Parent with neurodiverse husband is exhausting

[notaurewhatusername]

So I don’t even know where to start with this but I just need to hear from people who might have been through something similar.

My DH is neurodiverse and parenting together has been really really hard. Things have actually improved a lot recently and to be fair to him he has made genuine effort, I can see that. But there are still moments where I just think… am I going mad or is this not okay?

Today is a perfect example. He took our 10 month old DS out to an outdoor shopping area. Before they left I checked the weather, saw it was 6-7 degrees and asked him (nicely, as I always have to) to please make sure DS had his hat, coat and a blanket. He has this thing where he doesn’t like to wrap the baby up and I’ve never really understood it but I’ve just learned to make sure I mention it.

Then it started raining. I called to ask him to put the rain cover on - then realised the pram was still in my car. He hadn’t taken the pram at all. He keeps taking him out for hours at a time without it and carrying him round all day. I then got a photo of my son fast asleep with his face resting on the handlebars of a little balance bike, chin on a box, head flopped forward. He’s 10 months old.

I called, asked if he was getting wet because it was raining by this point, and he got visibly annoyed with me, said he was going and “have a nice day” and hung up.

Like I said things have improved and I don’t want to be unfair to DH because the effort is there. But it’s still so hard and I feel so alone in it sometimes.

Has anyone else parented with a neurodiverse partner? Any tips or experiences? How do you navigate the safety stuff without it turning into a huge conflict?

The OP’s DH failed to clothe the baby adequately for the weather (it was cold and wet). Left the baby asleep on a balance bike, ignored a request to protect the baby from getting wet, forgets to take a pram, is controlling, ignores reasonable requests and kicks back at the OP when she asks (weaponised incompetence here), gaslights the OP (as you are doing as well), forgets baby paraphernalia when he goes out and refuses to wite a reminder list so that he doesn’t forget, and there are other issues as well.

And you think this is OK parenting?

Are you even reading and comprehending all of the OP's posts?

I'm pretty sure DH is ND, but he was never a shit parent.

She said she had to remind him because he doesn’t like wrapping him up. Not that he didn’t take a coat or blanket.Overheating babies IS a lot more dangerous than under heating.

We all forget things when parenting, I forgot to put the buggy in the boot of the car and other paraphernalia several times. Good luck with getting to adult hood without doing the same multiple times.

No evidence of leaving the baby asleep on the balance bike, he simply sent a pic and was very clearly there taking the pic.

Wholeheartedly agree with this.

It’s hard to know exactly what’s going on without knowing you both, however some of the things you’ve said sound quite like a close male relative of mine. He’s diagnosed dyslexic and probably has ADHD as well. He adores his daughter and would never deliberately put her at risk, however his way of parenting her is very different to his partner’s which causes issues. For example, in the situation you’ve described he wouldn’t think to take the pram but not having it wouldn’t bother him. He’d be aware of temperature but would just bundle her up in his coat or jumper if he thought she was cold. He doesn’t plan ahead but he improvises well. He also wouldn’t see the harm in occasional cow’s milk and generally has an issue with authority so finds it hard to accept that health guidance for children comes from evidence not just authority figures dictating to him when he thinks he knows better. I don’t think he’s ever deliberately controlling but read out of context some of his behaviour and parenting choices might seem so.

sounds like another child tbh
a manchild

also I wouldn’t let my baby go out with him I couldn’t trust him at all, he sounds useless. A reminder to put up the rain cover when it starts raining?! What the hell

@RitaFiresyou hit the nail. I didn’t see how controlling he actually is until I’ve actually started speaking up about my wants and needs especially for the baby

The milk thing can I add was a whole
day a week, not just once a week.

we painted our home yesterday and I decided after google the paint has low chemicals baby should sleep in the spare room where he has a cot setup etc so he doesn’t inhale the paint.

well, that blew up didn’t it. He said ok defying science. Being ridiculous etc and it led to a massive fight. I don’t as calm and simply said I will take Babi to spare room he can have the comfy bed. This still led to massive argument. How I’m being so OTT and silly.

someone up thread mentions brushing teeth. He has reluctantly started to but initially said it’s no point as they fall out etc etc.

its fucking exhausting

Ok so it was a trike that was a pushchair type rather than a balance bike? That does change things a bit and makes him seem less unreasonable - he took an age-appropriate(ish) piece of baby equipment (which presumably you already owned) out with him rather than a big pram - you made it sound like he got an entirely inappropriate bike and propped the baby dangerously on it.

