to gift mum Mother's Day gift she won't want

[brainsandgrains]

My mother is not in the best financial situation and never treats herself.

I am in quite a bad financial situation and she has no idea. I lost two clients due to budget cuts 7 months ago so monthly income went from £4.5k a month to £1.5k a month.

I am the breadwinner. We are dipping into savings every month and all spending that isn't essential has ground to a halt.

I don't want my mum to know this. The situation is too complex to explain why but this is really important to me.

Last year for mother's day I went all out. Her friend had died two months before, I got an unexpected £500. So I took her to a spa, then out to a three course meal and got her a giant bouquet. It cost a lot more than I was planning to pay as I didn't intend for it to be three course but I got carried away.

She has spoken about this all year.

I was a guest a panel last week and received the most lovely hamper as a thank you. It's from a social enterprise, it's full of sustainable products and is really really lovely, every product has an interesting story.

I was about to tuck into it myself but then I had the idea to regift it to mum but obviously she wouldn't know it was a regift.

But it's not the same as a £150 spa day and £150 dinner.

I looked up the brand online and I couldn't find the exact one so I think it was a build your own hamper and I guess around £50.

I wouldn't give her a gift I thought she wouldn't like.

If she wasn't comparing to last year it would have gone down really well. It's not that she would dislike the gift, just that she would be expecting more.

She messaged this morning saying how much she loved Mother's Day last year and how special it made her feel. I know this is a hint and I feel so rubbish.

I have to be careful with mum because if I do something like offer to cook her dinner she will say 'let's just go out to eat'.

AIBU to give her this gift?

Lots of good advice here. I wouldn’t say much more than ….last year was lovely but quite expensive treat and not something I can do every year.

do not use savings or credit card to treat her to meal or spa day. That is ludicrous and damaging to your family and may cause tensions within your family. Spa day and expensive meals are not essentials and you need to prioritize essentials

no one should expect an expensive outing to continue annually and indefinitely. It’s a lesson to learn…keep her expectations minimal. Hamper and meal this year. Next year card and flowers. Dial it way way down because once your business picks back up you will need to rebuild savings.

absolutely tell brother he can take her or he can pay for a meal or spa service. Dontt take his shit too.
i would love for you to ask her “what friends” she has been telling about her day. She’s bragging? She’s setting the stage so you feel you have to do something otherwise it’s embarrassing for her? If you know she doesn’t have friends ask her….does she mean the clerk in the store and the postman?

Ask your brother what wonderful plans he has? Say you've got limited funds this year and ask if he would like to go half-zies on his amazing gift or a meal out?

I think saying to your Mum that you've got significantly less money at the moment would be the way I would go with it OR planning a cheaper meal BUT the emotional manipulation does sound draining!

OP I understand that for whatever reason, you feel you need to treat your mum with kid gloves, but neurodivergent or not she has no right whatsoever to speak to you in the way she has and to upset and guilt trip you. My older DD is autistic but she was taught about kindness and respect for other people's feelings from an early age and would never speak to or treat anyone like this.

Put bluntly your mum is being an utter dick and you should call her out on this.

My own mother was a raging narcissist her whole life but when I started putting myself first and biting back a bit, her behaviour towards me improved a little, while she continued to be as vile as ever to my sister.

Tell your mum that you are very upset by her reaction to not being able to go out for a fancy meal and that while you don't want to discuss the finer details of why this can't happen this year, you expect her to accept this with dignity and decency.

Your brother is an even bigger dick. Ley him step up this year and be the golden child or tell him to STFU.

Tell your brother to send you £500 and you'll "fix it"

OP your financial situation is a red herring! You could have lots of money and still decided to get your mum a lovely hamper. Stop feeling guilty.
She is being a dick.
In fact, I would probably keep the hamper now. You love it and she isn't going to enjoy whatever you give her now.

this setup sounds very familiar to me - fragile mother, babied adult brother, me carrying emotional weight of family.

i just wanted to say that I know how tough it is to carry your mums fragile mental health, especially when you could probably sometimes do with support yourself.

What an appalling woman!
Here would be my reply-
“Mother’s Day is about spending time with, and appreciating someone you love. Expensive gifts should not be what the day is about. I will not burden you with my financial situation, but I cannot afford to repeat last year. If my money is all I am worth to you, then I’m not interested in spending any time with you.”

And tell your brother to bog off.

What an awful family!

Tell your mum your that you have lost two clients therefore money is very tight this year. Take her to the movies to watch wuthering highs and a nandos or something like that.

I’d reply with a simple factual response. ‘I can’t afford to repeat what we did last year but It does not in any way mean that I love you any less’.

First and foremost I find it so sad that you can't share your problems with your mum. I'd imagine she'd be really sad also that you felt you couldn't share it with her 😔

You have my sympathies.
In terms of a message back I agree with those who have suggested being emotional back to her.

One thing that strikes me is that you said that you see her and spend time with her very regularly if that's the case surely you can't hide the financial situation for very long because it will become evident in other ways. So although it may cause problems, unless you think your situation will reverse quickly it feels better to deal with that conversation now rather than wait until her suspicions grow.

