To be bothered about this interaction with manager?

[SorcererGaheris]

I volunteer in a charity shop (it's a bookshop) and our manager is a very nice person who I get along with.

I have noticed that when she is feeling very stressed, she can sometimes speak in quite a snappish way. (Understandable, I know.) I should perhaps add that she is under a lot of pressure generally from higher management, who moan at her any time the shop is closed for a day (due to not enough volunteers being able to come in or volunteers refusing to come in on that day because there is so much uncollected stock in the basement - the waste collection company is supposed to come every week, but often goes four or five weeks without showing up.)

For about three weeks, the shop's toilet has had a leak, which has also entailed the manager having to come in early on a Sunday morning (her one full day off) and mop up the accumulated water, and put down cardboard and newspaper to try to soak up some of the water during the day.

Last week, someone finally came in to begin work on fixing the leak - we had needed to wait until someone higher in the charity gave the go-ahead for this to happen, which was why it didn't get sorted out sooner.

Throughout this whole period, we have all continued to use the toilet, as it still worked perfectly well. When I arrived for one of my shifts last week, the first thing I did was use the toilet (having had a coffee before making my way into the shop, I need to go as soon as I get in.) I noticed that work had begun on fixing the toilet, and could not see any sign of the panel on which is affixed the buttons to flush the toilet. All I could see was some pipes and metal, etc.

Not wanting to start rooting around in case I disturbed or messed up something, I used the toilet, but didn't flush, as I couldn't see the mechanism by which to do this.

I had literally just stepped out of the toilet when the manager came into the back. I thought I should explain to her the reason why I hadn't flushed. I started to explain, but no sooner had I got a few words out about using the toilet than the manager cut across me and snapped, "You can do what you like, I just want to wash my hands!"

I was startled at what seemed to me a needlessly aggressive reaction to an innocent statement. I repeated again that I had already used the toilet and due to the work having been started on it, could not figure out how to flush. She said, still in a snappy tone, "You press the button." I explained that the button wasn't visible and would she be able to show me what to do.

She went into the toilet and pulled out the panel from amongst the pipes (the panel had been put in there facing in the opposite direction, so I didn't realise that it had the buttons on the other side.)

I didn't know, at that moment, that shortly before I had arrived, the till had stopped working properly (so they could only take cash transactions) so that must have been another stress factor for her.

I do understand the effects of stress and how it impacts our behaviour. Hell, I'm not immune to it myself. So a part of me is understanding - but at the same time, it wasn't pleasant to be spoken to in such a sharp, snappy way over innocent statements. I would think that part of being a manager is to not take out your stress on your volunteers.

So, on one hand, I understand why she spoke like that, but I still feel a bit bothered by it, because it's not a nice way to be spoken to.

@Owly11

I don't think she was annoyed with me. Like I said, I think the reason she snapped was because that's how she (sometimes) acts when she feels stressed.

It was nothing to do with me, it was the general circumstances.

There's nothing wrong with our relationship. We interacted normally and in a friendly way after that incident.

Life is also too short to engage with ageist misogynists. However I'll make an exception to point out that if it weren't for older women working in far worse conditions, for salaries far lower than they could command in equivalent roles in the private sector, there would be no third sector at all. You have no idea whether this woman is 'bitter'. All we know about her is that she is performing a role that makes a positive difference to people's lives, in sub optimum conditions, and that she doesn't cope well with stress.

Just let it go. It’s really not worth fussing over.

I used to be the only paid person managing volunteers in an incredibly stressful environment - I was actually having a form of breakdown due to the stress of it all, and had to sometimes go and lock myself in a toilet just to have a cry and try to depressurise. Even then volunteers would follow me in and start asking me questions. I probably snapped on occasion. The more empathetic volunteers recognised the stress I was under and would give me a hug and a cup of tea.

Obviously you would have preferred not to be snapped at, but I really think you're making quite a big deal out of nothing here. Being out in the world and interacting with other people means sometimes you won't always get exactly the treatment you would like from them, because they have their own things going on which are not about you. Or possibly, you are actually being a bit annoying and needy. Perhaps instead of feeling sorry for yourself because you were spoken to rudely, you could ask her how you can support her better?

"It was nothing to do with me, it was the general circumstances."

You asking where the flush was probably didn't help matters though when you could have looked yourself. I doubt you'd have broken anything just by taking a look yourself but you decided to ask her even knowing she was stressed out.

