To be bothered about this interaction with manager?

[SorcererGaheris]

I volunteer in a charity shop (it's a bookshop) and our manager is a very nice person who I get along with.

I have noticed that when she is feeling very stressed, she can sometimes speak in quite a snappish way. (Understandable, I know.) I should perhaps add that she is under a lot of pressure generally from higher management, who moan at her any time the shop is closed for a day (due to not enough volunteers being able to come in or volunteers refusing to come in on that day because there is so much uncollected stock in the basement - the waste collection company is supposed to come every week, but often goes four or five weeks without showing up.)

For about three weeks, the shop's toilet has had a leak, which has also entailed the manager having to come in early on a Sunday morning (her one full day off) and mop up the accumulated water, and put down cardboard and newspaper to try to soak up some of the water during the day.

Last week, someone finally came in to begin work on fixing the leak - we had needed to wait until someone higher in the charity gave the go-ahead for this to happen, which was why it didn't get sorted out sooner.

Throughout this whole period, we have all continued to use the toilet, as it still worked perfectly well. When I arrived for one of my shifts last week, the first thing I did was use the toilet (having had a coffee before making my way into the shop, I need to go as soon as I get in.) I noticed that work had begun on fixing the toilet, and could not see any sign of the panel on which is affixed the buttons to flush the toilet. All I could see was some pipes and metal, etc.

Not wanting to start rooting around in case I disturbed or messed up something, I used the toilet, but didn't flush, as I couldn't see the mechanism by which to do this.

I had literally just stepped out of the toilet when the manager came into the back. I thought I should explain to her the reason why I hadn't flushed. I started to explain, but no sooner had I got a few words out about using the toilet than the manager cut across me and snapped, "You can do what you like, I just want to wash my hands!"

I was startled at what seemed to me a needlessly aggressive reaction to an innocent statement. I repeated again that I had already used the toilet and due to the work having been started on it, could not figure out how to flush. She said, still in a snappy tone, "You press the button." I explained that the button wasn't visible and would she be able to show me what to do.

She went into the toilet and pulled out the panel from amongst the pipes (the panel had been put in there facing in the opposite direction, so I didn't realise that it had the buttons on the other side.)

I didn't know, at that moment, that shortly before I had arrived, the till had stopped working properly (so they could only take cash transactions) so that must have been another stress factor for her.

I do understand the effects of stress and how it impacts our behaviour. Hell, I'm not immune to it myself. So a part of me is understanding - but at the same time, it wasn't pleasant to be spoken to in such a sharp, snappy way over innocent statements. I would think that part of being a manager is to not take out your stress on your volunteers.

So, on one hand, I understand why she spoke like that, but I still feel a bit bothered by it, because it's not a nice way to be spoken to.

Fucking hell, how far from a toilet can a flushing mechanism be? Surely not much? Would it not be possible to look and work this out for yourself? It’s horrible to leave a dirty toilet. The poor manager. I feel very stressed on her behalf. I have a teen who I can imagine writing this. Living alongside someone who persistently cites a lack of common sense for just not being accountable and not stepping up to try to have a go at working things out is very hard. Believe me, I know.

Yanbu. Do people not turn up people they are being constantly snapped at? I’ve had this. After a while it gets too you. You make excuses for the person because yes they may be a good person, but it doesn’t change the fact that they shouldn’t treat you like crap.

it’s not you putting her under this stress so she shouldn’t take it out on you.
it would only have taken her 10 seconds too show you the flush.
i wouldn’t put up with it.
there are other places to volunteer that would snap you up.

Yes but how do you know what the op has going on at home?
why is it ok for the manager to take it out on the op?

@SomeoneCalled

As it happens, they were correct - I am autistic.

@Arlanymor

You are completely correct in that - charity shop managers are not well paid at all; usually not much more than minimum wage.

@RosieSpring

The manager is paid, but she is certainly not paid well.

A lot of charity shop managers are paid not much above minimum wage. For all the responsibilities, I would say that our manager is underpaid.

OP. I think you’re completely justified in feeling the way you feel. And you’ve had some classic AIBU arse responses above and you’ve answered them with patience and grace. She sounds irritable and irritated and you are quite right, it’s not your fault.

@HoppingPavlova

Well, from my perspective, the manager is the one in charge of the shop. And it wasn't an issue of working out how to flush the toilet in itself - it was locating where the flushing mechanism had been placed. It didn't take any knowledge of plumbing. The flushing mechanism had just been put in a non-visible place and I couldn't find it, so I asked the manager if she could show me where it was.

As it turned out, the manager did know where the flushing mechanism had been placed, because she located it instantly.

If volunteers need assistance, then the only person they can turn to in the shop is the management. That's all I was doing.

My interpretation (based on the style of this thread) is that you gave her quite a lengthy explanation of not being able to flush the toilet and why you had used it when she just wanted to quickly wash her hands.

That's not your fault but I can see how it might make you snap a little when you are dealing with a nightmare with the til.

My advice would be let it go this time but if she speaks to you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable, just let her know.

"Julie I know you have an awful lot on your plate but I find it difficult when spoken to in that manner."

She's probably not aware she's doing it and won't want you getting upset.

Edited to say if she's usually nice and you like working there, give her a chance to apologise or recognise her tone. Just walking out serves no one's interests.

@ThePieceHall

I've explained why I was wary about poking around looking for the flushing mechanism myself. I know myself to be a pretty clumsy person and I have accidentally broken things at home by being too heavy-handed.

Knowing my general clumsiness, I think it was reasonable for me to be wary of poking and prodding about. This might sound like a case of being too cautious to some, but it's in the context of experience of breaking things by mistake. I didn't want to break something so soon after the leak had been fixed.

