AIBU to be devastated

[MarilynAE]

I was inspired to write about my situation after reading about the writer who forgot her friends colonoscopy appt.
I am an 84year old widow with no children and not in the best of health. I am lucky enough to have a nice little bungalow with cash in the bank so no money worries. I have a neice who keeps in touch in a dutifull way but she is a high flying civil servant with a partner and leads a busy life. No children by choice. We do not see much of each other but talk occasionally by phone.
I have a friend who is in her early 60s. She has a husband who I really don't care for much and 2 grown up children and 4 grand children. I have known her for 40 years and we have always been in touch and since my husband died 12 years ago she has been kind to me always eg always (until recently when they decided to have a cruise at Christmas) inviting me for lunch on Christmases and allowing me to enjoy her grandchildren when they visit with her. I love her like a daughter.
They have lived in the same house for about 35 years so about 2 years ago I moved to be near to her. Imagine my feelings when not long afterwards she told me that they were thinking of moving and it could be anywhere as they wanted a little country cottage. They tried to sell their house but the market was poor and it didn't work out.
I was very upset at the idea and suggested to them that I would make a will leaving my estate to her and also give her power of attorney over my finances. She had already accepted power of attorney over my health when my husband died. I have made the will, the value will be over £400,000 and was in process of doing the P of A. I never said in words but thought I implied that I would like them to stay close to me until I die.
But I am devastated to learn that they are planning to move again and if they find the right property it can be anywhere. I have been fooling myself into the idea that she thinks enough of me to stay put for a while as she knows that this will be crucial to the end of my life.
I am having trouble dealing with the fact that nobody in my life basically give a shit...! And what do I do now? I suppose make a new will leaving everything to animal charities and let a solicitor make a fortune out of selling my property and closing my estate.
At the moment I feel my world has fallen apart. I don't want to talk to her and as we normally talk several times a week she must know that I am very upset.
I should add that I don't make huge demands on her and never have. I am still driving but do have severe health problems and quite honestly am grateful to wake up every morning.

OP, sorry to read you feel so vulnerable and hurt.
It does sound as if she cares for you, but also wants to enjoy these years herself.
I definitely think change the PA, perhaps to your niece.
Assisted living could be a wonderful idea for you.
Change is difficult but in the right place could be wonderful.
Would you consider asking your niece or friend to help you look into these options?
Wishing you well.

The hurt is the wrong emotion, your friend isn't not wanting to be a friend, but wanting to live the life she wants to live. Its OK to feel sad that your friend may move away (on the other hand she may find a cottage nearby).

You cannot expect to be able to buy a friend to stay close, because that's then not a friend, but a carer or a sort of employee.

As I said earlier, she may have no interest in your inheritance at all, and frankly would be foolish to count on any inheritance from anyone.

I would move the PoA to your niece and change your will, that will help you not to feel hurt, in that the transaction you had hoped for won't be happening either way.

You may love her like a daughter, but you don't like her husband and they must know this, and you expect them, without telling them ! to stay living in their current home because you are leaving her everything in your will.

People cannot be bought ( well some can but it's clear this couple can't ) and they clearly have plans / wishes for their lives in the near future i.e. moving to little country cottage. You cannot expect them not to plan their future because you chose to move nearer to your friend.

You can now change your will / make other financial plans and as already suggested consider moving yourself somewhere more suitable for your health and your future.

This thread is interesting, because over on the MNers without children board we had a parent come over and lecture us that if we want to avoid loneliness in our old age we must befriend younger people because our friends our own ages will die off or be unable to help due to their own ill health!

Sorry but you shouldn't be driving if you have a heart condition that you think will get you in seconds.

Stop driving, find supportive accommodation and enjoy your life

That was one person's point of view. I vaguely remember that thread and I think most people agreed that it was unfair to befriend people on the sole basis they'd end up being your carer in later life 😆

I wouldn't befriend someone if I thought they were lining me up to wipe their arse 15 years down the line

This. OP is being very, very unreasonable.

She wants to live out her golden years in a cute little cottage with her husband. No true friend would try and guilt someone into giving up their dream.

Spend your money on a nice home where you’ll be taken care of and make new friends. But don’t continue to be spiteful or petty just because she’s living her life. She’s been good to you so far and you’re not being very kind.

Hi @MarilynAEi have read your posts, but I haven’t read all the replies.

I can see you have had some supportive ones but I know you will have had critical / hurtful ones too. It’s always like that on here.

As regards are you unreasonable to be upset that your friend would move away and leave you, no, of course you are not. I can see why you are upset.

