DH time v my time

[80sbabyxx]

Yet another Saturday morning argument with DH

I am a teacher work 850-330 mon to fri

he is in emergency services so works shift work sometimes 50 hours a week

I do all the school runs drop offs and pick ups
I do all the after school activities (football, gymnastics, dance, drama) so three nights a week I am not home with the kids u til 8pm so it's an on the go dinner homework in the car while the other does their hobby and switch (I have three kids 6,7 and 12)
I do all the cleaning, cooking and washing. We also have a five month old puppy and I do all the looking after of her when DH isn't home then he does look after the puppy.

on a Saturday DH works two Saturdays a month from 5pm to 3am on a Saturday morning be leaves at 8am to go do his hobby so on the Saturdays he's working he's not here at all. Then on a Sunday he declares it's his day to do nothing as he is tired and it's his 'only' day off. Now he is off tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday so it doesn't ring true this week. Even though he is off I will still do all the pick ups and drop offs because he has a van and can't take all 3 on the school runs and I obviously need my car to drive to work so he will have a nice relaxing Monday and Tuesday from 750am.

I go out with my friends once every 5/6 weeks for a night out might be for drinks or just to one of their houses. Anytime I complain I am tired he tells me I get to go out more than him...he doesn't think his 8 hours of golf on a Saturday count. He also tells me how I shouldn't be complaining about being tired as I have every weekend off...but I'm not galavanting majority of the time I'm looking after the kids and dog alone.

Is he being an asshole we just had an argument t on the phone as he rang me on his way to golf (from his parents house as he meets them every Saturday morning for breakfast) and it took three goes for me to answer the phone I was dealing with the kids!

Have you considered fucking him the fuck off? Ask him, just out of idle curiosity dh, if we divorced, would you ever see your dc again given you would have to cook for them and look after them when they were with you?

it doesn’t sound like you like each other very much.

Ask him about your 'day off'. When is it exactly?

Yeah, and you should put on your big girl pants and use your words @80sbabyxx

Honestly, I don’t throw this around lightly but what exactly are the positives that he brings to your life? From the outside it does look as though you could be better off divorced. He might occasionally have to take responsibility for his kids and you could have a child-free day. Even if he didn’t, you wouldn’t have an oppressive, judgemental, joy-sucking dark cloud hanging over you. Does he bring any happiness to your life as a husband?

Stop washing his clothes and making his food and anything else you do for him
if he says anything just say you don't have time
hes living as a single man so he can do his own chores too
or better still leave him and he'll at least do 2 weekends a month
more than he does now

Not necessarily, I’m a nurse and work shifts. I’m working today. Yes I get more “me time” during the week while DH works a typical 9-5 job and the kids are at school. But I use that time to prep to make all of our lives easier. Yesterday when I was off and had the house to myself I prepped some chilli which is now in the fridge just to be reheated for dinner tonight. Made sure the fridge is stocked for the weekend. Got the washing and housework up to date. Got the kids clothes out for their clubs this morning and left them out. And yes I still got to lie on the couch for an hour and read my book. Tomorrow when I’m off I’ll take the kids to the park for a few hours to let DH get some down time. Shift work works very well for my family but neither of us are selfish and we both work as a team!

Golf was like this when we met- I always knew Sat would be non negotiable but life has got so much busier I have asked him to help more on a Saturday his solution is he'd bring the younger ones to his mums while he golfs but then I have to go collect them after. There is no way he is going to charge his mind about golfing.

Even when he is at home he is grumpy and shouts at me and the kids so I prefer him to being here if I'm honest. I had asked him to leave but he won't and the house is in his name and I have nowhere to go with the kids. And I can't afford to rent on my own atm either so I feel very stuck.

the puppy gets minded during the day so I collect the puppy after work too but he does the drop offs before he goes to work.

it was the phone call this morning giving off at me because I didn't answer has just pushed me to the edge today. I refuse to ask him for help anymore as I have numerous times and he refuses to change his weekend plans. Even if I left his washing or didn't cook for him he would cook for himself and not clean up so I'd have to do it anyway and he would use every dish just to be difficult and he'd leave all his washing until it all had to be done so I'd be stepping over it all. I've tried all this nothing works. A lotto win would be nice I would disappear with the kids to our own house without telling him lol I dream of this all the time

teaching in NI atm there is a massive shortage of sub teachers not as many permanent jobs but you are never without work for the poster who asked

The minute he called me lazy I would have packed his bags. What a bastard!

It sounds like even if you explained it all to him, he wouldn't listen anyway. So I guess it's shut up & bear it or kick him out. Whichever way you are doing it all anyway.

He is an absolute selfish twat. You really would be better off single

rewind a bit op... you said up thread he called you lazy....lazy?!? The kids teleport themselves to their activities then, and the magical dinner fairy does the cooking and the cleaning, and your side of the wages just appears in the bank account all by itsself? I am a single mum and honestly, you sound like you're doing the same level of work/logisitics/family gubbins

I've got one eye on a toddler so I might have read that wrong (hoping I did?!)

