Boyfriend is in £9k of debt

[SG1301]

Hi everyone
This is my first Mumsnet post but I thought it might be helpful. I am 36F and my boyfriend 44M has revealed he is in debt. We met last January 2025. I knew from last April that he had money issues, when his card was declined, but at the time he said it was £3k. I told him it was an issue for me as my Dad left my Mum with lots of debt, so I said he needed to sort it out. We had a two week gap and then agreed to continue the relationship. He said he was stopping smoking as that is obvs expensive. Anyway it has always bugged me but I have tried to let him get on with sorting it, and have asked him about it every few months or so. We have been arguing about it more recently and last Sat he said it was about £6k but that he had a new job, which he got in Jan, which is paying him £85k (his previous job was £65k). I talked to some friends and felt worried about it so then yesterday he agreed to go through everything in more detail. He said that the debt was now actually £9100, £7k ish on an Aqua credit card and the rest on his overdraft and Monzo. I made a list of all his incomings and outgoings and tried to help him make a budget and encouraged him to cancel things like TV subscriptions, gym membership, etc. I think he needs to focus fully on clearing the debt as I know it makes him anxious. He is very sad and sorry but I have said I think we need a break because I am struggling to see a future. I am not money orientated but I manage mine carefully and I am cross that he has not tried to get the situation under control. He let me look through his bank accounts and I cannot see evidence of gambling or drugs - it just seems like he lives beyond his means and anything he earns goes on interest and overdraft so he is in negative equity every month. We do not share any finances and have no ties - he is very loving and kind and fun in other ways and I do love him and I know he loves me. I suggested a break but said I am happy to be his friend and help him (not give him money but help him deal with it). He has always been generous and I made sure we continued to split meals etc but I now obvs feel that we cannot go for dinner or do anything really as the debt is worse all the time. I don't really want to break up but I am scared of it getting worse or him lying to me, and I don't like the fact that he has not really been responsible. Any advice gratefully received.

It’s the “loans from friends” most probably.

He’s lied about everything else, he’s not going yo become honest when you ask him about the drugs.

I don’t agree with the MNers who are saying it’s too early to ask about finances. You’ve made it clear that you want an LO and you’re 36. Talking to him about his finances is normal.

I think you need to make it clear though that you won’t be helping him financially. You may worry about the high interest rate he is paying but it’s the consequence of his very poor credit history.

Even if you did loan him money there is no guarantee that he’s use it as you wanted him to. That you’d get anything back or that you’d see him again.

I know you haven’t talked about giving him money but he seems to be trying to soften you up without actually doing any hard work himself to pay things off.

I don't think he is trying to make me give him money. He is feeling very sorry for himself and keeps texting and calling. He has just texted to say his parents are going to lend him £3k. Very lucky obvs. He is saying how sad he is and how much he has messed everything up. He says he has spent a lot of his life in his overdraft but when I ask why he can't really answer, he just says he's an idiot (or words to that affect).

If you’re on a break I wouldn’t answer the texts. Make sure the break is a complete break for a while. You can’t possibly think this through if he’s constantly messaging you.

You might want to silence your phone or block him for a few days.

Does he understand that you are not asking him to clear his debt today but rather that it his attitude to money and unwillingness to change his habits? Why on earth are his parents lending him £3k and what/how has he explained to them he needs it? And why is he telling you that he is transferring 1 debt for another? That doesn’t show he has learned anything or made any progress.

But that would show up on his bank statements and you said you have seen his papers and it doesn't add up.

I agree with this and I don't understand what's going on with the OP's relationship. You are invested way too much way too quickly. You understand his financial situation is not your responsibility, you are on a break and yet you keep being his emotional crutch. Stop trying to rescue him, that's going nowhere.
Look for someone you are more compatible with.

well i didnt add up every transaction, i think it did add up to the overdraft minus. He told his parents the truth apparently.

Yes. A relative through marriage is constantly skint in spite of the fact that he and his wife are high earners. Turns out that everything is leased - including the house: they just keep changing their interest only mortgage. They're now in their 60s.

Sorry OP, that seems unlikely. He’s managed to get away with not telling you the truth for most of your relationship. I can’t see why he would suddenly become truthful now.

You neex to silence his messsges and arrange to do some things with your friends. The constant messages are to stop you coming to your senses and moving on.

Maybe arrange weekend away with a friend if he can’t afford to go anywhere?

You’ve still not explained why the increased salary won’t help. If he was paying a certain amount in debt repayments and interest pre salary increase, he will still only be paying that amount post salary increase. He can then apply the entire increase to additional repayments and clear it pretty quickly?

yes maybe he can...

Yeah. It'll drive you mental.

Bortowing 3k of his parents is not really addressing the issue though. It may pay the debt in x bank account, but then he still owes his parents 3k, so the total debt remains the same. The only difference is that he owes it to different people

i guess it stops the interest

He has just texted to say his parents are going to lend him £3k

<Bangs head against wall>

This thread is just hurting my face now.

Good luck OP - you need it.

True. But that alone won’t pay off the debt, but will just stop it increasing.

It will make a huge differnce to the interest and give him a chance to get the expensive debt down first. First rule of debt is pay off the high interest first.

Im not sure why everyone seems to think theres some big mystery to his finances, he overspends, its easily done if you buy the wrong things, have compulsive and impulsive behaviour, which is why I asked about ADHD earlier as with the smoking and drinking too much as OP alludes earlier that they 'like to be social' which I took from that to mean they do go out and enjoy themselves perhaps too much at times.

He's used to the high life, not budgeting, not thinking about where his money goes, not restraining himself.

Can he make changes to those habits? Who knows.

Only if he uses it to pay off his loan with the highest interest and from what you’ve said so far that’s doubtful.

So if his parents are lending him £3k, he now has £12k of debt. Unless he makes some big changes and takes it seriously, his situation is just going to get worse. You can't change him - only he can do that, but he doesn't sound willing to make the effort.

It really is none of your business to be quite frank but I understand why you are nervous in regards to your Mum being left with your Dads debts. 9k of debt is actually below the national average for a household and his salary is good, you shouldn't lose sleep over this, he sounds a decent bloke in other ways. Credit card and loan debt can be consolidated and moved to a 0% credit card or low interest loan, do the transfers and cut up the card on arrival. He would be able to clear this within 9/10 months with his £20k payrise after tax and NI, he won't be any worse off. A spreadsheet of all incoming and outgoings in date order, tally them both up, this is what he has to live on for the month, divide that by 4 weeks or days in that month, very easy to keep track

Have you read the full thread @Redragtoabull? Nobody is going to be offering hin a 0% card.

You need to decide if you are having a break or not. If you are tell him no contact for a month. He can choose to stop drinking and be frugal if he is capable of it 9 k is a lot of debt age 44 combined with longstanding poor credit history history of living beyond his means no dependents no car and well paid job. He isn’t a newly qualified student in his mid 20s.

No, I didn't! I'm on similar money and have access to, not that I use 80% of it, but access to £55k in credit. Somethings not adding up then. He needs to get his credit report from Experian or similar

Right. He’s fourtyfuckingfour

Yes, of course - if you never spend money you’ll always have money in your pocket. And if you’re happy with that then great, but clearly not everyone is, so why is it that you what you care about is the only thing anyone cares about?