DH time v my time

[80sbabyxx]

Yet another Saturday morning argument with DH

I am a teacher work 850-330 mon to fri

he is in emergency services so works shift work sometimes 50 hours a week

I do all the school runs drop offs and pick ups
I do all the after school activities (football, gymnastics, dance, drama) so three nights a week I am not home with the kids u til 8pm so it's an on the go dinner homework in the car while the other does their hobby and switch (I have three kids 6,7 and 12)
I do all the cleaning, cooking and washing. We also have a five month old puppy and I do all the looking after of her when DH isn't home then he does look after the puppy.

on a Saturday DH works two Saturdays a month from 5pm to 3am on a Saturday morning be leaves at 8am to go do his hobby so on the Saturdays he's working he's not here at all. Then on a Sunday he declares it's his day to do nothing as he is tired and it's his 'only' day off. Now he is off tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday so it doesn't ring true this week. Even though he is off I will still do all the pick ups and drop offs because he has a van and can't take all 3 on the school runs and I obviously need my car to drive to work so he will have a nice relaxing Monday and Tuesday from 750am.

I go out with my friends once every 5/6 weeks for a night out might be for drinks or just to one of their houses. Anytime I complain I am tired he tells me I get to go out more than him...he doesn't think his 8 hours of golf on a Saturday count. He also tells me how I shouldn't be complaining about being tired as I have every weekend off...but I'm not galavanting majority of the time I'm looking after the kids and dog alone.

Is he being an asshole we just had an argument t on the phone as he rang me on his way to golf (from his parents house as he meets them every Saturday morning for breakfast) and it took three goes for me to answer the phone I was dealing with the kids!

I am generalising but literally this is most men! It also carries on even when the children are older, the mental load is never equal.
This is why divorces are common in later life, Women have had enough of these Man Babies / Lazy Bastards.

Yes! If mine has had a disappointing trip to the football, he doesn't seem to think of it as free time at all - it's not my fault he chose to spend it in that way!

I’m sorry I’ve nothing constructive to add but he sounds a right prick! I’m sorry you’re dealing with all this and hope you get that lottery win or find another way out of this situation x

That's all really crappy op.

Can he not walk or bus the school runs?!
Maybe he ought to swap his van for a car his kids can get in? 🙄

It sounds like you know he won't change.
So maybe start planning how you can leave and live without this selfish tosser. A cheaper area, a smaller house, I'm not sure but I'd be looking at any and every possible option and start setting goals to make it happen. At least not living with him reduces your load and your resentment levels and he will have to contribute financially to the kids unless he wants to do 50/50 - which would involve actually parenting them.

I'd seen a quote on here last week about a lot of men want a wife and kids but don't want to be a husband and father. Seems apt for this thread too.

Your husband is a selfish prick. He doesn't appreciate all the solo parenting you do

He’s a massive arsehole and incredibly selfish. He sees his own time and recuperation time as more important than yours. He does not value your unpaid labour. Please consider whether you are willing to put up with this for the rest of the time your children depend on you (and in all honesty likely thereafter).

Either he does every other Saturday and you get the alternate off. Or you get Sundays off.

and it took three goes for me to answer the phone I was dealing with the kids!

He had a go at you because you didn't answer his call quick enough?

Ooft! OP, that's no life. It's exhausting just reading!

You'd be better off on your own unless there some massive changes take place. Doesn't sound like you DH would entertain any discussion.

Please don't spend the rest of your life like this...

I don’t know how you can live like this. It doesn’t matter if the house is in his name surely, you’re married and have 2 children together so he would need to support you. I think he should fuck off back to mum and dad who have obviously raised him to be a spoilt brat. You could then work out the logistics of halving the house in the coming time and see what you could afford on your own with the equity and your own mortgage? I’m sure you could do tutoring to supplement your income too. We’ve had tutors for ours and the last few years it’s been online so no need to go out of the house to do that. He would have to have them (you’d hope) one night a week and one night at the weekend so think how much time you’d have that you just don’t get now. It’s got to be better than this life?

I have two brother in laws who are brilliant husbands and dads so I know it's not all men. It amazes me when my sisters tell me things they do. I feel sad for the kids they are great kids so I don't see why he wouldn't want to spend more time with them at the weekends... and o don't think they are getting the best version of me as I'm always his running on overdrive and thinking of the next thing I have to do. I'm gonna take them and th dog out for a big walk this afternoon then do a movie night and tomorrow they all have plans with friends oldest has made her own plans and I'm taking the younger two to soft play with a friend each. He can have his day infront of the tv for all I care better than listening to him shouting at us all day.

the house is his dads so I wouldn't have any right to it the way we've paid the rent he's our landlord but would eventually be ours in the 'will'.my own fault I should have tried to get something in writting

YANBU - he is a lazy bastard!