This. How on earth do you work 8:50 - 3:30 as a teacher?

Your dc are doing a lot of activities - would be easier if some of this came to a natural end, they don't need as much.
Another thing that might need to come to a natural end is your relationship! Why do you think you couldn't get half of the house in a divorce? It shouldn't matter that his name is on it if you are married.
Why does he have a van not a car? Does he actually use it in his job? Very convenient for him to have a vehicle that won't hold all the kids.

Also, are your parents still around? What is their take on this?

I also want to know what/where this unicorn teaching job is where you can do drop off/pick up and aren’t working 50 hours a week?!

PS. Your husband is a selfish toad and you are better off single, hope that helps.

Re: the breakfast/golf thing. Could he take the kids with him in your car?

Doesn't matter that the house is in his name, you are married.
Best to fuck this entitled bastard off.

I’d rather be single, the resentment would kill me.

Do you have marital rights to the property?

@80sbabyxx sounds to me like he is calling you lazy as a diversion tactic. You spend a lot of energy asking yourself why he would say that, rush around more and take on more so he can just be lazier himself.

this is not a partnership, never mind a marriage

Sorry but I could not be with someone who is so disrespectful to call me lazy when I’m running around like a headless chicken!
I think you really need to sit down and think about what he brings to your partnership, it doesn’t sound like he gives any time to his family unit and is actively dismissive of you and all that you do?
The golf he was doing when you met, but on his days off this week if the children are in school he should be doing some of the drop offs/picks up/activities even if he can’t fit all the children in his van.
Does he need a van or would a car be more suitable for your needs as a family?
You’re a better person then me I would be seething with resentment at your current situation, there is nothing more unattractive then a man that always puts his wants and needs before all else and is useless at home.

Yeah it does sound really unbalanced and unfair. The 8hours away from family on a Saturday would really get to me (whether it’s golf, or anything else).

Loads of good advice so can’t add much, except on the week days that he’s not working you could take his van to and from work and he can do drop-off, pick-up and activities 😁 Is that why he’s got a van?!

Why hasn’t he taken some/all of the kids to see his parents and have breakfast (in your car)? He could drop them and the car back before golf.

The more I type the more annoyed I’m getting on your behalf. His life is basically ‘work and do what I want when I want” and yours is “work, everything for the DCs, almost everything for the dog, cooking, cleaning and occasional night out”.

Has he forgotten you’re his wife and not his housekeeper/nanny?

I have noticed this weird thing where men think their hobby isn't their time. It's very fucking bizarre.

You should get the same amount of downtime. It's not even a debate. If he doesn't agree to even the principle of that then yes he's an asshole.

I’m sorry to say lovely that he’s married to his job and his hobby. Not you.
I have a lot of friends who are married to Emergency workers and I can count on one hand how many have survived their marriages.
They don’t think or look at life like us. I’m not bashing anyone before anyone comes at me but 9/10 it’s the men who can’t juggle their work/home life responsibilities.

Id sit down and tell him exactly how you feel. If he can’t see past his job and golf and start putting you and the kids first, then unfortunately it won’t get any better. My friends are all better off without their husbands in this situation because the men now have to have the children by themselves and they now get a break. One of them is trying to make it work but he’s still struggling to juggle it all. Women just seem to get on with it.

A good few years ago I never saw my husband at all. He was basically married to his job and would be out of the house 10/12 hours a day Monday to Friday and still tried to get overtime on a Saturday to make more money. He couldn’t see past the pound signs on his wage slip. We didn’t need the money, I needed him at home helping me with the 3 kids!
So, I wrote it all in a letter and left it for him as I took the kids out for the day. When we returned, he apologised and really didn’t see things from my perspective.
3 months later he handed his notice in and left and now has a job where he can do the afternoon pick ups and I do the morning. Everything is now split 50/50 but it took me threatening to leave to wake him up. We now spend more time together doing date nights and overnight stays to rebuild the relationship.
But you’ve got to want it. You’ve got to do something because you will end up resentful and hating him. It’s whether at this point you want to make it work because how it’s going now, it won’t get any better, believe me.

Things need to change. Sending lots of love, I’ve been there x

Cut back on the kids activities and why did you agree to getting a dog? My family are desperate for a dog but as I know it will fall mostly on me i have said no for the last 5 years. I'll probably get one when dc leave home.

Dh and I had a discussion early on when l first went back to work after dc1 about sharing the load. We both said what we did (washing, cooking, night waking, shopping, baths etc) I wrote it down on yellow sticky notes and put the sticky on the wall in either his or my column.

The clear visual evidence of how much l did versus him helped dh see it wasn't 50/50 shared like he thought it was.