Parent with neurodiverse husband is exhausting

[notaurewhatusername]

So I don’t even know where to start with this but I just need to hear from people who might have been through something similar.

My DH is neurodiverse and parenting together has been really really hard. Things have actually improved a lot recently and to be fair to him he has made genuine effort, I can see that. But there are still moments where I just think… am I going mad or is this not okay?

Today is a perfect example. He took our 10 month old DS out to an outdoor shopping area. Before they left I checked the weather, saw it was 6-7 degrees and asked him (nicely, as I always have to) to please make sure DS had his hat, coat and a blanket. He has this thing where he doesn’t like to wrap the baby up and I’ve never really understood it but I’ve just learned to make sure I mention it.

Then it started raining. I called to ask him to put the rain cover on - then realised the pram was still in my car. He hadn’t taken the pram at all. He keeps taking him out for hours at a time without it and carrying him round all day. I then got a photo of my son fast asleep with his face resting on the handlebars of a little balance bike, chin on a box, head flopped forward. He’s 10 months old.

I called, asked if he was getting wet because it was raining by this point, and he got visibly annoyed with me, said he was going and “have a nice day” and hung up.

Like I said things have improved and I don’t want to be unfair to DH because the effort is there. But it’s still so hard and I feel so alone in it sometimes.

Has anyone else parented with a neurodiverse partner? Any tips or experiences? How do you navigate the safety stuff without it turning into a huge conflict?

People have parented in millions of ways over history and across the world. Most babies are carried around you don’t see them pushing prams across the Sahara desert do you. You are micro managing him so you are naturally getting a defiant response in return how would you like it if he kept telling you what to do.

Well tbh cows milk once a week won't hurt the child
formula is recommended instead as a main drink due to the fact it contains more iron etc but cows milk isn't dangerous

Eh actually cows milk is dangerous for under 1’s. It can cause kidney damage.

Where on earth do you get that from?

And if that's the case the majority of over 30s will have kidney damage as it was common place to give cows milk after 6 months

What has he been diagnosed with? It doesn't sound like neurodivergence to me.

I can see both sides to some extent. I don’t understand how he was on a balance bike if he can’t walk? Was it more like a push along trike? I have taken photos of my son asleep in funny places so I don’t think that’s an issue itself, obviously depends if he then left him there. Although I can’t see how you could leave them asleep on a balance bike as they’d just fall over. If he left him in an unsafe sleep situation that’s obviously not ok,

It sounds like you are micromanaging him massively around the rain cover, extra layers etc. Also if he wants to carry him rather than use the pushchair that’s up to him. I would be annoyed if my partner rang me to check in on me such an extent.

However YANBU around the formula / cows milk issue.

Nd is a massive red herring here.

he’s just a prick.

I think you maybe need to relax a bit. There's a lot of moralistic Science over the right way to bring up a baby that a lot of parents of a particular sort (particularly first-time parents) stress over far too much. Much of it is bollocks that will be superceded in a decade anyway, and even a lot of the stuff that is right probably doesn't make a very big difference in the grand scheme of things.

Prams I think exist primarily for parental convenience, not for the child's wellbeing. I personally wouldn't want to be lugging a 10-month-old round in my arms for hours, but if your DH is fine with that, that's his prerogative.

Why do you feel the need to be so controlling? If your DH is happy to carry his son round all day, leave him to it!

He’s not wrong though. Clearly the cows milk didn’t do your DC any harm or else you would have noticed. What do you think formula milk is made from? It’s a UPF made from cows milk!

Do you think op is complaining solely about the dh carrying the child, or the other things?

None sound worry of hysteria and the list alongside obsessive monitoring sound somewhat controlling.

And yet you still thought it sounded like a good idea to have a child with him? Honestly what did you expect.