I dated a man who played golf - it takes ages and all they care about. I ended the relationship because he and his brother and father all played gold Saturday and Sunday. It wasn’t the life for me.

I think work on that plan to leave. He is a shit partner and husband. Selfish git. Doesn’t sound like he will ever change or accept that he isn’t pulling his weight.

Does he have to have a van or can he swap it for a car? My dh has a work van too and it is really annoying as he isn’t allowed to drive it outside of work, so all school runs and clubs fall to me. I’m also a teacher and it’s a nightmare for parents’ evening etc.

In the meantime I think you need to reduce the amount of after school clubs a bit to help make it a bit more manageable. I would never have agreed to the puppy - is rehoming it a possibility? I know that’s not a decision taken lightly.

I would recommend going to see a lawyer to understand your rights. You may find if you were to divorce you would get enough of the shared assets to make living independently realistic. Knowledge is power.

The shouting at you all the time is enough to call it quits. Not good for the DC or the puppy.

I'd be looking at getting proper advice. You can't go on like this.

On a separate note, I did all the housework whilst my DH went out to work and now he's retired, he's moaning about how much work there is to do here. So he may well be clueless but he also sounds nasty.

he meets them EVERY saturday morning for breakfast
well he can take the kids with him for a start give you a break EVERY saturday jeez

My husband telling me I was lazy when I do all the drop offs and pick ups, often the weekend days and all the cooking would be the first and last straw for me. You should have equal amounts of free time and he’s taking the piss. What would you actually lose without him?

he starts taking the kids to golf EVERY TIME you INSIST

I’m really sorry to say this but it doesn’t sound like he loves or respects you.
I think your best option is to leave tbh. Claim benefits if you need to, at least you’ll get some time to yourself and not be constantly abused.

You could try getting a different more demanding job? Get a pay rise, work more hours and just tell him he needs to pick up the slack. He’ll obviously make your life hell but then you divorce in a better financial situation and refuse to take more than 50% parenting.

No all day weekend fun time when you work 50 hours a week and barely see your kids. Dh and I occasionally have weekends where we do something for ourselves all day, but we have very flexible working lives and one or both of us is home with the dc every day from 3pm.

Your Dh has an already challenging shift pattern and long hours. He needs to spend his downtime with his children who he rarely sees. If he wants more leisure time, he needs a different career that has more sociable hours. He also needs to sort his van. Dh has a van. We’ve installed removable seats in the back. They can be taken out if he needs to use the van for hauling things for work, but they go back in when we need seats. We can fit 5 people in there.

You have had some good advice and you do need to look at your choices. He is clearly not going to change his. Your DC don't have to be in clubs every night. It's sad if they have to give them up but as you say, you can't do everything.

The house, if owned by his father, does not belong to him and therefore legally you have no claim on it. If it was promised that it would be yours jointly one day after paying years of rent, then you need to talk to a solicitor to see if you have any claim on it all, but with nothing in writing... they have protected their asset in the event of a split...

You have a choice here. You stay and put up with your life being like this until the DC are older. Or you make plans to leave.

I don’t get the car thing, can he get insured on your car and you drive the van sometimes instead? After golf he can bring them back from his Mums?

You need to try and get a calm time, when you explain you just want to try and work out why you feel so exhausted and write down what each of you do each week.

I don’t think at any point he’s going to revolutionise anything. Maybe he’ll stop calling you lazy. It is unbalanced. Contrary to mumsnet I see this often in real life and it doesn’t change. I’m sorry if this sounds demeaning but for behaviour change (I say this as I don’t know if person change/ belief change is realistic) praising (and if possible get family onboard with this) any efforts he makes to help the household. But this has to appear genuine and with a straight face. Ultimately the puppy and evening activities are your choice. When the children are older it will be easier.

Take a look at the Turn to us website to see what you'd be entitled to in your own. It's actually easier that you don't own a property, as you will get your rent paid plus some UC. Leaving will be easier than you think - do you have Citizens Advice available for an appointment?

You need something for you, he needs to figure out how to be there more. I’m so sorry but my thought process also has to be why on earth did ye get a puppy and do they really need so many activities? But yes your dh is ridiculous- shorter time on golf

And the house thing is such a family control thing. They know what they are doing making sure if you leave it’s with nothing.

Glad you’ve worked out now what a completely abhorrent man he is.

do the sums op.
with your job, child maintenance and UC you may well be just fine.

I would take being single in a much smaller house than living with this arsehole for a second.

for now, detach emotionally completely. Don’t do any housework/cooking/shopping that is just for him. Obviously no shagging but I’m sure you can’t stand that anyway with someone who treats you like this.