It does seem like maybe you are on the anxious side of parenting, and he is on the particularly slack side.

You really are "my way or the highway" OP.
I am now really certain it was a push along trike aka a fun buggy and OP realises she's being unreasonable so won't own up.
If you RING HIM to remind him to put on the rain cover my goodness, heaven help you when your DS is older.
Calm down.
Accept that your way is not the only way.
Stop micromanaging him. He's not abusive or neglectful. He's just being an independent parent.

What happens to babies in parts of the world where is not usually to use a buggy / pram? I don't think they suffer from it

Thank you.

Unfortunately I have lived it growing up with an ND father and have the literal scars to prove it. My brother and I are forever damaged by our childhoods sadly.

Perhaps I could have worded my post better to not include all ND men that I would avoid having children with, but certainly those on the asperger's and PDA/ODD end of the autistic spectrum.

There is quite an active subreddit "raised by autistics" which highlights how difficult it can to have ND parents and discusses the ongoing problems that people are having with them. Unfortunately wider society is not ready to have that conversation yet, as can be seen by some of the defensive reactions to my post.

Put up rain cover on what though if he didn't take a pram?

I only have experience of a ND spouse.

The husband is "my way or the highway". All of the OP's requests have been reasonable.

I wouldn't put a baby in afreshly painted room either, nor would I sleep in one for a couple of days afterwards.

Sorry op, he sounds narcissistic. Google the term and see if you agree. He’s not disagreeing with you because he truely believes teeth should not be brushed or because he thinks babies should be exposed to chemicals etc etc, he’s disagreeing with you simply to disagree with you and make you look crazy and put you down. Which is a horrible thing to do and also putting your baby in potentially dangerous situations.
Thd things you just described are ridiculous rows to have. Why the hell would a couple have a row about putting a baby in another room while the room is being painted? It sounds like it was no hassle to put the baby in another room. And it was important to you. He should have just said, hey I hadn’t thought of that, (I’m sure baby will have been fine as the paints are low tox but) of course we’ll put the baby in the other room! Instead he created a massive row about it???? What fucking difference does it make to him where the baby sleeps?
re the teeth and the cow’s milk: he needs to do a parenting course. His knowledge is really lacking if he truely believes all that crap (but I’m actually going to wager he’s just lazy AF and doesn’t want to bother brushing the teeth or preparing formula milk and then goes off at you, making you out to be the crazy person just to cover his laziness. Op, has he EVER apologised for anything? I’m willling to bet he never has. He’s probably always teitsted the narrative to make yourself sound mental, or if that failed, started shouting you down).

No I didnt say they suffer from it, are you reading something thats not in my post?

You wrote

I personally think a buggy is positive for the child as they get to see whats going on around them, I dont think carrying them around gives them that opportunity. Perhaps he doesnt recognise that or even care. That would concern me

Well if they wouldn't suffer from it why would it concern you?

Some posters on this thread sound just as pig headed as OP's husband.

Theres a fairly wide chasm between someone suffering from something, actual harm, and alternatively not particularly benefitting from it. I would rather someone do something for a child where the child benefits, if possible, given the choice

He had the choice.

Its no biggie as I say, Im not concerned with kids being carried round, its the wider picture which for some reason, people seem to be missing, not many people seem to be missing it, only one or two posters. For some reason. Very black and white thinking, not seeing the nuance.

If this thread is exhausting enough having to explain these things, I wonder what its like living with that. OP knows and she sounds like she's at the end of her tether.

But there's nothing to be concerned about really

Mind you I couldn't carry my 10 month grandson around he weighs 24lb

I already said my concern is about him either not caring or not understanding the child's experience.

OP has given many examples of this.

And no, I certainly couldnt carry around a 10 month old for any length of time.

@Patchworkquiltsyouve described EXACTLY how I feel and what’s happening very accurately.

he often used to call me mental and stupid (I’ve hurled insults at him too but never anything personal maybe prick or similar when he really makes me mad or is mean to me) and weaponise me because of my hormones or mental health. It’s almost like he wants to keep me down mentally for some strange reason or genuinely may even believe these things .

@likelysuspectthanks, you get it. You’re seeing the wider picture that others are missing - it’s not about any single incident, it’s about the exhaustion of constantly having to justify reasonable concerns to someone who won’t hear you.

And yes. I’m at the end of my tether.

Honestly LTB, life is too short.

Why did you have a baby with someone like this?
You must have noticed he was ND before starting a family.
They're rigid in every way imaginable.

Time to part ways.