@5128gap

I don't believe that she is 'bitter' generally, but she would be entitled to be bitter towards higher management of the charity. Higher management expects and asks for too much, IMO.

Higher management also tends to come up with ideas and implements for shops which are not necessarily workable - it's clear that most of the people coming up with these ideas and decisions have never worked in the shops themselves, as they'd realise how unfeasible some of their suggestions and requirements are.

@Biscuit12

To be fair, she's under a certain amount of stress pretty much most of the time nowadays, with circumstances that are beyond any of our control...I don't think it's necessarily possible to accurately assess/predict whether the level of stress someone is under might mean that even basic requests are interpreted as additional pressures. I was also unaware at the point of speaking to her that the till had temporarily stopped working.

The thing for me is that it was such a simple request for information that didn't require any effort on her part, as she didn't even have to look - she knew where the flushing mechanism was located. I'd maybe feel differently if I'd asked something that was difficult and complicated.

Yes, I understand. I can see you have a lot of empathy with her, which is lovely of you. However, your volunteering experience needs to be rewarding for you. So I think you need to think about whether you can tolerate the way your manager acts under stress (because the stress probably isn't going anywhere) or whether it's going to cause you discomfort and worry. If the latter, then you may find other roles would be a better fit. As I said before, there are environments that our better structured, more supportive from the top, that could give an experience that's better for you. What would be really sad is if someone like you stopped volunteering at all because of this. Because as a volunteer, you are doing something really important for your community and without volunteers in all the varied roles they take, we would all be worse off.

@SorcererGaheris I'm not autistic OP but this would upset me too. There's no need to speak to anyone like that and I really hate the "I'm stressed" cop out that people are so fond of using.

Can we please not equate autism to 'special needs' - thanks

Really? I'm autistic yet I am absolutely not what anybody would describe as 'special needs'

FFS. Educate yourself.

Not sure why my single word answer to your question was deleted. How can I not be entitled to say no to any request. I don't agree with you and that is my right. I happen to believe that people with a diagnosis of autism are entitled to accommodations and support and that is all that is meant by special needs. If you think having special needs is something to be ashamed of then maybe you should educate yourself.

So because you have a hidden disability you are not entitled to support or accommodations? Do you find something shameful about people with special needs and so don't want to be associated with them? Perhaps you should educate yourself about what special needs means instead of calling for anyone who disagrees with you to 'educate themselves' (aka educate yourself to the 'correct opinion' according to you).

@Owly11 'special needs' is an incredibly ignorant phrase to use and is often used to insult people with neurodiversity/learning difficulties, etc. The phrase you're looking for is reasonable adjustments

You wouldn’t last five minutes in my workplace.

so she never gets a day off.
Which is what i said

if we’re splitting hairs about semantics.. Neurodivergent is the correct terminology for anyone who diverges from the ‘norm’ or the neurotypical. Neurodiverse is the whole world ie the combination of neurodivergent and neurotypical. We are all neurodiverse. Some of us are neurodivergent.

@Brefugee

She does normally get a day off, though. Hhaving to pop in briefly on Sunday morning was just a temporary situation while we had the leak.
So saying that she "never" gets a day off is not accurate, as it sounds (the way I read it) like you're saying this is a permanent thing.

i can see why she may have been short with you.
FGS let it drop. I'd have snapped at you in those circs. The fact that you are still harping on about "well it was only cleaning a toilet for an hour or so" says a lot.

Your poor manager. Dealing with this level of obtuseness day in day out must be a nightmare. You sound like my autistic teen. Absolutely no self-awareness either. No shades of grey, just black or white. And total self-absorption with no empathy or regard for anyone else.

'Special needs' is a term often used as an insult. End of story. It's not semantics

I’m not disagreeing with you. But if you’re being the disability language police, then you need to ensure that you are meeting your own high standards. Neurodiverse and neurodivergent are not interchangeable. They mean two totally different things. And again, it’s insulting to the neurodivergent community to be referred to as neurodiverse. Neurodiverse = everyone ie the neurodivergent and the neurotypical.

Not the way I've ever seen it including in my own workplace supporting people with autism who hold a Neurodiverse Staff Group. But carry on... semantics...not offensive like the PP

Well, you and they are wrong. I imagine that the neurotypical and the neurodivergent can join the Neorodiverse Group? Why not look up the definitions in the dictionary?