It can be really difficult to watch somebody else manage your child differently to you and his attitude when addressing your concerns does not sound good. However, I don't see what he is doing as being particularly bad. Carrying baby is way better for them than using prams/buggies - they are for the parents convenience not the childs benefit. There are loads of benefits including much greater sensory input/person to person contact, good for gross motor skills, they see and learn way more etc I looked into it a lot as my baby hated pram until around 6 months - yes I used carriers but definitely not all of the time. At 10 months we still had to carry her loads. She also was difficult to get to sleep but then would sleep in surprising places especially out and about and getting plenty of sensory input. They just won't go to sleep if they are in pain or uncomfortable (unless it is an incredibly easy going baby which I don't have experience of to be fair).As she was so fussy I ended up loosely following the Possums/Pamela Douglus approach - which basically says the baby will sleep when they are tired. And that you need very few products/contraptions to take care of a baby. Not sure how the baby fell asleep on a balance bike though at the same time! Those push along trikes my daughter would fall asleep on sometimes and it never looked comfortable (and probably raised a few eyebrows as I tried to get her home) but she is an expressive person and would let me know when she is unhappy. I wouldn't have given her milk as a drink due to the advice but cooked plenty with it. It would not be something I could get myself worked up about as the advice changes all the time.

Aye, it shouldnt a babys main drink until 12 months, but in small quantities/now and again its fine.

Have you kids? If you think the husband’s standard of parenting meets a basic parenting threshold then I would be concerned for them. Neglect is a form of abusive parenting and overall he is neglectful. If you would parent the same way then you too would be a neglectful parent.

I don't know whether he has a diagnosis of PDA, ODD, something else or is just really contrary but it is so difficult dealing with someone who won't do anything you ask them to do.

My guess is prior to baby's arrival OP had ways of making requests or just massively compromising so that he didn't kick off. Now baby has specific needs that have to be tended to and tiptoeing around DH's feelings isn't working anymore.

If it's the kind of balance trike that transforms and has a handle for pushing then taking a 10 month out on it is probably ok. Propping their head up with a box is bizarre and unsafe. If he loves carrying DS so much, why wouldn't he pick him up if he's asleep?

I have a 10 month old and don't always put the rain cover on if it's a short journey but I have a footmuff on the pram so baby is warm and dry.

He sounds like a prick and because you were used to giving in and making your needs smaller you didn't realise how much you were being controlled by him. Individual actions might be ok on their own but they're part of a pattern of disrespect.

But being part of a relationship does not mean one parent continuously has to do what the other wants them to do.

Re the balance bike. I doubt very much he decided to take a balance bike with him and balance a 10 month old on it all day. It was surely a photo op. Big deal. People take pics of their babies on all sorts of things.

Don’t be ridiculous. I have several children that have all made it to adulthood.

He sounds exhausting OP. Why have you stuck being with him? You know there are easier men to be with?

This sounds exactly like my ex husband when our DC were little, right down to the gaslighting and refusing to change or take my concerns on board.

He would frequently take them out in inadequate clothes/shoes, let tiny toddling DC wander around car parks/across roads and expect cars to just stop for them, take them in cars without car seats, leave them unattended in the bath, not wash/feed them properly, told me there was no point cleaning their teeth as they were just going to fall out anyway etc etc.

He once left our newborn son at home alone while he went to the shop, and actually suggested to me (by text thankfully so I have evidence!) leaving the baby and toddler home alone for 10 minutes before I got back from somewhere so he could make an appointment on time. There's probably much more that I've forgotten.

I left him eventually (for being abusive) and I've now ended up stopping contact because they were repeatedly coming home filthy, smelly and covered in injuries and bruises and, as I found out, being left unsupervised in public.

I agree @notaurewhatusername this is neglect and it'll only get worse. You might as well be banging your head against a brick wall trying to get him to listen to you and put your DC's needs first.

Of course one parent doesn't continuously have to do what the other parent wants them to do but they should listen and be willing to do some things that they ask, particularly when it's something like don't let the baby get cold.

As for the balance bike I'm imagining something like this that can be used in lieu of a pram because I don't understand the logistics of propping a baby's head up with a box while sleeping if it's more of a bike styled one but OP can probably clarify later.

That isn’t a balance bike.

Nah my husbands autistic and it presets parenting challenges but he definitely wouldn't do this.

https://www.babipur.co.uk/products/early-rider-lite-kids-wooden-balance-bike?srsltid=AfmBOoptlG6-CeJ3kWujnOAGb6er-BuQXE_1Xc6S_1wACYOABXmenq8A

That is a balance bike.