Son won't move out!

[OneGreenPoster]

My son broke up with his gf in December (I posted here about it) he moved in with us. He keeps saying he'll find somewhere soon
But he isn't even looking, he has a good job and savings so can easily afford it

How long is reasonable until we tell him he has to go?

And there’s the drip feed… sounds like his ex dodged a bullet there!

Sit down with him and sort out what you want.

1. Get your living room back. Put a bed in the spare room. If a new bed is needed he can buy it and take it with him when he moves out.

1. Charge rent. A realistic amount.

1. He needs to be helping with household chores - shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning, gardening.

1. Agree a deadline for him moving out. He needs focus and a purpose and he'll be a much more attractive option as a bf if he's not kipping on his mum's sofa.

Get some kind of bed sorted for the spare room - a cheap futon would do as a temporary measure. Move him in there.
Tell him it’s been 2 months now so he needs to start contributing to the house - charge him a small rent to cover bills.
I very much hope he is pulling his weight with housework and cooking, if he’s not that needs to change asap.
Give him a date for when he has to sort his own place out - June seems fair that would be 6 months since he moved in

My DD can't back home after a break up. She pitched in, bought all the groceries, worked hard and pretty much straight away started thinking about her next move, researching rentals/buying etc. When we realised that she could just enjoy buy something, she out everything into it, and obviously I was happy for her to stay while she found something. I think it was about 6-8 months, but she was a fully functioning and considerate adult throughout, unlike OP 's son.

Is he the one who wouldn't propose and was living in the ex's property?

I'd boot him out, he's not going to change.

When we realised that she could just enjoy buy something

Just ABOUT! I hate autocorrect.

If you’ve got room, and he’s contributing a fair share, I wouldn’t see a problem. If however he’s a lazy slob who leaves his mess everywhere, wet towels on the bathroom floor, unwashed dishes in the kitchen, etc. and won’t shell out a fair ‘rent’, that’s a different matter.

As far as I’m concerned, adult dds will always be welcome here - even though they’ve got their own houses, to us this is still their home, too.

The issue here is he's a pain in the arse because he's sleeping on the sofa.

The conversation needs to be about how this isn't ok with you and he needs to stop wallowing and get on with things.

If it's only a few weeks, it's time to fuck off. If it's not only a few weeks, then he needs to pay rent and move into the spare room.

You are being a doormat by letting him continue on the sofa. As much as anything because it's bloody disgusting to be sleeping on the sofa and then socialising on it during the day.

Oh dear, break up aside, this sounds like my brother/parents scenario.

He came home from Uni (he went in his 30s) with an agreement that it was temporary until he was job settled. Then it’s was when he had a deposit on a property. My parents began to divide their lives as a hint. Two fridges, his and theirs. Didn’t do his washing up he left regularly (until they ran out of plates).
My mother became ill (Parkinson’s) but he still left washing by the machine complaining if his favourite shirt wasn’t clean for the weekend.

Familar?
On my brother’s 40th birthday my parents gave him an eviction notice and a pile of possible one bed apartments locally. They got wind he was about to buy himself a very expensive car, which was equivalent to a house deposit.

It was hard for him, because my parents hadn’t prepared him for bills, feeding himself and housework but he’s survived.

Of course that's what he's waiting for, OP! Sorry!

He's living in a bit of a dream world. Can your DH wake him up with some home truths?

I think you’re being a bit unrealistic, they only broke up in December.

Get a bed for the spare room and insist he sleeps/games in there.

Do you have a good relationship with him?

When the dust settles a bit, you can calmly talk to him about his plans.

I cant believe you want to kick him out hes probably depressed

what time is it now?

That's the way I feel, too.

I'm wondering if he's hoping the 'message' will get back to his ex that he's 'having' to sleep on the sofa (wah wah wah)

From your previous threads it sounds like she was well and truly done with him, sensible woman, especially after he hassled her when she was on holiday. He needs to grow up and start behaving like the adult human being he is and that should start with very candid conversations about what you expect to happen in your home and a timeline for moving out. You're doing him no favours if you let this continue but I think it is part of a history of indulgence so who know if you will.

Surely just say, you dont want him sleeping on the sofa anymore. He is welcome to stay in a month by month basis in the spare room until he sorts himself out. But not the sofa. And he needs to pay a small rent to help with the additional bills. Or move back out within the next week.

Take the opportunity to get the spare room sorted so it is a usable space for any guest, and then put him in it. Having someone stay on the sofa is completely overwhelming and gives you no space to relax. He can game in the bedroom.

Based on your update I would give him 6 weeks notice to be off the sofa as you need it back, and tell him
after this you’d be happy for him to stay in the spare room. You can always get a cheap air bed mattress if he doesn’t want a real bed for some reason! And (if you need to) charge him token rent or a share of the bills

If you don’t need to charge him rent, then insist he is putting a fee hundred into savings eg one of those regular saver high interest accounts

Is it the same girlfriend that broke up with him because he refused to talk about future marriage etc?
What does your husband think? He seemed sensible during the breakup aftermath.
I would get a cheap bed in the spare room as i would hate the living room to be permanently occupied but wouldn't want to kick my son out. What's the point in him paying rent to a landlord if he could live with me and save up? He can start contributing to bills though

Yep, it's the same one.

Seems like he takes his lacksadisal approach to every relationship in his life, and is very immature. Probably still be living with his parents when he's 40.

You and your DH need to be on the same page as the only way you will get your adult son put of his comfort zone and adulting on his own is to force the issue

That he is camping on your sofa, playing games and usurping your lives like this is indicative of a perma-man child. You grew him now you need to remind him of his real life status

That old saying, be cruel to be kind springs to mind

Its either that or keep him, loan him out to the next GF and take him back when she too has had enough, rinse and repeat forever

Ohhhhh... she's that poster!

OP - it's time to be a real parent. One who teaches their children on how to be a grown up, one who can navigate and flourish out in the world rather than rotting on your sofa. He needs to do chores, cook, buy food, move to a bedroom and have clear instructions that he needs to be out in 6 weeks (or whatever you feel is right). Tell him house shares exist. HMOs exist. Lodgings exist. Spare room dot com exists. Take rent off him and use that as a rental deposit on his next place if you don't think he'll save enough. Guide him, teach him, enforce boundaries and finally, mean what you say.

Posters warned you this would happen on your last thread. He was quite comfortable living off his ex, and now he’s quite comfortable living off you.

You’re going to have to get a lot tougher with him if you want him out.

He is waiting on his e getting back in contact

suggest to him that whilst he is waiting he gets on with his life and looks at spare rooms dot com for a lodging situation, which he isn't tied into a contract and can give a weeks notice

Otherwise just crashing at his mums looks dubious to the ex, as if he hasn't got any get up and go