To be bothered about this interaction with manager?

[SorcererGaheris]

I volunteer in a charity shop (it's a bookshop) and our manager is a very nice person who I get along with.

I have noticed that when she is feeling very stressed, she can sometimes speak in quite a snappish way. (Understandable, I know.) I should perhaps add that she is under a lot of pressure generally from higher management, who moan at her any time the shop is closed for a day (due to not enough volunteers being able to come in or volunteers refusing to come in on that day because there is so much uncollected stock in the basement - the waste collection company is supposed to come every week, but often goes four or five weeks without showing up.)

For about three weeks, the shop's toilet has had a leak, which has also entailed the manager having to come in early on a Sunday morning (her one full day off) and mop up the accumulated water, and put down cardboard and newspaper to try to soak up some of the water during the day.

Last week, someone finally came in to begin work on fixing the leak - we had needed to wait until someone higher in the charity gave the go-ahead for this to happen, which was why it didn't get sorted out sooner.

Throughout this whole period, we have all continued to use the toilet, as it still worked perfectly well. When I arrived for one of my shifts last week, the first thing I did was use the toilet (having had a coffee before making my way into the shop, I need to go as soon as I get in.) I noticed that work had begun on fixing the toilet, and could not see any sign of the panel on which is affixed the buttons to flush the toilet. All I could see was some pipes and metal, etc.

Not wanting to start rooting around in case I disturbed or messed up something, I used the toilet, but didn't flush, as I couldn't see the mechanism by which to do this.

I had literally just stepped out of the toilet when the manager came into the back. I thought I should explain to her the reason why I hadn't flushed. I started to explain, but no sooner had I got a few words out about using the toilet than the manager cut across me and snapped, "You can do what you like, I just want to wash my hands!"

I was startled at what seemed to me a needlessly aggressive reaction to an innocent statement. I repeated again that I had already used the toilet and due to the work having been started on it, could not figure out how to flush. She said, still in a snappy tone, "You press the button." I explained that the button wasn't visible and would she be able to show me what to do.

She went into the toilet and pulled out the panel from amongst the pipes (the panel had been put in there facing in the opposite direction, so I didn't realise that it had the buttons on the other side.)

I didn't know, at that moment, that shortly before I had arrived, the till had stopped working properly (so they could only take cash transactions) so that must have been another stress factor for her.

I do understand the effects of stress and how it impacts our behaviour. Hell, I'm not immune to it myself. So a part of me is understanding - but at the same time, it wasn't pleasant to be spoken to in such a sharp, snappy way over innocent statements. I would think that part of being a manager is to not take out your stress on your volunteers.

So, on one hand, I understand why she spoke like that, but I still feel a bit bothered by it, because it's not a nice way to be spoken to.

OP, if that’s what counts as aggression to you, I’m really glad that everybody is your life has been so lovely and gentle and polite.

If I was stressed about a broken till,
on top of everything else, and someone was mithering me about having left their waste unflushed, I’d have said more than ‘do what you like’.

Why would you presume she knew where it was when she's not the plumber?

Well, it turned out that she did know where it was, because she located it for me. And I thought - not unreasonably, I think - that whoever had come in to fix the leak might have told her (as the manager) where they had placed things.

your manager is probably a bit fed up of babying you

Not really. Unless you count this incident (which I don't) the manager has never had to baby me. I've been working there a long time, so I can capably do the tasks that I've been assigned to. I've been there long enough that I just show up and get straight to work. The manager rarely has to personally assign me any jobs, I just do work that I know needs doing and that I am trained/experienced in doing. Far from babying me, the manager is able to just leave me to get on with things.

Moving a few things around to look for the flush was never going to break it and if you thought it was then maybe you shouldn't of used it in the first place.

Well, I couldn't know that. There are times when I've accidentally broken things at home. I was wary of something similar happening here. And I didn't notice that the flush mechanism wasn't visible until I'd used the toilet - if I'd noticed that beforehand, I might have gone out of the shop and tried to find somewhere else. I'm always pretty desperate to use the toilet as soon as I arrive for my shift because I have coffee in the morning (to boost my energy/wake myself up) and it takes me so long to get to the shop on the bus that I'm pretty desperate.

72% of people think you are being unreasonable - are you going to take that on board and maybe adjust your dialled up reaction so that you accept someone’s mistake made under stress, accept it and move on?

Well, it turned out that she did know where it was, because she located it for me. And I thought - not unreasonably, I think - that whoever had come in to fix the leak might have told her (as the manager) where they had placed things.

Yes because she looked for it, using her common sense. unlike you.

Je suis manager.

