Parent with neurodiverse husband is exhausting

[notaurewhatusername]

So I don’t even know where to start with this but I just need to hear from people who might have been through something similar.

My DH is neurodiverse and parenting together has been really really hard. Things have actually improved a lot recently and to be fair to him he has made genuine effort, I can see that. But there are still moments where I just think… am I going mad or is this not okay?

Today is a perfect example. He took our 10 month old DS out to an outdoor shopping area. Before they left I checked the weather, saw it was 6-7 degrees and asked him (nicely, as I always have to) to please make sure DS had his hat, coat and a blanket. He has this thing where he doesn’t like to wrap the baby up and I’ve never really understood it but I’ve just learned to make sure I mention it.

Then it started raining. I called to ask him to put the rain cover on - then realised the pram was still in my car. He hadn’t taken the pram at all. He keeps taking him out for hours at a time without it and carrying him round all day. I then got a photo of my son fast asleep with his face resting on the handlebars of a little balance bike, chin on a box, head flopped forward. He’s 10 months old.

I called, asked if he was getting wet because it was raining by this point, and he got visibly annoyed with me, said he was going and “have a nice day” and hung up.

Like I said things have improved and I don’t want to be unfair to DH because the effort is there. But it’s still so hard and I feel so alone in it sometimes.

Has anyone else parented with a neurodiverse partner? Any tips or experiences? How do you navigate the safety stuff without it turning into a huge conflict?

Well if you parented like the OP’s DH that is no thanks to you. But I suspect you didn’t and wouldn’t.

Looks like the dad has joined the thread.

@notaurewhatusername is not being controlling. The dad is being a twat.

DH has ADHD tendances. When DD was little we had a post it note stuck by the front door so that he didn't forget anything when taking DD to school.

I think a 10 month old can survive being carried by his father, having cows milk once a week and having a photo taken on a balance bike.

Controlling hysteria such as in your posts and others are what is likely to cause damage.

I think you enjoy coming onto threads, saying completely outlier contrarian digs at the OP, picking one minor detail in a much larger pattern of behaviour that has been extremely well described and nit picking that instead of offering anything that could pass as helpful for her to carry forward in her life.

The OP has one child with this man currently and it is soul destroying for her, having more children with him will magnify these problems enormously and unlike you I firmly believe he is a neglectful incompetent parent. Youve attempted to land his incompetence at the hands of the OP.

Posts such as those from yourself are unhelpfully full of hysteria.

Many many parents choose not to use prams. They are a nightmare in shopping centres. There is nothing wrong with carrying or using a sling with a 10 month old or with a 10 month old having milk once a week .

Nobody in child protection would give either a second thought and actually the constant watching and criticism if given to a mother would be seen as controlling.

Maybe the op should learn to try and parent with the father of her child, criticise less and give/ take a bit more. My way or the highway and constant criticism is never a good environment for any child.

Obviously you are only giving a snapshot here...

Firstly, please don't tar all ND people with this brush. I have ADHD and still remember the buggy and the changing bag, etc. Is your DH actually diagnosed?

Secondly, I think there's a 'bit of both', here. You sound like you have very different parenting styles and things like milk once a week are really not a big deal. Also the 'one extra layer' thing is not a hard and fast rule.

I do not understand how someone can 'forget' to take out a buggy tbh. He is clearly making a conscious decision to carry your DS. I'm not convinced this is an ND thing. I'd read him the riot act on safety issues, does he actually allow him to get cold and wet?

I think OP is being gaslit a bit here

Its all very well people saying they or their partner is ND and wouldnt do this or that and name calling him. Not all ND people are the same but there are some shared traits and features

The reality is, that many features and issues within ND leads to lack of empathy, rigid black and white thinking, a reluctance/incapacity to learn, not seeing a person as a person, lack of insight etc etc and this is particularly pertinent to children.

So while its great all these posters with husbands or themselves didnt do this or that type of parenting, OPs husband is doing parenting badly and highly likely linked to his ND

The key issue here is that due to that condition, he will not change. He wont take on board new information, everything will be a battle and a fight, he wont interpret information the way it needs to be taken in and will argue that he is right.

This makes him controlling and neglectful even if he doesnt mean to be, in fact he probably has little concept of that. And perhaps doesnt even care

Either he gets specialist social learning type counselling focused for people with ND (and he would have to want that and work with it and be genuine about that) or its the end of the road for the relationship and OP needs to leave.

Good luck OP

Just stop it. The dad is an incompetent twat.

The OP is not being hysterical or controlling. She has justifiable worries.

Stop gaslighting her. You are sounding very like her useless sperm donor in your posts.

