AIBU to be devastated

[MarilynAE]

I was inspired to write about my situation after reading about the writer who forgot her friends colonoscopy appt.
I am an 84year old widow with no children and not in the best of health. I am lucky enough to have a nice little bungalow with cash in the bank so no money worries. I have a neice who keeps in touch in a dutifull way but she is a high flying civil servant with a partner and leads a busy life. No children by choice. We do not see much of each other but talk occasionally by phone.
I have a friend who is in her early 60s. She has a husband who I really don't care for much and 2 grown up children and 4 grand children. I have known her for 40 years and we have always been in touch and since my husband died 12 years ago she has been kind to me always eg always (until recently when they decided to have a cruise at Christmas) inviting me for lunch on Christmases and allowing me to enjoy her grandchildren when they visit with her. I love her like a daughter.
They have lived in the same house for about 35 years so about 2 years ago I moved to be near to her. Imagine my feelings when not long afterwards she told me that they were thinking of moving and it could be anywhere as they wanted a little country cottage. They tried to sell their house but the market was poor and it didn't work out.
I was very upset at the idea and suggested to them that I would make a will leaving my estate to her and also give her power of attorney over my finances. She had already accepted power of attorney over my health when my husband died. I have made the will, the value will be over £400,000 and was in process of doing the P of A. I never said in words but thought I implied that I would like them to stay close to me until I die.
But I am devastated to learn that they are planning to move again and if they find the right property it can be anywhere. I have been fooling myself into the idea that she thinks enough of me to stay put for a while as she knows that this will be crucial to the end of my life.
I am having trouble dealing with the fact that nobody in my life basically give a shit...! And what do I do now? I suppose make a new will leaving everything to animal charities and let a solicitor make a fortune out of selling my property and closing my estate.
At the moment I feel my world has fallen apart. I don't want to talk to her and as we normally talk several times a week she must know that I am very upset.
I should add that I don't make huge demands on her and never have. I am still driving but do have severe health problems and quite honestly am grateful to wake up every morning.

I am finding that people (generally) do get wonderfully and quirkily extremely selfish as they get older. Im seeing it increase daily with my mother, which is pretty amusing as she used to be the most selfless person there was. Probably fair enough on their part, earned the right and so on, but this is the result - youre upset she dared to go on a holiday at christmas and wants to do a very normal thing which is move. She probably never realised your friendship came with such high transactional expectations.

I am sorry for what youre going through though, it sounds very tough and tbf any one of us could be in either position. There but for the grace of god as they say.

And it was a colposcopy btw.

We can’t control what other people do, whether we are related to them or not.

I wonder whether they’ve talked in the past about ‘when we retire’, or aspiring to move to the seaside for example.

How did you choose where you would live at various stages of your life?

Does your friend have family members that rely on her, now or in the past? GC to sit for, parents or aunts she keeps an eye on? I have enough in my life that I’d struggle to accommodate anyone else.

Where does the OP say she chose not to have children?

I'm sorry, OP. I can imagine how difficult this must be for you. I have an aunt in a very similar position and I know that she is very lonely - I try to do what I can to help, but inevitably, it's limited as I have my own life/career/dc etc and I also have my dad to care for.

I don't think you can expect your friends to put their own lives on hold until you die. They would have no way of knowing how long you might go on, and maybe they want to move before they get older themselves and it gets much harder?

You can't buy their presence by promising to leave them your money. It sounds like they have been kind to you. Is it really necessary to change your will?

I’ve got an aunt in a similar situation. She had no children and is widowed and lived in another country unity her seventies.

She has bought a flat in a block for older people very near a town centre. There is a good hospital, shops and transport links. There are similar minded people in the block. It’s expensive but she doesn’t have to worry about leaving an inheritance. There are a couple of communal areas she can sit in and people are coming and going. There is a ‘concierge’ who will do bits and bobs. Update your phone, print something out. She’s made friends there.

As someone in my late 50s who has adult children, I was looking forward to some space where we’d be able to do our own thing for a while- have the brain space to organise some fun. But no. We’re quite tied down with elderly responsibilities now.

If you read the original post again, it’s the OP’s niece who is childless by choice. OP says nothing about how she comes to be childless.

This

although I too think this is a reverse!

Your friend needs to live her own life and retirement with her husband.

In your shoes, I’d look for a nice retirement village to move into. The flats are usually very comfortable and often have communal areas for gatherings and organised activities, plus a warden who can help you deal with emergencies.

