AIBU to be devastated

[MarilynAE]

I was inspired to write about my situation after reading about the writer who forgot her friends colonoscopy appt.
I am an 84year old widow with no children and not in the best of health. I am lucky enough to have a nice little bungalow with cash in the bank so no money worries. I have a neice who keeps in touch in a dutifull way but she is a high flying civil servant with a partner and leads a busy life. No children by choice. We do not see much of each other but talk occasionally by phone.
I have a friend who is in her early 60s. She has a husband who I really don't care for much and 2 grown up children and 4 grand children. I have known her for 40 years and we have always been in touch and since my husband died 12 years ago she has been kind to me always eg always (until recently when they decided to have a cruise at Christmas) inviting me for lunch on Christmases and allowing me to enjoy her grandchildren when they visit with her. I love her like a daughter.
They have lived in the same house for about 35 years so about 2 years ago I moved to be near to her. Imagine my feelings when not long afterwards she told me that they were thinking of moving and it could be anywhere as they wanted a little country cottage. They tried to sell their house but the market was poor and it didn't work out.
I was very upset at the idea and suggested to them that I would make a will leaving my estate to her and also give her power of attorney over my finances. She had already accepted power of attorney over my health when my husband died. I have made the will, the value will be over £400,000 and was in process of doing the P of A. I never said in words but thought I implied that I would like them to stay close to me until I die.
But I am devastated to learn that they are planning to move again and if they find the right property it can be anywhere. I have been fooling myself into the idea that she thinks enough of me to stay put for a while as she knows that this will be crucial to the end of my life.
I am having trouble dealing with the fact that nobody in my life basically give a shit...! And what do I do now? I suppose make a new will leaving everything to animal charities and let a solicitor make a fortune out of selling my property and closing my estate.
At the moment I feel my world has fallen apart. I don't want to talk to her and as we normally talk several times a week she must know that I am very upset.
I should add that I don't make huge demands on her and never have. I am still driving but do have severe health problems and quite honestly am grateful to wake up every morning.

You know it’s interesting actually now I have read some more comments - perhaps the OP has misinterpreted the relationship and the friend is trying to create some distance. My mum had a similar situation with a woman from the village who did not speak to her own child. She started off being nice to this woman who span a good yarn about everyone always leaving her and pretty soon it became clear why. She was excessively demanding and would call my mum for no end of favours. What started with the occasional dropping round of shopping to be nice became cleaning, dog walking, taking to doctors appointments and when you tried to say no she would have a go at you. If she had treated all the people in her life this way it was no surprise they had eventually got sick of her.

My mum did too and she has the patience of a saint but it was so draining she had to start screening her calls and eventually she moved onto someone else.

I understand your upset OP, but you are trying to dictate another couple set aside their life plans in order to be on hand to care for you, without any indication they would want to do so.

My parents have spent the last decade caring for both my grandmothers in their own home. It has aged them both terribly - they retired and moved straight into full time caring roles and feel tethered to the house, unable to travel or visit friends. It is so saddening to see, even though it is close family. My mum in particular has seemingly given up on life, and isn't even 70 yet. She is convinced she will die before her mother.

Honestly, in your early 60s, would you have willingly given up significant life plans of you and your husband for an elderly friend? Knowing those plans may well be on hold for over a decade, and therefore indefinitely as you may be too elderly yourself when "released" from the commitment to fulfil your dreams?

Agree with this. ^

Agree with this ^ also!

That’s exactly how I read it. It’s not the language of an 84 year old was my first thought.

@MarilynAE , I would actually value your opinion on something. And anyone else who thinks I sound either brilliant or crazy (I’m sick and in hospital so I cant tell.)

The government isn’t doing shite to help us all out of this, and maybe it’s not their job (that’s based on your own opinion, whatever it is), so we’ll have to help each other - what would you think about a program in which younger couples or a single person of the same gender as you, who want to get on the property ladder join households with (and share some caring responsibilities for) single OAPs who have no family? I don’t know the exact logistics, but the goal would be that you, as the OAP, would interview candidates, find ones you like, do full DBSs and such, and then you combine households - they will inherit “the house” that you all currently live in when you’re gone, but any additional monies would be used for your care. They would also be legally obliged to provide a certain level of care that would allow an OAP to perhaps stay in their own home longer than without help, and ideally until death.

We’re running into this problem more and more in the UK - young people who can’t get on the property ladder and older pensioners who have no family to help them now in the “need help but not a care home yet” phase, and who may face their “estate”, which is essentially everything they’ve worked for all their lives, being completely eaten by either care home fees for a care home that would be unnecessary with just a bit of help, or the state. Tons of houses are just standing empty when people need housing. We can’t force billionaires to give us any of their 24 houses BUT we can choose to share our own levels of wealth with each other, as opposed to lining the pockets of yet more billionaires.

I was raised by my grandparents. I’ve lost them both now but I miss that relationship so much. I know it can’t be forced, but even friendship would be more than a lot of people have in their lives.

Am I crazy? Naive? Any lawyers/estate planners, is what I’m talking about even possible?

Couldn't have put it better myself.

You need to find people your own age to socialise with.
If there are none close by, consider moving to a residential area for retired people - that way you will have company.

