Parent with neurodiverse husband is exhausting

[notaurewhatusername]

So I don’t even know where to start with this but I just need to hear from people who might have been through something similar.

My DH is neurodiverse and parenting together has been really really hard. Things have actually improved a lot recently and to be fair to him he has made genuine effort, I can see that. But there are still moments where I just think… am I going mad or is this not okay?

Today is a perfect example. He took our 10 month old DS out to an outdoor shopping area. Before they left I checked the weather, saw it was 6-7 degrees and asked him (nicely, as I always have to) to please make sure DS had his hat, coat and a blanket. He has this thing where he doesn’t like to wrap the baby up and I’ve never really understood it but I’ve just learned to make sure I mention it.

Then it started raining. I called to ask him to put the rain cover on - then realised the pram was still in my car. He hadn’t taken the pram at all. He keeps taking him out for hours at a time without it and carrying him round all day. I then got a photo of my son fast asleep with his face resting on the handlebars of a little balance bike, chin on a box, head flopped forward. He’s 10 months old.

I called, asked if he was getting wet because it was raining by this point, and he got visibly annoyed with me, said he was going and “have a nice day” and hung up.

Like I said things have improved and I don’t want to be unfair to DH because the effort is there. But it’s still so hard and I feel so alone in it sometimes.

Has anyone else parented with a neurodiverse partner? Any tips or experiences? How do you navigate the safety stuff without it turning into a huge conflict?

I can’t believe you called him to ask him to put the raincover on when it’s raining! Is that really the level he needs supervising? Sounds like another child…

The problem is one day ds is going to say what OP is thinking (eg “I’m wet” “This hurts” )and dad could turn even nastier because he feels like OP and ds are ganging up on him or OP has alienated ds. (These feelings aren’t reality)

Ds is going to have to walk on eggshells and learn not to tell his dad stuff and what kind of childhood is that? Bad enough that OP (a grown woman) has to do it.

He doesn't need it. OP is not letting him parent and then complaining when he doesn't.

Agreed. My DF was like this. Unfortunately my DM enabled him and picked up a lot of the slack so he was able to get away with it. It was definitely like having another child in the house. I've lost count of the amount of neglectful shit he used to do and I'm amazed I actually survived tbh, but I have definitely been damaged by it all and have been in therapy a lot and have 2 anxiety disorders.

I would never have a child with someone who was ND. I just won't risk it for the sake of the child.

I think you need to keep your baby safe from this man.

@Jk987wjen I bought the rain cover he said it was ridiculous and not necessary!! No kidding. Because his pram hood does come down quite low but doesn’t cover his feet. So yes, that’s why I have to call him. Today for example I asked him to bring the blanket as they’re outdoors he didn’t use it

@Mustreadabookit was one day a week not just one drink

Both my husband and I are neurodiverse parents and aren't like this. I dont think this is a ND versus NT thing.

@itskinderkraft and I looked it up it does say from ten months suitable so I won’t pick a fight on that one. I was thinking about taking it to my mums so it just disappears one day

I often leave coats etc in the car but for me it is more about logic I.e. if I know we are going out next in the car, at least I am less likely to forget it if I leave it in the car. My husband however gets frustrated as the coats have a place. We are both neurodivergent including ADHD. So it isn't necessarily even an ADHD thing. These are spectrum disorders.

What I do agree with though is that OPs partner is just doing shitty parenting and that isnt a ND thing. ND people can be excellent parents and actually it is a bit offensive to blame it on his ND when actually you can be both ND and a shirty parent which is unrelated to your ND

Honestly this is so ignorant. ND people can be excellent parents. To write everyone off with ND is genuinely wild. It depends on the person and their needs. Plenty of NT people are shitty parents.

Being neurodivergent covers a whole spectrum of different things. What his actual diagnosis? This would give a better idea of what his specific difficulties are. I am AuADHD so struggled with certain things.

If his difficulties are due to his neurodivergence then workarounds should help. If he’s refusing to even try then it’s likely that the neurodivergence isn’t the issue here and it’s more down to him being lazy or neglectful.

