Son won't move out!

[OneGreenPoster]

My son broke up with his gf in December (I posted here about it) he moved in with us. He keeps saying he'll find somewhere soon
But he isn't even looking, he has a good job and savings so can easily afford it

How long is reasonable until we tell him he has to go?

Fucks sake charge him rent then increase it until he goes. Jesus where is your sympathy / empathy. He’s getting over a breakup , a heart ache , he needs his mum and family to feel safe and loved.
prob be better in the streets than live with his shitty family.

This- it's a shame if you can't support your DC.

Give him a choice, either he accepts it’s going to go on a bit longer and he moves into the spare room and splits the bills / food 3 ways or he moves into a place of his own. He’s a grown man and behaving like a teenager

In this day and age it's so expensive renting.
I would sit down and make a plan with him if you can afford to have him there rent free as long as he is saving his money.
If he's not then charge him rent.
I would ask him to help around the house instead.
If he can stay there for 6 months think about all the money he can save towards a mortgage in the future.
I would absolutely do this for my kids but main thing is as long they save.
If they can't then I would charge them rent but put it in a separate account for them so when they do eventually buy they have some money towards house furniture or something atleast.

He’s out of order, he doesn’t or shouldn’t call the shots as to where he sleeps!
He needs to buy a bed for the spare room or move out and be more considerate of you when he’s not working, no one wants an adult playing games all day, it’s your home, reclaim it.
Plus he should be paying rent, all of the above might encourage him to move out.

Have you read OP’s other comments?
Hes sleeping on the sofa and refuses to use the spare room and is not paying rent!

Are you a doormat?! It's your house. It doesn't matter if he's being difficult. He's disrespectful and squatting on your sofa like a twat.

Read the riot act or this problem will only get worse if you enable his abusive behaviour. And yes it IS abusive behaviour.

My eldest daughter moved back home after a break up and six years later is still here. She's 47,I'm 76.Shes not my carer,I still work, but we've always got on well.
I'd never tell her to go, she's my daughter and has mental health issues. She works, drives,has a fiancé. My life is restricted in as much as I can't downsize, she's very untidy, but she loves the pets as much as me and that's a bonus!

He has a job. I have no idea why people think he doesn't. The OP made it clear in the first post that he has a good job

I'm sorry but for someone who was so concerned about him when his relationship ended OP why are you so keen to get rid of him?

If you want your space back just give him a timescale to move out

My brother moved in with my mum after a relationship breakdown and he stayed 18 months so that he could save for a house deposit

My mum was happy to have him - if you don't feel that way ask him to go.

I honestly don't understand people who can't just have a simple conversation about issues like this.
If you don't want him there - tell him

Why do you want him out so quickly? I have 3 kids and they know, the door is always open for them if they need us. He must feel so welcome knowing you can't wait for him to go. He may not be telling you everything and is hoping they may reconcile, so doesn't want to rent anywhere, or buy just in case. Do you know if he has those hopes? It is early days and he will sort himself out given time

@OneGreenPoster are you the poster who’s son cheated on his girlfriend when he lived in her flat? If yes could you be holding some resentment to your son making the situation worse?

But surely you want more for her. Its not normal for adults in their 30s to still be living at home with no plans to move out and start their own life

I think she is that poster, yes.

Is he just using you as a hotel.
Has he used you in the past!
If he is staying he needs to contribute towards his keep at Market Rate.

Food, share of bills etc.Do his own washing and ironing. He is not a child

You or your DH , or both, need to sit down with him and remind him that the sofa surfing was until January.

It’s almost March. He moves into the spare room. Along with his gaming.

Thereafter, assuming he makes a reasonable wage / is working full time, you remind him he needs to pay his way.

State your boundaries, clearly. He’s an adult, he will cope.

I think it was that he wouldn't commit to his girlfriend so she dumped him and the OP wanted to "talk some sense into her," god help her.

At all points she makes excuses for him and regards any boundaries from her husband as harsh.

I love having my adult sons live here, but I wouldn't if they were dossing on the couch in the living room and hogging the TV for gaming.

I also think the OP needs to be realistic on the time frame of him moving. If he does find a flat or a spare room somewhere it's going to take a week or two to find something - view it etc and then you are competing with other people who are also interested..

The OP did say in her previous post that he couldn't return home. If you want rent from him tell him

Sorry but that's what you think is appropriate. Not everyone would charge their adult kids market rate for a room. In my area it's around 400 pounds. In other places it would be 800-900.

Some family would want that and others would be happy with a contribution

She doesn't want him in their home - she made it clear on the previous posts that he couldn't stay with them

How old is he? Why isn't he working? That's the first thing to do is get him working and paying you a bit of rent?
I'd set him up with a mattress on the spare room.
Get a plan for him working and saving up a rent deposit etc. then set a date for him to leave!

He is working. The OP states this in the first post

My husband is his father yes, but is very hard on him.

Translation - he isn't as soft on him as I am. DH actually expects DS to behave like an adult. I talk the talk but when it comes to it don't walk the walk.

But she won't do anything about it. Nor even insist he gets out of the living room.

He has a job, he's earning. He could be looking for rooms in shared houses.

Instead, he's dossing at his mam's, hoping his ex girlfriend will want him back by some miracle.

agree. op's previously posted about her son. his ex wanted to get married, op's son wasn't bothered, so his ex ended things and asked him to move out as it was her place.

op's son then had a big panic when he realised that he was losing his nice place to live, offered to get married after all. fortunately his ex seems to have a good sense of her own value and told him to bog off. hence why he is now on the sofa at the parental home.

op's own role in this, was to want to go and "talk sense" into her son's ex. https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5460505-son-dumped-by-girlfriend-because-i-hadnt-proposed