to gift mum Mother's Day gift she won't want

[brainsandgrains]

My mother is not in the best financial situation and never treats herself.

I am in quite a bad financial situation and she has no idea. I lost two clients due to budget cuts 7 months ago so monthly income went from £4.5k a month to £1.5k a month.

I am the breadwinner. We are dipping into savings every month and all spending that isn't essential has ground to a halt.

I don't want my mum to know this. The situation is too complex to explain why but this is really important to me.

Last year for mother's day I went all out. Her friend had died two months before, I got an unexpected £500. So I took her to a spa, then out to a three course meal and got her a giant bouquet. It cost a lot more than I was planning to pay as I didn't intend for it to be three course but I got carried away.

She has spoken about this all year.

I was a guest a panel last week and received the most lovely hamper as a thank you. It's from a social enterprise, it's full of sustainable products and is really really lovely, every product has an interesting story.

I was about to tuck into it myself but then I had the idea to regift it to mum but obviously she wouldn't know it was a regift.

But it's not the same as a £150 spa day and £150 dinner.

I looked up the brand online and I couldn't find the exact one so I think it was a build your own hamper and I guess around £50.

I wouldn't give her a gift I thought she wouldn't like.

If she wasn't comparing to last year it would have gone down really well. It's not that she would dislike the gift, just that she would be expecting more.

She messaged this morning saying how much she loved Mother's Day last year and how special it made her feel. I know this is a hint and I feel so rubbish.

I have to be careful with mum because if I do something like offer to cook her dinner she will say 'let's just go out to eat'.

AIBU to give her this gift?

Following this as I do emphasise with you. Also just me and my probably autistic brother who also works in IT. He has no sense of occasion. He has way more money than me and never sent a birthday or Mother’s Day card although isn’t mean and will happily step in and buy a new boiler/ TV if needed. So the onus is always on me.

I have had to say I can’t take her out this year. It was her birthday this week and I posted a card and a £20 M&S hamper and at the weekend will make a roast chicken and buy her a plant. The big difference is despite her probable disappointment she always says how happy she is with the plant/ chicken dinner etc. Think you are being a great daughter and hope your brother steps up this year. I think mine would but we’re not close enough for me to tell him to

My DH has had a massive brain tumour almost made him blind and h had surgery to remove it. It didn't make him entitled to expensive gifts from DC who cannot afford to give them.

I think you need to say to her that you would love to treat her but funds don’t allow it as lost a job/have less money

if your brother feels that way then he can pay for a spa weekend etx

YANBU

Your mum’s being v demanding, ungrateful and manipulative. If this is solely down to her injury, then there’s nothing you can do about that. So, you shouldn’t worry about the impact on her of you not meeting her demands. Or take her reaction personally.

Take her the hamper, maybe buy a few ‘spa’ items (face masks, pedicure kit etc) and some nice food/drinks and have a lovely ‘spa’ day together at home.

If she rejects all or any of it and continues to insist on a meal out, then simply say: “I can’t afford to do that every year. Last year was an extra-special treat”.

If she continues to say you’ve disappointed her, tell her gently that makes you sad as it comes across that spending time with (and your gift this year) isn’t good enough.

If she demands the link to the hamper, say there isn’t one as you didn’t get it online. But don’t say you bought it for her, as that’s a lie.

All you can do is offer your time, attention and what you can afford. The alternative is not bothering at all, because it’s to emotionally draining for you.

I think this is a really thoughtful response, which really takes into account the nuance required given the complexity of the situation. So, +1 to this, OP, and I wish you luck with it.

I think you're extending way too much emotional energy 'managing' your mother's emotions and reactions. I understand why you're doing it, but now it has backfired. I think the simple truth would be easier.

Can I add my tuppence?

I buried mum on Thursday . Totally out of the blue, we weren't expecting her to depart for at least another 20 years - she was 87

Our relationship was very very difficult , she lived with us the past 20 years and couldn't let go of being mother , so we clashed.

.
Ive started the horrible job of sorting out her persessions , its bloody hard , something I never expectected , as in I didnt expect it to be so emotional

Im faced with "stuff" me and sisters have bought her over the years, birthdays, christmas, mother days etc - all sat packed away, unloved, unwanted, never used

Mums are mums, they are difficult as we all age You did what you did that year because you could. This year you cant and this year you have a wee hamper - tell you something for nothing, my mum found a hamper of sweet treats much more to her liking and tastes - Ive just found she has a subscription with Hotel Chocolat , after finding 3 hampers of the stuff stashed

Mum was always happier with cards, flowers and chocolates then pressies and experiences in her older years.

She had had a great life, she just got lonely ( kids and grandkids scattered over the world ) so a phonecall was treasured , made her day

I have a good memory of her 80th, our grandkids were here for the weekend, so be booked a restaurant and had a birthday cake and Happy Birthday sung, she cried. Said it was the first time she had a cake for her birthday she hadn't made/bought

My mum, whilst we called her Mrs Bucket/Bouquet , was a lot more content with having contact with family as her world got smaller

Seriously??

her lovely mum has had a BRAIN INJURY, it's not a cold that gets better, it's a life changing event. She also has a trauma reaction to Mothers Day as well as Autism.

it changes people's personalities, their reactions, their social filters.

You'd distance yourself from your Mum in that situation???

Reply… oh I wish we could book it but I didn’t get my bonus this year so can’t go to that restaurant! Sorry. Come over and we can get a takeaway xx

Please tell me you two didn't read the OP's subsequent posts before writing your own.

@brainsandgrains I can't cope reading anymore posts from people who have NO understanding of how a brain injury affects people.

big hugs & lots of love & strength 💕💕

I hope you will take this reply in the spirit it is intended OP.

It will sound crazy to others, but I almost laughed out loud at this, not making the headlines and being disappointed. You mum sounds a lot like my own mother was. The difference being, my mother didn't have a brain injury to blame.

Mine also wasn't materialistic, in fact she would have (and did) yelled at me for spending that sort of money on her. This was what people would call a trauma response these days. Related to her experience growing up post the Great Depression, but before World War 2.

I think unless someone has had a parent like this, it's very hard to explain their behaviour to others. It's very hard to truly please them, because you never can be sure which way they will react to something, despite your best efforts.

My mother could be difficult and at times, abusive by any standards, but I know she did love me, in her own way and I loved her in my own way. Parents are just really tricky sometimes and it's hard for people who haven't had parents like this to understand. I hear you though.

I didn’t say it makes anyone entitled. Where did I say that. Read my post

Read them all thanks. I’m very familiar with brain injury. Did you not read my post??

Sorry, your mum got to 80 with no one else ever sorting out her birthday cake for her? Wow.

thank you everyone who has sent lovely messages my way, I'm going to bow out of this thread now and try and focus on more positive things

😍. Exactly!!

Please do. You must be distraught reading so many of these messages from people who have NO experience of brain injury & no willingness to learn!!

look after yourself 🌷🤗

@rainbowsandraspberrygin

i don't know what happened there, that wasn't the post it was supposed to quote! Definitely not one of yours 🤗😍

Thanks - I was confused!

Agree that’s bad

@brainsandgrains I was thinking about you yesterday; how did your day go?

Yes. I was also thinking about OP. Hope you’re ok.

it went fine, she loved the hamper and we did puzzles all day. thank you for thinking of me

....you were expecting your mother to live to "at least" 107???

Is that really all you can add?

What a totally nasty un called for post

I know that this site attracts the dredges of " society, but seriously? That's all you can come up with to someone who's mother hasn't been dead 2 weeks yet???

Pure scum !!!