That did go through my mind for a moment too. But then some people under 40 may be suprised to hear someone in their 60s speaking like this, and yet some do. (I know a few! I am nearly 60, and have a bit of a potty mouth now and again!) 😬

It probably does at least feel like she’s been dropped by her friend to the OP. She has moved at the age of 82 years old to be closer to her friend. There is zero way that her friend was unaware of that situation before it happened. Why not tell her then that she wasn’t planning on staying put? Why let her have the huge upheaval of moving without mentioning that she wasn’t going to be there? People don’t just up and move at 82 without reason? You’re telling me that her friend of 40 years wasn’t aware of her reasons for moving?
Change for people of that age is often very hard. A friend upping and moving to the countryside is almost certainly very scary for the OP. Especially ones without known answers. Moving to the countryside could be 10 minutes away or it could be 10 hours away.

My post was absolutely relevant because it happens to far too many elderly people. Particularly those who live alone. We have a huge percentage of lonely elderly people with often crippling anxiety and depression. Communities which once provided the social support for many people just no longer exists. People are too busy to spend even half an hour with them. There are so so many people like the OP, like the client I saw this morning and like the may others I have come into contact with professionally or personally.

Again @Zov please quote where I have said any of what that poster says!
Perhaps read the thread properly?

Yeah, the OP never said she chose to not have children. We don't know the reasons why. And as my 2 (long) posts illustrate, just because someone has a child/children that doesn't necessary mean they are going to get on when they're older. People can still be alone after being estranged from their children.

You read that very differently to how I did then. I read no criticism of the cruise. Just demonstrating that they were close enough to spend most Christmas’s together. There was nothing to imply the OP was upset about the cruise. Just you and other posters twisting it to suit your narrative!

Please don’t lose the friendship or dismiss the last 40 years. She has been an excellent friend and you should focus on all the good she has done. Her family may want her to relax and enjoy her retirement and not take on others responsibilities (they are right). Make professional provision for your future care, nursing home or carer support.
Keep your friend close and remember it should work both ways. Be happy for her.

I’m sorry. As another poster said, we’re all only a bereavement or so away from similar. It’s scary to be old and on your own.

However, it is likewise true that we cannot rely upon others to make sacrifices for us or refrain from making positive life changes for themselves even if they may disadvantage us (other than parents for their children - and that in childhood only).

I think, in your position, that I’d be looking for two decent well reputed private client solicitors in different firms. I’d see what they suggest. I think some may be prepared to be an attorney for a fee of course. As a failsafe , you could pay another firm to supervise or share the appointment cutting down on the low risk of any abuse or financial misconduct. I would record your wishes for your old age and infirmity with them. Do a Respect form and think about what medical interventions you’d want or not want. What kind of residential care and where? Or home care?

Once you’ve sorted these necessities, think about how you can age proof your home and make your life the best it can be for now. If you can, try and muster energy to join groups, church, make new friends. I am thinking of you and wishing you happiness.

My post was absolutely relevant because it happens to far too many elderly people. Particularly those who live alone. We have a huge percentage of lonely elderly people with often crippling anxiety and depression. Communities which once provided the social support for many people just no longer exists. People are too busy to spend even half an hour with them. There are so so many people like the OP, like the client I saw this morning and like the may others I have come into contact with professionally or personally.

Your post wasnt relevant- you gave an example of someone nobody wanted to visit or see.

The OP describes her friend as wonderful and kind and keeps in regular contact with her.

In fact, it is now the OP who is ignoring her friend and refusing to contact her.

Therefore, any loss of contact now is due to the OP choosing to distance herself by choice.

Also - you say people are too busy to spend time with them, well yes, because when you have a full time job and young children (in addition to elderly parents perhaps) it is hard to even have a moment to yourself let alone visit random elderly people in the community. That doesn't make people bitchy, selfish or unkind, it makes them stressed, under pressure, and overwhelmed by their existing responsibilities.

Exactly @NightInTheWalls The woman doesn't owe the OP anything.

Wonderful and kind but is now moving away so will no longer be doing any of what you state!

A wonderful kind friend who allowed and probably assisted an 82 year to uproot her life to move closer without mentioning that they themselves were moving. Leaving the OP alone in a new community with no support.

@Ihavelostthegame So you do expect this friend to revolve her life around the OP then?

Wanting to move doesn't make someone unkind. Not even a little bit.

I would describe someone having the OP over every Xmas and to enjoy the grandchildren as a lovely friend.
The friend is now entitled to do as she pleases and move to Australia if she wants to.

It is NOT the woman's responsibility to be a carer for the OP @Ihavelostthegame It sounds like the woman has done a LOT for the OP, and she (the OP) has moved near her in the hope she will be her carer when she is older/more infirm, and has written her into her will.

Now the woman has the AUDACITY to want to move away and live her life (in her 60s now) with her husband and family, and not be the OP's carer, she is disinheriting her. I am baffled that you are defending the OP, and insulting and berating anyone who think the OP is being unreasonable - which is MOST posters!

I think because you work with elderly people who are left alone, you are projecting your personal feelings into this, and you're not being remotely impartial.

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Right? also we have no idea what other responsibilities this friend has- she may have in laws who now need support or her own parents but no, the OP should come before them I presume? 🙄

She has 4 GC and may want to be involved.

Exactly.