AIBU to be devastated

[MarilynAE]

I was inspired to write about my situation after reading about the writer who forgot her friends colonoscopy appt.
I am an 84year old widow with no children and not in the best of health. I am lucky enough to have a nice little bungalow with cash in the bank so no money worries. I have a neice who keeps in touch in a dutifull way but she is a high flying civil servant with a partner and leads a busy life. No children by choice. We do not see much of each other but talk occasionally by phone.
I have a friend who is in her early 60s. She has a husband who I really don't care for much and 2 grown up children and 4 grand children. I have known her for 40 years and we have always been in touch and since my husband died 12 years ago she has been kind to me always eg always (until recently when they decided to have a cruise at Christmas) inviting me for lunch on Christmases and allowing me to enjoy her grandchildren when they visit with her. I love her like a daughter.
They have lived in the same house for about 35 years so about 2 years ago I moved to be near to her. Imagine my feelings when not long afterwards she told me that they were thinking of moving and it could be anywhere as they wanted a little country cottage. They tried to sell their house but the market was poor and it didn't work out.
I was very upset at the idea and suggested to them that I would make a will leaving my estate to her and also give her power of attorney over my finances. She had already accepted power of attorney over my health when my husband died. I have made the will, the value will be over £400,000 and was in process of doing the P of A. I never said in words but thought I implied that I would like them to stay close to me until I die.
But I am devastated to learn that they are planning to move again and if they find the right property it can be anywhere. I have been fooling myself into the idea that she thinks enough of me to stay put for a while as she knows that this will be crucial to the end of my life.
I am having trouble dealing with the fact that nobody in my life basically give a shit...! And what do I do now? I suppose make a new will leaving everything to animal charities and let a solicitor make a fortune out of selling my property and closing my estate.
At the moment I feel my world has fallen apart. I don't want to talk to her and as we normally talk several times a week she must know that I am very upset.
I should add that I don't make huge demands on her and never have. I am still driving but do have severe health problems and quite honestly am grateful to wake up every morning.

No I don’t. I never said I do. But those conversations should have been had before OP moved. Or at least the fried could have been emotionally intelligent enough to understand that the OP might be hurt and do something to help alleviate that.

If I was the friend I would also have been very clear about what we were planning on doing.
For example at 84 a lot of people will be beginning to struggle with mobility. So one fear the OP might be having is what happens if the rural house has steps to the door, or inside, or whatever. Will she even be able to visit? How will she get there? Will they still come to visit me?

I don’t think many posters realise just how scary and out of control it can feel for a lot of the older generation. Yes a lot of it will sound self centred but it so so often comes from a place of fear.

We don't know if the friend knew in advance about the move. If I were putting money on it I'd guess it was a fait accompli.

I think the OP would have told us if it were your version.

She has very very clearly said she is not and has not asked her friend to be a carer.

Stop twisting things to suit your narrative and actually try reading the OPs comments. It tends to help!

Exactly. It's baffling that this poster seems to think that the woman the OP is talking about should put her life on hold to serve her (the OP,) and if she doesn't, she's a rotten meanie who is leaving the poor woman isolated and alone. It's incredibly unfair and cruel to lay this kind of guilt trip on anyone. The woman herself who has already done so much for the OP is in her 60s herself, and has her own life and responsibilities. Along with possibly her own health issues.

And because the woman isn't going to do what the OP wants, the OP is disinheriting her.

How can anyone defend this?

A few posts on this thread have been outrageous!

Anyway, I am out, because I have said all I can, and I have no wish to upset the OP further. I don't think she is malicious or unkind, just probably very worried and flustered and doesn't know what to do. YABU though @MarilynAE

I wish you well, and I hope you find peace and friendship and have happiness from now on, but I'm out now.

.

Maybe the friend was okay with OP moving there in theory but the reality could have proved too much and been a deciding factor in needing to move away. The friend isn't going to say that, any more than the OP is going say (or even realise) they've put too much pressure on the friendship that operated well at a distance for decades, but there's no doubt even in the OP's post that this friend has been the most caring connection for the OP and she stepped up to have POA despite there being a niece who could have done it and despite having her own DC/GDC to look out for.

