Parent with neurodiverse husband is exhausting

[notaurewhatusername]

So I don’t even know where to start with this but I just need to hear from people who might have been through something similar.

My DH is neurodiverse and parenting together has been really really hard. Things have actually improved a lot recently and to be fair to him he has made genuine effort, I can see that. But there are still moments where I just think… am I going mad or is this not okay?

Today is a perfect example. He took our 10 month old DS out to an outdoor shopping area. Before they left I checked the weather, saw it was 6-7 degrees and asked him (nicely, as I always have to) to please make sure DS had his hat, coat and a blanket. He has this thing where he doesn’t like to wrap the baby up and I’ve never really understood it but I’ve just learned to make sure I mention it.

Then it started raining. I called to ask him to put the rain cover on - then realised the pram was still in my car. He hadn’t taken the pram at all. He keeps taking him out for hours at a time without it and carrying him round all day. I then got a photo of my son fast asleep with his face resting on the handlebars of a little balance bike, chin on a box, head flopped forward. He’s 10 months old.

I called, asked if he was getting wet because it was raining by this point, and he got visibly annoyed with me, said he was going and “have a nice day” and hung up.

Like I said things have improved and I don’t want to be unfair to DH because the effort is there. But it’s still so hard and I feel so alone in it sometimes.

Has anyone else parented with a neurodiverse partner? Any tips or experiences? How do you navigate the safety stuff without it turning into a huge conflict?

Please will you stop conflating your husband's neurodiversity* with his shit parenting. It is, as PP have said, offensive to those of us who are ND and not shit parents.

*please also stop describing him as though all flavours of neurodiversity have the same symptoms. You clearly don't know how the condition manifests itself and what is a reasonable expectation.

It must be an enormously stressful situation. You have choices about how you proceed, neither of which are easy, only one of which is safe for your baby.

Are you ND too?

Nope

Well she does know how his condition manifests itself, she's living with it and sees and experiences it every day. She has given a number of examples here.

he often used to call me mental and stupid (I’ve hurled insults at him too but never anything personal maybe prick or similar when he really makes me mad or is mean to me) and weaponise me because of my hormones or mental health. It’s almost like he wants to keep me down mentally for some strange reason or genuinely may even believe these things

This is classic abuse OP.

It absolutely is classic abuse but I’m sure the posters who could not see anything remotely wrong with his obviously neglectful behaviour before will be able to find ways to minimise, dismiss and gaslight the OP again all the while claiming to be empathetic.

The OPs husband is not a good person as was evidenced by many, many examples she gave that were completely invalidated by some posters. @notaurewhatusername do you feel that you are in a position to leave him?

sorry I was meant to be quoting the above post that his demeaning name calling is classic abusive behaviour but I quoted the OP instead.

It absolutely is classic abuse but I’m sure the posters who could not see anything remotely wrong with his obviously neglectful behaviour before will be able to find ways to minimise, dismiss and gaslight the OP again all the while claiming to be empathetic

Well said @Thisseasonsdiamante
I don't know why a handful of posters think that the husband's behaviour is OK. They clearly haven't read or understood all of the OP's posts.

Were there not any signs of this before? What type of father did you think he would be? Is he not a bit reckless and thoughtless in other areas of his life?

I recognise this type of behaviour OP and it blows my mind that so many people have responded saying they/someone they know is ND and they’d never do that so it mustn’t be ND traits. ND traits are so so diverse…. And it’s the rigidity, the fact that the behaviour is just weird, the lack of empathy for how it impacts you (and potentially your son), the refusal to follow conventions, and the fact that I’m sure you’ve seen patterns of this type of behaviour that makes you relate it to that.
you’re not crazy. But i get it. It makes me feel that way too.
what id try to focus on is was your son actually bothered? Would he be honest if you asked him. I do think (ND or not) if you want to survive parenthood as a couple you have to let them do it their way, don’t micromanage. Unless it’s causing the child distress obviously. I’ve got three with my partner and our youngest would give him hell if she was tired and didn’t have a place to nap.

I was involved with a guy like your OP when younger, OP. I couldn't cope with it but thankfully no children.

One of the defining features of autism is lack of theory of mind.
This means lack of an ability to empathise with others.
Empathy itself simply means being able to see things from another's perspective.
A person who has no empathy is not necessarily a bad person - indeed this lack of ability can mean they themselves are exploited, however, I would argue that this is a major, major barrier to forming happy, functioning, traditional relationships.

I'm being very polite here and careful in my choice of words.

Somebody mentioned PDA, now having a relationship with somebody with PDA is incredibly difficult.

To be frank, the tendency to ONLY put a positive spin on autism does not mention that a normal relationship is incredibly difficult with them.

Women suffer the most as the vast majority of autistics are male. And female autistics tend to be very conscientious as it presents differently in them anyway.

Why the fuck should women have more burdens pointing out what should be f*ing obvious to make autistic men happy?

