Boyfriend is in £9k of debt

[SG1301]

Hi everyone
This is my first Mumsnet post but I thought it might be helpful. I am 36F and my boyfriend 44M has revealed he is in debt. We met last January 2025. I knew from last April that he had money issues, when his card was declined, but at the time he said it was £3k. I told him it was an issue for me as my Dad left my Mum with lots of debt, so I said he needed to sort it out. We had a two week gap and then agreed to continue the relationship. He said he was stopping smoking as that is obvs expensive. Anyway it has always bugged me but I have tried to let him get on with sorting it, and have asked him about it every few months or so. We have been arguing about it more recently and last Sat he said it was about £6k but that he had a new job, which he got in Jan, which is paying him £85k (his previous job was £65k). I talked to some friends and felt worried about it so then yesterday he agreed to go through everything in more detail. He said that the debt was now actually £9100, £7k ish on an Aqua credit card and the rest on his overdraft and Monzo. I made a list of all his incomings and outgoings and tried to help him make a budget and encouraged him to cancel things like TV subscriptions, gym membership, etc. I think he needs to focus fully on clearing the debt as I know it makes him anxious. He is very sad and sorry but I have said I think we need a break because I am struggling to see a future. I am not money orientated but I manage mine carefully and I am cross that he has not tried to get the situation under control. He let me look through his bank accounts and I cannot see evidence of gambling or drugs - it just seems like he lives beyond his means and anything he earns goes on interest and overdraft so he is in negative equity every month. We do not share any finances and have no ties - he is very loving and kind and fun in other ways and I do love him and I know he loves me. I suggested a break but said I am happy to be his friend and help him (not give him money but help him deal with it). He has always been generous and I made sure we continued to split meals etc but I now obvs feel that we cannot go for dinner or do anything really as the debt is worse all the time. I don't really want to break up but I am scared of it getting worse or him lying to me, and I don't like the fact that he has not really been responsible. Any advice gratefully received.

I think he drinks more than you think he does. And every time he goes to buy more drink he buys other things to surround the drink he is buying.

Yes, you could move him into your place. And then you'd have someone with a really poor credit record registered at your address, and the possibility that at some point in the future you'll have the bailiffs knocking at your door.

Don't stay with him because you think there is no one else.
You're still young & could easily find someone else.
You know this man is not a good bet to have kids with, buy a house with etc which are all things you deserve & can have if you want them
Don't sell yourself short by getting deeper involved & then splitting a few years down the line when you could call it quits now & find someone more mature & responsible.

It's actually quite a relief to learn he doesn't live with you, @SG1301 - I hadn't realised that, and it could well explain why he's been very cagey so far

Should you be unwise enough to move him in I can almost guarantee more would come tumbling out, though with the constant refrain that it's being sorted out and could you just lend him £xxx until it is

@Allisnotlost1 And if you’re happy with that then great, but clearly not everyone is, so why is it that you what you care about is the only thing anyone cares about?

Not quite sure if I understand the question, but my issue is high earners spending money on silly things and then complaining about not having money. Middle earners absolutely have a right to push back on that and tell them to shut up.

It's either gambling or cocaine, OR he is the most useless person with money ever. None of these options make him decent boyfriend material. Are you sure he's telling the truth about these high-paying jobs?

Well everybody has a right to an opinion but nobody has a ‘right’ to tell people to shut up, or what to spend their money on. And the thread isn’t about high earners overspending and complaining, it’s about an OP with a partner in debt that he can’t explain.

A man in his forties who borrows from his (presumably elderly) parents not because of any major unanticipated life event but simply because he can't live within his means is not a good prospect for a LTR.

Notable that his first response always seems to be to borrow, rather than reduce his spending. I hope his parents don't get sucked in to any more lending.

I wonder if I live in another world at times cos £9k debt to me feels insane 😲🤯

I was stuck in my graduate overdraft for the best part of 10 years. That was "only" £2k but god that debt felt like a noose at times, was eternally grateful to pay it off and get rid of my overdraft.

Obviously the guy earns probably 6x what i do a year so in that sense maybe with that income £9k debt is just a drop in the ocean (kind of wish I earned that much I could feel that way 😳)

All that aside I think the biggest issue is he fact he's lied about it, repeatedly and seems to makeing zero attempt to tackle it. And the fact you can't trust him.

Perhaps I did post in haste and I’m not an expert at all.

Posts saying “just transfer to a 0% card” are getting a bit tedious though. Almost like “just stop the cheque”.

If you want marriage and kids then this is not the man for you. You want someone financially stable. Speaking from past experience.

Not sure I want those things but I do want to be able to feel that I’m with someone responsible I guess?

@Allisnotlost1 but nobody has a ‘right’ to tell people to shut up, or what to spend their money on.

