To be bothered about this interaction with manager?

[SorcererGaheris]

I volunteer in a charity shop (it's a bookshop) and our manager is a very nice person who I get along with.

I have noticed that when she is feeling very stressed, she can sometimes speak in quite a snappish way. (Understandable, I know.) I should perhaps add that she is under a lot of pressure generally from higher management, who moan at her any time the shop is closed for a day (due to not enough volunteers being able to come in or volunteers refusing to come in on that day because there is so much uncollected stock in the basement - the waste collection company is supposed to come every week, but often goes four or five weeks without showing up.)

For about three weeks, the shop's toilet has had a leak, which has also entailed the manager having to come in early on a Sunday morning (her one full day off) and mop up the accumulated water, and put down cardboard and newspaper to try to soak up some of the water during the day.

Last week, someone finally came in to begin work on fixing the leak - we had needed to wait until someone higher in the charity gave the go-ahead for this to happen, which was why it didn't get sorted out sooner.

Throughout this whole period, we have all continued to use the toilet, as it still worked perfectly well. When I arrived for one of my shifts last week, the first thing I did was use the toilet (having had a coffee before making my way into the shop, I need to go as soon as I get in.) I noticed that work had begun on fixing the toilet, and could not see any sign of the panel on which is affixed the buttons to flush the toilet. All I could see was some pipes and metal, etc.

Not wanting to start rooting around in case I disturbed or messed up something, I used the toilet, but didn't flush, as I couldn't see the mechanism by which to do this.

I had literally just stepped out of the toilet when the manager came into the back. I thought I should explain to her the reason why I hadn't flushed. I started to explain, but no sooner had I got a few words out about using the toilet than the manager cut across me and snapped, "You can do what you like, I just want to wash my hands!"

I was startled at what seemed to me a needlessly aggressive reaction to an innocent statement. I repeated again that I had already used the toilet and due to the work having been started on it, could not figure out how to flush. She said, still in a snappy tone, "You press the button." I explained that the button wasn't visible and would she be able to show me what to do.

She went into the toilet and pulled out the panel from amongst the pipes (the panel had been put in there facing in the opposite direction, so I didn't realise that it had the buttons on the other side.)

I didn't know, at that moment, that shortly before I had arrived, the till had stopped working properly (so they could only take cash transactions) so that must have been another stress factor for her.

I do understand the effects of stress and how it impacts our behaviour. Hell, I'm not immune to it myself. So a part of me is understanding - but at the same time, it wasn't pleasant to be spoken to in such a sharp, snappy way over innocent statements. I would think that part of being a manager is to not take out your stress on your volunteers.

So, on one hand, I understand why she spoke like that, but I still feel a bit bothered by it, because it's not a nice way to be spoken to.

Here you go. I’ve saved you a job.

https://www.rcn.org.uk/Get-Help/Member-support-services/Peer-support-services/Neurodiversity-Guidance/What-is-Neurodiversity

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

@ThePieceHall it's an NHS Mental Health, Learning Disability and Autism NHS Trust.... shall I tell them that they're wrong and some random on the internet knows better? If we were all neurodiverse, there would be no such thing as neurotypical. Anyway, stop derailing the thread further, I've started my own to debate the topic.

You are welcome to tell them that they are wrong. The NHS is not 100 per cent infallible. If you’re policing other people’s disability language, then why won’t you accept that yours could be mistaken? You could actually just look it all up in various dictionaries. Neurodivergent does not equal neurodiverse. The two terms mean very different things. They are not interchangeable.

I will repeat neurodiversity = the whole world ie neurotypical and neurodivergent brains. We are a diverse world. A world of diversity. Neurodivergent = those who diverge from the norm. Neurotypical = the vast majority of the global population. It’s really not that hard. Neurodiversity encompasses the neurodivergent and the neurotypical. Neurodivergent does not. Your trust is not using the correct language. This does not surprise me. You could all just Google this and/or check dictionaries.

Sigh, we are all neurodiverse.

Sigh, derailing the thread is boring and so is replying to yourself 🙄

@ThePieceHall

Well, I am autistic. But I don't understand why you extrapolate that she has to deal with this day in and day out? What typically happens is that I show up, get to work, and we might have some friendly conversation throughout the course of the time we overlap. Generally, I just get on with tasks that need doing.

You absolutely could have looked for the flush yourself.

You chose not to, because you have decided you are too clumsy.

You decided instead to ask her.

Your decision made her already stressful morning a bit more stressful.

@Shutuptrevor

You absolutely could have looked for the flush yourself.
You chose not to, because you have decided you are too clumsy

Yes, I don't deny that. I could have looked around for it, but I was too frightened that by prodding around I would inadvertently break something.

Your decision made her already stressful morning a bit more stressful.

