AIBU to be devastated

[MarilynAE]

I was inspired to write about my situation after reading about the writer who forgot her friends colonoscopy appt.
I am an 84year old widow with no children and not in the best of health. I am lucky enough to have a nice little bungalow with cash in the bank so no money worries. I have a neice who keeps in touch in a dutifull way but she is a high flying civil servant with a partner and leads a busy life. No children by choice. We do not see much of each other but talk occasionally by phone.
I have a friend who is in her early 60s. She has a husband who I really don't care for much and 2 grown up children and 4 grand children. I have known her for 40 years and we have always been in touch and since my husband died 12 years ago she has been kind to me always eg always (until recently when they decided to have a cruise at Christmas) inviting me for lunch on Christmases and allowing me to enjoy her grandchildren when they visit with her. I love her like a daughter.
They have lived in the same house for about 35 years so about 2 years ago I moved to be near to her. Imagine my feelings when not long afterwards she told me that they were thinking of moving and it could be anywhere as they wanted a little country cottage. They tried to sell their house but the market was poor and it didn't work out.
I was very upset at the idea and suggested to them that I would make a will leaving my estate to her and also give her power of attorney over my finances. She had already accepted power of attorney over my health when my husband died. I have made the will, the value will be over £400,000 and was in process of doing the P of A. I never said in words but thought I implied that I would like them to stay close to me until I die.
But I am devastated to learn that they are planning to move again and if they find the right property it can be anywhere. I have been fooling myself into the idea that she thinks enough of me to stay put for a while as she knows that this will be crucial to the end of my life.
I am having trouble dealing with the fact that nobody in my life basically give a shit...! And what do I do now? I suppose make a new will leaving everything to animal charities and let a solicitor make a fortune out of selling my property and closing my estate.
At the moment I feel my world has fallen apart. I don't want to talk to her and as we normally talk several times a week she must know that I am very upset.
I should add that I don't make huge demands on her and never have. I am still driving but do have severe health problems and quite honestly am grateful to wake up every morning.

You needed to be clearer with your friend so she could accept or refuse your idea that she would stay close and assist you in return for inheriting.

You can't expect her to read your mind and feel guilted into not moving because you mentioned putting her in your will.

Im sorry people on here are giving you a hard time. Which is not at all helpful. There seems to be a real dislike of anyone who isn’t able to be entirely self reliant. Particularly the older generations. The world has become a very selfish place of late.

What utter nonsense. Literally noone in this thread has suggested OP become entirely self sufficient. What most of us HAVE said is that we are sorry she feels lonely but that she cannot rely solely on one lone friend to meet all her care needs in the future and thats entirely reasonable.

This friend has a husband, children and her own family to consider. She can't just drop her entire life plans and revolve her life around the OP- that is neither realistic and its not at all healthy. Many people in this thread have suggested entirely sensible ways for the OP to meet others, socialise and find community support. That does not mean the OP can manipulate her friend with the promise of an inheritance as that is not kind and it is not practical either- that is the epitome of selfish.

Leave everything to your niece. Blood is thicker than water.

@MarilynAE i am sorry too that you are alone .
However it does sound like your friend doesn’t want or can’t for any reason look after you .
I wouldn’t be leaving her the money though or giving her power of tourney No Way .

Id move somewhere you are close to hospitals and maybe community support and somewhere you can pay for someone’s time to support you out and about or with shopping and company.
Where would you like to live? Is another move doable if needed ?

I remember that, and thought it was mildly mad at the time, but I assume, in fairness, that that poster didn’t mean ‘Try to buy a younger friend as carer by dangling a potential inheritance in front of them when they’ve made it clear they want to move away in retirement’.

They have lived in the same house for about 35 years so about 2 years ago I moved to be near to her

Just looking back at this - so you've known this friend for 40 years, your DH passed 12 years ago, but you waited until you were 82 to move close by to her. Soon after she said they planned to move away but that attempt failed, so you came up with this 400k inheritance carrot to stay put, but they still want to go.

It really couldn't be any clearer and honestly on reflection I feel less sorry for you. You didn't move to be close by because she's such a good friend or else you'd have done it much sooner. You've waited 38 years and moved to be near to her extremely late in the day because you want her to be your carer/substitute daughter and understandably she doesn't want her life choices dictated by that.

