Parent with neurodiverse husband is exhausting

[notaurewhatusername]

So I don’t even know where to start with this but I just need to hear from people who might have been through something similar.

My DH is neurodiverse and parenting together has been really really hard. Things have actually improved a lot recently and to be fair to him he has made genuine effort, I can see that. But there are still moments where I just think… am I going mad or is this not okay?

Today is a perfect example. He took our 10 month old DS out to an outdoor shopping area. Before they left I checked the weather, saw it was 6-7 degrees and asked him (nicely, as I always have to) to please make sure DS had his hat, coat and a blanket. He has this thing where he doesn’t like to wrap the baby up and I’ve never really understood it but I’ve just learned to make sure I mention it.

Then it started raining. I called to ask him to put the rain cover on - then realised the pram was still in my car. He hadn’t taken the pram at all. He keeps taking him out for hours at a time without it and carrying him round all day. I then got a photo of my son fast asleep with his face resting on the handlebars of a little balance bike, chin on a box, head flopped forward. He’s 10 months old.

I called, asked if he was getting wet because it was raining by this point, and he got visibly annoyed with me, said he was going and “have a nice day” and hung up.

Like I said things have improved and I don’t want to be unfair to DH because the effort is there. But it’s still so hard and I feel so alone in it sometimes.

Has anyone else parented with a neurodiverse partner? Any tips or experiences? How do you navigate the safety stuff without it turning into a huge conflict?

This is Kinder craft - do you mean something like this? That's an age appropriate alternative to a pushchair, though they can usually be reclined a bit for naps.

Autistic women do not try to fit in. Autism varies hugely in how it presents across both sexed. Girls can camouflage it more in social situations which is different, many don’t.I have girls and boys with it. My girls actually were far harder to handle than my boys at home.

I have displayed empathy- towards the father. Doesn’t sound as if he can do anything right.

Yep. I used to think I'd get less grief if I'd had an affair with his best friend.*
Absolutely walking on eggshells all the time.
A grown man having a meltdown is very frightening.

*not that I did!! Just how I felt.

OP should get rid of her dh ASAP.

So guessing male partners should just dump their female partners with autism too. Meltdowns can be difficult whichever sex displays them. That said NT partners can display all sorts of difficult behaviours.

I honestly thought this would be a sensible parent (like my own autistic DH) who’s struggling to parent because their ND makes it hard to see problems and understand what’s happening.
Not a totally useless dad. He is beyond help. He’s either maintaining a line of stress for you to pick up, or he’s just utterly useless at being a dad. Seriously, he needs to grow up before you end up with two babies.

Men are the physically stronger sex.

THAT'S the difference. Most know the average man is stronger than the average woman.

If a toddler behaved like my ex, it would not be scary. If another woman behaved like my ex it wouldn't be as scary. Though disconcerting, of course.

(I don't know why I'm saying this - it's so bloody obviously true but there you go.)

And of course NT men can be difficult but what's that got to do with it?
The amount of stress involved in not being able to even predict what will send an autistic male into a meltdown is off the charts.
Screaming over a pint of milk being not on the shelf he expected. Ffs.

Men with autism differ massively.Many won’t have meltdowns and for some a meltdown will be just going mute and retreating. Some men are more likely to handle stress better by retreating and engaging in special interests more as opposed to camouflaging. Many men with autism are highly anxious and gentle- my sons included. Considering women camouflage in public more,meltdowns are probably more likely for many women. And trust me I’ve seen meltdowns in women and girls, they’re just as scary.

Men with autism do not differ massively, they have key traits in common which can unfortunately have detrimental effects on those around them.
I feel like I'm derailing this now so I'll stop posting on this thread.

Of course they differ massively- it’s a huge spectrum and differs greatly in how it presents with everybody. Several people have it in my family and the 3 men with it couldn’t be more different to each other from presentation, difficulties to services they use.

Also those with the most challenging presentation and higher use of services have been women.

That sounds exhausting.

@notaurewhatusername I'm sorry your thread has been completely derailed by certain posters with a point to prove.

