to gift mum Mother's Day gift she won't want

[brainsandgrains]

My mother is not in the best financial situation and never treats herself.

I am in quite a bad financial situation and she has no idea. I lost two clients due to budget cuts 7 months ago so monthly income went from £4.5k a month to £1.5k a month.

I am the breadwinner. We are dipping into savings every month and all spending that isn't essential has ground to a halt.

I don't want my mum to know this. The situation is too complex to explain why but this is really important to me.

Last year for mother's day I went all out. Her friend had died two months before, I got an unexpected £500. So I took her to a spa, then out to a three course meal and got her a giant bouquet. It cost a lot more than I was planning to pay as I didn't intend for it to be three course but I got carried away.

She has spoken about this all year.

I was a guest a panel last week and received the most lovely hamper as a thank you. It's from a social enterprise, it's full of sustainable products and is really really lovely, every product has an interesting story.

I was about to tuck into it myself but then I had the idea to regift it to mum but obviously she wouldn't know it was a regift.

But it's not the same as a £150 spa day and £150 dinner.

I looked up the brand online and I couldn't find the exact one so I think it was a build your own hamper and I guess around £50.

I wouldn't give her a gift I thought she wouldn't like.

If she wasn't comparing to last year it would have gone down really well. It's not that she would dislike the gift, just that she would be expecting more.

She messaged this morning saying how much she loved Mother's Day last year and how special it made her feel. I know this is a hint and I feel so rubbish.

I have to be careful with mum because if I do something like offer to cook her dinner she will say 'let's just go out to eat'.

AIBU to give her this gift?

I think you should say ' I'm sorry mum, I had a lovely time last year but I can't afford to do it again next weekend as I haven't had a bonus this year. I'd love to have you round for a meal at ours instead. Shall I pick you up at 7?' It is quite presumptuous for her to assume you'll be treating her to an expensive meal again. Unless she plans to pay?

Hi mum, no will not be booking a table. Last year I paid for everything with an unexpected bonus. Sadly this year I didn't get one. Would you like to join us for Sunday dinner? Dh is doing roast beef/chicken/whatever whilst I put my feet up for once! We'll be eating at xpm.

@Thatsanotherfinemess1 I know but theres alot of context missing which is so hard to explain. She is VERY very sensitive to mother's day. It's hard to get across who my mum is without making her sound very odd. She is unusual but meeting her you would think she is very normal.

ok ill draft a variant of your message

@Thatsanotherfinemess1 great minds! X post

sent, ill keep you updated. I have a feeling this is about to go downhill

maybe say something like "I loved it too, but I always enjoy spending time the two of us, no matter what we do. If only I had the money/won the lottery I'd treat you like that every mother's day! Sorry this year won't be as fancy, but I'm sure we'll still have a lovely time, how about...."

If you think your financial situation might change again in the future maybe add something like "Maybe we can do another big celebration/go there again every 10 years/on your 70th (or next 'big' birthday)" just to hammer home the point that it won't be happening this year. But if you're not sure what will happen financially obviously don't!

Please don't feel at all guilty, a £50 hamper is a lot more than anyone I know spends on their mothers! (or their mothers would want them to spend on them).

Gosh OP, how awkward after you made yourself quite clear in your first message.

When you say it's about to go downhill, what do you mean? How do you expect her to react to this?

If last year was a one off, then objectively she’s being unreasonable to expect that every year from now on. I get your point that “With the way she reacts to situations, especially money ones, my life is also a lot easier with her not knowing” nevertheless please hold onto the thought that her expectations are unreasonable.

With that firmly in mind, could you say something along the lines that have already been suggested? Perhaps emphasising that you’d love to be able to treat her, but just can’t manage that. But that you’re looking forward to a special Mother’s Day together and if she has any suggestions of things she’d like you to do for her, then to please let you know.

Based on what’s happening in the world right now can you say that whilst a meal would be lovely, you’re concerned about impending interest rate increases and further COL increases so want to reduce spending?

If you really can’t eat out then tell her it’s fully booked as are a couple of others so you’ll do something at your house.

Could you do a traditional afternoon tea at your house? Sorry, I don’t know if this would be in your current budget so is just an idea as they always seem quite special (there’s something about scones, cream and jam that feel indulgent to me).