That’s sad for you at your time of life particularly but I am inclined to agree with a lot of posters that what you need is company. A good way to do that is move to a retirement property where there are other people to talk to about absolutely anything. You’re in control here. Financially you’re secure so well done for that, not a lot of people appreciate themselves for achieving that. Your friend isn’t a daughter she’s not a relative but she cares and she cares enough to tell you her plans. Hopefully she will encourage you to consider a move yourself. You can say her plans have made you think of doing something too. Do it before you have to, and before she moves far away and you feel sad. Leave her a legacy if you want to, it’s your money but it’s not a bribe it’s a recognition of all she has done for you and it’s a mind thing to do. I wish you well .

@MarilynAE This sounds like great advice and something that both DH and I would consider, either jointly or separately. We have no children, just two nephews, and we have both said that it there's something left for the boys then fine, but we'd prefer to enjoy life with what we have.

I really feel for you. Everything seems to have fallen apart. Whatever you decide to do, don’t lose the friendship with this person. I wish you all the best you will come through this.

Wow, after years of being her friend, almost daily check ins,has taken pose of attorney over her health.

now because they are clearly retiring and wanting to downside and move to the country, you feel she shouldn’t inherit anything, because her and her husband won’t give up their retirement dream to be on hand for the op.

thats so self focused.

It is utterly disgusting the attitude of a significant number of posters on this thread! You should be ashamed of yourselves for being so bitchy to clearly vulnerable elderly lady. The way we treat the elderly in this country and the contempt we feel for them is shocking. Community in this country is dead.

She wasn’t asking for someone to provide her with care. Or drop her life’s plans. Just a regular familiar face to be reliable for connection. She wants to be seen. To be heard. To be valued. Because you reach a certain age and you become invisible.
I work with the elderly every day. Just this morning I’ve been in to one lady who in her day was the lynchpin of the village. Organised countless events, run committees, cleaned the church, over decades. She’s now housebound and not one person drops by, or has time for her now she’s of no use to them. They are all quick to say how wonderful she was and how nothing is the same without her. But they don’t fucking show up. She doesn’t want to get out of bed this morning because well what’s the point?
Remember we are all only a bereavement or two away from the OPs situation.

Yes, that had occurred to me, too. Did the OP consult her friend when she took the decision to move close by on her account? There was another recent thread where an OP was all set to move to Germany because she wanted to live close to her partner’s sister because they were both pregnant and she wanted their children to have a close cousin relationship and apparently the partner’s sister was full of enthusiasm about work opportunities even for non-fluent German speakers and affordable accommodation etc.

Then she told the sister and her partner they’d decided to move to live close to them in Germany, and got the reply that the sister and her partner had just decided to move to Malta.

Two very different situations, but it’s putting a lot of pressure on one relationship to move somewhere specifically because you have certain expectations of that relationship and/or to require that person to stay living somewhere because you want them to. You’re essentially saying ‘Put my needs and wishes higher than your own.’

This is also reminding me of a woman my DH worked with or 2-3 years in the early 2010s. She was about 12-13 years older than us, (we were around mid 40s, and she was mid-late 50s,) and she seemed to be in poor health a lot. She had been a heavy smoker and had all kinds of smoking related illnesses. She had one son too (like my great aunt,) but this woman, and her son, hadn't spoken for 15 years as she hated his wife.

She left the workplace around 2014, and DH stayed in touch with her, and we would meet her every 6-8 weeks or so for a coffee. (She lived 20 miles away.) I found her quite annoying. All she did was whinge and moan, and especially about her son and his wife. I didn't want to go with DH, but he begged me to.

Long story short, after about a year, she started to do what the OP is doing. Edging towards us being POA on her death, and wondered if we would sort her funeral when the time comes, and would be her carer when she became unable to do things herself. DH had already run her to hospital appointments 3 or 4 times which pissed me off as she was capable of driving. He asked me to take her a few times, and I said no. I have my own family and job and DC and commitments, (and so did DH!) and it annoyed me.

She had a house of her own - worth some £60K at the time, (a tiny cottage in quite a rough area,) but she had £40K or more of debt. (That we knew about! I suspect she had more. She never stopped spending!) She said 'ooh, you'll get a little pay off in my will if you look after me.'

tl;dr, after I said to DH (multiple times) 'No fucking WAY are we having any part of this' and DH had to admit defeat, he phoned her and said 'no sorry Pauline, we can't do it. It's too much for us to take on.' She got really snarky and was proper pissed off. And like my great aunt, she just cut us off!

I was delighted. DH was really disappointed and hurt. I said 'what did you expect? The woman has cut off her son because she doesn't like his wife, she is not a nice person! She has been using you, she was attempting to use me, and when it all stopped, she's thrown her toys out of her pram.'

