DH time v my time

[80sbabyxx]

Yet another Saturday morning argument with DH

I am a teacher work 850-330 mon to fri

he is in emergency services so works shift work sometimes 50 hours a week

I do all the school runs drop offs and pick ups
I do all the after school activities (football, gymnastics, dance, drama) so three nights a week I am not home with the kids u til 8pm so it's an on the go dinner homework in the car while the other does their hobby and switch (I have three kids 6,7 and 12)
I do all the cleaning, cooking and washing. We also have a five month old puppy and I do all the looking after of her when DH isn't home then he does look after the puppy.

on a Saturday DH works two Saturdays a month from 5pm to 3am on a Saturday morning be leaves at 8am to go do his hobby so on the Saturdays he's working he's not here at all. Then on a Sunday he declares it's his day to do nothing as he is tired and it's his 'only' day off. Now he is off tomorrow, Monday and Tuesday so it doesn't ring true this week. Even though he is off I will still do all the pick ups and drop offs because he has a van and can't take all 3 on the school runs and I obviously need my car to drive to work so he will have a nice relaxing Monday and Tuesday from 750am.

I go out with my friends once every 5/6 weeks for a night out might be for drinks or just to one of their houses. Anytime I complain I am tired he tells me I get to go out more than him...he doesn't think his 8 hours of golf on a Saturday count. He also tells me how I shouldn't be complaining about being tired as I have every weekend off...but I'm not galavanting majority of the time I'm looking after the kids and dog alone.

Is he being an asshole we just had an argument t on the phone as he rang me on his way to golf (from his parents house as he meets them every Saturday morning for breakfast) and it took three goes for me to answer the phone I was dealing with the kids!

Op this does not sound like it is salvageable.

I would start by rehoming the puppy. You have way too much other stuff on your plate to give it a good home. And I’d bet it was his idea as a way of keeping you tied down now the kids are getting older and you might have more time to do your own stuff.

Then start putting aside some cash in a safe place and investigating your options. Work out what benefits you might be entitled to and what child maintenance would be. Does your job offer EAP? If so it’s worth speaking to someone there just for support and they will have resources. Remind yourself that you are pretty damn amazing to do all you do and that you deserve a life where you are valued and your needs are met

Why did he have kids if he doesn’t want to be with them?

Can I just say as well, when I read your op, I assumed none of the children were his as he doesn’t seem to do anything for or with them. I think it would serve their long term interests better to switch from doing gymnastics etc (if that is the financial result) to getting them away from a father who shouts at them and shows them on a daily basis that he couldn’t give a shit about them. He will of course continue to show them he doesn’t give a shit about them, certainly not above himself, but at least divorce will show them that it isn’t acceptable for them going forward to either be like that as a father, or marry someone like that if they’re girls. Staying shows them that his behaviour is fine.

I’d be tempted to go straight for divorce. Share the children 50:50 and see how he fits his golf in then.

You’re being used and treated like an idiot by him.

You ca continue as you are or leave. I don’t see any compromise coming from him.

I find the suggestions that the activities that be cut are the kids activities a bit shit. He needs to pull his weight, it's not on the kids to facilitate him.

If I were you i would start stashing money away to leave. Look at what you would be entitled to benefits wise and child support. You're doing it all anyway and youre not happy. He doesnt bring anything positive to your life. You deserve better.

Blimey, the more you write about him, the worse he sounds.
Do you have family that could help you to leave the waste of space?

When do you do your planning? You're working way more than that

Your dh is a selfish prick and your mil is always going to protect her own flesh and blood. I would do your own thing on Sundays not every week but get some me time leave the kids with him when your other dc can be with her dad. Then take yourself off somewhere nice. Don’t do house stuff on your return if he says anything say it’s my day off. There is no point trying to do family time he’s not interested his golf is far more important than all of you. You get plenty of time with your dc so give him his chance to be a father also most mums give more than the dad it’s what’s expected of us. Men who think their hobbies are more important than their children are selfish no other way to describe them.

Emergency services workers may work 50 hours some weeks, but the standard shift patterns mean that they average about 40 hours per week. You say you earn more, so this seems to back that up.
You said he has Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday off. Is he a firefighter? They get to sleep on their night shifts, just having to go out on 'shouts'.
It seems that the irregularity of his working pattern has enabled him to get out of sharing any responsibility for your children.
So sorry I can't offer a solution.

I have recently left my ED nursing job and gone down the management route. I was always a shift worker (DH always a Monday- Friday worker) but I did school runs, after school activities and housework on my days off and normally post night shifts I did all this half asleep…dread to think what I looked like to other parents! I now work Monday - Friday with weekends off and we’re working this new normal between us. But I have said to my DH with the weekend kids activities he never actually gets a day off! Your DH is being totally unreasonable and needs to step up I get that he’s cramming full time hours into less days but parenting / housework never stops!

He sounds incredibly selfish in all this and lucky he has a hobby you’re being far too generous to him!

Just go out on Sunday. Don't ask, get up and go. When he realises you aren't there presumably he will look after the kids. Send him a text saying you will be back in 8 hours (but this doesn't count as you time) and then put your phone on silent or turn it off.
Talking to him hasn't worked so you need to show him. Hopefully he'll realise what a twat he's being if he doesn't I'd reconsider the relationship. If you split up he'd probably have the kids more.