By the way I got a nice hamper at Christmas time and it contained a bar of raspberry chocolate, and I have to say it was absolutely delicious so if it's dark chocolate with a wavy pattern and bits of raspberry I would highly recommend eating it.

I ate half the chocolate. It was amazing and I have no regrets. I will leave the rest for her.

I also sent a diplomatic message back based on suggestion here.

I received the text back: what gift did you get me?

I know now she can't be reasoned with.

So I just told her about the gift hamper in a similar way to how I described it here making it sound really thoughtful.

She hasn't responded yet.

You can't keep protecting her. She can't see you as backup when your financials aren't as they were.

Tell your brother that he can take her out to the restaurant, you don't have the coin.

If she's ND theres probably a large smattering of RSD in there. It has you on eggshells, but sometimes a dose of reality needs to be thrown in.

Tell her you're sorry she feels that way, that you can't afford it this year. Rinse and repeat.

Don't let her grind you down. She'll try but this will be your life forever if you don't nip it in the bud now.

I think its your brother's turn to 'treat' your mum!
Gift her the hamper and a card and say 'brother' is taking you to XX restaurant as I cant afford it and he doesn't want you to miss out. Ha.

I used to send my mum a card, sometimes a little gift, flowers, sometimes see her and sometimes not, but always have a nice chat with her. :) She wasnt a materialistic person.

Mother's Day - like most 'Days' has got out of control.

Sadly this year its my first without mum and I'd give anything for a chat and a hug x

‘Mum, I’m pretty skint at the moment, so I’m afraid I can’t afford to treat you to dinner out.’

She does sound extremely grabby, OP. I have two grown up dds and I’m always telling them NOT to spend their money on me!’ And I mean it! They do usually buy me something for M-Day anyway, but nothing very expensive, maybe a planted basket of spring flowers.

Yes, thanks to your brothers response I might suggest telling her that your brother had specifically asked you not to do the same this year as he wanted it to be his turn. Then forward the message to him.

What a grabby mare! I wouldn’t care if she ND at this point, I’d tell her straight!

I have adult children, and I would be heartbroken if I knew they were worrying like this about a present for me. PLEASE just tell her you’re in a more difficult financial position this year. If you’re going to her house, why not buy/bake the things for an afternoon tea to share together? Do you have children? Could they come with you with some flowers?

I really think you need to get some therapy to understand your relationship with your mother. It's very far from normal and very harmful. She's clearly not well but that shouldn't have been your responsibility as a child and isn't your responsibility now either. You say that she looks at you as a potential financial support, put together with her manipulative tactics, her demanding behaviour and your lack of boundaries around her I would be very concerned about what happens in your dynamic as she ages. You're going to be run ragged and make yourself physically and mentally ill.

You've decided that you don't want to tell her about your money situation. Good, that's a boundary, stick to that. She's not entitled to know.

This isn't going to get better by Sunday, I'd post her a card and message her back saying how hurt you are "That was a very manipulative and hurtful message mum". Just that. No need to explain or justify yourself. No need to labour the point. Don't see her on Sunday or send a gift.

Eat the hamper yourself or donate it to a food bank.

I can understand if therapy is out of your budget right now, but please at least read about parentification, growing up with narcissistic mothers, fear, guilt and obligation.

And tell your brother to stick a daffodil up his bum

That sounds like a brilliant idea. Would he do it though? Your mum does sound quite fragile.

Your own mum is/was quite different, I'm guessing...

The manipulation in her response is crazy.

OP, that isn't neurodivergence, or poor mental health, that's just manipulation and a nasty cruel streak. I have terrible mental health and am neurodivergent and am sensitive to rejection. That's not what this is.

1. It is NOT your responsibility to pander to your mum, to keep her mental health in check, or to worry about how she will respond to hearing facts (like things changed at work and you can't afford it this year)

1. She says she brags about how generous you were but then reduced it to it being a no effort thing. That's manipulative to make you feel like you need to win back her approval. You don't.

Turn it back on her.
"I'm really upset that you think last years gift was no effort and that I need to spend loads for you to feel loved and appreciated. I thought our relationship was more than that. I'm not able to repeat last year's day this year. I'm sorry that that isn't good enough for you. I love you and wish that was enough 😔"

You don't need to explicitly say why you can't repeat it. If she asks then you say your situation has changed. Leave it at that. If she pries again you say that's private between your family.

You can deal with it however you want but understand that this is nothing but manipulation.

As for your brother, ignore. He is probably being manipulated by your mum to make you feel guilty. Either way you both seem to be brainwashed by your mother into thinking this is acceptable. Mental health and neurodivergence doesn't cause this and even if it did, it isn't an excuse.

I'm afraid I can't advise on how to handle someone like this, but I do want to say you haven't done anything wrong and it's terrible (justifiable or not) that an adult is trying to coerce or guilt or trick you into doing something you cannot do, for their own mental benefit. You deserve an emotionally competent mother, all children do. It's not right that she should depend on you for her stability and security. Sorry.

OP's mum doesn't want a thoughtful gift like your suggestions. She wants OP to spend lots of money on her. She has made it perfectly clear that a gift on its own isn't sufficient.

OP, that isn't neurodivergence, or poor mental health, that's just manipulation and a nasty cruel streak.

This. What @Round3HereWeGo says.