to gift mum Mother's Day gift she won't want

[brainsandgrains]

My mother is not in the best financial situation and never treats herself.

I am in quite a bad financial situation and she has no idea. I lost two clients due to budget cuts 7 months ago so monthly income went from £4.5k a month to £1.5k a month.

I am the breadwinner. We are dipping into savings every month and all spending that isn't essential has ground to a halt.

I don't want my mum to know this. The situation is too complex to explain why but this is really important to me.

Last year for mother's day I went all out. Her friend had died two months before, I got an unexpected £500. So I took her to a spa, then out to a three course meal and got her a giant bouquet. It cost a lot more than I was planning to pay as I didn't intend for it to be three course but I got carried away.

She has spoken about this all year.

I was a guest a panel last week and received the most lovely hamper as a thank you. It's from a social enterprise, it's full of sustainable products and is really really lovely, every product has an interesting story.

I was about to tuck into it myself but then I had the idea to regift it to mum but obviously she wouldn't know it was a regift.

But it's not the same as a £150 spa day and £150 dinner.

I looked up the brand online and I couldn't find the exact one so I think it was a build your own hamper and I guess around £50.

I wouldn't give her a gift I thought she wouldn't like.

If she wasn't comparing to last year it would have gone down really well. It's not that she would dislike the gift, just that she would be expecting more.

She messaged this morning saying how much she loved Mother's Day last year and how special it made her feel. I know this is a hint and I feel so rubbish.

I have to be careful with mum because if I do something like offer to cook her dinner she will say 'let's just go out to eat'.

AIBU to give her this gift?

I'm sorry, OP. Not fair that this is happening to you. But you know there is no pleasing your mother. As for your brother, he could step up if he wanted.

Fucking hell. I couldn’t deal with this level of bullshit. You need explain things to her clearly and then leave it - you cannot go on tiptoeing around. She needs some help.

Oh OP this sounds so tough to navigate!
I have a tricky mum too so I can relate a wee bit.

Don't send her a web link, tell her you bought it at a trade event/gift market/etc.

Does she have any support like a mental health support worker? Or disability social worker?

Have you had any counselling about your dynamic with your mum? Definitely ignore your brother.

This. No point in rewriting perfection!!

Just another voice saying don’t send her a link, brain injury and autism aside, it’s a gift, she doesn’t need to know the cost, and she’ll find out on the day what’s in the hamper. I’d be tempted to say that to her. In fact I’d also be tempted to say if she doesn’t like the idea of it, to please let you know as it’s nice and you’re happy to keep it for yourself I’d she doesn’t want it.

I appreciate a treat as much as the next person but I’d feel terribly guilty if my children spent a large sum of money on me for Mother’s Day. It really is enough to spend the time and a few kind words.

Do not send a link

"Mum,I've made this hamper for you this year, choosing carefully thought out gifts that you'd like. It would really upset me if you didn't appreciate it. It's taken me ages to choose it all". Or something like that, although how she's been acting,I would just give her a card tbh.

This, if she is still waiting expecting the level of gift again and she doesn’t have insight into what you are saying she really shouldn’t be living unsupervised.
so either she lacks capacity or she is manipulative and quite cruel regarding her behaviour towards you.

Oh gosh I feel for you. The reactions of somebody with an ABI can be so difficult to navigate. If she's also ND then who knows how her brain is now wired.
Your brother sounds a delight.

I think you need to be honest with her. You don't need to say you are broke but that you have had a couple of unexpected financial expenses and this year is difficult and money doesn't equal love. Repeat and repeat.

So what do you usually do with her Op?

I'd be tempted to say that the gift you intended had been cancelled & do flowers & a card.

It sounds difficult all round but I think you need to spell it out. I got a bonus last year. I can’t afford to pay for a meal at x restaurant this year, my income has really dropped and no bonus.

Op I’m sorry. You sound lovely. I don’t know how you cope with the anxiety this must cause you xx

This is very sad both for you and her. It sounds like a profound change.

What if you told her to suggest that restaurant booking to your brother?

You know whatever you say isn’t going to make someone this insecure happy for long. If you buy her a diamond ring she will want a bigger one next year. It’s an unfillable hole in her psyche.

So protect yourself by stating firmly and clearly the same message. ‘Yes mum, it’s a pity we can’t push the boat out so far this year but my gift comes with just as much love. See you on Sunday.’

Then pop her on mute for a while. You have to look after yourself or you’ll lose any kind of love for her. I think you do have to have some experience of dealing with someone with and ABI to understand how hard it can be. You sound wonderful 💕

Also... I would ask her what she used to do for her mother for Mother's Day

I’m sorry @brainsandgrains but from all I’ve read here, I can’t see that this situation is going to result in happiness for both you and your mum. Not if she is only able to perceive gifts by their financial worth, and if you are going to be upset by her reaction. Easier said than done but you probably need to try to back off emotionally so that you don’t let her negative comments upset you. It seems like your mum is already offended so try not to get yourself too upset as well, knowing that it’s her condition making her respond this way towards you.

OP you sound so incredibly kind.

It is possible that as mother's day is coming up she wanted to message to say thank you again for last year to acknowledge your effort , but I disagree that means she expects the same or will be disappointed with less money spent.

If I was a parent, the best gift I could receive would be honesty from my children of what us going on for them.

Hope you can find a way forward OP, and I hope things look up for you very soon x

Take the present around on Saturday when you normally visit. Do your puzzle enjoy your walk and be together.

my suggestion for Sunday would be that you either invite mum to your house for a cup of tea and slice of cake , get a take way like fish and chip and have it at yours or hers if she prefers that or go out in the car and take a picnic. Make all of this clear on Saturday and ask her which she wants to do.

Explain that you had more money last year from a bonus.

if she decides to do none of the above with you and disappear for a week again that would be her choice.

No she's not, she's an autistic person who has had a serious brain injury.

Sorry OP I've just read your other updates and my post above is clearly way off. I'm really sorry your mum isn't able to acknowledge your feelings or your kindness.

I'm very glad you ate the chocolate.

Before I read this part, I was going to tell you to go NC and make a comparison to my own Mum who never wants money spent on her, but now I see with her disability it’s not really her fault.

How incredibly difficult for you, I’m very sorry

if my daughter put half as much thought into any gift for me as you are for your mum, OP, I would be so happy and proud. x

I completely understand your dilemma with your mum. It’s very hard to deal with someone with serious brain disturbances of any kind.

However you also have to consider yourself and your own family in this situation. I think I would definitely push back on your brother and tell him he needs to step up this year and suggest he takes her to the restaurant as you are simply not in a position to do this.

As for your mum I think I would treat her like a small child who you can’t reason with but you just have to set boundaries for: mum as I keep saying I would love to treat you like last year but I simply can’t afftord it. I have got you a lovely hamper. I have suggested to [brother] that he takes you to the nice restaurant this year. I hope you will be happy with that but that’s all I can do.

Meanwhile try and drop the guilt. You sound like a lovely daughter who does her absolute best to keep everyone happy. You feeling bad about something you aren’t responsible for is a waste of your time and energy.

It's not her fault, but equally it's not Op's.

Op is doing what she can.

Will MD always be a disappointment now & compared unfavourably to last year?

He needs to be told about himslf doesn't he?? Prick.
Just give her the hamper and get some flowers and a card.