AIBU to be devastated

[MarilynAE]

I was inspired to write about my situation after reading about the writer who forgot her friends colonoscopy appt.
I am an 84year old widow with no children and not in the best of health. I am lucky enough to have a nice little bungalow with cash in the bank so no money worries. I have a neice who keeps in touch in a dutifull way but she is a high flying civil servant with a partner and leads a busy life. No children by choice. We do not see much of each other but talk occasionally by phone.
I have a friend who is in her early 60s. She has a husband who I really don't care for much and 2 grown up children and 4 grand children. I have known her for 40 years and we have always been in touch and since my husband died 12 years ago she has been kind to me always eg always (until recently when they decided to have a cruise at Christmas) inviting me for lunch on Christmases and allowing me to enjoy her grandchildren when they visit with her. I love her like a daughter.
They have lived in the same house for about 35 years so about 2 years ago I moved to be near to her. Imagine my feelings when not long afterwards she told me that they were thinking of moving and it could be anywhere as they wanted a little country cottage. They tried to sell their house but the market was poor and it didn't work out.
I was very upset at the idea and suggested to them that I would make a will leaving my estate to her and also give her power of attorney over my finances. She had already accepted power of attorney over my health when my husband died. I have made the will, the value will be over £400,000 and was in process of doing the P of A. I never said in words but thought I implied that I would like them to stay close to me until I die.
But I am devastated to learn that they are planning to move again and if they find the right property it can be anywhere. I have been fooling myself into the idea that she thinks enough of me to stay put for a while as she knows that this will be crucial to the end of my life.
I am having trouble dealing with the fact that nobody in my life basically give a shit...! And what do I do now? I suppose make a new will leaving everything to animal charities and let a solicitor make a fortune out of selling my property and closing my estate.
At the moment I feel my world has fallen apart. I don't want to talk to her and as we normally talk several times a week she must know that I am very upset.
I should add that I don't make huge demands on her and never have. I am still driving but do have severe health problems and quite honestly am grateful to wake up every morning.

This is a sad post. I’m a generation behind you but have friends who worry about their future as they don’t have much family.
It’s easy for us to say to move or identify a charity but a lot for someone with health problems and little support.
At least you won’t be leaving everything to the friend’s husband if you don’t like him much!
Who else do you see day to day? Do you go to any clubs? You are very much not alone in your situation and there will be other older people out there who could still potentially be close friends.
I remember once reading of an adopt a granny type thing where lonely older people could be put in touch with young families. I wonder if that would be an option? Maybe not if you’re not well enough to manage young children.
If you’re happy to post your rough location there may be others on here with ideas.

I think it's a realization the sentiment isn't reciprocated?

So, no daughter has ever moved away from a parent?

@MarilynAE the thing is I have two children and we are a loving family. DS and DIL are on another Continent (work for him); DD and future dh are likely to he living overseas within 18-24 months.

I am thrilled for my children. That they are independent and go-getters. All I've ever wanted is for them to have good lives.

I have DH but am an only child and he has hardly any family. If the time comes, I am alone, I shall have to crack on but shall never, ever clip my children's wings and can't compute how you feel you could have clipped a friend's. Love cannot be transactional and neither can friendship.

Maybe she feels suffocated by your expectations? It almost sounds like a bribe that if she stays close to you, then you will bequeath her money. She doesn't owe you her presence.

I am sorry you feel devastated by this but you have unreasonable expectations of the friendship.

Op I am so sorry you feel so left to it, that’s so tough. Saying that people can’t live somewhere because of someone else, even if she was alone people need to go where makes them happy. Continue to stay in contact, visit each other and leave your will including her, she has been there for you. My sister travels to see my aunt a few times a year and talks to her on the phone regularly. Immerse yourself in life the way you would have when younger, a bus collects my neighbour to go to bingo and she does an art class.

My aunt had no children and I was her main carer. She had eight nieces and nephews including me but I was the only one who looked after her. A few others did the occasional thing. Her estate was divided equally amongst us all.
You can’t really make people commit to look out for you or provide care for you. I thought that if I was in your position and able to make decisions I would sell everything if I struggled to look after myself and move into a very nice care home. Somewhere I picked and felt fitted my needs.
My uncle was in one during the last stage of his life and it was lovely.

There is an organisation called Aging Well Without Children, www.awoc.org.uk who might be a good support for you.

Also have a look and see if there are groups or activities in your area to join as that will take the emphasis in your life away from your friend, and you may make some new friends in the process.

I do feel for you but you can’t put all that on a friend. Nor could you if you had adult children. Can you imagine how it feels from her
point of view? She wants to move but her elderly friend moved nearby and expects her to put her plans with her husband on hold.

We moved 6 hours away from where we were born and where my in laws still live, my BIL had already moved 5 hours away but not near us.

We all love my PIL very much but we have lives to live and this is where we want to be. Hopefully in two years we will go abroad for an early retirement. Our life is too short to wait for them to die or to wait to be close by. Why does your potential need for them trumps their freedom? She is your friend not your caregiver and besides how do you know that they aren’t going to see if you want to move too?

I think you are being quite selfish tbh

I'm sorry this has come as a shock but I think you're beyond unreasonable in your expectations. You could live for over another 10 years and your friend is presumably heading into retirement - if you love her like a daughter, you should be happy she is going to make sure her retirement is what she wants it to be!