Don't know what became of her. Don't care. DH never contacted her again.

@MarilynAE I am not saying that YOU are anything like this woman. It's just bringing these things back (from the past) that have happened, in a similar situation.

You are far worse- you are encouraging an elderly, lonely woman to drop one of the few really good friends she has simply because this woman and her family wish to move home. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Your analogy with the woman you know doesn't even make sense here because the OP's friend has been there for her for decades - she's invited her round every Christmas, she checks in with her several times a week, she has been a wonderful friend to her so what on earth has that got to do with some random woman you know who nobody visits? thats not what is happening here at all

No one is being ‘bitchy’. Only pointing out that the OP hasn’t communicated her intentions and wishes clearly, and that, ultimately, she is attempting to dictate someone else’s behaviour by dangling an inheritance in front of them (though that doesn’t seem to have been stated upfront.) You can’t control other people’s behaviour, ultimately.

She wants her friend to put her life on hold to be that familiar face though, which is far too much to ask. The friend is in her 60s and wants to do what she wants with her life and she should be able to without guilt. The OP isn’t her child or dependent. OP already insinuated the friend wasn’t kind because she dared to go away on a cruise for Xmas meaning she couldn’t go for dinner. Thats really awful.

OP You sound articulate, in reasonable health and probably still have something to offer the world! I urge you to seek help via age concern, or any support agency like likewise, support and connect, peer coaching, and find out what is available in your area. It sounds like you need to be living somewhere with more people around.

Please consider reaching out to any charity and start the next phase of your life with some positivity. I don’t mean to say cheesy empty words, I think you could use this moment to really get somewhere and change things for the better . Good luck X.

Why should the OP leave everything to her niece? She admitted she rarely shows up, as she is too busy being a 'high flying civil servant.'

It sounds like the woman - who is possibly moving away soon - has done waaaaayyy more for the OP!

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You are being very unreasonable OP. You have no right to make demands of them in exchange for being beneficiaries in your will. I thinks that outrageous to be honest. You have lived your life in a way that suits you - they have the right to do the same. They are telling you they don’t want to look after you and you need to respect that.

I would not spend my 60s+ looking after a friend for any amount of money - I won’t even do that for family!

In your shoes I would find myself a nice retirement community, buy a flat there and spend the rest of my money enjoying myself.

Your post doesn't fit with what the OP has said. This isn't someone who was lynchpin of her village who's been cruelly dropped. OP lived somewhere else nowhere near the friend and only left whatever community she was evidently not the lynchpin of, to move close to this friend 2 years ago at the age of 82. This isn't a 'regular familiar face' situation. It's much closer to a 'ask someone to provide her with care and drop their life plans' situation, given the POA and the whole post being about OP's devastation at the friend's understandable plans to move and the OP's attempts to keep her in place. The friend has already done a lot for OP and will doubtless do more if the POA kicks in. She's 'seen' and 'valued' the OP, but her own life's value can't be totted up to a 400k promise so she can't live out her own 60s and 70s as she pleases, just like the OP has done.

Hopefully OP will find someone like you in the place she lives, although I note that you do it for a job, which is a different thing again. Lots of women do a lot of caring for older people, children, all kinds of people in need. They have to look after themselves too and not spend their whole lives sacrificing for others.

OP in the off chance you may still read these replies though you have said you're stopping - get a pet/pets - cat, dog, budgie - whatever to keep you company - more loyal than ''people'' generally ( unless food i treats involve ,of course] and/or buy a large TV.

No one has been bitchy, and what she wants is fine and understandable, but she can’t use money to try to make someone else’s life stop for her. This couple are retiring, they want to move away, which many do on retirement, the op only moved to be close to her 2 years ago, she’s now giving her the silent treatment, this woman took poa for her health, she visits, calls her most days, and now the op wants to be punitive as they want to move on retirement, even though she only moved there at 84, two years ago.

just because people get elderly it doesn’t mean bad or unacceptable behaviour should not be pointed out and thay in doing so people are bitchy.

and I’ve no idea what you’re on about with your lynchpin, this is not remotely similar to the op,

“I should add that I don't make huge demands on her and never have.“

you don’t think demanding someone does not move house because you don’t want them to is a big demand?

I'm sorry about what was obviously a very big misunderstanding with your friend.

I think you need to sell up and move into age related accommodation with additional assistance on site. There is a huge choice these days. You will find yourself in a ready made community and soon have people who either genuinely care about you around you or people who are paid to act as if they do, which I think is sometimes better because they will always be there.