Boyfriend is in £9k of debt

[SG1301]

Hi everyone
This is my first Mumsnet post but I thought it might be helpful. I am 36F and my boyfriend 44M has revealed he is in debt. We met last January 2025. I knew from last April that he had money issues, when his card was declined, but at the time he said it was £3k. I told him it was an issue for me as my Dad left my Mum with lots of debt, so I said he needed to sort it out. We had a two week gap and then agreed to continue the relationship. He said he was stopping smoking as that is obvs expensive. Anyway it has always bugged me but I have tried to let him get on with sorting it, and have asked him about it every few months or so. We have been arguing about it more recently and last Sat he said it was about £6k but that he had a new job, which he got in Jan, which is paying him £85k (his previous job was £65k). I talked to some friends and felt worried about it so then yesterday he agreed to go through everything in more detail. He said that the debt was now actually £9100, £7k ish on an Aqua credit card and the rest on his overdraft and Monzo. I made a list of all his incomings and outgoings and tried to help him make a budget and encouraged him to cancel things like TV subscriptions, gym membership, etc. I think he needs to focus fully on clearing the debt as I know it makes him anxious. He is very sad and sorry but I have said I think we need a break because I am struggling to see a future. I am not money orientated but I manage mine carefully and I am cross that he has not tried to get the situation under control. He let me look through his bank accounts and I cannot see evidence of gambling or drugs - it just seems like he lives beyond his means and anything he earns goes on interest and overdraft so he is in negative equity every month. We do not share any finances and have no ties - he is very loving and kind and fun in other ways and I do love him and I know he loves me. I suggested a break but said I am happy to be his friend and help him (not give him money but help him deal with it). He has always been generous and I made sure we continued to split meals etc but I now obvs feel that we cannot go for dinner or do anything really as the debt is worse all the time. I don't really want to break up but I am scared of it getting worse or him lying to me, and I don't like the fact that he has not really been responsible. Any advice gratefully received.

Apologies if this has been mentioned but if he hasn't already he needs to move his credit card debt onto a 0% interest card and then keep moving it to another interest free when the first runs out until he's paid it all off. There are some decent 3 year ones out there so that needs to be his first move so at least he isn't accruing more interest which is possibly what has helped get him into the situation he's in.

Different view point... you are 36 you dont have time to waste on this clown....

Break up and tell him if he loves you so much come back when he is debt free and he has given up the drugs.

£85 k is roughly £5k take home pay per month. What is he spending the other £4400 per month on? In six months, he could have easily cleared the debt.

He’s not a good man. You say yourself there’s too many red flags. Ask yourself, is he worth it? You’re not enjoying this relationship, so end it. You sound scared about being alone, but that’s better than being in the wrong relationship , which this is.

Sorry but having some guy visit that you were having sex with as recently as a couple of years ago is a bit odd and I’m not surprised he’s not thrilled about it! Would you be if the roles were reversed?!

Even so, arguing is the beginning of the end so call it off now and cut your losses I say!

Constant arguing would be the deal breaker for me regardless of the background/reasons. I just couldn't live with that. It's really not a mature relationship if your default position is always arguing rather than sensibly discussing and resolving issues amicably. However "normal" it's portrayed in TV soaps etc., constant arguments really aren't normal. I'd say me and DH have only had a couple of "blazing rows" with raised voices/shouting in the 39 years we've been together. For all other differences of opinion, we've calmly talked them through and resolved them amicably - that's what "normal" looks like to most people. There seems to be a massive lack of respect between the OP and her partner and that's a definite deal breaker for me.