My mum bought a 1 bed flat in one when she was late 70’s and made new friends and settled really quickly. She had been widowed for over 15 yrs and kept saying to me that she wish she’d done this sooner rather than staying in the family home that was getting too much for her.

Apart from OP said she's 84 and not in a great health. Buying/selling/moving property is a huge effort, I don't see how it's feasible at this age being on your own. The same for a year long cruise (if such thing even exists). You really need to be a good proximity of a good hospital in such situation.

The key bit that sticks out for me, is that you say you love her like a daughter. The age gap you have amplifies that. But for her, she has parents - they're the ones who have died, or are themselves very elderly. She's raised a family, is approaching retirement age, and wants to do something for HER, before she's too old to make the most of it. Between kids, grandkids and her own parents, she's likely spent decades in a caring role, and may well feel panicked and stressed by the idea of doing that all again. What you are effectively asking her to do, is to give up her life's dream permanently. There's no reason to lose her as a friend, and if you love her, there's no reason to change your will. But you have to accept that she is a friend, not a daughter, and adjust your expectations accordingly.

I too think this may be a reverse but anyhow.

So basically OP you were lining her up to be a carer rather than a friend - very selfish.

She is probably looking forward to her retirement and enjoying the healthy years she has left. The promise of money down the line may not ever materialise, as it could end up going on a care home etc.

As someone who cared for my elderly father - I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, it nearly broke me. You have no idea ehat your needs will be in a few years, it’s too much for most people to cope with. Even if she was your daughter you shouldn’t just expect this.

Use the money you have to buy in care and support - cleaner, gardener, get your house adapted etc.

My Dad and stepmother sold their house and moved into a rented flat by the coast. He got the spend the last year of his life living his dream by the sea.

I’d expect a true friend to want you to spend your retirement doing something you loved.

I think your expectations are unrealistic and totally unreasonable. Sorry. Assuming this isn't a reverse, of course!

PoA and wills are not intended as tools for you to try and control someone else and trying to use them that way seems abusive to me. I have financial PoA with my mother, as does my sister. Neither of us live close to her and I am three hours away. It doesn't dictate where people can live and nor does her will, which splits everything between us. She has never used them to try and blackmail us, and never would.

I know you sound lonely and I am sure this must be influencing the way you are thinking, but you are still totally unreasonable and in the wrong.

This.

Also look at over 50’s flats as they’re a lot cheaper, and will only have other older residents as your neighbours. I was looking at similar for a relative, and there are some lovely new ones nearby right in our town centre 5 mins away from the supermarket.

I would also try to find a nice retirement community, to have a support network and hopefully some friends

You are being very unreasonable. I wouldn’t expect my dd to put plans on hold for me for years let alone a friend.

Change your will. Spend what you have now to ensure you go out in comfort and in style. Regardless of your situation you must see you are being incredibly unreasonable to your friend and if she knows you feel this way it is very unfair to her

Of course YABU- you are basically trying to buy/bribe this person into becoming your carer. I am really sorry that you feel so lonely but surely you can see that your behaviour is manipulative and controlling even if you didnt intend it to be.

You may live another 15 years - that means your friend would have to put her life on hold for a really long time to meet your expectations and she may even die before you meaning she never got to live the life she wanted.

Sorry but you are being extremely selfish here. Even the way you describe her as "not thinking enough of me" is selfish. This isnt about you, it's about what your friend wants for HER life. You lived your life the way you wanted to and didnt base all your life decisions on what your friends thought so why on earth should she?

Yes this, sell up and spend it all, live the life of luxury!

You sound quite manipulative tbh. Trying to coerce your friend into staying put by buying her loyalty. I would run a mile.

She clearly cares for you a great deal if she has already managed for your health and she speaks to you several times a week. I feel you’re being overly punitive, the money came with strings, not because you care the same back for her, but because you wanted something in return.

yiu can’t expect them to stop their lives, you could live another ten plus years, and she is ageing herself.

Its not reasonable to expect this of her, she has her own life and priorities

Yes friend sounds lovely. I don’t have any friends I speak to/help several times a week like this, nor would it be expected

It’s very sad for you OP that you find yourself alone. But this is due to circumstance leading up to your current situation and not because others ‘don’t give a shit’. It’s quite difficult for most people to cope with the pressure and demands of our own close family network, so taking onboard someone else’s life admin isn’t something most people would want to do. Spend your savings on making life as lovely as possible for yourself. Are there any local organisations you could join for the company? Are you religious - lots of Church groups embrace people into their communities. Don’t shut the door on your friend. I’m sure there will still be opportunities for get togethers if she moves away, but just not on the same level as if you’re in close proximity to each other.