to gift mum Mother's Day gift she won't want

[brainsandgrains]

My mother is not in the best financial situation and never treats herself.

I am in quite a bad financial situation and she has no idea. I lost two clients due to budget cuts 7 months ago so monthly income went from £4.5k a month to £1.5k a month.

I am the breadwinner. We are dipping into savings every month and all spending that isn't essential has ground to a halt.

I don't want my mum to know this. The situation is too complex to explain why but this is really important to me.

Last year for mother's day I went all out. Her friend had died two months before, I got an unexpected £500. So I took her to a spa, then out to a three course meal and got her a giant bouquet. It cost a lot more than I was planning to pay as I didn't intend for it to be three course but I got carried away.

She has spoken about this all year.

I was a guest a panel last week and received the most lovely hamper as a thank you. It's from a social enterprise, it's full of sustainable products and is really really lovely, every product has an interesting story.

I was about to tuck into it myself but then I had the idea to regift it to mum but obviously she wouldn't know it was a regift.

But it's not the same as a £150 spa day and £150 dinner.

I looked up the brand online and I couldn't find the exact one so I think it was a build your own hamper and I guess around £50.

I wouldn't give her a gift I thought she wouldn't like.

If she wasn't comparing to last year it would have gone down really well. It's not that she would dislike the gift, just that she would be expecting more.

She messaged this morning saying how much she loved Mother's Day last year and how special it made her feel. I know this is a hint and I feel so rubbish.

I have to be careful with mum because if I do something like offer to cook her dinner she will say 'let's just go out to eat'.

AIBU to give her this gift?

Ask her why she wants the link, then she will have to explain. This retort always works to deflect a question you shouldn't have to answer

You need to stop making excuses for her and stop allowing her to manipulate you.

I know its hard but try to take a step back and really look at what's actually happening here.

Tell her you are struggling and dont have money.

Ignore her attempts to manipulate you.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this situation. Could you add/swap a few items of the hamper to facemasks etc to link in to the spa experience but so she can treat herself throughout the year. Would this soften the change. It sounds a very difficult situation

Tell her there isnt a link as the things are hand picked for the hamper.

Would suggestion of a cream tea at her house please her? You could get some local scones, cream and jam and pop them in a fancy box

If you need to say about money. Just tell her you had unexpected bill come up

This. DH provides a lot of emotional support for his very childish mother who likely has undiagnosed neuro divergence, who also has weird attitudes to money but thankfully not entitled. It's very draining on our family tbh and he is not responsible for this grown adult woman's mental health. She also has 4 other children who provide fuck all support

You must know that there is no way she is expecting expensive spa days and meals and giant bouquets from your brother.

She is putting all the burden on you, the daughter. She will tell herself that sons are not good at this sort of thing and have zero expectation of him.

She's unbelievable. I'd give the hamper to a stranger in the street before I gave it to her now.

OP, you sound really thoughtful and kind and generous - both in terms of material things, and making allowances for your mum's behaviour.

Now you need to do that for yourself, by accepting: you can't afford to treat her; you can't make her better; it's not your duty to deprive your family to make her happy.

This is not your problem to solve.

Offer something nice, use any one of the VG responses already given here, think of her behaviour as a symptom by all means - but keep in mind you won't cure it, even if you do spend the money.

And finish the raspberry chocolate, you deserve it 🍫

@brainsandgrains

Love, your biggest mistake is posting in AIBU.

Your Mum has Autism & a serious brain injury. Unless people have experience of someone they love having a serious brain injury, they have no concept of life afterwards.

my advice at this point is to hide the thread & don't come back to it, it won't help in YOUR. situation.

Sadly I have experience with brain injury with my Godson, who I helped to raise. He had a life changing brain injury in a car accident when he was 14. He was lucky in that being 14 some of his neural pathways were able to be rerouted as they were still developing. However his life was changed immeasurably.

(he's as blunt as your mum 🙇🏻‍♀️🙇🏻‍♀️)

Looking from the outside in & with hindsight, (always much easier!!) I wouldn't have done that last Mothers Day, I'd have kept it more 'low key' & randomly treated her to the more extravagant things at other times, so as not to set up this expectation. But as I said hindsight & you are where you are now...🙇🏻‍♀️

because of the trauma response she's suffering from & MD being what her focus is (not birthday, Christmas, Easter...etc) I'd find a way to make it as special as I possibly could, even if it meant using a credit card (if at all possible). I'd probably take more ordinary flowers (I spent £10 at Waitrose for a big bunch of pink carnations (I love them!!) & £5 for a bunch of white fresias & they are well into their third!(!!) week of-looking amazing & to a/the restaurant.

id be prepared to do a lot /go without a lot to afford it. BUT if it's still unaffordable for you (as it would have been for me at times & may well be in the future due to my own health & disability issues) then you just do your best & it will be what it is. Maybe take a lovely lunch over & a cake etc, bunch of daffodils (£1 Tesco) they're lovely.