Sounds like a difficult situation. I would be upfront and explain that you can't afford the same as last year but that you'd love to cook her lunch (or whatever). You have the patience of a saint.

shes very hard to explain. To start with she is very sensitive to feeling unloved and abandoned. For some reason the level of appreciation she gets on mother's day lasts the whole year. For my birthday she will spend a week crocheting me lots of things for me, make me a cake, write me a poem, and then spend a fortune she doesnt have on something I dont want. Because she wants me to feel loved. She doesn't expect this on her birthday but does for mother's day. Because I don't have the time to do these things for her she sees money as a subsitute, I think. so without the money being spent or days on crafts it means I don't really care.

Its a trauma response

She isn't like this for other things.

"I can't afford to treat you to a meal there at the moment, can I take you for a coffee at (insert cafe name)?" or "Come to ours and I'll cook us all a lovely dinner" or "I can't do the evening on mother's day but let's go for a walk at (insert lovely local walk) and I'll get us lunch at (insert a cafe you know you can afford)"

Can you take her for dinner and maybe do up the gift basket a bit. Even if she is "dissapointed" there isn't much you can do.

I read on, you sound really sensitive to her needs i hope it works out. It is ok not to lavish her with gifts, even if she has these issues.i would say oh i have heard xxx reasturant is nicer will we try it, then suggest somewhere you can afford.

here it is......

Ive been telling people all week how lovely last year was so hearing you suddenly say we're not doing anything special is upsetting. it's just one time a year. I feel embarrassed now telling people how lovely my daughter is and how she always treats me when you just didnt really make an effort. it's just one time a year and I have been looking forward to it all year. I never get to do anything nice and you do lots of nice things. Why would you not want to treat your mother?

no idea who shes referring to as she has no friends

She has very fragile mental health so I need to be careful

I really think you need to very bluntly say I cannot afford it - the money is not there. I am really sad you think my efforts within my budget are not enough and that only material presents are good enough. It makes me feel unloved and rejected.

She needs to be told OP. This emotional blackmail is not on.

Jesus, what a mean message from your mum.

I'd just keep the reply short and to the point say something like "I'm really sorry to disappoint you mum but last year was a special treat that I was glad to give you due to an unexpected bonus from work. It was very expensive, I just don't have that money available this year. As I said, I have got you a gift and am looking forward to spending the day with you."

It's not like you've done it every year until now so I don't really get why it's such an issue for her. What have you done for Mother's Day prior to last year?

That is such a horrible response from her. I think you might have to be blunt and explain you don’t have the money.

She really sent that?! Jeez, that's absolutely awful, ungrateful, nasty woman

The thing is that even if she has reasons to behave the way she is, that’s not the same as excusing it, and it doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it or pander to it. It’s very easy for me to advise when it’s not my mother or my relationship but would being clear and blunt help? She’s not going to be happy unless you take her to the restaurant which you can’t do, so just acknowledging it’s a shame and refusing to be drawn in more might protect you more. I certainly wouldn’t spend any more time justifying yourself. You’ve explained why she can’t have the meal, got her a nice gift and it’s up to her how she reacts to that.

Jesus - I thought my mother’s emotional manipulation was bad but yours has gone and taken the crown.

What would happen if you were frank with her about your current financials? Can you not question her on why quality time spent together is not enough? I’m at a loss what else you can do to be honest. You either pander to her and spend money you don’t have on Mother’s Day to keep the peace or you’re going to have to set some boundaries. Poor mental health is not an excuse for this by the way, she needs to work on that herself.

It seems like you are looking for a way to not spend money and also have your mother be equally happy. I think if that existed you would already have thought of it.
So either you will have to disappoint her, or sell something to be able to afford the spa and meal. It doesn't seem like there's anything in between, unless you can think of something she would percieve as expensive but is cheap or free. It doesn't sound like she would value a sentimental item or a bunch of daffodils.

I agree. Now is the time to tell her that your income has dropped and you're living off savings that are in danger of running out.

No matter her struggles in life, you shouldn't have to protect her from the realities of your situation because of how she is.

Gosh that’s horrible. You’re going to have to tell her you don’t have the money op. If you don’t she’ll think you’re randomly deciding not to treat her and it’ll be more hurtful.

can’t you just explain that your income has drastically reduced and you just can’t afford it? I would be tempted to reply that you’re also a bit upset that spending time together and having a lovely gift isn’t enough.

I would write back.

'Sorry you feel that way. I also wish we could do it again too but I can't afford to do that every year sadly. It was meant to be an extra special treat given I know last year was a really hard time. To be honest things have been a bit tight so I've had to cut back on lots of things.

I was thinking I would make a roast (or favourite meal) and we could go for a lovely walk to X. I know it's not the same as last year but I've got you a pressie too which I hope you'll like.'