To be bothered about this interaction with manager?

[SorcererGaheris]

I volunteer in a charity shop (it's a bookshop) and our manager is a very nice person who I get along with.

I have noticed that when she is feeling very stressed, she can sometimes speak in quite a snappish way. (Understandable, I know.) I should perhaps add that she is under a lot of pressure generally from higher management, who moan at her any time the shop is closed for a day (due to not enough volunteers being able to come in or volunteers refusing to come in on that day because there is so much uncollected stock in the basement - the waste collection company is supposed to come every week, but often goes four or five weeks without showing up.)

For about three weeks, the shop's toilet has had a leak, which has also entailed the manager having to come in early on a Sunday morning (her one full day off) and mop up the accumulated water, and put down cardboard and newspaper to try to soak up some of the water during the day.

Last week, someone finally came in to begin work on fixing the leak - we had needed to wait until someone higher in the charity gave the go-ahead for this to happen, which was why it didn't get sorted out sooner.

Throughout this whole period, we have all continued to use the toilet, as it still worked perfectly well. When I arrived for one of my shifts last week, the first thing I did was use the toilet (having had a coffee before making my way into the shop, I need to go as soon as I get in.) I noticed that work had begun on fixing the toilet, and could not see any sign of the panel on which is affixed the buttons to flush the toilet. All I could see was some pipes and metal, etc.

Not wanting to start rooting around in case I disturbed or messed up something, I used the toilet, but didn't flush, as I couldn't see the mechanism by which to do this.

I had literally just stepped out of the toilet when the manager came into the back. I thought I should explain to her the reason why I hadn't flushed. I started to explain, but no sooner had I got a few words out about using the toilet than the manager cut across me and snapped, "You can do what you like, I just want to wash my hands!"

I was startled at what seemed to me a needlessly aggressive reaction to an innocent statement. I repeated again that I had already used the toilet and due to the work having been started on it, could not figure out how to flush. She said, still in a snappy tone, "You press the button." I explained that the button wasn't visible and would she be able to show me what to do.

She went into the toilet and pulled out the panel from amongst the pipes (the panel had been put in there facing in the opposite direction, so I didn't realise that it had the buttons on the other side.)

I didn't know, at that moment, that shortly before I had arrived, the till had stopped working properly (so they could only take cash transactions) so that must have been another stress factor for her.

I do understand the effects of stress and how it impacts our behaviour. Hell, I'm not immune to it myself. So a part of me is understanding - but at the same time, it wasn't pleasant to be spoken to in such a sharp, snappy way over innocent statements. I would think that part of being a manager is to not take out your stress on your volunteers.

So, on one hand, I understand why she spoke like that, but I still feel a bit bothered by it, because it's not a nice way to be spoken to.

I don’t think you do understand the stress that she is under if you don’t accept that after a million things go wrong she was a little sharp with you. Not ideal but totally human. Also if all the other staff could work out how to flush the toilet why couldn’t you? Maybe a bit of compassion for someone on minimum wage giving up her minimal spare time to fix stuff in the shop would be good. Why does no one give other people a bit of grace these days? My boss swore at my because his son was in hospital and I had to phone him up and say: “That moment on the Zoom - was it about me or not? Because I don’t think it was.” He said no and apologised - I met him in the middle and it was much more offensive than the minor tone your boss took with you.

@HArderthan1thought

Well, I still think it's unjust to snap at people who are simply asking for help.

As it stood, I was unable to locate the flushing mechanism because it had been put in a place where it wasn't easily visible.

I was wary about poking around too much to look for it because I was concerned that if I started rooting around in the piping, I might break or dislodge something. I'm a very unpractical person and can be quite clumsy at times - I've accidentally broken things before (not at the shop, but at home.) Considering the leak had only just been repaired, I was nervous that I'd mess things up if I went poking about looking for the flush button.

She's human, not a perfect, saintly being, one who is trying to pay her bills in what sounds like an absolutely miserable job, whereas you're there for entertainment purposes/because it matches how you like to view yourself and even say that you don't care a bit about the aims of the charity, you just like having fun in somebody's workplace.