He sent you the pic of your baby’s head resting forwards on a box in the trike to deliberately wind you up.
The reason he calls you mental, hormonal when you stand up for yourself or disagree with him is because he is trying to grind you down and control you.
This is not because he is neurodivergent it’s because he is a cunt.

I have an ND dh and 2 nd kids with him...its been the challenge of my life living like this but while I do not emcourage him to go out alone with young dd, he would not act like your irresponsible dh. I do have to remind him of everything though.

I have 2 dd with nd. Eldest pda, its horrific poor girl. My life is really hard with her.

Incorrect and so much ignorance.

“One of the defining features of autism is lack of theory of mind.
This means lack of an ability to empathise with others.“

The above re empathy is a huge myth. Autistic people most definitely are able to empathise however it is often experienced or expressed differently than in neurotypical individuals. Many experience intense"hyper-empathy" feeling others' emotions so deeply it causes pain. The stereotype that autistic people lack empathy is incorrect, as challenges often relate to interpreting social cues (cognitive empathy) rather than feeling emotions (affective empathy).

Autistic people do not universally "lack" a theory of mind but many experience differences in how they process, understand, and predict the thoughts and emotions of others. It is a big spectrum. The idea that autistic people completely lack ToM is a misconception. Instead, it is more accurate to describe it as a variation in social information processing.

It is important to remember that as illustrated on this thread difficulties in communication are often mutual,non-autistic people often struggle to read the emotions and intentions of autistic individuals.

Finally autistic women and girls are hugely under diagnosed and it is believed percentage rates of autism across women and men are actually pretty similar.

Finally re the laughable “female autistics tend to be very conscientious as it presents differently in them anyway.” Er no it’s shit spectrum,the diagnosis criteria is the same, and it does not always present differently, but it can present in a more subtle camouflaged manner in social situations.

How do you think that your contributions to those thread have supported the OP with what she is dealing with and her young child @Delan3y do you feel you have demonstrated empathy towards the OP with your posts. Because to others your posts have looked like you have identified solely with the ND partner and gotten defensive from the get go based on your own identity of being autistic and not showed an semblance of empathy towards the OP or a vulnerable infant.

I'm not sure about this: to an autistic man non-autistic people can appear to be 'mental' or hormonal.

It may not be meant in a harmful way but, as I said earlier, a relationship with such a man can be a nightmare.

Bottom line is that it is often the case that a full-time, living together relationship between an autistic man and a non-autistic woman can be a living hell for the woman. Add children and it gets even worse.

I remember saying to my ex that an opened bottle of milk was in the fridge.
It was not on the shelf he expected it to be but instead of thinking it must be in the fridge - or even having the sense to look on the counter top- and looking on other shelves he had a meltdown over it. His reaction seemed reasonable to him.

Fucking hard work. OP should get rid of him.
All this 'oh we must be nice to autistic men they can't help it' shit does my head in.
Setting ourselves on fire to keep them warm. Even my Oxbridge-educated so-called feminist SIL used to make allowances for his behaviour.
Conversely, autistic women try to fit in and please others, diminishing themselves in the process.

I’m the ND parent in our relationship. It impacts a lot of things for me day to day but I absolutely do not do the things you are describing. It largely sounds like poor parenting. However, even if it is down to neurodiversity, that doesn’t mean it should be allowed to happen. It needs to be a case of working out if DH is capable of being left to care for your child. If anything were to happen to your child while in DH’s care, it wouldn’t be a case of “oh well, he didn’t mean it, he is just ND”.

@QuintadosMalvados completely agree here. I was madly in love with someone like this but no children. Its hard work and I bent over backwards because I loved him. Had we had children, I can totally see how difficult it would have been because id be needing to parent them. My ex had a very set view of parenting, completely away from reality.

That has nothing to do with the inaccuracies in the post I just referred to.

I think the op does sound over anxious and over critical towards the dad.

We are allowed to have differences in opinion. It’s an AIBU thread.

You need to start documenting and getting evidence of your husbands neglect of your child while you make plans to leave. Your baby’s is due their first visit ti teh dentist- will your husband go with you ? Ask the dentist about brushing baby’s teeth . Tell them your Hisband refuses to do this. Even better if he will tell the dentist this as they will note it down.

Also go to see your Gp or health visitor and discuss your concerns.

You need to do this NOW before you leave .

It does because you have mentioned over and again about how inaccurate it is that autistic people are regarded as having a lack of empathy while simultaneously displaying no empathy yourself and you fail to see how this comes across.

This is so accurate, the fridge or shelf thing!!! And the tantrum afterwards

@D0RAin his defense, he’s now started brushing babies teeth as much as he can.

I've been divorced from someone like this for 12 years. Co-parenting with them is an absolute nightmare too.

Your dh should never call you names or dismiss you with attacks like “mental” or hormonal. That demonstrates a complete lack of respect , extreme contempt, and is dismissive of compromise and compassion. He doesn’t respect you. I wouldn’t stay married to someone like that.