to gift mum Mother's Day gift she won't want

[brainsandgrains]

My mother is not in the best financial situation and never treats herself.

I am in quite a bad financial situation and she has no idea. I lost two clients due to budget cuts 7 months ago so monthly income went from £4.5k a month to £1.5k a month.

I am the breadwinner. We are dipping into savings every month and all spending that isn't essential has ground to a halt.

I don't want my mum to know this. The situation is too complex to explain why but this is really important to me.

Last year for mother's day I went all out. Her friend had died two months before, I got an unexpected £500. So I took her to a spa, then out to a three course meal and got her a giant bouquet. It cost a lot more than I was planning to pay as I didn't intend for it to be three course but I got carried away.

She has spoken about this all year.

I was a guest a panel last week and received the most lovely hamper as a thank you. It's from a social enterprise, it's full of sustainable products and is really really lovely, every product has an interesting story.

I was about to tuck into it myself but then I had the idea to regift it to mum but obviously she wouldn't know it was a regift.

But it's not the same as a £150 spa day and £150 dinner.

I looked up the brand online and I couldn't find the exact one so I think it was a build your own hamper and I guess around £50.

I wouldn't give her a gift I thought she wouldn't like.

If she wasn't comparing to last year it would have gone down really well. It's not that she would dislike the gift, just that she would be expecting more.

She messaged this morning saying how much she loved Mother's Day last year and how special it made her feel. I know this is a hint and I feel so rubbish.

I have to be careful with mum because if I do something like offer to cook her dinner she will say 'let's just go out to eat'.

AIBU to give her this gift?

Hi Mum,

I don't have a link for you. You will see it when I bring it on Sunday. It's something I think you will enjoy and appreciate.

I can't manage XXX this year for dinner, maybe ask brother instead if it's somewhere you have your heart set on. alternatively we can do xxx as planned.

Wow! She now wants a link to the hamper to see how much it cost?? She really is the gift that keeps on giving.😡

I would message her back and say there is no link as you put everything together yourself which you hoped she would appreciate as more personal.

Stop explaining and justifying yourself.

Stop bigging up the sodding hamper.

Don't tell her it will ruin the surprise

Don't tell her it's custom and you carefully selected each individual blade of straw the artisanal food is packed in.

Wait untill this evening and reply "no"

OP< please don't let her continue to make you unhappy by playing this game with her.

Ignore her requests and demands. To be honest, I'm with those who say you should not give her thr gift now, because it won't be good enough and you'll end up miserable if you give her that or nothing.

Me? I'd be saying "Look, nothing I do is going to please you, so I'm out of this conversation. Let me know if you decide to be a grown up and want to treat me with decency."

Are you able to ask her why she wants the link or would this be too much of a challenge/ confrontation for her?

You sound amazing BTW but I don’t think you’ll come out of this well. No good deed goes unpunished as the saying goes. Wishing you much luck.

Here's the part I have been missing out slightly because it's revealing but I doubt anyone I know has searched as far down this thread as this. She wasn't always like this, she had a brain injury and it changed her personality. You wouldn't guess meeting her she appears normal. Before, she was always autistic, very generous, very sweet and gentle, but after the brain injury she became very unreasonable, unpredictable, manipulative and dramatic. I know it's not all her fault. But I am very concerned for her. The doctors have done what they can. It's been 7 years and shes stayed consistent.

The worse case scenario, the last time we really fell out, she wrote a note and left. Went camping for a week. The note read by me would suggest that she intended to harm herself, but read by a police office means that she's voluntarily going on a surprise holiday to an undisclosed location and therefore isn't a missing person. She came back disappointed she didn't make headline news on the daily mail and there wasn't search parties out looking for her.

Oh my hod she’s awful

your mother sounds like a spoilt petulant child. I’d be more than happy with. £50 bouquet or anything small you’d want to give me. Don’t be such a snob

The more I read about your mum, the more manipulative and cruel she becomes. I really feel for you.

It's interesting how your brother is joining in and yet there's never any mention of what he does for her. I can't imagine he does anything. You would be told about it in great detail if he did.

"Ask Brother to take you" or "Ask Brother to buy you that" would be my answer to everything from now on.

I think you will just have to say "Last year was a one off because I had an unexpected bonus. I won't be getting another one again so I won't be able to spend money like that from now on."

Honestly, even if your business profits doubled I wouldn't be spending money on her.

