AIBU to be devastated

[MarilynAE]

I was inspired to write about my situation after reading about the writer who forgot her friends colonoscopy appt.
I am an 84year old widow with no children and not in the best of health. I am lucky enough to have a nice little bungalow with cash in the bank so no money worries. I have a neice who keeps in touch in a dutifull way but she is a high flying civil servant with a partner and leads a busy life. No children by choice. We do not see much of each other but talk occasionally by phone.
I have a friend who is in her early 60s. She has a husband who I really don't care for much and 2 grown up children and 4 grand children. I have known her for 40 years and we have always been in touch and since my husband died 12 years ago she has been kind to me always eg always (until recently when they decided to have a cruise at Christmas) inviting me for lunch on Christmases and allowing me to enjoy her grandchildren when they visit with her. I love her like a daughter.
They have lived in the same house for about 35 years so about 2 years ago I moved to be near to her. Imagine my feelings when not long afterwards she told me that they were thinking of moving and it could be anywhere as they wanted a little country cottage. They tried to sell their house but the market was poor and it didn't work out.
I was very upset at the idea and suggested to them that I would make a will leaving my estate to her and also give her power of attorney over my finances. She had already accepted power of attorney over my health when my husband died. I have made the will, the value will be over £400,000 and was in process of doing the P of A. I never said in words but thought I implied that I would like them to stay close to me until I die.
But I am devastated to learn that they are planning to move again and if they find the right property it can be anywhere. I have been fooling myself into the idea that she thinks enough of me to stay put for a while as she knows that this will be crucial to the end of my life.
I am having trouble dealing with the fact that nobody in my life basically give a shit...! And what do I do now? I suppose make a new will leaving everything to animal charities and let a solicitor make a fortune out of selling my property and closing my estate.
At the moment I feel my world has fallen apart. I don't want to talk to her and as we normally talk several times a week she must know that I am very upset.
I should add that I don't make huge demands on her and never have. I am still driving but do have severe health problems and quite honestly am grateful to wake up every morning.

I thought that. "No one basically gives a shit" doesn't sound like the language of an 80yo.

Anyway, that aside, and taking the post at face value, you can't expect a retiring couple to stay nearby to you, in a house / area they don't want to live in, on the off-chance that you'll have some money to leave them. You could spend ten years in a care home and spend every penny you have. And then they'll be too old to follow their own dream.

I’m sorry you are upset but having a child doesn’t guarantee care. I wouldn’t want my DS to mess up years of his life looking after me.

If I end up widowed I have already decided I will probably move to one of those complexes like @SparklyTwinkleGlitter Mum did, sounds ideal, I’m glad she enjoyed her new life it must be very hard to be widowed. My MIL is your age and DH spent 6 weeks caring for her last year when she had an operation and it totally messed our travel plans up as he had just retired early. She isn’t the Mother that cared for me so as much as I said not one word to anyone in real life I was really hacked off.

Three of my friends are currently in the thick of huge elderly parent issues that are totally taking their lives over, one is quite frankly suffering from a bit of depression because of it.

Do you not have other friends? Ones of your own age, social activities?
If you’re totally dependent on this one friend she (and her reluctant husband) may be she’s feeling trapped into a commitment to you, because you’re using your assets to hold onto her.

Look at sheltered housing. I had a neighbour who was like a granny to me and my children. Her son lived some distance away and saw her depending on me more and more (which I couldn’t really afford to physically do). I promised to visit her once moved but as time went I would arrive at her apartment to find her on her way out on a organised trip with others in the complex, or at a neighbour having tea. She was living a great lifestyle and very happy

As for your will, why not leave everything to your friend as promised whether she moves or not. She is still your “daughter”, but if you out live her (it happens) add a clause for the donkey sanctuary, Salvation Army or who ever you choose.

As someone who fled DV and was instantly homeless with a small child, as a result, I really love this idea. It sounds fantastic 🫶

My mum is 84, and wouldn't baulk at such language so I don't think that says anything.

But your point is a fair one, the OP is hoping that the friend and her DH will give up their final good years to care for her on the promise of the £400K

The problem with that is that the £400K will likely evaporate if the OP has to move into care quite quickly, added to this there is always the danger of the OP having a change of heart.

And consider that this couple may not want, or indeed need the OPs £400K - caring for the elderly can be demanding work, it could go on for a decade or more - by which time not only may the £400K have been taken in care costs, if it has not the friend and her DH will be too old to enjoy it.

I echo the suggestion of others that the OP should downsize to a retirement complex with amenities to cut out the loneliness

"No one basically gives a shit" doesn't sound like the language of an 80yo"

Ummm... Yes, it does, they were 40 years old in the 80s..

This ⬆️

But also, you should not have mentioned your Will to her. It could have made her feel uncomfortably manipulated. Previously she has been there out of kindness, but you have changed this dynamic and made a ‘promise’ that comes with conditions. That sets you up for disappointment and for her to feel controlled.

