to gift mum Mother's Day gift she won't want

[brainsandgrains]

My mother is not in the best financial situation and never treats herself.

I am in quite a bad financial situation and she has no idea. I lost two clients due to budget cuts 7 months ago so monthly income went from £4.5k a month to £1.5k a month.

I am the breadwinner. We are dipping into savings every month and all spending that isn't essential has ground to a halt.

I don't want my mum to know this. The situation is too complex to explain why but this is really important to me.

Last year for mother's day I went all out. Her friend had died two months before, I got an unexpected £500. So I took her to a spa, then out to a three course meal and got her a giant bouquet. It cost a lot more than I was planning to pay as I didn't intend for it to be three course but I got carried away.

She has spoken about this all year.

I was a guest a panel last week and received the most lovely hamper as a thank you. It's from a social enterprise, it's full of sustainable products and is really really lovely, every product has an interesting story.

I was about to tuck into it myself but then I had the idea to regift it to mum but obviously she wouldn't know it was a regift.

But it's not the same as a £150 spa day and £150 dinner.

I looked up the brand online and I couldn't find the exact one so I think it was a build your own hamper and I guess around £50.

I wouldn't give her a gift I thought she wouldn't like.

If she wasn't comparing to last year it would have gone down really well. It's not that she would dislike the gift, just that she would be expecting more.

She messaged this morning saying how much she loved Mother's Day last year and how special it made her feel. I know this is a hint and I feel so rubbish.

I have to be careful with mum because if I do something like offer to cook her dinner she will say 'let's just go out to eat'.

AIBU to give her this gift?

Your mother is a nightmare. Stop pandering to her. She is taking the piss. The hamper is a very generous gift. Do you have children? And if so would you treat them this way? My son asked what I want for Mother’s Day and I said a hug and a nice photo of him. Good mothers don’t make unreasonable demands
💐 sorry

I don't think anything will be good enough if she has this brain injury then there will be no pleasing her, it must be so stressful and your brother is no help.

No I get it, @3luckystars — kind of the bigger the present, the more you love her.
That’s me.
Only there came a time when I couldn’t afford a single £pound and there wasn’t a single solitary thing I could do about it.
So my 2 siblings got her very elaborate gifts and I scrounged around for enough money for a card.
Then I took it with me and *spent the day with my darling, amazing, funny, sweet, kind and still-beautiful mum.
I was the only child who spent any time with Mum at all - ever.
She cried when she hugged me she was so happy.
”Don’t cry - this is happy time!!”

I only made her cry when it should’ve made her happy. Well, she WAS happy - or maybe I should say grateful that at least one of her children showed up.
ugh such a low bar

Just wanted to say I'm really sorry you're going through this. You sound lovely - but damaged by your upbringing? It sounds as though your relationship was pretty tricky before the injury.

I think that, since you've already 'upset' her, now would be a good time to get things onto some kind of sustainable footing.

Tell her that money is much tighter than it was for now - make it sound like that will change very soon - and that you've gone without in order to buy her the best that you can because you know these things matter more to her than many people and you want her to feel valued and loved. Then just keep extending the for now indefinitely.

Then text your brother 'so what have you done for M's day the last ten years bruv? And what are you doing to make her happy this year?'. Arsehole.

If she can't understand that, you will have to resolve to bear her displeasure. Tell yourself that is all it is - an emotion. It's not a reflection on who you actually are or what you've actually done. It doesn't actually change you in any way. It's good to experience that and survive, as it makes it much easier to put in healthier boundaries going forward.

Give your mum your time, spend the day with her. Possibly that’s what she liked best about last year x

Just because someone has mental health issues, doesn't mean they can't be manipulative and selfish. I'm afraid your mother has taken you hostage. If she can orchestrate a verbal assault by your brother, she can handle some home truths about your situation. I sometimes deal with people with learning difficulties/mental health issues and most would not behave like this.

I wouldn't worry.....ive got my mum some "Always" "Discreet Boutique" because she's too proud to try them!

@Loobyloolovesandypandy
her mother has clearly said she wants the big day and not a smaller gift, RTFT

I'd like to caveat my above response to NRTFT..... there is obviously something I need to read so apologies!