The problem here is not about free time but about how much time you both do in relation to parenting and home stuff.
Its sounds like he does about 5% and you do 95%.
If you do earn more than him would it be a massive issue if you were no longer together.
If you still want to be with this man, you really need to sit down and tell him exactly what you've said in this post.
Tbh he sounds very selfish with an awful family.
Good luck op x

He is - very clearly - not going to pull his weight. Ever. There are no magic words that will change such inherent selfishness.

you can’t force him to be a decent person.

all you can do is accept he’s awful, always will be, and look to how to get the best future possible for op and her kids.

I would say the kids would do far better from not having to live with an arsehole and be role modelled that this is normal, than learning to do a cartwheel.

He’s calling YOU lazy! He is lazy.

Your life would no doubt be easier if he wasn’t there at all.

If he is telling you that you are lazy on top of not helping then that really is moving into the realms of abuse. Sorry.

I’m sorry, he has the audacity to call you lazy?!! Honestly, I’d be showing him lazy! I wouldn’t be doing any of his laundry, cooking any of his meals, and household tasks that directly relate to him would be stopped and handed over to him!

Also, not sure it was the best idea to get a puppy, when presumably this behaviour has been going on for a while?

I’d be sitting him down and showing him a list of all the tasks completed by each of you in 24 hours on a week day, a Saturday and a day in school holidays. One column of tasks, one for you, one for DH and tick who does what. Let’s see how balanced they are across the board?

I really hate these people who don’t see “parenting tasks” as work! It’s usually because they don’t do them! Or they say “the kids should drop activities” if you don’t like it!

How is teaching in Northern Ireland so different? I'm doing on average 55 to 60 hours a week as a SENCo who also has a teaching commitment.

I moved from England to Scotland and the difference in work/life balance is astounding. Most teachers in Scotland rock up about 8.30 and leave shortly after the bell at the end of the day unless there are meetings.
My friend also moved from being a maths teacher in England to HoD in the Highlands. He has more free time as HoD up here then he did as 'just' a teacher in England. He's even taken up golf!

At the start of your thread, I was going to suggest you map out a month (because of his shift patterns) and show how much you each spend at work (including home marking etc.), how much you each spend on domestic chores (cooking, cleaning, life admin), how much time you each spend ferrying the kids around, how much time you have to do your own thing (hobbies, socialising), how much time you spend together as a family, how much time you each spend quality time individually with your children. And have a conversation about the balance.

But, the more I read your posts, I just think he’s a bit of a selfish arse. There’s not realising how unbalanced are, and not giving a shit about it. From your posts, he could fall into the latter category. Don’t let the housing situation be a stumbling block. I know that’s easy for others to say, but it doesn’t have to be insurmountable. Start making a plan. Get advice. Life is very short. Good luck.

Similar in Scotland. See my post above.

As others have said, he sounds like a selfish prick.
I think he's probably calling you lazy to deflect from the fact that HE is lazy. He won't change, why would he when he has such an easy ride right now? Changing doesn't benefit him directly. It benefits you, and the DC, and the family unit, but not him. And it doesn't sound like he actually gives a fuck about you, or your DC, or your family unit.

Ideally I would leave him, but at the very least I would stop doing anything for him. No laundry, cooking, shopping for him, tidying after him, none of it. He can't expect the benefits of team work, without pulling his weight.

@80sbabyxx The more you write about him, the more I think you need to get those ducks sorted out and leave him, but this stood out for me, as well as some other things

Then on a Sunday he declares it's his day to do nothing as he is tired and it's his 'only' day off

He said it was your choice to be teacher. Well surely it was his choice to do the job he is doing and knew about the shifts etc?

Did he even want to be a dad, as he doesn't sound like he wants to be one.

I like the pp idea of writing down all the things you do and all the things you do, so he can see exactly how you are very much not lazy. Not that you should have to spell it out, but in this case I think it will help you decide, by his reaction, what your next move will be. Completely different but I did one for a period diary for my gp as just telling them they were bad wasn't enough. It certainly hammered home just what things were like for me, and it will, if not hammer it home for him as I think he knows exactly how much you do, but will show you how little he does. And just how well you'd cope without him in your life.

Oh, and have your phone off when he's not there. Who tf does he think he is getting so angry you weren't able to answer his oh so (not) important call?

He sounds awful. Anyone who spoke to me like he talks to you would be out the door like a shot. I'd write down a week (or fortnight or month) and work out exactly how much time each of you spend on paid employment, unpaid work (house, life admin etc), childcare, and leisure. Not necessarily to show to him as he sounds like an arsehole who will just gaslight you, but to give yourself proper proof of the injustice and inequality.

he tells me how lazy I am but I really don't think I am the house is spotless the kids get to do all their activities and don't miss out. Dinners are made I don't see how I'm lazy to him

He sounds like a sexist wanker tbh. As well as lazy and possibly abusive too, with the shouting. How you've got to having 3 kids and a puppy with someone who is evidently not a team player and treats you like a skivvy is regrettable but he's clearly done a number on you and made you feel like this is acceptable. Which it isn't.

As you say you prefer it when he's not around, you'd be better off without him anyway. I don't see how it can be any worse without him, as at least you'd have your self-esteem and self-respect within your own control instead of being eroded by his BS and crappy behaviour. Stop making his dinners and start looking out for yourself and the DC only. He can fuck off to golf while you get your ducks in a row and make plans for a better life without this crap to manage.