DH time v my time

[80sbabyxx]

Yet another Saturday morning argument with DH

I am a teacher work 850-330 mon to fri

he is in emergency services so works shift work sometimes 50 hours a week

I do all the school runs drop offs and pick ups
I do all the after school activities (football, gymnastics, dance, drama) so three nights a week I am not home with the kids u til 8pm so it's an on the go dinner homework in the car while the other does their hobby and switch (I have three kids 6,7 and 12)
I do all the cleaning, cooking and washing. We also have a five month old puppy and I do all the looking after of her when DH isn't home then he does look after the puppy.

on a Saturday DH works two Saturdays a month from 5pm to 3am on a Saturday morning be leaves at 8am to go do his hobby so on the Saturdays he's working he's not here at all. Then on a Sunday he declares it's his day to do nothing as he is tired and it's his 'only' day off. Now he is off tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday so it doesn't ring true this week. Even though he is off I will still do all the pick ups and drop offs because he has a van and can't take all 3 on the school runs and I obviously need my car to drive to work so he will have a nice relaxing Monday and Tuesday from 750am.

I go out with my friends once every 5/6 weeks for a night out might be for drinks or just to one of their houses. Anytime I complain I am tired he tells me I get to go out more than him...he doesn't think his 8 hours of golf on a Saturday count. He also tells me how I shouldn't be complaining about being tired as I have every weekend off...but I'm not galavanting majority of the time I'm looking after the kids and dog alone.

Is he being an asshole we just had an argument t on the phone as he rang me on his way to golf (from his parents house as he meets them every Saturday morning for breakfast) and it took three goes for me to answer the phone I was dealing with the kids!

He is taking the piss big time. You never get a day off. My ex took up a very time consuming hobby and had to leave home at 5am to train. EVERY DAY
He would get to work and have a shower and whilst eating his breakfast (provided for and cooked by work) he would call. By that time I had already walked dog, got 2 kids up, fed them breakfast, made 2 pack lunches, ironed 2 school shirts, tidied kitchen. In the end I stopped answering and DH became ex DH. Selfish selfish selfish. You are doing it all alone so may as well do it alone without the expectation that DP will help and without the disappointment when he doesn't

I’m always astounded when primarily dads say it’s their day off

there are no days off when you have kids!!!!

omg calling you lazy

he’s bloody gaslighting you

get rid!!!!

the breakfast thing then the hobby - ridiculous!!!’

he’s really ungrateful - get rid and then at least you’ll have whole weekends to yourself - bloody selfish bastard!

Omg instead of responding he thought he’d get another women aka his mum
to pick up his slack

get rid OP!!

So true! Deep down most men (certainly those born before the 90s anyway) still see the home as women’s responsibility & their job/career as much more important than their wife’s ‘wee job’
My sister has a stressful senior management position while her DH earns minimum wage in an unskilled job but she still takes on vast majority of the household
management. He is actually useless & I personally would have ditched him long ago. No shared DC as second marriage for both but of course she does all the parenting of his DC when they stay 2-3 nights a week.
Many women would be so much better off without these selfish useless men who bring little to our lives.

Surely on Saturdays he can bring all the children to his parents for breakfast and then they can all go to golf/driving range. For some dad bonding time.
while you have some hours to yourself for resting or hobby-ing

I was wondering that too.

I think you are coming to realise that this is not sustainable. I know your kids like doing activities but is it essential that there are some every day?

who pays for everything?

you said there’s some weird home ownership with landlord being your FIL. But if you moved out, you may be entitled to universal credit. Husband would need to pay child maintenance. You can make it work but may need to cut back on activities.

you are lucky to have an understanding and supportive school with a sensible workload. Some of that needs to come over to England!!! But if the headteacher changed then you could get unstuck again.

start making an exit plan. You say you are happy when he’s not there as he yells at you. Don’t let your children think that is how partners treat their spouses.

I would let the children go to your in-laws on weekends and have some me time. Next time
he is off shift at the weekend then go to your parents by yourself and have them take care of you.

he will be blowing up your phone as he won’t be used to parenting so switch it off. Once you’ve had a rest then you will find it easier to think clearly.

Its what abusive arseholes do.

Your post really resonated with me, I was in exactly the same position with the same responses you get (sounds like there must be a textbook!)

I broke in the end and we divorced, the relief of not having another big child to look is immense! Plus he wanted 50/50 so now actually has to parent and sort his own stuff out (like his family birthdays etc) so I do actually get down time. Shame it took that to step up but even then it took him a while and some things still fall to me to sort.

Don’t get me wrong it is hard but having a new partner now that shares the burden with me highlights how wrong my exes behaviour was (and how he treated me with such contempt)

getting a cleaner did help (and the kids do get older and it gets easier)

He just doesn't get it. A whole day of golf absolutely counts, and you need some downtime.

So id say it's time to simplify where you can.

Get him to use your car, not his van, for pick ups and drop offs on his days off. Or see if there are other parents you can alternate lifts with.

Try and work a cleaner into the budget (ideally on his dime) or go on strike from cleaning his stuff and see how he likes it.

getting the dog was a bad idea. He sounds like an a** hole. My own situation is not much better. It must be common

He needs to sell the van and get a car for a start so he can actually contribute to the school runs and activities! Then he can take the kids on his little jaunts out. You need to get yourself a hobby that takes up at least 8 hours a week. If he doesn't pull his weight then he'll be having to figure it all out when he has the kids all to himself for half the week.

He sounds like a joy!

do you get anything out of your marriage or are you just there to look after the house and kids?

Have you seen motherland? You are Julia. I wouldn't be putting up with this crap. Not now, not ever. Being parents is a team effort, you both work, you should both get down time. I have 3 kids too, 5,8 and 11. Hell no would I accept this!

A partner should enhance your life. If he doesn't then why stay with him.

Sounds like he doesn’t bring much to your life

I work full time, have a full plate and a useless husband … I know, let’s get a puppy 🤣🤦🏻‍♀️