"Mum, last year was a one off. I had the funds to do it and wanted to spoil you. Unfortunately I can't do that every year. What I have bought you this year is a gift that's been chosen with love and I hope you like it. It's incredibly upsetting for me to think that my gift won't be good enough for you purely because last year I was in a position to treat you with something more expensive."

Although, having had to deal with this myself, I can say that eventually I got to the point of "I don't want to make you unhappy with something that's not up to your required standard so I've decided to save you the misery and therefore there will be no more gifts." But I also ended up going NC I'm afraid.

What ongoing medical involvement is there for her mental health? If she's a danger to herself, what's the plan? You can't carry on like this until she dies. She clearly needs treatment.

Ah OP that sounds unspeakably tough - and more understandable that you are taking the approach you have. And presumably it changes things in terms of how easy it would be for her to change her behaviour (if indeed it is "her" behaviour, IYSWIM). No wisdom from me I'm afraid but and I'm glad the chocolate was delicious.

Oh come on now. Pffft.

Honestly you are not responsible for your mums unattainable happiness. Concentrate on your own household, you deserve better. X

It isn't her fault, but nor is it yours and you shouldn't have to deal with this sort of response to a lovely gift. It may not be the spa but it is really kind of you to give up your hamper this year which I assume would have been a nice treat for you when things are difficult financially.

I wouldn't send her the link, just say no. You don't need to keep giving explanations when she doesn't seem to be understanding or accepting them in any event.

The only reason I can see why she'd need a link to the hamper is if there's anything she's likely to be allergic to, or possibly if she's considering buying a bottle of something and wants to check she won't duplicate. But now you mention the head injury, I guess you just have to accept this, presumably you have tried all you can to get medical guidance (not the same, but I've dealt with family with dementia and can see some similarities with your situation). I know it's easy to say, but you're doing your best in a difficult situation, and sadly we can't change things. You're doing a lot more than many adult children do.

People really ought to read @brainsandgrains latest update .

It must be very difficult for you , it should have been mentioned before . 💐

Gosh that's difficult.

Choices.

Go back to your brother and tell him that you gave your mum an enormous treat last year due to a one off financial windfall which you spent on her. You can't repeat it and you simply don't have the funds so stop hassling you. Perhaps he'd like to treat her this year - she'd like a spa day and a weekend in a 5 star hotel or whatever. Watch him make his excuses or step up and be goldenballs this year.

"I don't have the money this year Mum. I'm sorry you are disappointed with my gift". On repeat. No more details or discussion. If she keeps going on about it, then just leave. You don't have to be her whipping boy, brain injury or no brain injury.

Also she's behaving like this because she's unwell, fine. People with narcissistic personality disorders are also unwell and it's perfectly reasonable to establish boundaries, go low contact or no contact with them. What's the difference here?

One person's illness is not a reason to roll over in the face of their tantrums. Loosing who your mum was must be awful. But grieve that loss and have a relationship with this new version of her which is emotionally safe for you. You can't hold the responsibility of her not killing herself. It's too much for anyone

It's getting ridiculous, it's mothers day not a special birthday or anything.
She's starting to sound a bit grabby boasting about what she got last year and being disappointed and wanting a posh meal out as well as a present and wanting to see what it cost.
I'd be mad if my kids went into debt to get me anything for birthday/mothers/christmas day. Card and flowers and spending time have a tea or coffee is usual for mother's day and a meal out is a nice touch.

I think it amazing the differences people can get from the same message. Prepared for this to be different with subsequent updates but nothing in the o.p suggested horrible to me. It suggested she had a great time last year and was still glowing about it.

As for the "let's go out for dinner" well that is consistent with the fact the o.p was earing 3 times as much so probably had a different lifestyle.

As I say much more to it I am sure but interesting the differing ways we all can come at a situation

No wise words op, but just wanted to say that you sound like a lovely daughter - and a very thoughtful person.

You know that this isn't your mum talking, it's her brain injury. You know that you have done all that you can. Deep breath, and look after yourself.

I hope that she likes the hamper and is able to come to dinner. If she does and if you have the chance, prompt her to tell her 'friends' (the lady at the supermarket checkout?) that she has had a lovely hamper plus a special dinner cooked for her by her daughter. Give her the words to say, and repeat them if possible. They may just bed in, and give her a way forward. If she won't come to dinner, or won't respond, then you really have done all that you can, and more. . .

@brainsandgrains
Does your mother live independently? I've read your updates about her condition and tbh it sounds like her reasoning capacity is very off. A BJ coupled with autism must make her life very difficult so I would presume she is living in shared accommodation or a care facility?