I do think it was a mistake to tell her what was in your will. And I think you should revisit this.

Your priority is you and your wellbeing and care in later life. I am glad you are still driving and in good health.

Do you know other people in your area? Could you try and widen your social circle and put less emphasis on your friend?

you sound in a good financial position and can hopefully have some happy, comfortable years. And if you need to pay for care, that’s what your money is for, and also the value of your house, if needed.

Leaving an estate after you die is not a concern for you. You are better to spend it on care and security while you are here.

For that reason, one option for you would be some sort of assisted or supported living. You would have your own litre flat, but have access to a shared dining room and meals would be provided.

These places vary hugely, but it sounds like you would have the money for a nice one.

It is just one option.

My main worry for you would be people taking advantage of you. There are lots of kind people who could help you, and lots of, for example financial advisers who could help…..but equally there are many people in these positions who just see people like you as walking pound signs.

I believe there is a system available where elderly people can have a court appointed supportive adult. These people are volunteers who are appointed to advocate for elderly people, listen to them, and look out for their best interests. But they are held accountable by the courts, which gives security that they are doing the right thing by you.

Possibly something like that could help x

You are being unreasonable.

I say this as gently as possible, but people aren't psychic. They aren't to know that being the beneficiaries of your will comes with the condition that they must stay close by. You need to use your words.

But expecting people to stay in a house/area they don't especially like, to care for you, is unreasonable. You could ended up living quite a few years more, and to expect someone in their 60s to give up their final "good" years to be your carer is unrealistic.

Personally, I'd see what happens with their house move, and take it from there... Could you also move to the same area? Or into a retirement home in the nearest town?

If it were me though, I think I'd spend that money on making your life as comfortable and fabulous as possible.

This. ^

I think YABU @MarilynAE . I am sorry you feel so lonely, and that you feel no-one cares, but to try and bribe your friend into being your carer, as you age and get more infirm, and also be your POA is really not on. She is entitled to go where she wants, and live where she wants. I think you are putting far too much pressure on her and it's very unfair. As a pp said, she's no spring chicken herself. And then to take the inheritance away if she doesn't fall in line is quite outrageous!

This puts me in mind of a great aunt of mine (when I was in my mid 30s with 2 small, infant school age DC.) She was alone (after my great uncle had died, my grandad's brother, so she wasn't a blood relative, and she had one son in his 40s from a previous marriage, and no grandchildren...) I visited her 2-3 times a month even though she was 30 miles away, because no-one else in the family bothered with her. She had been married to my grandad's brother for 10 years.

She had me in her will, and was going to split everything between me, and her (middle aged at the time) son who never came to see her in hospital, and visited her 3-4 times a YEAR. He only lived 40 miles away! I never asked for anything! She told me several times that she was going to put me in her will. (She was about 70 at the time...)

Then she went into hospital for a hip operation and was told she would be out of action for several months. I visited her 2-3 times a week in hospital, and no-one else visited except for a couple of neighbours of hers. The hospital was even further away - 35 miles.

She was close to being released after a few weeks, and the ward Sister told me she would need care, and would need to be waited on hand and foot, for the next 3-4 months and I would need to take her home with me. I was like

I said 'that's not possible, I have 2 small children, a job 3 days a week, and a tiny 2 bed house. Theres no room.' The nurse said ' well surely the children can sleep in the lounge for a while - and your great aunt can have their room. It will only be for a few months. You will need to continue care after though, so will need to come to her house to assist her for some months after.'

I said 'no, not happening. That's ludicrous. Contact her son! He needs to step up! ' She said 'he's a man with a very important job. HE can't possibly do it.' (Yes she really did say this, it was mid 1990s.) I said 'no way - it can't happen. I don't have the room, and I have 2 young children in a tiny house, and a job!'

She huffed and puffed and swanned off just leaving me there.

I went to see my great aunt 2 days later, in the hospital. and was told that she didn't want to see me, I had 'let her down' apparently! Long story short, I heard from one of her neighbours shortly after, that she had been assigned a carer, she was disgusted with me, and I was disinherited from the will.

So it seems I was only included in her will if I became her carer, her servant, her maid.

Nah, that's OK. I don't need your money that much!

Her son who did fuck-all - ever, inherited everything - when she died 10 years later... Well, it's OK, he's a MAN. He didn't need to do anything to inherit. Just needed to be a MAN.

You seem very unhappy with many of the replies @MarilynAE What on earth did you expect people to say?! You couldn't be more unreasonable if you tried.