Obviously it's not easy dealing with ND and brain injury, her rationality and empathy seems limited but you can't be taken advantage of like that. What a shame that your loving generosity last year is now being used to bash you over the head! I suspect the hamper won't be received gratefully now no matter how nice it is as it will be deemed below the financial value she equates to the love you should demonstrate. What sort of gifts/things did you do for Mother's Day before last year's big spend?

Just say I didn't buy it online so no link to send.

I’m a single mum to an autistic daughter, I won’t be getting anything for Mother’s Day but I have bought some scones and we will make a pot of tea and chat/eat together. The best Mother’s Day I had was when she was a baby and I bought myself a book I really wanted and some chocolates, sat with her asleep on my reading and eating!
Thats what Mother’s Day is about, not spending hundreds of pounds. I’m sorry your mum is this way.

I have to agreee with this @brainsandgrains I cannot believe your mam AND brothers reactions & remarks, eat all the chocolate & in fact the whole bloody hamper which sounds lovely btw

My mam was an alcoholic since I was pretty young & believe me I am not making any comparisons between addiction to a brain injury or even your brotheres Autistic diagnosis but what I am familiar with is the selfishness of my mam who would expect her bad & incredibly hurtful behaviour to be excused & always put down to "well you know I was drunk *shrug" & also by my sister & aunties as "well you know know poor mam she has her demons" so never any accountability so inevitibly I was made to feel like the bad guy & guilty, even as a teen, that's the comparison I'm making

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this, another reason I hate made up celebration days 💐

Oh yes! This could be true.

YANBU. I would much prefer my DC to give he something they could afford. In fact, if I knew it was difficult for them, I'd rather they gave me nothing.

Most Mums would be happy with a bunch of flowers and a hug.

In fairness, most mums don't have any acquired brain injury either though

“Mum, I love you loads and you mean the world to me. I’ve bought you this hamper because I thought you’d love the pieces in it, chosen with care and love. I look forward to you opening it and hopefully we can have a lovely day together”.

If she keep on asking for links etc, keep ignoring and changing the focus.

Such a difficult position for you to be in, it sounds like you’ve taken a carer role which must be draining.

@brainsandgrainsOP I feel so sad reading this as I do understand autism and also brain injury. But this isn’t an excuse for how manipulative she’s being and the impact on you.

unfortunately whatever you do won’t be good enough unless it’s the exact spa day and meal etc. and you can’t afford that. So whatever you do will be wrong which is so sad when Mother’s Day shouldn’t cause this amount of upset.

I’m sorry I don’t have much advice really other than to keep repeating that you love her but you don’t have spare money for this. Maybe using the word spare may be less worrying. I don’t know.

I just feel sad for you and want to send a hug ❤️

Everyone saying the mother just wants to spend time with the OP: the OP says she spends every Saturday with her mother. Her mother does not sound starved of her daughter's time and company. It sounds like she just wants expensive presents and to show off about them, and is now having a tantrum because she's not getting something on par with last year's one off extravaganza.

Please read the thread. This is a really sad situation.

This. She sounds like a brat. After this performance then l would get her a card from card factory and a chocolate bar. Bet she doesn’t take you to fancy restaurants but somehow thinks you need do that

I am so sorry for your mums reaction it’s not acceptable but is understandable due to her brain injury. I tell my children not to spend money on me a candle from Aldi or a bunch of daffodils make me happy. You are a fantastic daughter being so sweet to your mum. I hope you both have a lovely day together and she is happy with the hamper

I don’t think you are unreasonable for not doing the same as last year- I do think you are for giving her a regifted hamper you have eaten the chocolate out of. I would have still tried to take her for lunch or tea and spend the time with her. I have read this is much more complex due to a medical issue and therefore I think you knew this would happen as there is no reasoning with her.

If you are still there, OP, I have something for you to think about. Your lovely mum is in many ways no longer there. The mum who could understand and appreciate things isn’t there. You have a diminished version of her.

She is unreasonable. Made unreasonable by an injury, but none the less unreasonable. That doesn’t mean you need to accommodate her as if she were her old self. You can treat her as the new self she is. You have to push back. Reflect her energy, don’t bend to it.

Honestly, she’ll likely appreciate you better if she can’t walk all over you.