DH time v my time

[80sbabyxx]

Yet another Saturday morning argument with DH

I am a teacher work 850-330 mon to fri

he is in emergency services so works shift work sometimes 50 hours a week

I do all the school runs drop offs and pick ups
I do all the after school activities (football, gymnastics, dance, drama) so three nights a week I am not home with the kids u til 8pm so it's an on the go dinner homework in the car while the other does their hobby and switch (I have three kids 6,7 and 12)
I do all the cleaning, cooking and washing. We also have a five month old puppy and I do all the looking after of her when DH isn't home then he does look after the puppy.

on a Saturday DH works two Saturdays a month from 5pm to 3am on a Saturday morning be leaves at 8am to go do his hobby so on the Saturdays he's working he's not here at all. Then on a Sunday he declares it's his day to do nothing as he is tired and it's his 'only' day off. Now he is off tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday so it doesn't ring true this week. Even though he is off I will still do all the pick ups and drop offs because he has a van and can't take all 3 on the school runs and I obviously need my car to drive to work so he will have a nice relaxing Monday and Tuesday from 750am.

I go out with my friends once every 5/6 weeks for a night out might be for drinks or just to one of their houses. Anytime I complain I am tired he tells me I get to go out more than him...he doesn't think his 8 hours of golf on a Saturday count. He also tells me how I shouldn't be complaining about being tired as I have every weekend off...but I'm not galavanting majority of the time I'm looking after the kids and dog alone.

Is he being an asshole we just had an argument t on the phone as he rang me on his way to golf (from his parents house as he meets them every Saturday morning for breakfast) and it took three goes for me to answer the phone I was dealing with the kids!

OP what do you want from this thread? Your husband doesn’t like or care for you or your kids. He won’t step up or change. He is lazy and verbally abusive. You know this. You need to either take steps to leave him or work towards a future where you can leave him. Yes he is unreasonable. But Nothing you say or do will change him!

Calling you lazy and have a dig when you ask for help is a tactic to stop you asking
How was your relationship with your eldests father because it seems that he has also made the decision to opt out of parenting too. I have a 5 yo and a 5mo and there are challenges to juggling the two of them but it's something both my partner and I are committed to doing. They are both ours which does make it slightly different but having children with two different mothers isn't a free pass to drop the eldest in favour of the new baby.

If you look back over your relationships how well balanced have they been? It seems like you have been conditioned into accepting that this is the life you have to tolerate and wonder where that expectation has come from.

Oh OP 💐You are run ragged.
I was there recently, 2 of us in full time jobs, 3 kids, hobbies out our ears - rugby, swimming, gymnastics, piano.
It was exhausting, sometimes being like ships passing in the night and that’s with my DH doing a bulk of the housework / cooking etc.
If he wanted sometime alone for his hobby, I’d be furious as I’d want my own time.. there just wasn’t enough hours for us all.
I ended up cutting down to a 3 day week after returning to work after having our 3rd. I just couldn’t juggle all the balls anymore, it wasn’t fair on the kids and financially it made sense as my DH earned more than twice what I did.

Our situation has changed now as I’m a SAHM for the next few years as we moved abroad.

For you, I’d recommend saying ‘Sunday mornings are mine’. From 9am - 1pm OUT YOU GO.
Go for a breakfast, a coffee, go read a book or go for a swim. Do something FOR YOU. But it has to be non negotiable.
This is your time.
He can laze on the couch all he wants for the rest of Sunday but Sunday mornings, he is with his children and dog.

Our situations are different in that my DH has never called me lazy and I’d be furious if he did.

Would you want to talk to your DH about all this, how it makes you feel , how he brings so little support to the family? End of the day you guys should be a partnership and you both have a home, both have children to feed, a home to be cleaned, a puppy to be looked after. All this should be shared out and not fall on your shoulders.

Or do you think it’s gone on for too long and nothing will change?

This !!! How the hell . I don't know any teacher who can do any drops offs etc ???

There’s a thread like this every day. Presumably you knew how fucking useless and selfish he is, so why did you add a second child and puppy into the mix? Serious question. You were a golf widow before children, so I would question the first child with him even?

That is some lazy selfish loser you chose to have children with.
A puppy too?

You are very very foolish.
What a waster.
Get rid of the puppy and him.
Poor children.

This for starters.

I read your post and the last sentence made me gasp out what the fuck.