So I'm much more inclined than you are to give her the benefit of the doubt and not cast her as some uncaring cow who tricked the OP into moving nearby just to pull the rug and reveal she always planned to leave her in the lurch. If OP had better (or any) connections where she used to live, she'd have said and would have stayed there and got them to act as POA. That wasn't the case. It doesn't make the friend a bad one for wanting to move now. And I suspect 'moving to the countryside' is code for 'moving away from OP' reading between the lines, which again is fair enough in this specific case.

The rest of your post may be relevant as a PSA about the state of things for older people generally and is equally as valid as talking about the pressures on young people today and on those caught between and having to care for both. None of that makes the OP's friend culpable. OP is not her client and her regular attendance cannot be bought as yours can. If OP gives her the silent treatment and changes the will in a pique over this, then OP isn't such a good friend anyway.

You should have made it explicit. It's not wrong to expect support in old age from someone whom you trust and like and who will ultimately benefit greatly from the inheritance. I think it's unreasonable to say yes please to the inheritance and then leave you on your own.

Yes agree with all of this.

It’s laughable that you think an 82 year old would be able to up and move without her friend being at least aware.

I'm worried about my future if I am widowed as I have no siblings or children. I was a carer to my parents and an older friend until they died and the strain was massive. Also my very dear friends live far away and are of the same age. (Thank heavens for the internet!) I have made mental plans to live in an apartment in a small town instead of the middle of nowhere, and to join some local societies and get to know people there. I do have some relatives' children near by , whom I get on with very well, but they have their own lives to live. I will buy as much care as I can afford when I need it, even if I take out equity release . I will not blight anybody else's life by being reliant on them, and if somebody is going to wipe my bum, they should be suitably paid.

But her friend is allowed to change her mind, no? I have changed my mind about lots of things in the last two years, as the economy nosedives.

You have no idea if the friend knew anything about the move until after the point contracts were exchanged for the purchase. You have no idea if the move was discussed before it happened.

The fact the OP didn't mention any prior discussion about her move makes it more plausible the friend knew nothing about it until the house was bought.

When you moved closer to her two years ago, was she aware that you were going to do this or did it come as a surprise?

I'm sorry for this situation op.

I say this not to be dismissive, or even to say it has any impact on how you should leave your estate, but really just to lessen your hurt, and that is that it may be the husband has had a strong hand in the move and she is in a difficult position. There have been times my DH has - not unreasonably - wanted things that I knew would not be my parents' first choice for us, and it can be a case of divided loyalties.

That said, you owe no-one anything. I would make a plan to use the money as best befits making your life as comfortable and enjoyable as possible. Charity is a lovely idea but don't feel you can't just use it for yourself. I would look into care home plans as you don't know what lies ahead and you will be best positioned to know what you would like.

We have no idea whatsoever what the friend has or hasn't said about the possible inheritance though. Nor do we have any idea what her and her husbands thoughts are about ANY of this siutation.

Oh, I do understand. I was executor for both my parents and my husband.

I don't have a large estate and I'm organising my paperwork. An executor would only need to engage a solicitor to organise the deed of confirmation (the Scottish equivalent of probate) at the sheriff court and an accountant to do any electronic paperwork for IHT if it is needed - and it's quite possible that it won't be needed.

That's pretty much what I did with my husband's estate. There was no IHT to pay.

In my parents' case I didn't even need a solicitor since they just had small estates. Most of my parents' money went on paying for Mum's care at home before and after she moved in with me - I was still working then.

I'm not in an expensive part of the world and my house is only worth about 150k. By the time you add together the tax allowance for a married couple and take into account what I'll probably be paying for care etc., I don't think that IHT will be an issue.

I've also contacted the local Co-op undertakers to see about sorting out my funeral, so that'll knock a bit off the final total. The only thing is that my cousins have strongly hinted that I should just have a direct cremation, so I'm having a think about that.

I've told family members on both sides that I'll label some items - old photographs, genealogical material for those in the family who are interested - so that they can just grab them and get a local house clearance firm in for the rest.

I reckon that the house clearance will be the biggest job, which is why I've told them to get a firm in. However, I've told the family where my jewellery is so that they can get that first. (They're not that sentimental. I know that one set of cousins just sold their mother's jewellery.)

We had a great-uncle who died intestate. Like me, he had no children of his own and it took years for his estate to be sorted out, given the lack of a will and the need to trace the descendants of all his siblings. A local solicitor was employed to do the needful and I believe that a large amount of money went on his fees.