I think you'll find that I do.

it does feel insane to me too!! I've never been in debt like that and I don't come from money

Well, if you think £9K is bad, I just asked AI what the average debt is in the UK per household, not including a mortgage and it came up with these scary figures:

Average non‑mortgage debt per UK household is about £18,392.
That figure bundles together the main categories of unsecured borrowing:

• Credit cards — ~£2,601 per household
• Personal loans and other consumer credit — ~£5,703
• Student loans — ~£10,088

These numbers reflect end‑2025 data from Bank of England and ONS analyses.

A different dataset (Moneyzine) gives a much higher figure — £65,529 of personal debt per household — because it counts all personal debt across the population and divides it by all households, using a broader definition.

The £18k figure is the more precise measure of consumer debt excluding mortgages, because it isolates credit cards, personal loans, and student loans rather than all personal liabilities.

Doesn’t the lying and the sheer lack of any kind of motivation to sort this mess out slightly outweigh his good points for you OP?

Have you actually discussed him moving in with you or have you assumed he’d want to do this? From what you say he hasn’t defaulted on his mortgage so he has some sense of proportion. I wouldn’t move in together after such a short time but I’d also advise anyone moving in with another person to retain their assets.

Realistically what future can you see for this relationship? You’re parenting him in terms of finances, taking in his worries and planning and then having to think about how you’d protect yourself in future. It just doesn’t have legs imo.

Yes we had discussed it for the future. No I dont think he has defaulted on his mortgage or anything. I don't know really, yes it does put me off I suppose but not sure if it's enough. Do you think I should talk to him again or leave him to have space and hopefully work it out?

Just leave him. If you don't do it now the debts and the reasons you don't know about will come back at you and you will be mired in them.

He may not have defaulted on his mortgage or been made bankrupt but currently many creditors will apply for a CCJ, then a Charging Order on his home, then an order for sale.

This is so much cheaper for the Creditor than applying for Bankruptcy and they still get their money from the sale of his home.

So just because he hasn’t defaulted on the mortgage, it doesn’t mean that his home is safe from being taken.

Do you really want to give him the opportunity to talk to you again about his finances? You were still talking to him a couple of days ago. I think you really need a good break, where you don’t talk to him at all and give yourself time to think about this objectively.

Is your DM still around? Are you able to talk to her about what it was like wheb she found out about the debt she had been left in and what it was like trying to get out of it?

More like a year due to tax, NIC and other deductions, but usually a better paid job also comes with more costs, i.e. maybe higher commuting costs, maybe more works clothing needed, maybe more drinks/meals "on the go" on a longer commute, etc. It's seldom similar or less costs when you "upgrade" from one job to a much more highly paid one. If, eg, he needs a new car for a long commute, then that's all his rise gone, or same with a more expensive train season ticket etc.

You said he has paid off his friends, to whom he presumably owed money. So he must have had some over at the end of each month - as he should, since he’s just had a large rise. Can’t that "extra" now go towards paying off his other debts? If not, why not?

Perhaps he doesn’t realise how important this is to you, as an indicator for the likely future. If he’s not prepared to keep track of his finances and cut back for a while so he can pay off his debts and keep you, maybe the relationship is doomed anyway.

What would enough look like?

Work what out? Change his personality? How will you do that?

That's how I'd feel too. He wasn't honest about it at first, and the debt has increased over a relatively short period of time. Two MASSIVE red flags, both the dishonesty/deception, and that he still can't control his spending despite him knowing it's a problem for you (and realising it's a problem for him too!).

To be blunt/honest, I can't actually see him clearing his debts and controlling his spending in the future, especially if a lot of his overspending is on "discretionary" stuff like gym membership, subscriptions, etc. At best, he may pay off a bit of his debt, but then probably revert to spending like there's no tomorrow and start increasing them again.

If it has been me, I'd have given him ONE chance to change his ways - I'd expect the debts to start falling immediately due to some pretty significant changes in his lifestyle and cutting his costs. If, after, say, six months, the debt hadn't been significantly reduced, he'd be history for me and he'd not get a second chance. It's more about attitude and intention for me. I'd want to see a change and progress made. I simply couldn't be with a partner who wasn't in control of his finances or didn't care about them, or was forever living a lifestyle beyond his means.

I hadn’t really focused on the “I’m not sure if it’s enough”? Enough for you to leave permanently OP?

Are you saying that the lying is ok and you’ll stay?

Are you saying that you’ve known he had debt since last Easter and still hasn’t done anything to sort it until you asked him to cancel his BT Sport, that this is ok too and not enough to leave and find someone who values you and your choices more?

What would enough look like? What happens if he moves in with you then stops paying rent or bills? Would that be enough?

What happens if his debts grow rather than reduce?

What happens if you do a credit check on yourself and find out he’s now started to take out debts in your name? I’d really recommend doing that credit check btw. You’ll be surprised how many Mwnt do this.

Just what would enough look like for you?