this.

Your mother sounds awful and you sound bullied by her and your twat of a brother. OP - be kind to yourself.

How on earth can she not understand that you just can't afford it?

You are being much more understanding and calm about the whole thing than most people would be. If you had the money, you would be treating her like last year but your financial circunstances have changed massively for the worse through no fault of your own.

Her guilt tripping diatribe is pretty disgusting in my opinion.

I was going to say; Do you not have some time given you have 2 fewer clients? Can you do a photo album or book or similar?

Since your last update with her manipulative message:
Play her at her own game:
Oh what a shame mum that you only think I'm treating you if I can afford an expensive meal and treat? I've been telling all my friends what a lovely mother you are and how much we enjoyed our time together last year and now I am crying thinking how grabby you are.

Yes, if you feel telling her would burden you both, don't let Mother's Day back you into a corner. I feel bad for you that being generous last year has made things harder this year.

Whatever you do keep the hamper for her, as it will help make whatever you do for her seem more special, and will take the pressure off that way. Could you choose an afternoon tea somewhere (as opposed to spa and meal) and give the hamper on arrival/have it waiting at the table to look celebratory?

Don't do this.

I don't think the op is looking for drama.

What do you gain by continuing to pander to her? What would you lose by standing up to her manipulation?

I wouldn't pander to a second of this any longer! You're enabling her to mistreat you & it isn't fair.

So you're her emotional support puppy? Why are you in charge of her emotional wellbeing? Who cares about your trauma from growing up with her?

I've changed my answer. Eat the contents of the hamper yourself. Don't buy her a gift. Send her a mother's day card with the phone number of a therapist inside

Yabu to think you need to spend these sorts of amounts on mother's day. Just get her a card and some flowers.

Yikes, I'm just getting my mum a card and a potted plant & I'm sure she'll be happy.
I really hope this is new behaviour and she didn't parentify you like this when you were a child.

No you don't need to be careful, you need to stop being manipulated. What's scary about telling her no?