The manager knew where the flushing mechanism had been placed, so once she located it for me, the toilet got flushed - so I didn't exactly leave it dirty. That was the whole point of me explaining to the manager in the first place - I wanted to let her know that I'd used the toilet but hadn't flushed it due to not being able to locate the flush button, and I was simply asking her if she would show me where it is.

From my perspective, it was a simple request for help.

@ChapmanFarm

It really wasn't that lengthy of an explanation. My posts here are quite lengthy because that tends to be how I write and also, from what I've seen of this forum, it seems like some people accuse OPs of "drip feeding" if they don't include every little bit of information in their opening post.

So I usually try to make sure that my opening post is as full of information and context as possible.

You said it wasn't lengthy and then agreed your posts are in your first sentence.

Drip feeding has nothing to do with length - it's to do with not disclosing significant information early on so that the context of an original post is changed throughout the thread.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

Because they put you in a completely different position and mindset to her, in outlook, motivations, pressure, relationships, finances, housing situation, everything.

Thank you for explaining, that helps me understand why you think my reasons for being there are relevant.

I don't think you are being quite fair by describing me as "playing at work", though. Can it legitimately be called "playing at work" when I am doing the work as supposed to and getting stuff done? The fact that I enjoy it doesn't make it any less "work".

she really isn't in the situation to appreciate scene setting before exposition

I really don't think that was her problem. I don't think that she was bothered about me trying to give an explanation - I'm certain she snapped because of the general stress of circumstances, rather than anything to do with me trying to give a brief explanation.

@Arlanymor

I said that my explanation to the manager wasn't lengthy, which it wasn't.

My posts in this thread are lengthy, however, due to wanting to get in all the information that I believe is significant.

@IDasIX

I was trying to explain the reason why I had been unable to flush, which I feel was the appropriate thing to do. I didn't want to leave the urine and paper in the toilet, and correctly guessed that the manager would know where the flushing mechanism had been placed - so was trying to ask her to show me where it was so that it could be flushed away.

Which is, in the end, what happened. The manager knew where the flushing button had been placed, she found it, and urine got flushed away. I think it was better to say something to the manager than to leave the toilet unflushed for the next person who used it.

I can see it from both sides she absolutely shouldn't speak to you like that and if i was volunteering somewhere id be telling her where to go. On the other hand I get snappy when stressed I don't mean it, i just get so overwhelmed and it comes out. If I was you I would wait until shes in a calmer mood and tell her you don't appreciate being spoken to like that if she is as nice as you say she will apologise and hopefully be more mindful in the future

Thing is, you know how much pressure she’s under but you don’t seem prepared to cut her some slack. I would have raised my eyebrows to myself and got on with my job. Might have made her a cup of tea since she was clearly fed up.

I manage volunteers. Sometimes people are irritating or things are stressful. But under no circumstances should you snap or if you do you fully apologise asap! Volunteers should feel appreciated and cared for. I would look for a new volunteering opportunity honestly - there will be other places. She sounds extremely stressed which sounds understandable in the circumstances. But you aren’t duty bound to just keep going. You can call it a day and give your time somewhere else.

@youalright

Thanks for your advice. I'm not actually going to raise the subject with her for the reason that I do realise that people sometimes screw up and speak shortly to people who don't deserve it when they're going through a stressful time.

Hell, I'm sure there are times when I've done it myself - though I like to think I try my best not to.

The thing is, although I wouldn't say it's a common occurrence, I've witnessed her speaking sharply before at times when she's in a situation that is stressful, though it's the first time she's spoken in that way to me. It's not a regular thing, but it's also not necessarily a "one-off", either.

If anything, though, I think I now feel more annoyed with the charity's higher management, because they are the ones who are (partially) creating this situation, by placing pressure on their shop managers and not always providing adequate resources to assist them in the job.

@ChocolateCinderToffee

For me, I feel I'm cutting her slack in not raising the issue with her and just going on as normal. I might be venting on here, but I find that quite cathartic. I don't intend to say anything to the manager herself or criticise how she spoke.

You seem to be struggling to see things from your manager's point of view and are doubling down on this thread over and over again with your own point of view. Asking your manager to show you how to flush the toilet is embarrassing. It's what a child does with a mother, not an employee/volunteer to a manager. Can you access some kind of job coaching or basic employment skills training because it is clear you just don't know how to comport yourself in the work place. And when someone is cross with you try to first work out why they might be cross with you before going on and on about how they shouldn't be cross with you. You will resolve things much quicker that way.

@Owly11

I wasn't asking her to show me how to flush the toilet. I was asking her to show me where the flushing mechanism had been located in order for me to do so.

I was correct in assuming that she knew where it had been placed, because she located it straight away.

She wasn't cross with me. She snapped because that's how she sometimes reacts when under stress - not because of something I'd done wrong.

@Owly11

It's what a child does with a mother, not an employee/volunteer to a manager.

In charity shops, that is not necessarily always the case. Charity shops sometimes take on vulnerable adults as volunteers. Some charity shops have staff who are special needs. (Actually, that can be the case in non-charity retail as well.)

So given that the capability levels of volunteers can vary, asking for help with something that might seem simple can indeed be what a volunteer asks of a manager.

Oh for goodness sake, what a lot of drama over nothing. Is this really the first time someone has snapped at you? Either get over it or leave the job, it's really not worth all this angst over something so trivial.

@SouthernNights59

Of course it's not the first time. I'm just saying that it was an unfair situation.

And talking about it is cathartic, so it helps me.