AIBU to be devastated

[MarilynAE]

I was inspired to write about my situation after reading about the writer who forgot her friends colonoscopy appt.
I am an 84year old widow with no children and not in the best of health. I am lucky enough to have a nice little bungalow with cash in the bank so no money worries. I have a neice who keeps in touch in a dutifull way but she is a high flying civil servant with a partner and leads a busy life. No children by choice. We do not see much of each other but talk occasionally by phone.
I have a friend who is in her early 60s. She has a husband who I really don't care for much and 2 grown up children and 4 grand children. I have known her for 40 years and we have always been in touch and since my husband died 12 years ago she has been kind to me always eg always (until recently when they decided to have a cruise at Christmas) inviting me for lunch on Christmases and allowing me to enjoy her grandchildren when they visit with her. I love her like a daughter.
They have lived in the same house for about 35 years so about 2 years ago I moved to be near to her. Imagine my feelings when not long afterwards she told me that they were thinking of moving and it could be anywhere as they wanted a little country cottage. They tried to sell their house but the market was poor and it didn't work out.
I was very upset at the idea and suggested to them that I would make a will leaving my estate to her and also give her power of attorney over my finances. She had already accepted power of attorney over my health when my husband died. I have made the will, the value will be over £400,000 and was in process of doing the P of A. I never said in words but thought I implied that I would like them to stay close to me until I die.
But I am devastated to learn that they are planning to move again and if they find the right property it can be anywhere. I have been fooling myself into the idea that she thinks enough of me to stay put for a while as she knows that this will be crucial to the end of my life.
I am having trouble dealing with the fact that nobody in my life basically give a shit...! And what do I do now? I suppose make a new will leaving everything to animal charities and let a solicitor make a fortune out of selling my property and closing my estate.
At the moment I feel my world has fallen apart. I don't want to talk to her and as we normally talk several times a week she must know that I am very upset.
I should add that I don't make huge demands on her and never have. I am still driving but do have severe health problems and quite honestly am grateful to wake up every morning.

I did not have no children by choice, that wa myneice I was refering to. We tried hard and 50 to 60 years ago there was no help to concieve. Not having children was the disappointment of my life.

It all seems a bit much I’m sorry to say OP. She is your friend yes, but had her own family, children, grandchildren, partner, other friends. You sound like you’re suffocating her. Moving house to be closer to her. It’s a lot. It’s very kind that you’re leaving so much to her but it feels like it comes with conditions. Let her live her own life and move to where she wants to move to. You surely can’t begrudge her that?

I’d LOVE to hear her point of view on all this.

Will all due respect, OP, you are not your friend's problem to sort. She has a life of her own to live, and is also well into the second half of that life. Your expectation that she put off what she and her husband want to do with the rest of it (move to someplace that they love and spend time together doing things they want) is very unreasonable. No one is obligated to literally put their lives on hold to cater to yours. That would also be the case if you were actually related.

Leave your estate to people you love and who have been there throughout your lifetime in various stages. Don't use it as a bribe like it appears you are doing now.

I'm sorry you are feeling alone and unloved OP, but YABVU.
Your friend deserves her own dream retirement, as does her DH.
She isn't young anymore and might not be so lucky as to live as long as you already have.
You sound very manipulative and unfortunately may lose your DF altogether if you can't be happy for her, as she fulfills her own dreams.
Or are you only interested in the friendship if she is close by and doing what you want?
Also, on a practical note, your friend might of given up her dreams, then inherited nothing, as your estate was immediately swallowed up in care fees. £400,000 doesn't go far these days.
Those PPs suggesting retirement villages and year long cruises also need to wise up. An estate of £400,000 does not allow for that!
You could however, use what funds you do have access to, to make your life as comfortable /enjoyable as you can afford.
I hope your friendship survives.

I am sorry thats the case but can you not see that it's hugely manipulative to hang an inheritance over someone's head to get them to do what you want them to do? What's to stop you pulling the inheritance at any point in the future if you disagree with a life choice of theirs?

Did you put your entire life on hold when you were in your 60s to care for a an elderly friend? - if not why would you expect someone else do it?

Also, your friend has her own family to look after and help - if she has ageing parents and in laws how on earth are you expecting her to physically manage all of this.

You're absolutely right about the unrealistic suggestions re the £400,000.

The friend didn't presume anything.

Ok everybody, I get your message. Can I close this thread down now please.

