Parent with neurodiverse husband is exhausting

[notaurewhatusername]

So I don’t even know where to start with this but I just need to hear from people who might have been through something similar.

My DH is neurodiverse and parenting together has been really really hard. Things have actually improved a lot recently and to be fair to him he has made genuine effort, I can see that. But there are still moments where I just think… am I going mad or is this not okay?

Today is a perfect example. He took our 10 month old DS out to an outdoor shopping area. Before they left I checked the weather, saw it was 6-7 degrees and asked him (nicely, as I always have to) to please make sure DS had his hat, coat and a blanket. He has this thing where he doesn’t like to wrap the baby up and I’ve never really understood it but I’ve just learned to make sure I mention it.

Then it started raining. I called to ask him to put the rain cover on - then realised the pram was still in my car. He hadn’t taken the pram at all. He keeps taking him out for hours at a time without it and carrying him round all day. I then got a photo of my son fast asleep with his face resting on the handlebars of a little balance bike, chin on a box, head flopped forward. He’s 10 months old.

I called, asked if he was getting wet because it was raining by this point, and he got visibly annoyed with me, said he was going and “have a nice day” and hung up.

Like I said things have improved and I don’t want to be unfair to DH because the effort is there. But it’s still so hard and I feel so alone in it sometimes.

Has anyone else parented with a neurodiverse partner? Any tips or experiences? How do you navigate the safety stuff without it turning into a huge conflict?

What’s wrong with this? You know in most of the world people don’t have access to prams - it’s perfectly okay to carry a baby around! A pram is not a necessity.

Is DH riding a bike with the baby unprotected from a fall? Apologies if I’ve misunderstood. It sounds awful.

DHs attitude to you is unacceptable

This is not okay. He needs to be able to accept your directions on how to effectively parent otherwise this will not work. He needs to accept that he doesn't know everything about caring for a baby and that he needs to be able to accept criticism and change his behaviour accordingly in the best interests of your baby. If he can't do that then he can't be trusted to take your DC out independently at the moment.

DH is ND and manages perfectly well because he wanted to be a good parent, so learnt how to look after younger children in his family from his Mum long before we had kids. He has been the main carer for DC1 as a baby of 7 months+ when I went back to work, then all 3 of our kids when we swapped over roles again when DC3 was 10 months old. Your DH can learn and develop these skills, but he has to be willing and open to learning.

@Choconuttolatayh he won’t be told. Very rarely anything I ask of him his default response is if I don’t like how he’s doing it I can do it myself. It’s exhausting.

he then accuses me of spoiling his time of being a father! He’s said this a few times. It is gaslighting and controlling I think.

Gosh this is nothing to do with him being ND! And actually a little insulting to us ND parents who parent without doing stupid shit. He’s just a bit of rubbish dad OP, don’t make excuses for him please

While shopping? In the rain? Then putting a baby down on bike handlebars?

But how he has resigned to saying he will just do as I say in most things

Yes worldwide in comfy slings or purpose made carriers, even just cloth wrapping slings, with babies appropriately wrapped up for the weather, not just going about your day like before a baby was born just carrying the baby around for hours and hours at a time with no place for the baby to sleep.

You omit the lack of proper clothing and placing a sleeping baby in a vulnerable position. What would happen if DH needed to put the baby down? Your response is highly reductive and doesn’t acknowledge the full picture

🤷 Why are you together? He's just a twat, basically 🤷

Or parenting classes. DS is also on the spectrum as well as DH and both of us have done lots of them, your DH needs to accept that he has not the first clue about baby care and actually learn. There are books, parenting sites. He is behaving arrogantly about something he is incredibly weak in but his real weakness is his intransigence about when he is actually told the right thing to do he resists it.

Your expectations of your h are shockingly low. He’s not doing this because he’s Nd, he is a neglectful parent.

What do you think will happen once ds can say that he’s wet/uncomfortable etc? It sounds very likely that your h will tell him not to ruin the day and train ds over time to not talk to his dad and risk a reaction.

This. 100%.
Serious conversation needed, and if that doesn’t work, he’s got to go. You have to protect your baby.

My DH has ADHD and sometimes he does things like forgets things and leaves them in the car which is annoying (especially when it’s the nappy bag) but it’s not endangering the kids. They won’t get hurt while he runs back to the car, they won’t die without snacks. There’s a difference between ADHD/neurodiversity and being incompetent. The first can be mildly annoying, but can’t be helped. Incompetence (I think weaponised incompetence) is neglectful.

Mine was the exact same, @notaurewhatusername. The exact same. Refused 'on principle' it felt at times to take anything on board about how to look after our DD, was resentful of me having to gently suggest/signpost re safe baby wearing, car seats, weaning, clothing, prams...sleep, basically absolutely anything to do with the care of our daughter.
I left. Before she was 2. We're on our way to court. I only hope I can protect her from his attitude. He's ND, but he's also a nasty bully.

@GreenCaterpillarOnALeafoh wow that’s another issue we have. He leaves nappy bag coats hats in the car every time. I didn’t realise this was ND! It pissed me off so bad

I agree with a lot of the posts here. I don't think it's an ND thing - he's a shit parent and unwilling to learn and he's arrogant and thinks he knows best.

Very tricky situation for you. IF he's not violent - then I would have an almighty conversation with him and lay it out plainly - that your baby has to be fed, clothed and carried correctly depending on age and weather.
He needs to be safe.
this is only going to get worse as you cross the many different parenting issues as your DC grows.

I think you have to either lay down the law, make his life hell unless he listens to you now or potentially leave him.

I wouldn’t be letting him take baby out alone, he is clearly not making safe decisions.

I have a 9 month old (dc3) and my husband didn’t really look after any of them til 18 months plus. It’s not ideal but at least I knew they were safe with me

This isn’t anything to do with neurodiversity, sorry. My husband is autistic and was brilliant when my children were babies. The only difference we noticed was that he got less upset by crying than I did. He didn’t tend to think they were crying at him, but because of something which he would try to fix, whereas I would get upset by it.

Is he propping the baby up on the balance bike while it sleeps? If yes, he’ll have a back ache later. If no, that’s dangerous, as the baby can easily fall off. Your DH sound like blooming hard work.

Where did the bike come from?
Did he buy a balance bike for a non-walking 10 month old so he could sleep?

I don't think the carrying him around is necessarily a problem but balancing him somewhere to sleep is just so odd, even a child wouldn't do that.
It's not an ND thing though, maybe arrogance and wanting to make a point of not doing things your way?

Yeah thats not ND its just being an idiot and not caring for his child well being.

Would dh wear a sling or baby carrier?

So? He’ll have sore arms. It’s not hurting him to be carried.

of you think he will put DS in danger then mention it. If not leave it. Some of this is micro managing some of it keeping DS safe. You need to differentiate

What?

My ND husband gets overwhelmed and overstimulated very easily and has to take himself off to be alone and block out the sheer noise of parenting fairly often. There have been times he’s been a bit terse when he feels like he’s been putting a lot of effort into parenting and I’ve asked for extra when he’s reached his limit. Your DH behaviour sounds manipulative, that’s something else and I wouldn’t like it at all.