to gift mum Mother's Day gift she won't want

[brainsandgrains]

My mother is not in the best financial situation and never treats herself.

I am in quite a bad financial situation and she has no idea. I lost two clients due to budget cuts 7 months ago so monthly income went from £4.5k a month to £1.5k a month.

I am the breadwinner. We are dipping into savings every month and all spending that isn't essential has ground to a halt.

I don't want my mum to know this. The situation is too complex to explain why but this is really important to me.

Last year for mother's day I went all out. Her friend had died two months before, I got an unexpected £500. So I took her to a spa, then out to a three course meal and got her a giant bouquet. It cost a lot more than I was planning to pay as I didn't intend for it to be three course but I got carried away.

She has spoken about this all year.

I was a guest a panel last week and received the most lovely hamper as a thank you. It's from a social enterprise, it's full of sustainable products and is really really lovely, every product has an interesting story.

I was about to tuck into it myself but then I had the idea to regift it to mum but obviously she wouldn't know it was a regift.

But it's not the same as a £150 spa day and £150 dinner.

I looked up the brand online and I couldn't find the exact one so I think it was a build your own hamper and I guess around £50.

I wouldn't give her a gift I thought she wouldn't like.

If she wasn't comparing to last year it would have gone down really well. It's not that she would dislike the gift, just that she would be expecting more.

She messaged this morning saying how much she loved Mother's Day last year and how special it made her feel. I know this is a hint and I feel so rubbish.

I have to be careful with mum because if I do something like offer to cook her dinner she will say 'let's just go out to eat'.

AIBU to give her this gift?

"Ah don't worry mum it will still be lovely. The most important thing is spending time with the people we love and Im looking forward to you coming over. What time shall I pick you up?"

You need to shut down her narrative

You’re making far too many excuses for her, what she has said is manipulative

I think it's worth bearing in mind that a lot of people are neurodivergent and a lot of them have trauma - it's sadly not rare - but the majority of them don't use it as an excuse to behave like your mother is doing, which is off-the-scale manipulative. There is absolutely no excuse for what she said, ever

just got a missed call followed by a lovely message from my brother telling me how awful I am and that my mum is crying and I know how much this day means to her and I need to fix this

no idea what he does for mothers day but mum has never complained

Wait, you have a sibling? It that case suggest he takes her out this year as you don’t have the funds!

Flying monkeys now - tell him to sort it!

Sorry OP, but you need to tell your brother to fuck right off!! If he wants it fixed so badly, HE can pay for it.

I am going out on a limb and I'm going to suggest this is the tip of the dysfunctional dynamic iceberg. Massive hugs OP - this is not you, it's them. I would take a big step back and wait at least a few hours before replying to anyone

Ask him to pay for the meal and spa this year

I’d reply and say “I’m hurt that you are measuring this only by how much money I spend on you. If you want me to quantify it, last year’s Mother’s Day cost me over £300 and I don’t have that much cash. I literally can’t afford to treat you this year because my business has shrunk by 65% since last year. I can’t believe you’d want me to have the anxiety of going into debt to pay for Mother’s Day. What if the car breaks down? Or I need a filling? I have to keep some savings for emergencies. I hope you understand this is nothing to do with how much I love you, and all to do with how difficult my life has become in the last 12 months.”

You need to be honest with her. Tell her your income has dropped so you can't afford it but also make a point that having a special day together doesn't need to be a financial burden to yourself. I am neurodivergent and sensitive to rejection, you need to put a stop to the poor me spiral she's headed into. The emotional blackmail so far is horrible to read, I can't imagine how you must feel receiving it.

You're being emotionally blackmailed and you need to put your foot down.

'Im sorry you're upset and disappointed. My love doesn't correlate to how much I can spend on you each year and while I loved our day together last year I just cant afford it this year. We will still have a lovely day'

I don't think your mother sounds lovely at all. Making a huge fuss because you're not treating her as lavishly as last year and now getting your brother to do her dirty work?

She sounds downright manipulative. Giving her what she wants would mean taking food out of your children's mouths. That's not on.