@FriendsMcdonals

She didn't look for it - she went straight to it because she knew where it had been olaced.

ou're expecting me to have the same capabilities and level of common sense as the average person. In this circumstance, I didn't.

@Arlanymor

I don't think I'm unreasonable to be bothered about it in itself. However, I do think other people have a point if they're saying I'm being unreasonable in the extent that it upset me.

So I don't think I'm being unreasonable in saying that she was unfair in speaking to me in that way. Where I'm probably being unreasonable is the level to which I'm letting it get to me.

I think the vast majority are saying that you are overreacting and that is unreasonable.

I can see why she was a bit annoyed at you but no, she shouldn't snap at volunteers (or employees, or customers).

However, it doesn't sound like a big deal and I can't see why it's weighed on your mind so much. You're a volunteer. If you enjoy working at the shop overall, then continue to do so. You can try telling her you really don't appreciate being snapped at even if she is having a bad day. But unless it's constant I couldn't be bothered. If her attitude makes your experience overall unpleasant, leave and find another volunteering gig. Tell them why when you do.

She’s justifiably stressed which explains her irritability but that could lead to a lack of volunteers if they get snapped at regularly.

What a drama over nothing - with kindness, I genuinely think youve made way more of this than needed.

Take a deep breath and move on from it.

I think you have hit to nail on the head here, OP. You are always entitled to your feelings and it does hurt to be spoken to sharply or unkindly. But in my experience, ND people are more inclined to get hyper focused on issues of fairness if they feel they have been treated badly. where someone NT might see it in a different perspective and be more likely to ignore it if it is a one off occurrence. Life is not simple and NT people behave unreasonably at times, which can be hard to get your head around when you are ND.

You seem to have a good general attitude to her and be understanding of her stress which is great. I hope you can put this in the past and continue enjoying your job.

what a presumption
OP, life is too short to deal with these kind of old bitter women in management.

I read arrived for my shift as arrived for a shit ;)

Dear OP,
You're getting a bit of a tough time about the whole flush thing.
I do think you've a right to be annoyed, but I don't think you can really do much about it. If your manager is a snappy person when stressed, then that is who she is.
If it is too much, then perhaps volunteer somewhere else.
You could try to talk to her about it and see if she can/will work on her response, but it might be that she's already doing the best she can and simply doesn't want to hear it. In which case you'll have to think about whether you stay or go.
She may also need to think about whether to stay or go, but when you're drawing a (presumably needed) salary, it isn't as easy to disengage or walk away as it is when you are donating your time as a gift to a good cause.

Most managers of charity shops are usually paid, and quite well at that. Why do people think the manager is also a volunteer?

Why do people think managers of charity shops are well paid?! Nothing could be further from the truth - google pay rates online! Nowhere near being the manager of other retail businesses.

these kind of old bitter women in management

Where does the OP refer to the manager's age and why is she 'bitter'? The manager was having a bad day and was a bit snappy, that's all. The OP has said herself that she is ND. There is quite a bit of overthinking going on here!

Yes, someone had to come along with the ageist sexist stuff - and if they have not read the thread properly as well its like ignorance bingo.

Charities running on a shoe string often have poor facilities and equipment. Reliance on volunteers who can choose not to turn up and staff who tend have more responsibilities than would be conversent with the salary, can lead to a less than optimum environment. For that reason, volunteering in a place like yours requires you to be fairly robust, tolerant and easy going, with the ability to overlook the failings of people and equipment and enjoy it regardless. If that's not you (and you're not alone!) you might find it more rewarding in a larger more structured environment.

Quite a bit of ablism in the thread

It sounds like she's juggling a lot of rubbish responsibilities so her volunteer team can get on with doing the nice bits. Sometimes trying to keep it all together and plates spinning can lead to people getting overwhelmed and snapping. There might have been something difficult going on in her home life or she had been shouted at by her manager or she had to make a call she was dreading. Snapping at you wasn't the right move but her job sounds awful and spending 14 days straight without a proper day off isn't fun. I think you're underestimating her stress levels.

I couldn't work out how to flush the toilet at that particular time because the flush mechanism had been moved so it was hidden from view. This was only about half an hour after the shop had opened for the day, so I was probably the first member of staff to use it that day. If another member of staff had got there first, they probably wouldn't have been able to flush it either

So, no staff member could have flushed the toilet, but the manager is expected to work it out. My understanding is the manager is a manager of a bookshop or similar, not a plumber or handyman. I very much doubt they are any more ‘qualified’ to fish around finding toilet buttons than yourself or any other staff member yet it seems you think they are, by virtue of having ‘manager’ as a title? I really don’t blame her for being short.

I can’t believe you bothered typing that out