Parent with neurodiverse husband is exhausting

[notaurewhatusername]

So I don’t even know where to start with this but I just need to hear from people who might have been through something similar.

My DH is neurodiverse and parenting together has been really really hard. Things have actually improved a lot recently and to be fair to him he has made genuine effort, I can see that. But there are still moments where I just think… am I going mad or is this not okay?

Today is a perfect example. He took our 10 month old DS out to an outdoor shopping area. Before they left I checked the weather, saw it was 6-7 degrees and asked him (nicely, as I always have to) to please make sure DS had his hat, coat and a blanket. He has this thing where he doesn’t like to wrap the baby up and I’ve never really understood it but I’ve just learned to make sure I mention it.

Then it started raining. I called to ask him to put the rain cover on - then realised the pram was still in my car. He hadn’t taken the pram at all. He keeps taking him out for hours at a time without it and carrying him round all day. I then got a photo of my son fast asleep with his face resting on the handlebars of a little balance bike, chin on a box, head flopped forward. He’s 10 months old.

I called, asked if he was getting wet because it was raining by this point, and he got visibly annoyed with me, said he was going and “have a nice day” and hung up.

Like I said things have improved and I don’t want to be unfair to DH because the effort is there. But it’s still so hard and I feel so alone in it sometimes.

Has anyone else parented with a neurodiverse partner? Any tips or experiences? How do you navigate the safety stuff without it turning into a huge conflict?

Yes u feel it’s manipulative @Miniaturemom. What makes you say that?

It's obvious to anyone reading this I'm afraid
A mixture between weaponised incompetence (oh I can't do anything right/up to your standard, you better do it all); making you fear upsetting him so you never criticise (telling "nicely" to make sure your son doesn't freeze. Why nicely?); and prioritising his own convenience and comfort over your son's health and your wishes.

Very sinister.
You have made a massive error having a baby with him.
I wouldn't trust him with a baby at all.
I would talk to your GP and would be making plans to leave him.
This will only get a lot worse.

This is not about the father not bringing a pram.
It is about having a 10 month old sleeping on handlebars, with a box under its chin. It’s about feeding a baby inappropriate food (cows milk). It’s about bringing a kid outside in the rain without appropriate clothes, repeatedly. It’s about gaslighting the mother.

yes, there are loads of places in the world where they don‘t have prams. But they have slings. They don’t use the lack of pram as an excuse to neglect babies basic needs and display abusive behaviour.

This doesn’t sound good. Not providing appropriate clothing is unacceptable. I’m confused about the balance bike. Where did he get it? Why would he bring it if your baby can’t walk yet as he surely can’t use it? How did he not fall off it? The cows milk I’m going to go against the grain. It’s obviously very low in iron and shouldn’t be a main drink or source of nutrition but I wouldn’t consider it actually dangerous to have a small cup once a week. Happy to be corrected.

it sounds like he either expects you to leave him to do whatever he wants or he frantically throws up his hands and says he can’t do a thing right so he won’t do anything. Pathetic. He has a responsibility to care for his child in a safe and ongoing way. He doesn’t get to throw in the towel. What does get through to him? Would parenting classes that you both take help so he doesn’t feel like it’s a him problem?

It's not an adult bike, as far as I can tell. It's a balance bike that a not yet walking DC can still move around on. Like a baby walker.
You need to have a word with him and the GPs about the cows milk.
Other than that stop micro managing him. It is perfectly possible for a baby to sleep in their parent's arms.

But this baby wasn't sleeping in their parent's arms?

Please don't blame your partners' shit parenting on his ND. It's incredibly offensive.

Those suggesting parenting he would laugh at the mere concept. No chance…

I’m an ASD parent. The parenting you describe is just parenting. Some of it is just a different style like carrying the baby instead of using a pram. There is nothing wrong with that.

some of the other stuff may or may not be bad parenting. Babies have individual comfort levels too.

I’ve been parenting with my ND DH for over 16 years. He wouldn’t do dumb or nasty shit like this. He wants to be a good dad, he likes being a dad, and he likes our DD so wants to make sure she’s happy and comfy.

We do parent differently with some things but provided that we’re both okay with it and that ultimately DD is the priority then that’s okay. Other things DH will follow my lead and I’ll follow his, and others we’re completely on the same page with the same approach. For us being different to each other is a strength of how we parent DD but for the important underlying approach to how we raise her we’re in complete agreement.