Please keep posting if you need support. The way your DH is behaving and treating you isn't acceptable, ND or no ND.

@Cryingatthegymthank you. I don’t believe all of his behaviour is ND but I think a lot is. I think he is high functioning ND.

another example, I’m giving these so people can understand a little more.

he will not read to DC. When I asked why he said it’s pointless and silly he’s too young. A family member who works in education told him how important it is and he still said he doesn’t think it’s necessary at this age 😕

I don’t know if it’s arrogance or ND or both. But I’m exhausted

Its just that fixed rigid thinking and again, for the hard of understanding the sheer lack of ability to consider the child as a separate human with needs and requirements. Lack of theory of mind as outlined above. Having bizarre or unusual beliefs and interpretations of social mores, social norms and usual interactions. These are not uncommon.

Unless he recognises this and does some work around it, I think you're either going to be driven completely mad or have to leave him OP

Reading to children is important, but probably not at 10 months. This really isn't a hill I'd die on.

I think you do just have to agree to disagree on some of the petty stuff, let him parent his own way.
The actual health/safety stuff is where you need to stand your ground.

If he didn't feel criticised on minor things like rain covers and stories, do you think he would be more likely to discuss safety issues?

@marcyhermiti hear you and I agree but it’s all of these things mounted together - it’s just a lot to deal with.

Again with missing the bigger picture, its about the engagement. Reading to children isnt about the 'reading' per se, its about the parent child interaction/interplay, language development, intonation, bedtime routine, intimacy. He clearly cannot recognise that, understand it, care about it.

There used to be plenty of evidence that reading to/with children at every age is important. Its obvious that gor this man all things child related are seen as too much or unnecessary “work” that he chooses to tefuse rather than an act of nurture and love that he chooses to do. He is an emotional miser.

Many, many parents are not reading to 10 month old babies.
The OP hasn't said dad doesn't interact with the baby, in fact it sounds like the opposite, he takes him out often and likes to carry him around.
The more the OP posts, the more it sounds like parenting differences to me.

He interacts on his terms doesnt he.

Again, child not really understood or centred. No comprehension or insight I would wager.

If he's like my ex with a PDA profile, he won't ever read to his child now, because you suggested it. He will refuse any request you make, however small or reasonable. He needs total autonomy. And if he's at all stressed (which he will be now he's a dad) the need for autonomy and control will get worse.
He cannot co-operate so it's impossible to co-parent with him. It's torture. You need to split up, or you will get ill ... mentally and physically.
Best of luck. The relief you will feel if you break up will be wonderful. And he will be happier too!

Sounds like my ex, he’s not ND just a shit neglectful dad. Used to do stuff like this all to time just to get at me.

So he hasn’t actually got a ND diagnosis.

I am a ND parent that always read to my dc but hated “playing”. Reading wasn’t my husband’s bag until older,he did the more active fun stuff often coming home at lunch time to give me a break when babies . He had the patience to play.We have different parenting styles which complement each other and the things he is good at have been hugely useful over the years. I was the more anxious type of parent, he was more chilled. As the kids have grown up, they’ve needed
both throughout and now as adults they comment on how they value both.

Reading to children is important, but probably not at 10 months

What! Of course it is. It's crucial for their language and development. But again, you're willfully missing the point. The OP is giving another example of where her DH has rigid thinking and refuses to do the right thing for his child because be believes he knows best, despite evidence of the contrary.

@notaurewhatusername - the refusing to read thing is another thing my exH did too. When I stopped contact recently for all the reasons mentioned above, reception aged DS's teacher commented within a couple of weeks how rapidly his reading had improved.

There's parenting differently, and there's purposefully not doing the right thing for your child because being right or doing things your own way is more important to you.

But it’s not crucial at 10 months and they don’t need 2 parents doing it. It’s not a badge you get to be a good parent. He probably excels at other things she might not. You can’t and shouldn’t make 2 parents carbon copies of each other but value the strengths each other has. Bullying another parent into doing everything your way and constant negativity isn’t healthy.