DH time v my time

[80sbabyxx]

Yet another Saturday morning argument with DH

I am a teacher work 850-330 mon to fri

he is in emergency services so works shift work sometimes 50 hours a week

I do all the school runs drop offs and pick ups
I do all the after school activities (football, gymnastics, dance, drama) so three nights a week I am not home with the kids u til 8pm so it's an on the go dinner homework in the car while the other does their hobby and switch (I have three kids 6,7 and 12)
I do all the cleaning, cooking and washing. We also have a five month old puppy and I do all the looking after of her when DH isn't home then he does look after the puppy.

on a Saturday DH works two Saturdays a month from 5pm to 3am on a Saturday morning be leaves at 8am to go do his hobby so on the Saturdays he's working he's not here at all. Then on a Sunday he declares it's his day to do nothing as he is tired and it's his 'only' day off. Now he is off tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday so it doesn't ring true this week. Even though he is off I will still do all the pick ups and drop offs because he has a van and can't take all 3 on the school runs and I obviously need my car to drive to work so he will have a nice relaxing Monday and Tuesday from 750am.

I go out with my friends once every 5/6 weeks for a night out might be for drinks or just to one of their houses. Anytime I complain I am tired he tells me I get to go out more than him...he doesn't think his 8 hours of golf on a Saturday count. He also tells me how I shouldn't be complaining about being tired as I have every weekend off...but I'm not galavanting majority of the time I'm looking after the kids and dog alone.

Is he being an asshole we just had an argument t on the phone as he rang me on his way to golf (from his parents house as he meets them every Saturday morning for breakfast) and it took three goes for me to answer the phone I was dealing with the kids!

Does this man brining anything to your life?

If he thinks you're lazy then I'd stop msging his dinners and washing his clothes.

He sounds like a sexist wanker.

Honestly.... Either put your foot down and her him to do more with the kids at weekend... Or tell him you're going to leave.

He thinks he can put it all on you and you'll just suck it up

My husband did shift work, 2 weeks on and 2 weeks off. I fully expected him to help when he was back and he did. Sure we might have had a few rows about it, but he did do it. I don’t know about the argument about who is having more free time than the other…but he should definitely be pulling his weight more in terms of kids, chores, dinner, after school clubs etc

When I first read your posts, I was thinking that maybe there needs to be more communication. I remember a time when my DH and I were working very hard but in different ways and we both were having a tough time in our own way. It felt like we stopped communicating and showing care for each other as we were each just trying to get through the day. But we started talking properly again and things are so much better and we are back to operating as a proper team again. We absolutely have each others back.
But your post here where you say he calls you lazy for me crosses a line. It’s not him feeling life is tough but him actively putting you down to effectively gaslight you into thinking any issues you raise are not reasonable ones. I think he believes his own hype and to be frank he doesn’t sound very nice at all. If he won’t engage in reasonable dialogue then I’m not sure where you go from there. I’d suggest therapy of some kind to figure out what you want and how you want to live so whatever decisions you make, you have thought them through with support.

Is he at golf today? I’d just put all his stuff in bin bags out the front and change the locks. He sounds vile and abusive, he can go have breakfast with his parents every day. Spoilt mummy’s boy who thinks you are his personal maid, housekeeper and sex provider. Just stop it, today. He won’t change.

He dares to call lazy???!

I think your schedule is insane and you will burn out.

He's not going to change, he sounds quite selfish and actually he doesn't much practically for the family at all. he's like a single man who basically takes the entire weekend for himself.

No, things need to change. Buy another car so he can ferry the children about when you drive to work. Drop some of the afterschool clubs. It's too much to be getting home late 3 evenings a week. Divorce the selfish manchild who puts golf above family.

No, she'll get one or the other. And the kids will get to spend time with their father.

If you won't do that, get up early one or two mornings at the weekend and go out. Just go and enjoy yourself. You'll have a nervous breakdown if you don't.

There are 168 hours in a week. He works 50 and then say 56 for sleep. That still leaves 62 hours where he doesn’t seem to do a single bit of parenting or housework.

meanwhile you don’t seem to have a single hour where you aren’t doing one of the above things?!

It sounds like he doesn't think that looking after kids, cooking for them, getting them to and from school etc is work (or more accurately its womens work so doesn't count).

What do you actually want to happen OP? He sounds quite extreme in how little he values your contribution, how selfish he is over his own free time and how he speaks to you (the absolute cheek of calling you lazy when he does nothing). If he has been brought up like that, and his family are still reinforcing that he is right and you need to do more, then I think the chances of him being reasonable and realising how much you do and stepping up to share the load are slim to none. Someone who says they need do not need to do their share of parenting because they only get one day off a week when factually they have 3, is not going to respond to any rational argument. Do you think you would split over this? Do you think he would ever see the kids?

I’ve got relatives who work as teachers in Northern Ireland. Their experience of teaching and the workload is so different to mine in England. So much so that we have considered moving there!

Basically this. Spell it out in these numbers. if he doesn't get it, it's because he doesn't want to because the current setup works for him just fine.

And yes he is abusive like pp have said here. Anyone who takes their leisure time at the expense of YOUR leisure time, especially where you don't get anytime to yourself and are ran ragged from work, childcare, home etc, is abusive. He calls you lazy in order to gaslight you so you don't bring up these issues.

Hes an idiot.

He sounds absolutely awful. You definitely shouldn't be doing chores like laundry or cooking for someone who speaks to you this way. What an absolute brat and his family for encouraging him to have no responsibility for his children. ...wow just wow
What a luxury life he leads at your expense

With all that on your plate, why on earth did you get a puppy? Apart from horses, they are the most time-consuming pets.

It sounds like you are a single parent in some ways

Who on earth thought adding a puppy was workable? And who is the puppy with when you are both working ?!

Sorry it sounds tough I would not stay with a man like this. The golf situation of him not counting it ??? And having days off but not doing childcare ? Bizarre

Goodness me! He’s definitely taking the piss. Stop bending over backwards for him. I know easier said than done. But sod him and sod his parents. (I am a single mum working 4 days a week and my life seems easier than yours)

Rehome the dog. Sounds drastic, but less drastic than divorce

yes I thought this too.

Him calling you lazy sounds nasty and abusive.

Having golf as a hobby is fine. What’s not fine is then failing to understand that this is leisure time.

I can’t believe the difference in teaching in England! How depressing.

@80sbabyxxwhat’s the recruitment and retention like in teaching there, just out of interest?

Agree not too late with a cute puppy to send back to breeder to be rehoused. Otherwise is going to be impossible if you split with him

A starting point would be for you to swop vehicles on his weekday days off and he does the school runs etc...
He can do laundry and cleaning and cooking on his days off.. just like you do...
And you need equal time to yourselves... So less golf and more you time..
Otherwise you might as well be a single parent.. can't see that would change your life much from what you have said...
Being a man doesn't mean being less of a parent.. except that is what he is choosing...

I mean he sounds awful and is clearly a selfish arsehole but was the golf obsession a thing when you met him? I'm guessing if it was you thought he would change when you had kids? If his dad is the same and enabled by his mum you have no chance this will change sadly.