I thank everyone who came up with some positive ideas for me and to the others I would say ...yes I get it...but it makes Zero difference to the hurt.

I understand that, and it must be very hard. But, as a parent, I would never expect my own beloved child, to whom I am incredibly close, to put her own life on hold until I die. And I mean this kindly, but you should not expect this from your friend, who has her own life to live.

Could you perhaps think about using some kind of equity release scheme on your property in order to free up resource to pay for carers to come in and help you with stuff?

I do understand how difficult this must be for you. Ageing can be a very lonely and frightening experience.

Do you really think she should put her whole life on hold for you? And her family? Would love to know what her husband thinks about all this. She hasn’t “hurt” you she just wants to live her life.

I know you want to close the thread down, which is fair enough. But in case you're still reading.

I think you need to try to reframe "the hurt". I am sure it isn't the case that your friend doesn't care about you, it is merely that she has her own life to think about which is about more than just you. She might not even have understood that it was your expectation that they should stay put - unless you made it very clear that this was a condition of the inheritance, she may have had no idea that you had linked the two together in your mind. The issue here is that your expectations were unrealistic in the first place - if you can try to recognise that, it may help to alleviate the sense of hurt that you feel.

I hope you get past the hurt you're feeling OP.

Remind yourself that you love then and WANT them to go and live their lives the best they can because life is so short. Just like you were able to live the life you chose when you were their age.

But this is the entire point - you dont have a right to be hurt because your friend has done nothing wrong.

If you carry on childishly ignoring her (as you said you were doing in your OP) then you will end up losing a really good friend that even you admit has been very kind to you for decades. Losing one of your closest friends isnt going to help your feelings of loneliness, its going to make it worse.

What a load of nonsense.

The woman wasn’t presumptuous at all. She’s just living her own life. She didn’t presume she was getting an inheritance from the OP. She’s not even slightly ’taking the piss’ by deciding what she wants to do with her own husband.

I wouldn’t change what I wanted to do in my sixties so I can get a large inheritance. I’d rather do what I wanted to do with my own life and get no inheritance. You can’t buy people’s lives without asking them. The OP could have asked the friend to stay and look after her for a million pounds or whatever bit she didn’t do that.

Not sure why you’re trying to cajole someone with an inheritance that may never be available.

You may move into assisted accommodation, care home, nursing home etc. all very expensive.

You’re expecting too much and not speaking to your friend is emotionally manipulating them as well.

As others have said, move to a unit for older people.

Also, the fact that you don’t care for your friends DH, seems irrelevant.

Still not your friends problem

Good post from @MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack. Reframe the ‘hurt’ as unrealistic expectations, and possible poor communications if, as you say, you didn’t actually say in words that you expected your friend and her husband to stay living close to you until your death, but ‘implied’ it.

I voted YABU as they need to live their lives in the way they want to, in the same way as children should. But I do sympathise with how you are feeling. I expect to be in the same position one day and it’s difficult.

Sorry OP but even if she was your daughter you can't expect her to shape her life around you. As another poster suggested, use your assets to buy support from professionals.

I think this might be a reverse though.

My step grandmother decided to move into a bungalow on an assisted living facility, there were loads of people there, you could have as much or little engagement as you wanted, lots of social spaces, always different things going on, day trips etc, and staff to help if needed. I think it was Edinburgh but I’m sure there are plenty across the UK. It’ll be a big change but you need to put yourself into a position where you’re not relying on others goodwill, because as you’ve found, people want to live their own lives and that isn’t selfish, it’s just choices. Please do have a look at other options that are available to you where you could have a really good few years actually living and enjoying your life more independently of family and friends support as it may not be there when you need it - good luck with whatever you chose

Yeah close it down. Ppl on mumsnet are insensitive and horrible xx

Yet another thread going poof for "privacy concerns" no doubt 🙄

I do think you would benefit greatly if you lived in a retirement flat as they do have so much organised. I would advise you to look into the aspect of future proofing your life. The places usually have so much going on.

Just in closing as I am going to stop reading from now on. I am not disabled and don't need a carer. I have a heart condition like my father which will probably get me as it did my father in seconds. I hope. I stll drive. I was never seeking a carer just somebody I could rely on who was near me. As for 'the hurt' I spoke of if I could switch that off I would. I looked after my husband after he had a stroke and would give anything and everything to be still doing that.

The OP has had excellent advice about her unrealistic expectations of her friend, and about using her assets to put support in place.