DH time v my time

[80sbabyxx]

Yet another Saturday morning argument with DH

I am a teacher work 850-330 mon to fri

he is in emergency services so works shift work sometimes 50 hours a week

I do all the school runs drop offs and pick ups
I do all the after school activities (football, gymnastics, dance, drama) so three nights a week I am not home with the kids u til 8pm so it's an on the go dinner homework in the car while the other does their hobby and switch (I have three kids 6,7 and 12)
I do all the cleaning, cooking and washing. We also have a five month old puppy and I do all the looking after of her when DH isn't home then he does look after the puppy.

on a Saturday DH works two Saturdays a month from 5pm to 3am on a Saturday morning be leaves at 8am to go do his hobby so on the Saturdays he's working he's not here at all. Then on a Sunday he declares it's his day to do nothing as he is tired and it's his 'only' day off. Now he is off tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday so it doesn't ring true this week. Even though he is off I will still do all the pick ups and drop offs because he has a van and can't take all 3 on the school runs and I obviously need my car to drive to work so he will have a nice relaxing Monday and Tuesday from 750am.

I go out with my friends once every 5/6 weeks for a night out might be for drinks or just to one of their houses. Anytime I complain I am tired he tells me I get to go out more than him...he doesn't think his 8 hours of golf on a Saturday count. He also tells me how I shouldn't be complaining about being tired as I have every weekend off...but I'm not galavanting majority of the time I'm looking after the kids and dog alone.

Is he being an asshole we just had an argument t on the phone as he rang me on his way to golf (from his parents house as he meets them every Saturday morning for breakfast) and it took three goes for me to answer the phone I was dealing with the kids!

Solidarity OP, my husband is the same. He’s not lazy at all, but doesn’t equally share the load and is fundamentally selfish. I do about 80% of everything with and for the children. Plus I do all the cook, washing and buying. He does the DIY, but usually when I’ve taken the children out so it’s dedicated time. I don’t get that luxury with the daily grind. He does earn more than me, but I’m also a good earner. He just can’t cope with it, isn’t that interested in all the children’s things and I can’t cope with him grumping so I just get on with it. Not the life I would have chosen or would ever choose again. No advice but you are heard.

i am wondering if he was always like this or if it is q new thing? You already had one child when you met him but went on to have two further with him and added a puppy to the mix!

Sounds like he is not really into the family life. If you can’t afford to leave him then I suggest in your mind you think you are single anyway and get on with it. Doesn’t sound as though he will be up for doing his fair share even if you split

Also if you’re still paying rent to his dad out of your own salary just stop and save the money! Tell your H that you’ve had a look at the finances and you’re overpaying on everything else (activities, food, kids clothes, petrol for all the school runs/ activities), so from now on he’s responsible for the rent. You’re never going to benefit from the house and you’ve not got a tenancy in your name.

Chances are his dad will accept a reduced rent and if he does take steps to evict you you might be able to get on a list for social housing. And you’d be saving a bit of money in the meantime.

Always love the dh argument that minding children is so easy that when you do it at the weekend it is a day off. When it comes to him he needs a real day off without minding his children.

Why do you like him? Why do you think it is ok for him to treat you like a skivvy? You are probably still young enough to move out, save for your own house, and continue to do everything but without a judgmental twat telling you that you are lazy.

By the way that house will not be left to both of you. It will be left to your dh alone. You are pouring money down the drain.

Your husband is a c*nt and is not showing any sign of caring about you in the slightest. When you care about someone you offer to help/do more without being asked.

You could ask but he really shouldn’t put you in this position. It should be clear that with a full-time job as well, you can’t do all the childcare/home stuff too.

I hate to jump on the ‘leave him’ bandwagon but come on, be honest, you’ll not notice if you separate. In fact, given that he’ll inevitably want shared custody, you might actually get him to care for his own children and get some time for yourself.

Is your FIL an actual landlord declaring the income for tax or is it under the table? Protect yourself and speak to a solicitor ASAP and get something in writing even if you stay together

You need to start planning to get some assets in your name. He and his father will fuck you over and you will never own or benefit from this house. Stop paying rent, if you pay half, and start saving money to buy your own place. He can reach whatever agreement he needs to with his dad. But you can’t affird to tely on his word or his dad’s word about property. These people will screw you over in a heartbeat.

If you can keep working full time you would be able to buy somewhere for yourselves in NI, without him I mean. He would still have to pay maintenance.
Your ex isn't a prince either is he, having a new baby doesn't make his original child disappear

He's done you like a kipper.

Time to plan things for the future.

Fucking golf....... Or any other hobby that takes parents away from childcare for large parts of the weekend.
It's shit.
I would just say you are sick of it.
Show how many spare hours you have Vs him.