I do understand that being an executor can be a hassle which was why I was hoping that I could name three relatives to deal with that, so that one person wouldn't have all the burden, and I expected them to be reimbursed. However, if they're happy for the money to go to a solicitor, then that's fine.

That thread was worrying but in fairness, the OP did say that she had been considering Malta as a long-term other option too.

Yes, being somewhere within reach of amenities is sensible. I understand about the strain - I was carer to my parents and to my husband.

I have an older friend and an older cousin who have urged me to move to a 'nicer area', but that would be foolish. Financially, I'd lose out. Moreover, where I stay at the moment, the bus connections are fairly decent and there are shops and a doctor's surgery within walking distance (or taxi distance if my legs go).

'I was very upset at the idea and suggested to them that I would make a will leaving my estate to her and also give her power of attorney over my finances.'

It doesn't look like she said , I’m not able to look after you personally, so it would be better to use your own money to cover any care you might need rather than leaving it to me in your will.

Yes this is my view too. And even if she was your flesh and blood, the next generation need to live their own lives, even when it can be hurtful (unintentionally) to the previous one. Relocating, marrying people that are not approved of, following ‘unsuitable’ careers. This is life.
OP, gently, you are the one damaging this relationship with your current behaviour. You will lose her totally if you continue. Whereas if she has your blessing, you will retain her friendship, just with a few miles in between.

my mum recently moved into a sheltered living place, she has her own flat with her own front door, but there is also lots of communal areas, they do things almost every day of the week such as bingo and cinema nights, they also go on weekly coach trips to different places all over the uk. if someone has a birthday they all celebrate and share gifts, you can also not do those things if you don't want to, there are pull cords in each flat and a manager on site five days a week if you need help with anything. they can also call you at the same time each morning to see if you are ok or need anything, you can opt out of this if you want to.

It's close to all the shops in the area, near to a hospital, doctors, dentist etc

They cook a huge Christmas dinner with all the trimmings, you can take any pets with you if you have any too.

They have free wifi in the entire building and the gas and electricity is included in the rent.

could you look at something like that? there are always people around if you want to socialise and if you don't that's fine too. I know the one's in my area also do bungalows if you don't like the idea of the above.

I'm an only child with no children and no family apart from my mum and I already know I will be going there when the time comes (it's for anyone over 55)

I'm wondering if the friend felt pressured to stay in the area because the OP tried to buy her .
That would make me want to move. id feel very uncomfortable knowing that I couldn't move to dream home because I'd been paid in advance to stay put.

Still sorry for the OP tho..

OP could well use her own money to cover her care anyway and not leave it to the friend in her will. She'd have to if residential care was needed. Regardless, it still wasn't an explicit - 'I'll leave my estate to you on the condition that you stay put indefinitely' and friend didn't have to say an explicit 'no don't because we still want to go'. The OP's deal was implicit and the friend's implicit response is now 'sod any inheritance, on reflection, what we want still stands and we're going through with it.'

OP can do what she likes with her will and shouldn't use it as leverage on other people's life decisions or she'll find that rather than being grateful, it might only add to the sense of pressure and perhaps resentment. They didn't ask for the money and no doubt they'll be okay with not getting it. It's OP who's upset and devastated and not talking to them. She took a gamble and it didn't work out.

Nope. Not at all- the OP has already said "I never said in words but thought I implied that I would like them to stay close to me until I die" indicating that she has NOT actually been informing her friend of her true honest wishes or plans therefore its perfectly possible the OP's friend had no idea she was moving just for her.

If she announced to her friend she was moving what on earth is her friend supposed to say?- "I hope you arent moving due to me?" then you would have accused the friend of being rude and unkind as you seem determined to demonise her lovely friend when we know nothing of her side of the story and there are ALWAYS two sides.

👏👏👏
Agree the OP sounds desperate , and shouldn’t try to persuade her friend to stay with an inheritance. It’s putting a burden and pressure on the friend, whose own circumstances may change so that she’s unable to carry out the commitment. The sheltered housing solution sounds ideal.

There is no way it was implied, what in earth are you talking about. She said she’d leave it in her will, she never once said on the condition you live here till I die. Who on earth would think that was the requirement.