AIBU to be devastated

[MarilynAE]

I was inspired to write about my situation after reading about the writer who forgot her friends colonoscopy appt.
I am an 84year old widow with no children and not in the best of health. I am lucky enough to have a nice little bungalow with cash in the bank so no money worries. I have a neice who keeps in touch in a dutifull way but she is a high flying civil servant with a partner and leads a busy life. No children by choice. We do not see much of each other but talk occasionally by phone.
I have a friend who is in her early 60s. She has a husband who I really don't care for much and 2 grown up children and 4 grand children. I have known her for 40 years and we have always been in touch and since my husband died 12 years ago she has been kind to me always eg always (until recently when they decided to have a cruise at Christmas) inviting me for lunch on Christmases and allowing me to enjoy her grandchildren when they visit with her. I love her like a daughter.
They have lived in the same house for about 35 years so about 2 years ago I moved to be near to her. Imagine my feelings when not long afterwards she told me that they were thinking of moving and it could be anywhere as they wanted a little country cottage. They tried to sell their house but the market was poor and it didn't work out.
I was very upset at the idea and suggested to them that I would make a will leaving my estate to her and also give her power of attorney over my finances. She had already accepted power of attorney over my health when my husband died. I have made the will, the value will be over £400,000 and was in process of doing the P of A. I never said in words but thought I implied that I would like them to stay close to me until I die.
But I am devastated to learn that they are planning to move again and if they find the right property it can be anywhere. I have been fooling myself into the idea that she thinks enough of me to stay put for a while as she knows that this will be crucial to the end of my life.
I am having trouble dealing with the fact that nobody in my life basically give a shit...! And what do I do now? I suppose make a new will leaving everything to animal charities and let a solicitor make a fortune out of selling my property and closing my estate.
At the moment I feel my world has fallen apart. I don't want to talk to her and as we normally talk several times a week she must know that I am very upset.
I should add that I don't make huge demands on her and never have. I am still driving but do have severe health problems and quite honestly am grateful to wake up every morning.

A lot of assumptions are being thrown about on here. OP, does not explain the circumstances of her move to be nearer the 60-something friend. Was she explicit - eg,"I am moving to be near to you?" Did the friend have any choice or part in the matter? Or were the reasons for the move kind of 'fudged' as needing to be nearer to shops or other conveniences, or a place with no stairs etc etc? We don't know. Perhaps the friend was freaked out by the OP moving to become more dependent on her - and perhaps this is the very reason that they plan to move away and are being vague about where.

OP states she doesn't care much for her friend's DH. Could it be he is annoyed his wife is being sucked into a role as a carer and he wants her to maintain her boundaries around this? Is this why OP is less keen on him?

Whatever the case may be, as if anyone would reasonably expect a man they don't even particularly like, to stay put on the basis you may need his wife around!

These people may well have their own elderly parents to worry about. Even if not, they will have had years of the 'sandwich' phase when you're perpetually caught between the demands of ageing parents and growing kids - not to mention work demands. They possibly envisage a bit of freedom in their 60s - who can blame anyone for this?

A friend of mine had a similar situation where an elderly lady in the flat below her became very dependent on her - to the point she made it very difficult for my friend to move to a larger house after she had her twins. This kind of situation is very difficult indeed, for all concerned.

OP, I think all you can do it let this play out. Don't try to manipulate the situation. They may take ages to move. Regardless, don't use your will as a bargaining chip. If you maintain good and fair relations, I'm sure your friend will see to it that you're ok - eg she'll have you to stay frequently and / or help you into a supported living situation perhaps where you will be surrounded by a community.

Rven though I have kids, when I'm your age, who knows where they will be? They might be overseas or anywhere. I can't assume they will always be local because people need to live their lives,

My heart goes out to you, Op. I can completely understand the hurt. X

But why, the op wasn’t not forced to move to be near her two years ago. The woman didn’t offer to stay and be her carer, she never asked for money, and the op never used the will saying it means you can’t move until I die.

om absolutely sure the woman will still check in on the op, come visit, but this is not a situation the woman invited, nor did she offer. The woman has had more and more asked of her, but this, this is very extreme,

what has the op to be hurt over. Thay her friend won’t put her retirement dreams on hold to stay put for what could be years and be her carer. Thays a high expectation you have over your friends.

Sorry, but as an older widow, I’d say that you cannot put expectations on friends.

Regardless of what you might promise them.

Sort the legalities out professionally, and find a different social life.

Eh? OP says that when the move came up - "I was very upset at the idea and suggested to them that I would make a will leaving my estate to her... I never said in words but thought I implied that I would like them to stay close to me until I die." OP believes it was implied. The fact that the idea/offer came up from the OP's upset at the friend's attempt to leave would imply a connection between not moving and getting the money. I agree it can't justifiably be a requirement - and that the friend won't be bound by the will one way or another - but it's not some wild fantasy that it was implied. That's literally how it came about.