I’m English but live in Northern Ireland and am a secondary teacher. It’s a different world over here which is why most teachers stay in their jobs. Not only do the kids generally respect you but you usually work the hours the OP has described!

OP, you are being fucked over in every way by his family.

Golf doesn't 'count' as free time for him? Absolute bollocks.
His family supports the poor over-worked man while you do EVERYTHING at home and for the children throughout the week and weekends? Absolute bollocks.
His parents own the house you live in, meaning you have no rights there either? Absolute bollocks.

You need to seek legal advice. You'd be better off on your own.

You should have equal amounts of free time - and getting a puppy with your busy, inamicable schedule, just makes my blood boil. No sympathy.

I'm a primary school teacher in Northern Ireland. We do have directed time so I'm not sure how OP is getting away with just being there when the kids are there. For example we have to stay til 4:15 every Thursday, we need to be in for half 8 (though most of us are in earlier and a lot of us have to travel so are on the road by half 7 - my husband does all the school drop offs and pick ups). The work load is definitely easier though I think it depends on the school and the culture of that school amd it's employees. There are very little jobs in the primary sector. Too many teachers and not enough jobs. I did my pgce in England and we are definitely better off here in NI. A much better work/life balance.

It sounds like in an ideal world you would separate (I mean, yes in an ideal world he would step up and stop being a selfish git but that's not going to happen).
So I would be going into full on getting ducks in a row mode. You sound like you have got yourself into a hole and can't see a way out. There is a way out. You can make it happen. Have a look at rental properties. Have at house prices, deposits, mortgages. Have a look at benefits. Your standard of living will go down but your peace of mind is worth more than that.

Edit to add: he gets the puppy in the split

I have been working shifts in NHS for many years & still manage to do (more than) my fair share of family work ! Majority of women who are nurses etc do. It’s only men who seem to get away with opting out.

Please start making a plan to leave him. I assume you’d end up with 100% custody so he’d have to pay you child maintenance. I know things would be tight financially however infinitely better for your mental health.

Yes he’s being v unreasonable playing golf for 8 hours at the weekend when you have young children. However it sounds like you’re overcommitted on kids activities and why the hell would you add a puppy into the mix when you’re already time poor and overwhelmed with everything.

I agree. What an utter lazy bastard he is.

Some threads are so sad.

Please raise you bar OP, you are worth more than the nothing he is giving you

What does he bring to your lives thst makes all the shit he pulls worth it?

(And please please please don't tell me "he's a great dad")

Since when does golf take 8 hours????
We all allow around 4 hours for 18 holes, maybe a little bit more in summer when it's crowded.
He's taking the piss.

Divorce this twat, he is pretending to be a family man based on your time and effort.

I dont think anyone needs to tell you OP that he is massively taking the piss.
I was also thinming do the kids need all these activities? What time do they get off to just be children?
Eating and doing homework in cars is not living to the full in my humble opinion.
My childhood was much more laid back and I still have a great career and ample university qualifications.
If your H wanted three kids then he has to look after them he cant just spend all his free time on his hobbies.
I rather be a single parent and claim CMS than put up with that shit.

that is a widow's life, they call them military widows. That is similar. There should be a surgeon's widow, a policeman's widow and

Angry to read all the thread. You are paying rent to his father....

I teach secondary and I do about 40 hours a week on an 80% timetable! Prepping and marking are very time consuming but I teachers mostly A Level and GCSE.

Your DH sounds like a dick. Free time should be split equally. Same for chores.

I have my 3 kids all school holidays and my DH leaves me to do everything because I'm on holiday. I will get a break going back next week!

Look I was going to suggest that he needs to get a new car and stop with the golf but honestly I think you’ve got bigger problems here. You need to make a credible plan to leave. Could you start saving asap? Even if it means some online tutoring in the evenings. You’re on a decent salary so if what’s happening is that you’re spending all your money on the kids whilst he saves or buys golf tat, this has to stop.

Is there anywhere you could stay temporarily at least? With family/ friends? Can you make sure you know what he’s earning so he can’t wriggle out of paying CMS (or the equivalent where you are). Are you claiming child benefit/ other benefits? Have you worked out what benefits you’d get if you divorced? Would you be entitled to some sort of social housing or a housing trust (you are a key worker after all).

Ultimately he’s not going to change but if you want to get out, there will be a way to do it.

So you're doing everything at home and for the kids and working full time and he calls you lazy? I'd be absolutely bloody livid if I were you. I'm not sure I could live with someone so selfish and unappreciative.