Son won't move out!

[OneGreenPoster]

My son broke up with his gf in December (I posted here about it) he moved in with us. He keeps saying he'll find somewhere soon
But he isn't even looking, he has a good job and savings so can easily afford it

How long is reasonable until we tell him he has to go?

It might not work for you, but it works for plenty of other people.

OP, it's only been a few months since the break up. Unless there are issues, kicking him out this quickly seems rather heartless.

Oh good god, here we go, OP, please don't feel bad about wanting your house back to yourselves! But speak to him and ask him what he's doing to find somewhere else and remind him that he can't stay indefinitely. Could you manage 6 months? I think you need to decide a date and tell him

Have a chat with him.

Set a boundary that works for you - if that's 3 weeks for him to move out or 9 months for him to get back on his feet, you need to articulate what is OK for you. It's ace to have them home, but not indefinitely.

I remember the original thread. The son was a spoilt boy so I suspect he is continuing that way and not contributing, picking up after himself, acting with consideration etc, hence why the @OneGreenPoster wants him to go.

Funny how different people have different standards. My mum would not welcome me back indefinitely. She would expect me to start looking asap as I’m a whole adult and she likes her own space.

I imagine I would also feel like that if I had an adult child move back in, I’m fine with being a safety net but I want to be able to walk around naked and not have someone else to think about.

I’d probably give him another few weeks then tell him he needs to start looking

When my eldest son moves home periodically i find the mess a nightmare but thats what his childhood home is for....coming back when necessary to reboot and start again. Home is a safety net

Had to go find the old thread to find any context.
He's 30, the ex gf dumped him because he wouldn't commit after years of being together and then he's gone back home to you.
Quite honestly from what you've previously written he sounds like a man child and you seem like an enabler. I imagine you won't do anything to kick him up the back side and he'll happily coast along until he finds a new gf to mother him
You either need to give him a firm timeline and mean it, or accept he'll be living with you until the next gf with a house for him to move into comes along

He doesn't pay any rent as it was supposed to be until early Jan.
He is sleeping on the sofa, we offered to get a bed sorted for the spare room, be he refused because it was only a couple of weeks.
I've asked him a few times since and he refuses because he doesn't want it to feel permanent.

If he isn't working he plays games all day.
He told his cousin that he was hoping his ex would get back in touch so I'm hoping he isn't waiting on that!

Ah! So expecting women to sort out his life for him without him doing anything for them?

Op, tell him he has to move out before the end of march.

Im with you on this. I don’t want them moving back in. I am completely done with parenting and they know it. Life’s short and I want to do want works for me and DH. Enough now.

One of mine came home after a break up and we lived amicably for many months. However, we eventually had a chat and decided a dead-line would work well for her. A target date
was agreed upon.

This suited the way her mind works.

She started looking very quickly and we helped her with the deposit. I needed my life and home back and she needed to experience the real grown up world.

Keep the lines of communication open. Start this weekend. Draw up a plan. Think of a date; Easter? A birthday? A date to hook onto.

I had an ex almost identical sounding to your son. Refused to commit, I offered to let him stay in my house while he sorted a rental house or purchased one, he sat around for weeks ignoring the situation, I got fed up of waiting for him to get off his arse and sort out his living situation and told him to move back in with his mother if he couldn't sort himself out despite having a job and savings. He moved back in with his mother within the month he was asking to come back... Nope. He then stayed at his mother's house for months until she got fed up of him not sorting himself out either and ended up booking appointments for him to look at rentals and basically pushed him out. He found another woman to move in with who had her own house and he moved in with her pretty sharp. Some men will act like teenagers expecting a woman to molly coddle them until the end of time. I have no doubt he would still be living with his mother years later if she hadn't pushed him to rent or met another woman.
Unless you're happy with him sitting around the house playing video games until he gives up on the ex gf and finds a new one to accommodate him, you need to kick him up the arse

He "refused"?

This is what I would do. "Insist" he has a bed in the spare room.

All games to be done in his room.

I wouldn't want someone dossing down in my living room.

I remember the previous thread(s). You said then that DH could be blunt and more forthright so get him to tell DS to "get his arse in gear" and start looking for somewhere else. Your DS is stringing you along like he did his ex-GF. His ex isn't going to get in touch because she blocked him and threw him out earlier before Christmas for hassling her.

He pays rent and has a proper bed or he is given a date to move out by.
No way would I tolerate sofa surfing for weeks on end from anyone let alone a adult child.

Team h.

I’d use this as a teaching opportunity to make him in to a decent human that someone actually wants to live and make a life with. You seem to have failed to do this so far.

He can stay for now. He pays rent, helps around the house and has no choice in having a bed in the spare room. It's your house. You don't need anyone sleeping on the sofa and that's your private space. If he doesn't like it he can move out. His ex won't take him back so him waiting for that is pointless.

Time for him to get his sorry ass in gear. GF is much better off without him, he'd better not be holding his breath for her to get in touch. He's delusional if he thinks she wants him back.

I remember your previous threads. Give him a date to be out by. Better yet, let his dad tell him.

Is that refering to the OP or OP and her h?

Id usually blame both equally but if you look at previous threads, op sounds like an enabler, she was thinking about messaging the ex gf to make her 'see sense' the husband seemed far more willing to give the some tough love

Your dumbass son ended up on your sofa because he was harassing the ex he treated poorly and she finally made him leave. It's time to come down hard on what has turned into a shitshow.

He doesn't dictate shit in your home. He gets the spare room until x date and he gets his ass off your sofa and he games elsewhere. He pays you rent for that space.

If he doesn't like it, he can take a hike.

He needs to be sleeping in the bedroom asap of straight away. Any gaming happens in there. He can’t just dominate your living space.

See putting a bed in there as something to allow other guests to stay in future too, not making your DS a permanent fixture.

And make sure he starts looking for a place of his own!

He needs a bead anyway when he moves out so jet him but one. Oh let me guess, he wants to wait on that till he has his own place to buy a queen.

Homebuying a bed or mattress is a small price to pay in exchange for a free place to live, at least for a little while.

Is there more to it? My adult DC are welcome to stay here as long as they want.