Parent with neurodiverse husband is exhausting

[notaurewhatusername]

So I don’t even know where to start with this but I just need to hear from people who might have been through something similar.

My DH is neurodiverse and parenting together has been really really hard. Things have actually improved a lot recently and to be fair to him he has made genuine effort, I can see that. But there are still moments where I just think… am I going mad or is this not okay?

Today is a perfect example. He took our 10 month old DS out to an outdoor shopping area. Before they left I checked the weather, saw it was 6-7 degrees and asked him (nicely, as I always have to) to please make sure DS had his hat, coat and a blanket. He has this thing where he doesn’t like to wrap the baby up and I’ve never really understood it but I’ve just learned to make sure I mention it.

Then it started raining. I called to ask him to put the rain cover on - then realised the pram was still in my car. He hadn’t taken the pram at all. He keeps taking him out for hours at a time without it and carrying him round all day. I then got a photo of my son fast asleep with his face resting on the handlebars of a little balance bike, chin on a box, head flopped forward. He’s 10 months old.

I called, asked if he was getting wet because it was raining by this point, and he got visibly annoyed with me, said he was going and “have a nice day” and hung up.

Like I said things have improved and I don’t want to be unfair to DH because the effort is there. But it’s still so hard and I feel so alone in it sometimes.

Has anyone else parented with a neurodiverse partner? Any tips or experiences? How do you navigate the safety stuff without it turning into a huge conflict?

@Delan3y you seem just like the OP's husband with your rigidity of thinking, inability to empathise or consider other perspectives, and need to be right at all costs. I'm not sure what you think you're adding to this thread at all.

Those of us who understand and are trying to support the OP have parented and co-parented with someone like her husband and have experienced the resulting detriment to our children and ourselves.

@notaurewhatusername if I were you I'd start a new thread, honestly.

I’d say right back at you.

My stbxh I suspect is autistic and he was shockingly bad at recognising dangers. He literally tried to sit dd on a wall for a photo that had a sheer drop on the other side into the Thames. She was two and wriggling and if I hadn’t looked up I dread to think. He’s ex now for a reason and currently has supervised visits due to mental health reasons. I’m so grateful for this because all they’re primary age now I would be terrified when he takes them out alone with all the incidences down the years

Has he self diagnosed ND after watching reels on Instagram of people forgetting to turn off the lights and he went "omg this is so me, I'm so ADHD"?

Honestly he just sounds like an absolute asshole, in everything you've written there is not a single thing that indicates ND, but loads of things that indicate him being a twat.

The main thing I am getting from this thread is that when you have met one person with autism, you have seen just one aspect of it.

A couple of posters on this thread defending the husband are demonstrating their rigidity of thinking and inability to see the bigger picture, and other posters have shown from their experiences just how different their partners/ex partners are with their children.

It isn't fair or right to minimise the OP's justifiable concerns. @notaurewhatusername you need to ignore these posters who are projecting their own issues because they aren't the same as yours and are totally irrelevant to your situation.

Exactly this. I’d he’s every ill he will forget to give him medications. He refuses to cream him even when he had dry patches and was advised by doctor. The list goes on…

he thinks he knows best and THATS the issue. It becomes at the detriment of our child. or in my opinion it does

and someone mentioned him doing things he does. He does good amount of looking after baby (I still do lions share. If baby is ill no way is he taking time off work for example or if nursery closes). But mornings and weekends he is there if I need to do something for example he will look after DC

he is good in some areas it’s not all terrible - bath time for example he’s great at and does that most days.

His own NDiversity may he a reason, but it's not an EXCUSE. Babies basic needs trumps adult ones, and your baby isn't having his comfort levels met the poor thing. I know men with kids who are ND and it has made them if anything more carefully caring and anxious to "get it right", which can he infuriating for their partners at times as they look to them to tell them what's right, but once it's learned it's there.

Your DH is showing its willful by reacting the way he did when you brought it up. Just outrageous tbh.

Someone with a neuro development issue doesn't care about neuro development and child development??? Wow...he is appalling and frankly lacking ...particularly when he demands you accommodate his poor effort weaponising his ND? He just sounds lazy and manipulative