As for: I don't make huge demands on her and never have, oh, except you expect to be able to choose where she lives when she wants to move?

Even if she was a child of yours, it's unfair and unrealistic that she would park her happiness as she goes into the later stage of life just because you'd prefer it.

I think booking the cruise at Christmas was the first big hint. Also you say you don't think much of her husband and I cannot imagine they don't feel/see this.

I suppose make a new will leaving everything to animal charities and let a solicitor make a fortune out of selling my property and closing my estate.

Why would you do this? And not leave it to your friend and/or niece..

You'd begrudge them so much that you'd rather strangers who dont give a shit at a donkey sanctuary get it.
You were trying to use the money to buy control now you want to withdraw it because they wont live their lives for you?

I get that its hard... but you'd be unreasonable to expect this of your own children.
To expect this of them is beyond unreasonable

Why not look at those fancy retirement villages theres one in the cotswolds we get promotional post for the previous owners

Sorry OP but you're trying to blackmail them. They've obviously got morals, good on them.

I guess this is a sad part of being childless really, you have no one to really lean on when you are widowed. Your friend is 20 years younger and wants to live her life and enjoy her retirement I presume, she doesn’t want to end up being a quasi-carer for her elderly friend. Sorry, I know that’s hard. I think them moving away also perhaps indicates they weren’t overly comfortable with you moving close to them in the first place.

As a PP said, I’d also be going travelling if your health is good enough and making the most of your golden years. Leave the money to charity.

I m sorry for the situation you find yourself in. It must be hard.
However your expectations are unrealistic. Even if she was your daughter, she must live her life. Her choices are not personal to you, they are her own path.
I urge you not to loose a very good friendship over this. Someone who you speak to several times a week is a great comfort and I believe you will regret your current stance. Take some time to think before cutting her out of your will too. She has included you in many family events, with great warmth and affection.
I understand all this stings at the moment, but dont make your friend feel guilty. You can move on from this and maintain your friendship. And finally, although she may move anywhere, she may also move somewhere relatively close.

You can’t buy people! You might live until 100 and she surely can’t be expected to put her life on hold for 400k?!

My mum passed last year at the age of 95. At 84, though she had some health issues, she was independent. Gradually in the last 10 years of her life she became increasingly dependent on me, her only child. She was miserable and she made my life an absolute misery. If you’d have asked her at 84 was she going to do that, I’m sure she’d have said no but it happened gradually until it took over. It changed both of us and the stress and anxiety of it made me ill, I’m not sure I’ll ever fully recover. I have a husband who was wonderfully patient and 2 kids, now late teens, neither of whom have ever caused me as much anxiety. But I missed a lot because mum was so needy. In the end, she spent the last 18 months in a home as she couldn’t live alone. She didn’t want to live with me and it would have been a disaster anyway. It was a pretty good home and in many ways a relief for me but, for my own wellbeing, I had to back off which left me feeling guilty but it was just impossible. She wasn’t particularly happy there and took it out on me. I love my mum and miss the woman she once was but I don’t miss those last years, they were awful. That was the reality of caring for my very elderly mum.

I don’t expect my kids to do this for me. That’s what my savings are for. Spend time with me but not put their lives on hold.

I can understand how upset you are. I can imagine you feel very alone but you are asking too much. POA is already a lot. You can’t expect your friend and her husband to put their lives on hold for what could be many years. Nobody could have expected my mum to live to 95 given her childhood, young life and various health problems. Her mum was 85 and both her grandmothers also 85 so long lived. But 85 was not 95. At 85 she managed pretty well, as did her mum, but by late 80s and into 90 she wasn’t managing.

I think you’re asking way too much of your friend.

This. My parents are this sort of age and I would feel suffocated if they did this

She’s in her early sixties, you may live another ten years OP, maybe even 15, do you really want her to put her life (and her DH’s) on hold for you? I think that’s a lot to ask of family - let alone a friend. She has her life to consider, yes you are leaving a generous chunk of cash but if you live another ten years, she will then be well in to her 70s, there’s only so much she’ll be able to do with £400k then herself. She wants a cottage now so she can enjoy the remainder of her life now. She has children and grandchildren, she just can’t sacrifice all that to stay living near an elderly friend.

No one should assume another person will care for them /be responsible for them in old age. Did you ever ask her if she would be willing to take on that role?
I would make plans for yourself, hire a carer/ cleaner to support you or move to a retirement village. Use your money to ensure your end of life is comfortable.
leave your friend and your niece a sum each if you genuinely do love them.

You decided not to have children by choice - you have to live with that - you have put a lot of pressure on this friend by moving near her and expecting her to stay and support you but without actually saying that to her. You don’t like her husband and therefore he has zero loyalty to you but you expect to also change his life plans.

Get that will changed asap, OP.

Sorry you’re going through this.

I think your expectations are way off.

Sorry but are you trying to bribe them to do what you want?
She is well within her rights to move, you have overstepped massively. Why not move into a nicer care home with all the activites etc going on? It’s not like you don’t have the money for it.
She’s twenty years younger than you op she’s allowed to live her life, unfortunately she isn’t your family you can’t force her. If my parents did this I would feel really suffocatedz