I'm not saying her friend is in the wrong at all. I just recognise how said it must be for Op. Feelings aren't always about who's in the right and I can only imagine how it feels to be Op's age, with no close family, staring down the last few years of her life and recognising how lonely it will be. It's a sad situation. No one's fault, but sad nonetheless.

No one has the right to demand another person should give up their life plans to become their carer. It would be unreasonable to expect this from your children, it is many times more to expect it from a friend!

My parents moved to Spain permanently on retirement. Never asked my opinion on their plans. Or gave any thought to the consequences for when they got older and frailer. Now DM is living on her own there and is having cancer treatment. She has no other family to help and I am having to manage everything from the UK with the obvious limits due to immigration restrictions and the fact I have a full time job which is essential to pay the bills. Doesn’t stop Spanish healthcare workers guilting me at every opportunity for not having taken her to every one of her weekly hospital appointments since July. Which would have been impossible even if I gave up my job and lost my house as I would have been deported!

OP, just have a good think about what you are asking of your friend. Why should ANYONE give up their own life just so you can get what suits you?

Of course but it’s important to be clear with the op; right now she’s in there ruining this relationship, giving the woman the silent treatment, ignoring her, I assume as a way to punish her and make her realise she’s done something wrong without the op having to say it and she wants to change her will, not even inherit her niece, but leave to charity. She is using her money as a weapon.

there is no doubt this woman has done a huge amount for the op, there is no doubt she will continue to check In and be there for her, albeit at a distance, I’m also going to hazard a guess the woman never asked the op to move down two years ago so she could care for her.

so telling op you understand why she’s hurt this woman wants to move in retirement, could lead her to believe the woman is doing something wrong, to splinter the relationship further. To weaponise her estate even more, use it as a carrot to get people to fo what she wishes or or a stick to beat them with when they don’t. Her immediate go to was well I’m not giving you my money then.

there is nothing to be hurt over here. As the woman has done well by her, the only one who has.

@aceboop Could I ask, please, where your mum's sheltered housing is located (please feel free to DM me if you are happy to share and don't want to put it on a public post).

The reason I ask is that I am trying (in vain at the moment) to get my 89 year old mum to consider living in something like this. She is on her own in a council house that is woefully badly maintained, and sees noone apart from me and my DH once a week when we take her shopping. She is struggling, and needs to be in a community but is being a bit stubborn. I have suggested that something like sheltered housing would be good for her and I think I'm finally getting through to her, but it would be good to show her your post to encourage the conversation along.

if you google anchor housing it should come up, they have properties all over not just my area so you might be in luck, if not in your area try 'over 55 sheltered housing' as I know there are more providers in my area that are just like my mums.

just call them and ask to be put on the waiting list, my mum only waited five weeks and she was given a choice of which flat she wanted as well.

The OP said she’s 84. It’s her friend who is 60.

I find it odd that they are considering moving anywhere with no preferences as to which part of the country it would be, if it is even in this country (UK?) Sounds vague and unplanned. Every time someone I know or know of, moves away, they always seem to come back as the grass turns out to be not as green as expected. Two couples who went to live in Australia, one couple returned to the same town they lived in before emigrating and the other couple returned to a town just a few miles up the coast. Another lady left just for a different part of the same town and came back to her original area saying she didn’t like the area she had moved to. A lady who had lived on the islands who went back after a few years to start a business there.
I have moved around in my life a lot, UK and abroad, always dictated by employment, either mine or my parents, in one year I was in four different schools. Family all hundreds if not thousands of miles away, no children. Finally on retirement came back to live near the town where I lived from the age of 12 to 18 and again in my 20s, and frankly I wish I hadn’t bothered coming back, as everything has changed. I didn’t expect it to be exactly the same of course but I had felt homesick when we left, and now we’ve come back, I’m homesick again for the place we left when we retired. I keep thinking about going back as well. What I mean is, she’s saying about them leaving for pastures new but will they actually go and if they do, might they come back again a year or two later? I wouldn’t rush into making any drastic changes.

Maybe not so odd if they've decided they want to retire by the beach, or in a forest, as examples? They might not be too fussed where. I'd be happy to be open on moving areas. I'd obviously check out the area once I thought I'd found a place but I think I'd know when I'd found my place. The may be moving for context rather than specific location.

@aceboop Thank you for that, I’ll have a look.

They may have locations in mind but not want to tell OP in case she says she’ll go there too. Maybe not but the vagueness could imply wanting to keep plans to themselves for now.

OP hasn't said anything about her friends reaction or response, you are assuming things when we have zero information.

I think others have been caught out before assisting an older person on the promise of an inheritance that doesn't always materialise. It's tricky and maybe the friend doesn't have the energy for it.