If this were a book, you'd be bored within the first few paragraphs to have somebody who never puts a foot wrong, never gets tired, never gets frustrated or snappy - because they wouldn't be a rounded character with any depth or motivations. Why get so upset about a real life human being human?

@Arlanymor

I do have compassion for what she's going through. I simply think that it was unfair of her to speak to me in that tone.

I couldn't work out how to flush the toilet at that particular time because the flush mechanism had been moved so it was hidden from view. This was only about half an hour after the shop had opened for the day, so I was probably the first member of staff to use it that day. If another member of staff had got there first, they probably wouldn't have been able to flush it either.

I'm not saying that the manager is a horrible person, or anything like that. She's a very nice person. On this occasion, though, she was unfairly sharp with me, and it just bothers me, that's all. It's not nice to be on the receiving end of it.

I'm probably not a very resilient person, but...not everyone is resilient.

I'd honestly just put it out of your mind and not waste any more energy fretting about it. I think you've spent probably hours now contemplating the meanings and rights and wrongs Vs 20 seconds of someone being a bit snappy without justification.

@NeverDropYourMooncup

even say that you don't care a bit about the aims of the charity, you just like having fun in somebody's workplace.

Yes, but the having fun part = DOING THE WORK. I'm not there to have a laugh, I'm one of her harder-working volunteers because I find the work itself to be fun.

I don't see why my reasons for being there matter, considering that I'm doing the work and doing it properly?

And this isn't unique to me - other volunteers at the shop have told me that they work there for the same reasons. Not because they care about the charity, but simply because they like books, and it's a bookshop.

Why get so upset about a real life human being human?

Because I was emotionally affected by it. It hurt my feelings. People get upset when their feelings are hurt.

She said one sentence a little rudely that's all. Forget about it. It's not worth all this space I your head.

Christ how do people get through life being this sensitive?

@Kirova

Well, there are still people replying to this thread, so I want to address their comments.

I look after volunteers at work, I would feel I’d failed if I spoke to anyone like this.

No, not everyone is resilient, but her words to you were minimally sharp in tone. Not really requiring resilience, just a basic understanding that she is having a rough time. That only required kindness on your part. Basic kindness. Basic understanding. You’ve written a whole litany of why she is having horrible time of things and then gave her zero credit for why she might be on edge and not behaving perfectly. Also all your CAPS parts of your responses are coming across as harsh which is ironic! You know that CAPS = shouting at people online. But I will give you grace and assume that despite the fact that you are on this forum that you don’t know that CAPS = shouting. See giving grace. Being nice. Being understanding.

I think it's a bit weird to snap at someone who was having difficulty with a toilet since one would already be a bit embarrassed about that, and also a bit weird for you she snapped.at you in the context of a toilet, which is somewhere you'd not be overheard.
I can see you are making all the allowances, but I just agree with you it's not really on. I'm not sure how you handle that one to be honest as it'd be difficult to complain about ( look at the responses on here) but then maybe she knows that .....
You shouldn't feel bad at not knowing how to flush when it wasn't clear. They should have got it fixed immediately.

@Arlanymor

Also all your CAPS parts of your responses are coming across as harsh which is ironic!

In that case, I will refrain from putting them in all caps. It was meant to be an emphasis, but italics are better for that. I apologise for the feeling it created and will try to make sure not to use them in future.

I think I am being understanding in recognising that she has been having a hard time. It's not like I plan to make a complaint about her, or even raise the subject with her. I'll just act like nothing happened.

But we can't help how we feel about things, and I don't think it's unfair that I feel hurt over being spoken to in that way. If something hurts my feelings, it hurts me feelings. I don't think I can do anything about that.

@Warmlight1

Oh, I would never consider making a complaint for a second. I genuinely like the manager. She's a nice person. It's too small of an incident to justify a complaint.

I can understand why she snapped at me, but understanding why doesn't equal condoning it. The unfairness of it just bugged me.