I have a real problem with people who hold others to ransom over inheritances.

I know of someone who gave up 10 years of their retirement to look after a friend, who they then fell out with when they declined a demand of hers, and they were then cut off.

I've a relative of my own with no DC who is now saying they will leave it to my DC, and then gets upset when my teens don't respond to them on social media. I've told them that they aren't tip toeing round this person just for the slim chance of inheriting something in 4 decades time off them. It'll probably go on care home fees, and it is not worth being shackled over.

OP, I'm sorry you feel alone, but this couple have retired and they don't know what is in store for them, and it is their right to go have a good time with their remaining years.

I think YABU, TBH. Your friend has lived in her home for the best part of 40 years. She may find it a bit much to care for now she is in her 60s. She is entitled to go on a cruise at Christmas.Kindly she may feel that she has her own family to care for .Maybe her husbands or her parents arent well.I presume you were at work in previous years ? Maybe some old workmates ,or some sort of Company association may have meetings you could join in ? My friend belongs to U3A and they have lots of outings, talks and so on .May be worth a go .

I also agree with this, but I wouldn’t cut my friend out of the will altogether, I would leave a generous gift.

If you do change the will, I cant decide if you should tell her, especially as you’ve already done so re the will currently. I think I might be minded to, on the basis that your financial situation has changed along with your plans, and you’ve been open before.

I think if I were your friend I would probably want to know. I also think I’d be pleased you were using as much of your money on your last years and making them as comfortable as possible.

I might be a bit relieved as I would have found it a wrench moving from you too, and likely feel guilty especially as you’d moved closer to me. I would also in all honesty not want to use my retirement years as your carer - friend yes of course! I would not want a friend to be my carer, in your shoes I would want friends for the friendship, with my liquidated assets, I would buy professional care.

I would want my friend to enjoy her retirement wherever her dream is. And you will have cash to visit or treat her to travel to visit you that kind of thing.

Hope everything works out for you.

If this is actually real, I'm sorry OP but you sound very manipulative. It was your decision not to have children of your own. You can't simply expect this woman to feel beholden to effectively fulfilling this 'daughter' role now you're in your later years. Does she not have her own elderly parents? Or elderly parents of her husband to factor in?

Moving nearby to them was a very presumptuous move. You can't now use your money to bribe them to stay put - this is insane! They must feel so stressed out by the way you behave towards them.

I'm sorry you feel alone but, in your position, you could move into sheltered accommodation and have a ready-made community around you. Surely this would be a better option than such dependency on this poor woman in her 60s.

I’m sorry you feel this way about your friend and it must feel like they are abandoning you a bit but there’s more to this than you probably realise .

I’m around her age and had to look after an elderly childless Auntie who left me money in her will, so I can give you a perspective from your friends situation and also of my own experience caring for mine and my husbands relatives .

My Auntie who I loved dearly did sadly pass away and it was really hard work towards the end juggling my own life and keeping an eye on her as she still lived at home .
Her health deteriorated so much we had to arrange for her to go in a care home, but we did try everything else first to prevent this . I wasn’t bothered about the money as I knew it would probably go towards her care which rightly so it should do . She was older than you , in her 90s and in very bad health, she wanted to stay in her home but with the care system as it is, and carers not treating her with dignity and respect at home we chose a lovely care home for her and included her when we were looking by showing her photos etc . It was mid priced around £1,600 a week, and we did see some more expensive than that , it’s not cheap .

The reason I’m telling you this is , your friend can see the bigger picture . If you aren’t in good health now the likelihood is she won’t be able to look after you properly and you may need professional help . Sadly as in my Aunties situation , the money you have will be used for your care if you need it later on .

The government are ruthless , they take everything and if you do have anything left inheritance tax is at 40% . They won’t end up with much if anything of the money has to be used for care later on .

Id guess the inheritance money will not be a draw to your friend, they are also at
their age considering the future, their retirement and what’s best for everyone .

Ive also had experience of my own parents affairs and my in laws. All gone now but the pressure of juggling life and caring for them was very very hard .

My advice to you would be to set yourself up to be as comfortable as you can for your future years, with or without your friends help .

Sell your house and buy an assisted living home in a complex . My mum and dad lived in one . They had their own front door , kitchen , living room and bedroom and the option of a social life in the communal areas if they wanted it . There was activities out to gardens, parks the local pub etc . It wasn’t a care or nursing home just somewhere safer to live out their last years .

They have carers on site so if your health deteriorates further it can be arranged they pop in to keep an eye on you and help where it’s needed . No need for all the upheaval again to go into a care home.
My parents made loads of friends there and when mum passed away dad wasn’t lonely.
I popped into them all the time and was such a big pressure off me seeing them in a secure and happy environment.