You won't get the warm fuzzies of her praising you & going on about how wonderful it was & you are this year & you're likely to get told how sad she felt that you don't think she's 'worthy' or whatever. But unfortunately you just have to develop a tough skin against it. It's bloody hard though.

Do your best YOU are enough!!💕

I hope the contracts pick up for you & financially things improve.

Eat the rest of the chocolate! She won't kniw & you deserve it!! 💕

I spent about forty years living my life to please my mother and it's a mugs game. I would reply but I would just say, I'm sure we will have a lovely day, see you on Sunday. To quote an absolute cliche, she isn't going to change, all you can change is your response to her

OP that is so hard. I am really sorry to hear about your mum’s brain injury.

All you can do is remind yourself that this is not her talking. It sounds like underneath all that is your mum as she used to be, saying “I loved last year, it made me really happy an I had thought about it often.”

But because of her brain injury she says the quiet part out loud, the momentary uncharitable thought that comes with the disappointment of realising it’s not happening again, which neurotypical people realise is rude and ungrateful and irrational and don’t say.

I know it doesn’t make it any easier to hear those things. All you can do as PP have said is try to give yourself some distance and put the same thing on repeat as you would for a child: “sorry mum, it’s not happening this year as no bonus.” Wishing you the best.

@brainsandgrains just send a message back to your brother saying I’m doing the best that I can do why don’t you take her out for the day and to XXX restaurant , it is Mother’s Day and she is as much your mother as she is mine .

None of those things mean that they have to be pandered to. Autistic people can still be utter cockwombles, and people don’t have to tolerate it. It is ok to point out unacceptable behaviour and say No. I have huge numbers of ND students in my job, we still expect them to treat each other well and we tell them when their behaviour isn’t on. It’s not a free pass to be a complete knobhead.

Yes people with BRAIN INJURIES often need help navigating life afterwards. They aren't just unwell for a bit then get better.their brains are damaged FOREVER, in lots of different ways.

& you don't stop loving them despite it being ever so bloody difficult.

Autism is one thing A brain injury is quite another.

This is such good advice. I'm sorry you're dealing with so much OP.

OP, you have too much on your shoulders. You cannot, and you are not, responsible for the mental health and actions of your mum and brother. Nothing you do will ever be enough. You will always be the one to blame when things don't go as wanted by them.

Sometimes, opportunities present themselves to rip the plaster off no matter how painful. I think now is the time because your mum is already starting drama.

"Mum, I'm not able to do the same for you as last year. I will come round at X time to drop something off as I won't be able to stay."
Then drop off the basket and a card.
Block your brother and do not reply to any dramatic messages from your mum.

I read your update and think you are doing the best you can in a very difficult situation. I wouldn't send her a link but would say mum I'm not sending a link because this is a gift and a surprise for you. I have no experience of people with brain injuries but what you describe sounds very difficult to navigate. I don't think you have any option other than to calmly keep saying the same thing. I'm looking forward to seeing you and spending the day together.

My Dh did this for late Mil i got on fine with her but she was emotionally manipulative and immature, her MH was in bits and her other children moved out of the country, anyway just wanted to show some support it is exhausting.

I obviously don’t know your mum but every year my mum tells me to spend my money on myself/my DD and not to bother with a pressie or just get her something small. Same with my dad. I usually get her flowers and chocs or something and she’s delighted. Money is tighter now than it used to be and before I might buy something else but she absolutely wouldn’t expect it.

I would message your brother, tell him you can't afford to take her to the expensive restaurant but to let mum know what time he will be taking her as you know she's free that evening. You don't need to tell your mother the circumstances but you do need to be straight with her that you can't afford that restaurant at the moment. Don't let them browbeat you into spending money you don't have out of guilt. You spend a lot of time with her and she should appreciate what a good daughter you are consistently throughout the year. She is being very unfair and unreasonable.

Tell both you have lost client and your incomes has taken a massive hit. Do they want you to sell your kidney to make her day amazing? I hate it when parents use one child to pressure other. It’s so selfish.

Rarely do I read posts and think fuck me, but this is one of them!
Your mums responses are shockingly rude, I understand the litany of excuses you’ve made for her behaviour.
You cannot spend your life pandering to her, firstly txt your brother and tell him you can’t afford it and he can cover costs and secondly tell your mum you haven’t got the cash.

You need to distance yourself from your mum for the sake of your own mental wellbeing.

Give her the hamper. If that’s not enough for her then her attitude to “ gifts” is all wrong. explain nothing. Just hand it over and I’m sure, thinking as a mum myself, she would be very grateful. Next year will be easier as her expectations will be much less.