She really does not.

I can’t quite get my head around the logistics of the balance bike incident, aren’t they for more mobile older children to move around on, not a 10 month old who can’t walk or balance themselves on it yet? Not sure how a 10 month old could stay upright and balanced at the same time anyway as falling asleep, unless the dp was holding or propping the balance bike up for a while and dc nodded off?

In any case, I’m imagining a 10 month old falling asleep on some kind of bike or trike, and their head slumping forwards like they do when in a car seat or something? The baby’s head and neck extended so far forwards that his head rested on the bike handlebars - and your dh didn’t correct the situation - he got a BOX and propped dc’s head up on that to try and support it instead? Then obviously thought it was funny and a photo op so sent you a pic? That was his reaction? Sorry op that’s incredibly worrying and I’m ND and so is my dh, that’s not a ND parenting thing, that’s an idiotic and neglectful parenting thing.

Huge amount of ignorance re ND there.

“The reality is, that many features and issues within ND leads to lack of empathy, rigid black and white thinking, a reluctance/incapacity to learn, not seeing a person as a person, lack of insight etc etc and this is particularly pertinent to children.“

Its a myth that ND lack empathy and as for a reluctance to learn, not seeing a person as a person etc, lack of insight it’s all bonkers and untrue.

Many ND people have empathy, some too much, ditto insight etc. Reluctance to learn just isn’t true. Autistic children and adults absolutely can change and do…..

I could go on.

There is literally zero research into the impact on children of having autistic parents, so you should be more careful about who you call ignorant.

The vast majority of the parent client group that I work with are ND and there are common features in supporting them to be better parents.

Not all ND clients are the same but the condition is a social communication processsing disorder. Within that there are some common traits that are shared by most with the condition. It shows itself in a myriad of ways, the features I mentioned are very common and pose huge barriers to the client and those around them. Its why its a disability, its not a superpower

ND varies hugely and ND people
are often hugely insightful and empathetic often understanding the needs of ND more than others which as it can be hereditary is hugely important. So yes to write off the skills of ND people
is massively ignorant and offensive.

It may well be a disability but what you wrote was incorrect and hugely offensive with sweeping incorrect statements as fact . I too work in the field. You really shouldn’t be working with anybody who has ND and at the very least need to update your knowledge.

ND is not 'hereditary' the current working theory is that its genetic

They are not the same thing.

No one is writing off the skills of 'ND people'

In this particular thread, OPs husband is ND, it is pertinent to his skills and abilities. He sounds lacking in insight, lacking in empathy for the child, black and white, rigid thinking.

Therefore it is relevant to talk about in that context.

The issue remains regardless, OP needs to feel confident in his abilities and if she isnt, she needs to leave.

Only if she is being reasonable which she isn’t. Milk once a week and carrying a 10 month old as opposed to a pram in a busy shopping centre is fine.

Op sounds pretty black and white in thinking herself.

I think people have got caught up in the milk and the carrying around

I dont think milk once a week is an issue, the issue is he doesnt understand or wont acknowlege the difference between cows milk and formulae, doesnt care or doesnt believe they are different

Carrying him around, not really an issue but its borne out of either not remembering the buggy/poor executive functioning around that and/or cant be bothered to get things ready properly, not really understanding what is needed for a day out.

I personally think a buggy is positive for the child as they get to see whats going on around them, I dont think carrying them around gives them that opportunity. Perhaps he doesnt recognise that or even care. That would concern me.

Weaponised incompetence as mentioned by another poster, it’s very “leave me alone or do it yourself”. That isn’t being a team and parents really need to be. ND people can sometimes find that more challenging but you have been nice enough about it! Please don’t let him make you feel you are in the wrong.

I can think of other things that would concern me far, far more and as for seeing, you can see far more if carried. Trust me as the parent of adults these are not things I’d ditch the father of my children for. It’s ludicrous.

Plenty of mothers and fathers with ADHD forget things- it does not make you a bad parent.Parenting is a whole lot more than that.

You are absolutely determined that you are right and everyone else is wrong. Has it ever occurred to you that when your opinion is the minority that you might be wrong?

The dad won't listen to constructive advice. The milk and the pram is part of much bigger picture which you are refusing to see.

Question is, what are you going to do about it?

It is a big deal if a ten month old has nowhere to nap because his father couldn’t be arsed to take the pram.

Since when was it a crime for a baby to sleep in its parents arms ? We have no idea how long he was there for anyway.

To be fair, you have own goaled there as youve said there is no evidence to support you writing off all ND people from being parents. So no, I'm happy with my initial assessment thanks.