Perhaps it did inadvertently cause her additional stress. I do feel that had I moved things around and accidentally messed up the toilet again (just a day or so after the leak had been repaired) then that would have made things a lot more stressful for her.

Quite recently, I attempted to help with something practical at home and ended up breaking something (it got fixed.) That's not a new occurrence for me. There is a reason why I'm very cautious and wary of getting involved in certain practical tasks - as I'm aware that at the very least, I'll probably be a hindrance - at the worst, I might inadvertently mess things up further.

Yes, we get how YOU feel. You’ve explained it at length. You really don’t need to keep saying that bit.

Nevertheless, your choice not to look for the flush yourself made HER morning more stressful.

OP, really, just move on! To use my own co-worker's favourite expression, which usually makes me roll my eyes a bit but which seems peculiarly appropriate here: "It's not that deep".

You might stress her out foumg to the loo all the time instead of just going at home before you get to work.

And yes you’re making a mountain out of a molehill and writing this up as if you’re going to complain about her to HR. Which will be a waste of everyone’s time and money.

Get a grip.

@Jamesblonde2

She's definitely not stressed about me using the toilet; the other staff all use the lavatory during their shift.

And I do use the toilet at home before I arrive at the shop - but I'm usually in need of going again by the time I get there. Caffeine is a diuretic that increases the amount of urine output.

writing this up as if you’re going to complain about her to HR. Which will be a waste of everyone’s time and money.

I've said a couple of times that I'm not going to make any kind of complaint because it's too minor an issue. Making a complaint would be completely ridiculous and outrageously unfair - she doesn't deserve that for a slip-up!

Step away from the thread OP. You’re becoming obsessed by it.

@Jamesblonde2

There's nothing wrong with responding to people's comments.

And I find the discussion quite enjoyable, so no, I won't step away from it.

Which Charity do you work for. Poorly managed at higher levels. Feel sorry for your own manager though.

Getting a toilet fixed for staff and volunteers to use is surely a priority.

As for your till not working..It's probably on its way out.nCharity stores tend to be located in older poorly maintained properties which are cheaper to rent

@SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess

It's an Oxfam bookshop. I saw something a while back about the CEO being sacked due to accusations of bullying. From what I understand, Oxfam currently has an acting CEO, but that's meant to be a temporary thing while they recruit for a permanent one.

The till is a relatively new one and the only reason it temporarily stopped working is because one of the plugs got dislodged - and they weren't immediately able to access it to to plug it back in.

So cut down the rambling. She is stretched, time poor and it sounds like the only one doing the thinking. She doesn't need a monologue from you. Just, "hey, can't see the button to flush the loo - can you show me where it's disappeared to"

I'd be snappy too to be honest as she is not getting any opportunity to disconnect from work if she's having to come in on her one day off to mop water that someone else could mop.

@k1233

That's more or less what I tried to say, but she interrupted me before I'd got more than a few words out.

I don't know why people are jumping to the conclusion that I went into a lengthy monologue. Perhaps they're assuming that because my posts here can be quite long-winded, but that's the way I write. It doesn't translate to how I speak.

She cut across me before I'd had a chance to say barely anything.

Doesn't suprise me at all. Oxfam has gained a poor reputation over the past few years, for paying high salaries with perks to Senior Managers.

Their expenditure and running costs have also been questioned. The bubble has now burst

I live in a very Woke suburb of a large Northern City and our local Oxfam is quite a bright newly designed store.

Besides the books which are really expensive they also sell a range of new very overpriced, poor quality junk and tat.

Which wealthy middle class students and people with more money than sense seem to find irresistible.

I would ditch Oxfam and try and find a local Charity to support. Which genuinely helped local people in need.

Can I suggest you go back to your OP, and this bit particular:
“I had literally just stepped out of the toilet when the manager came into the back. I thought I should explain to her the reason why I hadn't flushed. I started to explain, but no sooner had I got a few words out about using the toilet than the manager cut across me and snapped, "You can do what you like, I just want to wash my hands!"
I was startled at what seemed to me a needlessly aggressive reaction to an innocent statement. I repeated again that I had already used the toilet and due to the work having been started on it, could not figure out how to flush. She said, still in a snappy tone, "You press the button." I explained that the button wasn't visible and would she be able to show me what to do.‘’

So after she initially snapped at you, you should have taken the hint that she was frazzled and wanted to get on with washing her hands yet you persisted in seeking her assistance when that was your social cue to realise ‘ she’s busy and wants to get on with washing her hands, I won’t bother her further and will work out how to flush the loo myself’

Can you see it from your managers perspective?

Get a jug of water, tip it down the loo. Voila, toilet flushed without using the button.

Stop!

@Redragtoabull

If other people are still making posts in this thread, I am entitled to continue to respond to them.

If you don't wish to see them, you are free to ignore this thread.