You sound like a child, your manager is stressed and you are bothering her because you cant work out how to flush a toilet??? Asking your manager to flush the toilet for you is beyond ridiculous and embarrassing.

Maybe she's fed up with you not using your common sense in general if you have to bother her with stuff like that... why didn't you use your common sense and look to see where the flush mechanism had been moved too, it wouldn't have been moved far?

Considering your manager seemed to find it pretty quick and isn't a plumber either.

Because they put you in a completely different position and mindset to her, in outlook, motivations, pressure, relationships, finances, housing situation, everything. She's there to work, you're there to play at work as a hobby.

It's a fundamental difference where the reasonable thing to do is to use all of your abilities in deciphering motivations, behaviour and subtext - and write it off as her having another crappy Monday morning after weeks of working 7 days a week, compared to you strolling in after a trip on the bus to start your lovely hobby,

I am not saying that you are necessarily in the wrong in this, though. What I am saying is that you are focusing upon how it's clashed with your internal narrative that it's all lovely and you're the bookish lady who just loves being around books - because there's somebody there that needs the job to live, has a terrible time with the realities of being an employee and got a little impatient and brusque with you when you didn't start by getting to the point, you began a preamble rather than appreciating that she really isn't in the situation to appreciate scene setting before exposition - like the difference between the start of Frankenstein and a dramatisation, not everybody wants to hear of Victor's studies, they want to get to the point; that he created Adam.

Yes you can. We can all do something about feelings - we can regulate them. I’m sure you’ve upset and pissed off people in the past and they have given you the benefit of the doubt and regulated their responses to your behaviour.

I'd also feel hurt but due to the circumstances I'd try and wholeheartedly forgive her this time because you're not yourself under that much stress. Bring it up if it happens again. Hard to know how you or I would react in her shoes, might be same or worse!

@FriendsMcdonals

I didn't ask her to flush the toilet for me - I asked her if she would show me where the flush mechanism was.

why didn't you use your common sense and look to see where the flush mechanism had been moved too, it wouldn't have been moved far?

"Common sense" isn't something I necessarily have a lot of. I've lost track of the amount of times that my mother has told me that I have no common sense.

I've explained why I didn't want to poke around looking for the flush mechanism. I was worried that if I poked around I would dislodge or break something and therefore mess things up. The manager would have got even more stressed if I broke the toilet just a day after the leak had been fixed.

It’s unacceptable to speak to people like that. It always will be. “Are you neurodiverse?” Fuck off. She’s stressed and not able to control her emotions or direct them at the right people. OP did nothing wrong. It might be a bit annoying but it is never ok to be rude.

@Arlanymor

That is a good point, but for me "regulating feelings" means doing our best not to let them dictate how we treat or speak with other people.

In my case, I think I regulated my feelings in the moment by not responding to the manager in an aggressive tone of my own. I spoke to her politely and respectfully. I've said nothing about her regarding the issue since and I don't intend to.

How I feel internally about it, though, is different (to me.)

Seems to be a lot of these threads where X is described as "a very nice person" or "a lovely lady" etc., followed by an account describing how awful they are.

@BeanQuisine

She is a very nice person generally. It's just that when she's feeling under pressure and stressed, it can sometimes make her speak abrasively to other people.

That doesn't make her an awful person.

Fair enough.

I didn't ask her to flush the toilet for me - I asked her if she would show me where the flush mechanism was.

This is basically the same thing. Why would you presume she knew where it was when she's not the plumber?

"Common sense" isn't something I necessarily have a lot of. I've lost track of the amount of times that my mother has told me that I have no common sense.

This is clear to see, your manager is probably a bit fed up of babying you.

I've explained why I didn't want to poke around looking for the flush mechanism. I was worried that if I poked around I would dislodge or break something and therefore mess things up. The manager would have got even more stressed if I broke the toilet just a day after the leak had been fixed.

Moving a few things around to look for the flush was never going to break it and if you thought it was then maybe you shouldn't of used it in the first place.