Jesus, if my mother acted like that she wouldn't be getting anything.

She's manipulating you. It's clear as day especially with how scared you are to disappoint her.

Keep the gift basket for yourself and stop allowing this abuse.

You sound like a very kind people pleaser. You have given lots of rationale for your mums behaviour when actually she is just being really unpleasant and manipulative as others have said. Someone already said lots of people are ND and have experienced trauma, that doesn't make it OK for them to behave as you mum is doing, and most of them dont. I see she has recruited your brother as a flying monkey (look it up). As for treading carefully due to her MH, you are not responsible for her MH. You have been perfectly reasonable. She is not.

Have you ever had therapy regarding your relationship with her? I think it might be helpful.

So how have all the other mothers days panned out? You mention this year and last year but what about all the other years?

Presumably you've spent your entire adult life (and probably your childhood) offering a lot of support to your ND mother, so really your options now are limited? You aren't going to be able to undo a lifetime of learned behaviour - on both your parts - by Sunday.

You either upset her but not doing as she wants, you tell her the truth about your financial situation and hope she can understand or you suck it up and use a credit card to "treat" her?

Sadly you can't go back in time and change things now, although you need to carefully consider how you proceed as your mother gets older and frailer and more demanding. Is it your place to deal with all this? Will you be willing and able to do so?

I don't have my mum here any longer but when she was alive she has serious MH issues (panic, anxiety, agoraphobia). Not once in her life did she ever put any of this on her children.

She can be both vulnerable and difficult. I get it.

I’m so sorry you are carrying this at a time when you can’t actually cope with it.

I would consider replying in kind. She may understand better if you are emotional in return!

”Oh mum, I hate that you’re sad- I’m devastated you think I’ve let you down! Last year was such a big treat, we can’t do it every year. I’m really upset that you only value my gifts when they are really expensive! Presents aren’t about lits of money! I do my best all year, now it feels like that doesn’t matter!”

I mean, you know her so know how that will land. I just know with my similar sounding mother, I have to lay my emotion on thick as she’s the only one with feelings apparently.

I’ve read all your posts so know you want to be careful about wording. I’d tell her that you love her very much but last year was a one-off because you were flush and isn’t an affordable Mother’s Day gift for you this year. She mustn’t equate love with disposable income for lavish treats.

Her behaviour is very manipulative and materialistic. I understand that she’s projecting her own feelings onto you but please do trust all of the replies on here which say the same thing: YANBU to not spend money you don’t have simply because you are being pressured to prove your love with gifts.

What an awful reply she has sent you. Just because she's ND and "sensitive" doesn't mean she doesn't understand finances

Say, sorry can't afford that again this year! I'll just cook something nice and get a bottle of wine in. She said the meal first so you can give the alternative rather than you suggesting staying in and her giving the alternative.

@ThejoyofNC I'm very tempted to eat thsi one chocolate bar in it. It's a gift box hamper so I was able to open it up without destroying it and the booklet doesn't list the contents just the companies and their stories. So I can get away with eating this one raspberry chocolate bar from it.

Shall I do it?

Yes brother has lots of issues and is babied, we avoid eachother.

My mum has serious financial anxiety and becuase I am her safety net (she has never asked for money but knowing she can is what keeps her sane) so she would go into full anxiety mode if she realised my situation

I know it is difficult but you have to say you have no spa money you don't have to go indepth, how long will she be dissapointed for?

Tell him he can find £300 for a spa and meal then and take her. CF. He’s just as bad.

Fully booked, I enquired in case I got my bonus and we could repeat last year, sadly I didn’t get one this year - fingers crossed for next year!

Tell your brother that he now has the opportunity to do something very lavish and must at least meet if not exceed your spend last year.

Tell your mum that you're a little surprised and hurt that she is only interested in spending time with you if it's something expensive and that while a big treat is not in your budget this year you had been looking forward to treating her to a home cooked meal or something similar. As others have said, you are not responsible for her mental health and do not have to comply with or enable this narrative she and your brother have constructed.