.

Don’t leave your estate to animal charities when there are so many people in need. Leave your estate to your niece, or donate it to homelessness or something but please don’t spitefully give nearly half a million quid to save donkeys or something just to make a point.

OP I can see why you are hurting over this, but I also think your being quite selfish. Unless your "not in the best of health" is code for terminally ill and very likely only months to live, you don't know how long you have. You could be alive "not in the best of health" for 20 years! Your friend in her early 60s could be like my dad and go from fit as a fiddle to fighting cancer which ends abruptly with death at 74 like my dad's did. If your friend was in her 30s, it might be different, but frankly she might have less time less than you and deserves to live it how she wants.

Befriend maybe. Not expect to buy them off.

I find it utterly bizarre that anyone would think someone with children and a husband will have the time to be a friend's primary support as they age. It's massive overreach.

Even if the friend agrees, what if her husband and children don't? It affects them too if she's spending large amounts of time supporting someone else. That's time she can't work/ earn and can't support other people in her own family.

I wonder if this friend's husband is keen to move away partly because of his dawning realisation of this assumption of support that he's very keen she not take on.

Plenty of people with children - and who have good relationships with them - don't get to live out their last years close by to them. Part of parenting is learning that your children are independent and successful parenting means letting them live their own lives not curtailed or controlled by the parent. The fact that she's done the POA is a big deal and shows that you mean a lot to her, but that doesn't mean she can't live her own life and make whatever choices suit her and her family without factoring your wishes into the mix. The money is a red herring. It should never have had any strings attached because no one can buy someone's future like that, it's just not right. I'm sorry that you find yourself in this situation and can see how hard it must feel but if your instinct is to cut yourself off from this person - and to close down a thread with POVs you don't agree with - then perhaps that says something about how you've ended up with so few people close to you. I hope you get past the hurt and don't put too much on her. My DM is almost your age and still makes new friends from her local community, so it's not impossible to make connections where you are if you're open to it.

One of my DC will likely move to another country..I am not going to cut him out of my will or bribe him to stay.
Saving for my own care.

As someone else in a earlier thread mentioned, use your money to take yourself on some lovely round the world cruises and maybe free up your cash and downsize

But you understand the hurt is not her fault. She’s done nothing wrong and everything right. You gave no thought to her, her needs, her family, no thought to how she lives her life, no thought to how much care she shows you, how often she checks in or allocates time to you.

you simply decided you’d put her in the will. And in return you wanted her to put her life and that of her families on hold. For any number of years that’s unknown. I’m absolutely sure she’d be there and make the trip if you needed her. Instead you’re now punishing her with the silent treatment.

its reprehensible behaviour.

This did cross my mind ... What you said in your last paragraph. I wonder if the OP pressuring this woman, has had a hand in the woman (and her husband's) decision to move quite far away.............?

I’m really sorry OP it sounds really hard. And I don’t think you mean to be unreasonable in being sad and probably scared by the prospect of your closest friend moving who knows how far away.
My advice to you is to do as much as you can now to make decisions about what the rest of your life looks like. If you need care, what do you want that to look like? And make those choices known.
Id also reach out and try to be as active in the community as you can be. Are you religious? Do you go to church? Are their local groups you could get involved in? Would moving to some form of retirement complex be an option or something you might be interested in?
You sound like you are lonely above all else. And I think that most people massively underestimate just how lonely, frustrating and frightening it can be to be getting older and being alone. I’m so sorry you were unable to have children - I’m in the same situation now - and I know only too well how hard it is and in all honesty it is scary to think about what my life might look like when I reach the latter stages of my life.

Im sorry people on here are giving you a hard time. Which is not at all helpful. There seems to be a real dislike of anyone who isn’t able to be entirely self reliant. Particularly the older generations. The world has become a very selfish place of late.

I agree with this 🌻

You cannot be serious? What’s the friend done wrong?

Yes. Equally re reading the first post that the OP moved to be 'near by'. Obviously we don't know the distances involved and the frequency of visits or pop ins but I wonder if this has had an impact on their decision to move now.

OP kindly, they may feel trapped. I do understand your feelings but you really are asking them to put life on hold in exchange for yours.

Im sorry people on here are giving you a hard time. Which is not at all helpful. There seems to be a real dislike of anyone who isn’t able to be entirely self reliant. Particularly the older generations. The world has become a very selfish place of late

this sort of attack on others is unacceptable, there is no dislike of someone not entirely self reliant or the older generations. I don’t know what kind of back story you have going on, which would cause you to write such a thing.