As an example of parenting differently being okay: you like DS to be in a pram and DH likes to carry DS. Would he be open to having a sling of some sort so DS can fall asleep safely and comfortably in his arms? Maybe he carries him because he never remembers the pram and is too stubborn to admit it. Get a cheap pram or a second hand one and it stays in DH’s car. That way he can’t forget it. If you can get DH to understand that DS needs a safe secure place to sleep then let the rest slide. If he has strong enough arms to carry him for hours then let him do it.

If he has trouble working out weather appropriate clothing for DS then the rule of thumb of same number of layers as DH is wearing plus one extra might help him to work it out. Always have a little blanket of some sort available for a young child when out and about.

Does he change DS’s nappy when out or does he leave him in a wet nappy to get nappy rash?

What was the situation with DS being given cow’s milk instead of formula? Did DH take DS to visit his parents once a week or something? He was a right dickhead for giving him cow’s milk instead of formula but it’s probably not worth the argument now that DS would be having some solids along with formula. Concentrate on what he needs to be feeding him now.

Is there anything positive about DH? Has he always been a jerk and such hard work? Do you even like him?

Please don’t have a second child with this man. Make sure your contraception is foolproof.

Parenting with an ND partner doesn’t have to be like this. They can be great or shit parents just like anyone else.

Propping a baby to sleep on a bike
Feeding inappropriate foods
Inadequate clothing

That's poor parenting rather than just a different parenting style.

Most of us would not accept a nursery or childminder failing to dress a baby in a hat/coat, propping them on a bike to sleep or giving them cow's milk. Surely a baby's actual parent with one child to care for should be at least as attentive and safe as group care.

Where was the bike from?

I have autistic parents. This only gets worse. They have next to no ability to understand anyone’s but their own needs. I feel very sorry for your son. At least he has one neurotypical parent.
I now have nothing to do with my parents and they are totally oblivious about why.

On the one hand, it’s a good thing that he enjoys spending lots of time with little one and takes the baby out for hours.
But why isn’t he making things easier for himself, by taking all the gear so he’s not without items. How is little one being nappy changed, I assume he’s not carrying the change bag and the child.
What is he actually doing out for so long, there’s only so much looking around shops etc? Are they inside a cafe or a play place? What’s he even doing

To my knowledge, a balance hike is usually for children 2 years and up. They have to push off with their feet and move quickly due to the wheels. Prince Louis was pictured with one on his third birthday I think? It’s a toy that requires balance rather than a toy to support balance.

I'm also ND, and carry these practical tasks with relative ease.
I think he's incompetent on purpose.

I’m ASD and ADHD and have 2 DCs. What you are describing is bad parenting, it’s not ND parenting.

It’s manipulative / abusive of him to take DC out for hours without adequate clothes and carrier, when you have repeatedly spoken to him about it. Then ignore your messages and cut you off.

I would agree with this.
ND is often attributed to arsehole men.
The two are not mutually exclusive.
The OP has had a baby with an abusive, gaslighting, manipulative, deliberately incompetent man who happens to also be ND.

He will use his ND to explain his away his abusive tendencies.
The OP desperately needs to wake up to her error and get away from him.

OP, keep detailed notes of all of this, times, dates, et.,......you are going to need them.
Poor baby.

In all honesty, when you're not neuro diverse yourself it can be extremely hard work being around those that are.
It's nobody's fault, it is what it is. It's hard work for the ND person, too.

Add a baby into the mix and I'd imagine it just gets even more stressful.

Whether it's his neuro diversity or him being simply an idiot, the fact remains he's not safe with the baby. From what you say here, I'd trust an average 10-year-old to look after the baby better. No joke- I really, really would.

You'll be so much better off without this constant stress. More importantly, though, the baby will be safer.
You'll explode with worry and stress if you don't separate.

Its not dangerous for under 1s to consume cows milk with food. Its just that they should not have it as the main drink/source of nutrition as it is not nutritious enough. So I’d agree one drink a week was ok.

It doesn't sound great to be honest, ok about carrying the baby around if you can actually manage it safety,
but not carrying essential supplies, appropriate clothing regularly is neglectful, (we've all been caught short occasionally). Its more the attitude of not being willing to listen, learn that would concern me. (I'm ND parent myself, but when I became a mum I learnt how to properly look after my children, I also take advice).

He isn't fit to take care of him. Do not let this man take him out alone again. Carrying him around for hours on end would be enough for me never mind the rest you've said he has done / said.
One trip, one fall whilst he's holding him....it doesn't bare thinking about. And with you having to ring him to remind him of bare minimum requests, you know yourself deep down he cannot be trusted. Being ND is no excuse for risking extreme injury or even worse.

‘Don’t let him’ is unrealistic. OP has said she ‘has to’ talk to him ‘nicely’, presumably because of his behaviour when, in his view, she doesn’t.