You don’t need to change your will, just the money you have will be put to good use in the meantime and you will be in control of your life not dependant on your friend .

I really hope you don’t take offence at anything I’ve said or suggested , it’s just I’ve had a lot of experience recently of all this and can see it all from everyone’s point of view . I wish you well and hope whatever you decide to do is the right decision for you .

I also thought this must be a reverse.

You seem to be saying it was unkind of your friend to do on a cruise because it meant you wouldn’t be invited for Xmas. You say you don’t make big demands of your friend but then expected her to stay living close to you and said it’s crucial she stays put for the end of your life. That is far too much to expect from anyone and sounds very selfish.

You are financially independent so have options for care if you need it.

I’m sorry for your situation. I don’t live in the uk but I know of a few retirement communities where I live in Ireland. I’m not sure what the situation is regarding the apartments if you buy or rent them but they are on the grounds of the nursing home, and you can live independently as long as you are fit enough, I think you can move to the nursing home part whenever you’re not as independent.

not sure I’d want to leave anything to your extended family, I don’t like the sound of them, they’ll all be lined up when you leave this world with their hand out though.

I'm sorry that you feel so alone and let down.
However what you want from her is unreasonable. Unless you have a terminal illness, you could live another 10 or even 15 years with supported living. She is in her sixties and you would be expecting her to put her own wishes and dreams on hold and use potentially her last years of good health in which to start her own next stage of life on hold.

Since you moved 2 years ago, what connections have you sought out? What friends of your generation have you seen shift into this stage of life and thought that they have done it well?

Would supported living somewhere near-ish to your niece be the best move for you now? Would your friend and niece help with such a move?

YADNBU 💐
I don’t think words were needed, it’s very obvious what you were very kindly trying to do, and your appreciation was very very generous.

I would definitely change your will and p of a. I think in these circumstances I would leave it to my niece and possibly a cause close to my heart.

You’ve done nothing wrong.

I think it was extremely presumptuous of them to think they would gain such a life changing sum from you, but still bugger off.

They are really taking the piss out of you in my opinion (excuse my language).

I hope you’re ok and my thoughts are with you.

I agree with this. When you love someone their happiness is paramount and it comes with no conditions. Of course it’s sad for you but her choices are her own and should not be at the mercy of someone with money as control. I speak as someone with a ‘daughter’

OP, you don’t like her husband! You don’t want to depend on people you don’t like.

This is time to make some changes. I would contact Age Concern. They can either advise or put you in touch with charities who can offer advice. If I was you I would move into a sheltered flat asap. You can meet people that way and have as much or little alone time as you wish. There are financial organisations who can help plan. You need some advice on building a decent life for the rest of your years. There is help out there and you aren’t alone.

It is not too late. And it’s great you have found out her intentions now. I don’t think she has done anything wrong btw and don’t see the link between the will and her moving away.

You are allowed to feel sad though and I am sorry for that.

You see her as a daughter, she sees you as a friend.

Regardless, I don't want my kids caring for me when I'm old. They have their own life to live. Same for your friend.

I think you've been very selfish in presuming anything.

I felt sad reading your post, as I will be in your position in 24 years. It's a real tough one, you are clearly very close to your friend but leaving her money is no guarantee that she will care for you when you need it.

I think you need an open and honest discussion with her about what you want and what she wants. The move is probably nothing to do with you, just a dream that she can now fulfil.

Your post has really made me think what I will do. Having children so they will look after you is not a good idea in my opinion, and I'm still glad I didn't do that. But there is literally nobody I could give POA to who would not see it as a total bind.

You cant really keep a person living near you by the promise of a large inheritance. But she should have made it clear that she couldn't commit to that. Change your will and leave it to a charity if you've no relatives or other deserving friends. Perhaps some to a local hospice. And I also would withdraw the POA.

I wonder if they are worried that they will feel obliged to be your carer, because you moved near them and then told them about the will?

Anyway, am sorry, I don't think that she doesn't care about you, I just think they have their plans as a family and it doesn't and shouldn't include you if they don't wish it to. I fear you may be driving your friend away. Best thing to me? Sit down and have an honest chat with her and don't ask much of her because although friends lean on each other time to time it shouldn't be the everyday norm.

The OP should have said it was expected - the friend had no idea that there was something for her to say that she couldn’t commit to.

I’m sorry OP that you are alone, but you cannot expect others to build their lives to stop you feeling lonely - and using money as a sweetener is highly manipulative.

YABVVVU

Do you understand what is involved in being an executor? If you own a house or land, or if your estate is large enough that IHT is due non professional executors will need to instruct solicitors anyway.

I don't understand your comment that They're happy for a solicitor to be the executor, so I don't think there will be a lot left over for my cousin's kids to inherit.

Or the OP's

and let a solicitor make a fortune out of selling my property and closing my estate.

That isn't how it works.