Does he struggle with other aspects of life eg work, friendships, hobbies or is this just weaponised incompetence?

In terms of a pram, I never used one as I hated pushing one around so had a carrier instead. Would this be an option if he dislikes using the pram? Does he have difficulty remembering to take things with him? If so, keeping a bag ready packed with all the key things like hat, wipes, nappies etc. helps as it reduces the task loading at the time of going out. Are there any sensory issues that cause him to struggle?

If he has a PDA-type profile then he could really struggle with you giving him specific instructions and checking up on him. Using declarative language can work better in this situation.

Choose your battles: getting a bit wet in the rain is not going to hurt as long as it’s for a short period and the baby is changed and warm as soon as he gets back in. Focus on the areas where there is actual risk of harm.

This is extremely ignorant (also with 2 autistic parents the chances are you are ND you just don't realise it, btw).

I am autistic and have ADHD. I am an excellent parent (and not just in my own opinion, in the opinion of the school and professionals who have assessed my own child's ASD, colleagues, friends, and so on). I am also a professional myself. I know others with autism who are doctors, lawyers, social workers, all sorts. All excellent. Friends often seek my advice on parenting. Yes of course there will be plenty of autistic people who would not be good parents but to tar all people with ASD with the same brush is very ableist and just factually wrong.

What utter rubbish. I have autism as does my dad and my children. I was the safety conscious parent , ditto my dad . My NT husband is very much fun winging it dad .ND makes you worry more.

@FeralWomanwenhahe a baby carrier, when I bought it he said it was a waste of money hasn’t used it once. But now DC is heavy for it tbh

the one extra layer rule he says is ridiculous, won’t follow it. I give him blanket, he will leave it in the car if I’m not around.

he will change his bum most of the time.

the formula milk, yes takes him to his DM and from what I gather, she started giving it to him and he supported her in doing so. I only found out as I said why hasn’t she asked for milk for months! Then it came out she was giving cows milk, so if I hadn’t have asked it would continue. He said I was being ridiculous and it’s fine.

I think he has always been hard work, I just realise it more now with age and confidence.

It does not matter if someone is nuerodiverse or not. There is a minimum standard of parenting and that is keeping the child safe. He is not keeping your child safe and is not even meeting his basic needs of being fed, warm, clean etc.
This is unacceptable and you need to safeguard your child.
He needs to address his issues pronto by doing parenting classes etc or you need to leave.
If something happens to your baby you will never forgive yourself and will have a long time to think about it.

There is a reason why mothers get convicted for 'causing or allowing' the death of their child and that is because an omission is as bad as an action.

Something else happened today too,
I won’t go into Detail but I’m just so exhausted by all of this

Sorry but you sound over anxious .

Is it one of those trike/pushchair things?

He wouldn’t have been pushing a balance bike round all day, it was just a pic. So not a big deal .

My DH is ND and subsequently so are all of our children, be prepared for that. It is exhausting OP, and it has been very difficult and somewhat traumatic at times. My DH has grown up a lot in his late 30's and started a very intense therapy that he says has changed his life and I can hand on heart say it has changed mine too. He still has his moments, as do I. He recognises how hard he has made my life over the years and he is genuinely remorseful. If he hadn't of started therapy I would have left by now, which I have told him.

NT spouses can make life very difficult too.

This isn’t a hill I would make a stand on given the other things you’ve told us. It’s not ideal but it’s not dangerous either.

I understand your problem OP.
Of course not all ND men are like this, but some are. My ex had the sort of ND where he could not bear to be asked to do something, even gently and politely. He was incapable of cooperation and had to have total autonomy at all times. It's called a PDA profile. So if I asked him to use a raincover or a blanket, or formula milk, he would not. It was very dangerous. It never got better and I eventually divorced him. Should have done it years earlier.
If your man has PDA, you are in an impossible marriage and should end it.

@notaurewhatusername there's a long running Aspergers thread on the Relationships board so id say try posting there for support. You'll rightly get mixed views here but I found that thread really supportive when in a relationship with someone ND.