He's awful and selfish.

yes I am in one 'late' day a week. I can do the drop offs as I work in the local school 15 mins from my own kids school so I drop them at 815 I'm in work for 830. I used the 850-330
as my actual teaching time not just when I'm in and in the afternoon I collect the children from the childminder.

writting all this down today and reading the replies has made me realise I need to get my life together. The kids love their activities so I will be keeping with that in terms of the puppy I am very very lucky that my sister wfh and minds the dog every day for me and will keep the puppy late if I need her too. My family are very hands on and helpful which is why I think I have been easy going with him as I have had help but as the kids are older and are out and about more it has weirdly got harder as i
am spending the majority of my evenings driving around after work and trying to juggle everything.

So what’s your plan? What are you going to change?

Where is your money going BTW- I’d assume you’re on a decent wage and really hope your rent is low at least? Working that out might be the first step?

I’d also consider confiding in family and seeing if they can help in terms of leaving the marriage- not just doing what your H should be.

Lets not badger OP to have a fully formed plan this instant. She’s just waking up to the reality that she is paying to be this man’s skivvy, nanny, and everything else while he golfs and spunks their money on rent to his own father.

I hate to say it but having read everything you have written in this thread, unless he changes, you would be better off divorcing him and doing court ordered contact every other weekend.

What a waste of oxygen that man is.

Can I suggest marriage counselling, perhaps having someone in the room witnessing how rubbish he is would give him a kick up the bum.

Failing that, divorce him so he can crawl back into his mother's womb.

That explains it OP. That's handy that you work close to your kids school. My husband and I both have equal free time and do chores fairly equally (though he would probably argue he does more 😂). Silly as this sounds we used a Nipto App where you can tick the chores you do and it gives you points and at the end of the wk and we could tally up our points and see who was doing the most. E.g. bed time per child, dishes, taking out the bins, making dinner, lunch etc. It sounds immature and we only did it for a couple of wks but it made up appreciate that we were both chipping in. In terms of child free time we generally have the same and it's out with friends the odd time, a child free walk/run. Good luck OP. You are both working hard and deserve a break.

I'm not sure what the phone argument was about but if it was purely that you didn't answer first time then he's being a tw*t. He should know what it's like at weekends at home if he was fully involved. He should be sharing the weekend time chores as well as spending time with the kids so you both get time off.

If your husband won't give up the family breakfasts (or take the kids with him) or give up some of the golf (so he can spend time with the kids) then do you have any friends with kids who could look after them for a few hours (or for a sleepover) so you can book yourself in for some 'me time' at a hotel?

You need a break. You are not being unreasonable.

Sorry no advice, from your updates he’s clearly a self entitled prick who couldn’t possibly see sense and has no intention of ever changing.

You’re not wrong, you do plenty and are not lazy at all.

Sorry you have to put up with him for now but I think you know that you need to start getting yourself an escape plan in place. A lottery win is (probably) not going to happen. But you can start saving as much or as little as you can. You can put the feelers out for potential places to stay or additional help you could get. Could take years to make happen but it’ll take years less if you start now than waiting til the kids are grown…

Just another thing, if you can afford it, getting a cleaner is well worth it.
You should not be doing all the housework. Sounds like you are both doing full time hours.
If he won't step up with helping the household run more smoothly, pay for help if you can. If he baulks at this, ask him how much is his golf membership

Honestly, men like this are just infuriating

Cut down on the activities, the kids really don't care.

You didn't really need a dog.

A full Saturday golfing is too much.... But tbh 50 hours a week and working overnights I couldn't really begrudge it tbh.

I'd say you need to be more sensible in YOUR approach to YOUR time

Your DH is clearly employing that method now -

I wouldn't tolerate that from the beginning. He would be told to help or F Off. I have health problems so DH has no choice but to help with childcare. He does majority of running around taking DC to clubs after school. He does majority of shopping for groceries. I do DIY and cooking and washing up.

Hi OP I am wondering about your self condifence, that you have got yourself into this situation. You had a young child and were a single parent. What was it about your current partner that made it seem like a good idea to have 2 more children with another man with an obsesssive Golf hobby and so close in age (6&7) with him? Where did you meet etc?

I actually think the app sounds good! Whoever gets the least points needs to treat the other lol

Comment removed as I quoted someone without meaning to!

He has the actual fucking cheek to call you lazy! He needs a massive reality check.

😂 It actually did put to rest silly arguments over who did more and you can change the points and add chores etc for example - I had to do my daughter's hair every morning which was tough to brush through so you know I deserved points for that. 😂 Nipto App and 2 TVs - every partnership should have.